Dolls; once a plaything for foals, they have quickly become my sword and shield in the stretch of a single month. I am Rarity, fashion pony extraordinaire. Although I have traded my needle and thread for goggles and a psychic headband, this fact remains. With the unlikely aid of a little orange Pegasus and a wingless 'Angel', I will concur this new sport and show the world how brilliantly we can shine!
Crossover with the universe of Clamp's Angelic Layer. Some liberties were taken with how the universe works, with some aspects added and some removed. No prior knowledge necessary to enjoy, but will enhance the experience.
Chapters (2)
This story is Awesome.
please continue with it, i really want to know how these Angels came to be.
oh, yeah and i hope the next chapter of A Cog in the Machine comes out soon.
Since this was so short, I figured I'd just go through it to get a general handle on your style. Help's me to see any mistakes/errors/potential improvements in the long piece I'll give an all out critique for.
While it is written in such a way as to be accessible to just MLP fans, I imagine this piece would have had a lot more impact on me if I was familiar with the crossover property. Though after this, I think I might try and check that out. Sounds nifty.
Structure and grammar wise, you're not half bad. There are a few typos and errors a good comprehensive full read through edit would easily eliminate. Just take a moment and read it through carefully, you'll see 'em.
The first person perspective approach was well chosen for the tone and well executed. *applause* Though (and for the life of me I can't find them now!) there were a couple passages that sounded a bit odd. Maybe, if you can/are willing to while you go through an edit you might read aloud. I'd imagine you'd hear them. It's a bonus of the 1PP too, it should sound very natural to you when reading it out. So if it doesn't, clearly there's a mistake to fix!
Otherwise, you didn't break the cardinal rule: this didn't feel like a waste of time. I don't think I'll favorite it (but I'll read future installments, you betcha), but I did enjoy it and it makes me look forward to your longer piece. 'Til then, take it easy.
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Thank you so much for this! While this story was only intended to be a side project that I could play with while writing the meatier A Cog in the Machine, that does not mean that I do not care for it equally as much! I try to put my heart and soul into everything I write and I try to also be just as anal when it comes to editing, so I'll take your suggestion to read it out loud to heart after I get the next chapters of both fics out! After their out (which will be soon for both I assure those reading!) I'll go into full on editing mode for both of them before continuing. Again, anal
...and I only now realize that using that word next to that Rarity emote may not have been the smartest of ideas
Hah i laughed so hard at some parts of the story.
can't wait for the next chapter.