Beer and a Knife Fight 3: Beer Hard With a Vengeance

by PresentPerfect

Ponies Make Epic Knife Fights, or the Immortal Butt

Beer and a Knife Fight 3: Beer Hard With a Vengeance
by Present Perfect

Chapter 2: Ponies Make Epic Knife Fights, or The Immortal Butt

The air shimmered as Twilight cast another spell, a combination summoning/conjuration. Dozens of implements, from knives to swords to something that was most definitely not meant for cutting (it was vibrating), materialized in front of her. Celestia took a step back, then another, until she found her rear end smooshed up against a pair of half-adorned ponnequins.

"Twilight, let's be reasonable. I understand you're upset, but you needn't resort to violence."

"Like Tartarus I don't!" Twilight sent three of the knives whizzing toward Celestia's head. She ducked to the side, leaving one embedded in the wall behind her. "Come on and fight me, old mare!"

"Twilight, please!" Celestia teleported to the other side of the room, only to duck to the side past a pair of knives. "Why are you doing this?"

Twilight snarled. "Because I'm a mean drunk!"

A bevy of blades thunked into the wall behind Celestia as she scrambled for escape, stopping short as the door burst open in front of her.

"Excuse me!" exclaimed a shrill voice. "I will not have roughhousing in my boutique!" Rarity gasped. "And look what you've done to my walls! Out, now, the both of you! Take it outside, or I swear I will have Applejack string you both up from the highest yardarm!"

Celestia and Twilight looked at each other. Twilight very quietly removed the knives from the far wall. Heads low, they both shuffled out the door, mumbling, "Sorry, Rarity." The other store customers watched them, confused, as they made their way outside.

"Well, now, Twilight," Celestia said as they made their way across the street to give the Boutique a wide berth. "Since you're feeling better, why don't we--"

She was cut off as a knife sliced through her mane. It didn't damage anything, of course -- her mane had ceased to be material centuries ago -- but it did get her attention. Celestia glowered at the alicorn she had once called student, friend and lover.

"To the sky, then," she said, taking wing and leaving Twilight no chance for response. A flurry of swords shot past her, and though she was able to dodge them all, she was growing irritated.

"Twilight, I will give you one more chance." She faced her opponent in Canterlot airspace, keeping as much distance as she could. "End this hostility. Give yourself time to cool down, and we can talk things over."

"EENOPE!" Twilight drew her knives into a single bundle and shoved them all at Celestia's face. It was a sloppy attack that missed, as it should have, but even in her drunken state, Twilight was dangerous. It had been a cover for the vibrating thing, which emerged out of the blue and plonked Celestia right on the nose.

It hurt more than just Celestia's nose.

"Very well." Fuming, she wheeled around to place herself between Twilight and the sun. "You leave me no choice but to beat some sense into your drunken head!"

Celestia cast a spell she had not used in centuries. The sunlight streaming around her hardened, coalescing into a sword nearly as long as she was tall. It was all blade -- for who needed a hilt when wielding a sword created from pure magic? -- curving forward like the belly of the sun itself before ending in a wicked, jagged point.

This was her heart-blade, the weapon all alicorns, and those few legendarily powerful unicorns, could create with their innermost magic. It was a reflection of the wielder's very soul, of their cutie mark, and Celestia was momentarily thankful that Twilight had yet to master its secret. Or, possibly, even learn about it; she always had been a little slow. Oh well, the cat was out of the bag now.

As heart-blades went, Celestia's was far and away the most beautiful and powerful. Only Luna's could rival it, but that had been a thousand years ago. Since then, Celestia's sword had seen less and less frequent use -- stopping a griffon warlord here, destroying an ancient terror rising from the depths there -- until its form and name had faded from living memory into the depth of pure myth.

But here, now, staring into the churning heart of her blade, Celestia smiled. Seeing it now was like meeting an old, long absent friend once again. Holding it with her magic felt right; she was whole again. She could never forget its form, nor its name, a name that once only passed the lips of the wicked as the barest whisper, lest they invoke its wrath.

And its name was Sunkillswordbutt.

In her defense, Celestia had learned to fashion her heart-blade when she was five years old, and named it with the fervor intrinsic to all five-year-old fillies. Later, in an attempt to accede to adulthood before she was ready, she had tried to rename it. ("Darklight's Deepest Antishadow". She'd been going through a phase at the time.) Luna had thrown a world-shaking tantrum upon learning of the change and had continued to do so every time Celestia tried to rename her sword, until Celestia finally gave the notion up altogether.

And yet somehow, Luna's sword had the worse name.

Celestia squared off with Twilight, who seemed momentarily confused, awed, or just drunk enough to let her reminisce for like five minutes. She lifted the mighty Sunkillswordbutt before her, sighting along its blade at her newfound rival.

"Have at you!"

Author's Note:

I don't know why this story became a parody of The Immortal Game, but it did, and I'm not sorry.

Comments

[FanOfMostEverything]

I feel like Three-Wolves should have that sword. It definitely seems appropriate.

In any case, now that Twilight's witnessed a heart-blade, I can't help but suspect that she will forge one even stronger, more terrible, and more horribly named than anything Celestia can imagine.

[PresentPerfect]

8009116
OH MY GOD WHAT IS THIS AMAZINGNESS

[QueenMoriarty]

a combination summoning/conjuration.

Please for the love of Sunkillswordbutt let this be an intentional incomprehensibility. Conjuration is possibly one of the magic words most lacking in a universal definition. It could mean anything from the creation of an illusion to being literally another word for summoning. If this is intentional, then I applaud you.

If not, I feel I should inform you that I am currently experiencing a joint headache-stomachache, and have elected to blame the above phrase.

Also, this is the most hilarious entry in the trilogy.

[DannyJ]

Once again, Present, you have enriched my life.

[Mister Morden]

Twilight is a mean drunk... but a sensible one. She knows better than to get Rarity angry at her!

I can't wait to see how this sword fight gets even more ridiculous.

[Moosetasm]

I hope I'm wrong, but I have a sneaking suspicion that Luna's would be called YeOleFullethMoonRiseth.

8009116
Looks back through some write-off shenanigans... Twilight's would be called... NeoAlicornCatgirlSparkleSwordChan.

[Icy Shake]

Dozens of implements, from knives to swords to something that was most definitely not meant for cutting (it was vibrating),

Well, things like chainsaws might be described as vibrating--or electric bread knives, or the Ripper.

[Sunny]

8009116 This is GLORIOUS

[BlueMoonHarlot]

And its name was Sunkillswordbutt.

I draw the line somewhere between an SS&E fic and a Justice3442 fic. I'm never really sure which side of the line I start on and we're not there yet, but I think we're close.