Beer and a Knife Fight 3: Beer Hard With a Vengeance

by PresentPerfect

A Gross Canterlot Wedding

Beer and a Knife Fight 3: Beer Hard With a Vengeance
by Present Perfect

Chapter 1: A Gross Canterlot Wedding

To Celestia, Twilight couldn't have looked more beautiful if today had been their actual wedding day.

Twilight's dress glittered in the artificial lights of Rarity's tax-code-compliant Canterlot Boutique. Unlike Celestia's more traditional dress, Twilight's hung to either side of her, leaving her rear legs uncovered. The ruffles and jeweled neckline marked it as a fashion maven's pride. There was so much chiffon. Celestia wished she wasn't required to be a bastion of tradition at her own wedding. She'd have liked to wear something as modern and, dare she say it, scandalous. But such were the sacrifices demanded of the Princess of Equestria. The rewards would be worth it.

After all, far more voices had objected to the announcement of their marriage than what they would be wearing. Twilight, despite being an alicorn and a princess in her own right, was still a commoner by blood, and a usurper in the eyes of many. Many more decried her having been Celestia's student once upon a time. Aren't you like a mother to her? they clamored. Aren't you like a million years older than her?

Celestia had ignored the slights at both her relationship with her fiancee and her age. After all, to one so aged, any potential mate would seem a child by comparison. An alicorn though she might have been, Celestia was still a pony; she deserved to love and be loved! For her own sake, she had long ago decided she wouldn't let a number impede her prospective happiness. This was why she liked touching foals.

What? Wait, I don't like tou--

Yes indeed, Celestia had long ago realized she could cut her losses, and so began a centuries-long reign of terror wreaked upon the youth of Equestria.

No! Where are these thoughts--

Colts and fillies would cry to their parents about the wicked Sun Mare who crept into their rooms as they slept, doing unspeakable things to them.

Stop! It's all lies!

It began, of course, a thousand years ago when she would visit her sister--

"I DO NOT MOLEST FOALS!"

In the ensuing awkward silence, somepony coughed. A few customers filed out the door a few moments after.

"That is... good to know," said Rarity, with as much decorum as could be salvaged in a situation like this. Rarity was good at salvaging decorum, no lie, yet even she couldn't muster much at that point in time.

"Are you all right?" Twilight asked, her eyes full of pity.

Celestia swallowed. "I... suppose I've had some things weighing on my mind of late." She turned to Rarity. "May we have a moment?"

"Of course." Rarity smiled and nodded toward the back room. Celestia yanked Twilight into the room with her magic, slamming the door after them.

Twilight's expression went from confused to fearful. "Is... is this about the wedding?"

Steeling herself, Celestia turned away from Twilight and sucked in a breath. "In a way. Twilight, I don't know how to say this..." She glanced over her shoulder. Twilight's eyes had filled with tears.

"Just say it!" Twilight cried, voice breaking on a sob. "Whatever it is, if you love me, Celestia, you can tell me!"

"I do love you, Twilight." Celestia closed her eyes. "Please believe me when I say that's true." She clenched her teeth. There really was no easy way to say it.

"It is you who does not love me."

There was a pause. Twilight started to cry. "I... I don't understand!"

"Do you remember how we got together, Twilight?" Celestia asked softly.

Twilight hiccupped. "W-we got drunk. And had a knife fight."

"And then you told me I looked like your mother, and we consummated our deepest, most forbidden incestual desires." Celestia let out a breath. "And it was all because I... cast a spell on you, that would make you want to do that with me." She clenched her eyes shut and gritted her teeth. This was the moment; this would be when it all ended.

"You mind-controlled me?"

The pitch of Twilight's screech confirmed Celestia's darkest fears. She regretted having done it in the first place. It was all over; she would pay full-life consequences.

As she reflected on it, she had to wonder: why had she thought mind-controlling Twilight had been a good idea?

"All those feelings," Twilight continued. Celestia turned and saw her shrugging out of the gorgeous wedding dress. "The relationship, the wedding, the sex." Twilight regarded her with tear-stained cheeks. "It was all a lie!"

"All I can say is I'm sorry, Twilight." Celestia bowed her head. "I know it isn't enough to atone for what I've done. But now the air is cleared, before we went through with something we might have regretted. I know you're likely to be emotional. You may even not wish to speak to me again. Just know, if you need somepony to talk to, I'll be here. Whatever you want to do... I will accept it."

She looked up. Sadness and anger flashed across Twilight's face. She shook her head violently, flinging tears over the room, and loosed a guttural cry of anguish.

"What I want to do?" Twilight screamed. Her horn flared in a summoning spell.

Three bottles appeared in a halo around Twilight's head; Celestia, chagrined, noted the wine had been meant for their wedding reception. With a pop, Twilight uncorked two of them and upended them over her mouth, one after another, letting most of the wine spill over the carpet. Rarity was going to have a fit.

Celestia took a step back. "T-Twilight, what are you doing?"

Twilight raised the third bottle over her head. She brought it down on her horn with enough force to shatter it, sending bits of glass coruscating down her mane and drenching her front half in fifty-year-old pinot noir. That had been a good year, too.

Loosing the battle cry of her unicorn warlord ancestors -- a horrid death whinny -- Twilight bellowed, "I'M KICKING YOUR ASS!"

Author's Note:

I got so mad about Flint-Lock's story Ms. Celestia, I had to write this. If you actually like Twilestia, go read that, because it's honestly a pretty decent story. Beyond here lies only madness.

Comments

[Fuzzyfurvert]

I AM RUNNING A D&D GAME TONIGHT AND CAN'T READ THIS RIGHT NOW!

You monster.

[PresentPerfect]

8007145
Don't worry, it'll be here tomorrow.

Unfortunately. :V

[iisaw]

**glee**

[Flint-Lock]

I'm not sure whether to be flattered or horrified.

[QueenMoriarty]

8007266 I recommend a healthy dose of both.

[Shocks]

ooh bby

take me

[eta]

8007141
Well, good luck in chemotherapy, I guess.

[FanOfMostEverything]

Give me one good reason why you didn't put this in my contest.

Whatever the case, I'm eagerly looking forward to whatever insanity follows. Also, good on Twilight for removing her dress before bathing in wine. Those stains would never come out, and then it would be Rarity delivering a death whinny. That would not end well...

[PresentPerfect]

8007531
what contest :V

(It wouldn't have been fair, I had this completely written well before you announced it.)

[FanOfMostEverything]

8007607
An admittedly good reason.

[Orudios]

ok form the looks of this pic Who ticked Twilight of this time

[Dconstructed Reconstruct]

Despite the mind-disaster that this story is, it was still quite enjoyable to help pre-read and edit. Heh

[Skeeter The Lurker]

8007531

I second that.

Can we grandfather it in to force more from him? Or did someone already choose her?

~Skeeter The Lurker

[FanOfMostEverything]

8008110
At this point in time, the only available Celestia and Twilight slots are in the Partier category. And while Twilight is drinking like a champ, I don't think this quite counts.

[Jaro45]

Does anyone have a clip/sound byte/link to that Battle-cry? Please?

[PresentPerfect]

8010359

[Icy Shake]

"You mind-controlled me?"

Oh, so NBD. If there's any lesson of Season 6, it's that a little mind control between friends is something to laugh off like nothing. :V