• Published 30th Mar 2017
  • 13,267 Views, 32 Comments

Notice Me Not - Strange Horsey



Roseluck gains a bizarre ability that renders herself completely unnoticeable to the world. Unfortunately for the world, there was also a little something extra that came along with the mysterious power.

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Comments ( 32 )

This needs a bit of editing. There are a few incorrectly used words, and a few missing. That said, this is HOT!

I don't think I've seen this idea before (if I'm wrong feel free to cite examples!) and it is rather interesting. Keep writing. I'd love to see where this goes.

this is my first time writing this stuff

Well, you're doing good so far, I'd say. Aside from a few grammar mistakes this is a pretty strong start. I'm looking forward to seeing what (or who) Roseluck will get into next.

8060186
8060429
Thanks a bunch guys! :pinkiehappy: I'll definitely be editing my writing once I have some free time.

Oh yes, you need to continue that. Reminds me of my all-time favourite story https://www.fimfiction.net/story/302291/back-in-a-moment . Just wish there's more forceful and selfish Roseluck, and creative ways of fucking with ponies, literally and figuratively. Oh boy how I want to see Twilight drinking Rose's essence, or looking for the book on upper shelves, staying on her back legs while Rose takes her from behind. Possibilities are endless.


8060186

It's pretty much "Back in a moment" but with notice-me-not instead of timestop, and more gentle protagonist. Give it a try if you liked that one.

Oh holy fuck yes please continue.

Hella hot, do want more.

We need more clopfics with Rosefuck in them.

Thank the lord it's not finished yet.

This would be great as a one shot but Sweet Mother Teresa of Baby Raptor Jesus Christ on the Hood of a '86 Mercedes Benz am i glad it isn't :)

Zyrian #11 · Mar 31st, 2017 · · 1 ·

Functionally, it's a good start, and for the most part is pretty good, though there is a bit of a hiccup.

The deescalation from "literally sobbing in pain from being raped" to "please give me more" is alarmingly quick. Like, wow.

HEHEHEHE xmen reference

8064214
:rainbowderp: What? Where?

EDIT: Ah, I'm assuming you meant Roseluck's new 'ability'. I thought you were talking about a specific phrase within that references X-Men :twilightblush:

8064221 yea her ability, its name is even the same Notice me not, poor guy. :trollestia:

Well, virgin anal sex should be gentler or someone'll get hurt. Rose grinned too much, and was far too confident and in control of herself. She used her dick less like a mare who woke up with one, and more like a male prostitute with 20 years of experience. Randomly calling someone a slut because that's what the cool kid porn does, not good idea. The word "slut" has a very intricate meaning beyond "add this to make story more sexy." The size of Rose's dick doesn't add to the sexiness, just thrown in there as if obligatory. The penis doesn't penetrate the cervix during sex, even when impregnating someone. There are no consequences between fictional ponies, and contraception isn't particulartly sexy, so if you want anal, just have Rose want anal. That moralistic "I'm so considerate for analraping my sister" is just cringe inducing. Might as well put a fedora on her and have her address Daisy as M'lady. I don't think anal muscles are very strong at all, at least compared to vaginas. Female ejaculate comes from very shallow within her, from the urethra right next to the vagina specifically. Eating anal creampie is more of that 20 year porn veteran thing. Rose seems really vicious towards her own sister. Yes, fantasy that Daisy loves the abuse, but it again seems more like obligatory lewds. Biting the clitoris made me literally cringe in sympathy. Rose realizes she's raping her own sister a lot later than she should have, losing her head of steam at a bad time. Oh, and the fantasy about Luna keeps forgetting that it's a fantasy.

Interesting concept though. And yours is better than most porn; I just usually don't even bother trying to critique that which is totally unsalvageable.

YOu need to make another chapter, please.

8064890
Ha, from your critique I'd call this a success since it didn't cover absolutely everything. Appreciate the blunt feedback, though I will rebuke some of your points concerning anatomical correctness as they were intentionally exaggerated and/or incorrect. I will definitely take the other points for consideration in future chapters :twilightsmile:
8064950
There will be another chapter. Writing it now, in fact :pinkiecrazy:

Needs very heavy editing, both for grammar and pacing. :trixieshiftright:

(kinder tl;dr: You were quite ambitious but didn't hit your target and could use a serious editor and a proofreader)

So I was browsing around and I stumbled across this in the feature box. I happen to very much like pretty much any flavour of "mare has a dick", and non-consent and shamelessness are very interesting to me, with bonus points for "mare with dick on mare (whose dick is optional)", so I read it despite the incest warning.

I was so disappointed I had to be arsed to log in on my laptop (my password is a pain to type out) to, among other things, write this comment. Others have mentioned some prominent issues (especially pacing, inconsistency, and some generally bad ideas, although porn logic can excuse some of the bad ideas--though going from "I'm utterly shocked that I have this new anatomy" to "I want to put my new anatomy in everything" so quickly is pretty hard for me to suspend disbelief for), so I'm just going to cut straight to the chase and lay down the biggest issue that causes all the others:

Roseluck is not a character in this story. Especially once the sex starts, the be-dicked pony here is rendered no more than a toy inserted into other toys to fuel the author's libido (and I do say it's the author's libido--because why write clop you don't personally enjoy unless for money?). She has no character consistency whatsoever, and almost as little characterisation of any kind. Daisy isn't much of a character either here either. I also never got the sense that the characters (such as they were) were actually related, so I'm not sure what the incest warning was for.

I was also disappointed by the lack of non-visual information throughout the sex scenes (I know I'm not entirely innocent). Sure, there was the occasional "now the whole room stinks of sex" moment, but you need more than that. I'm not going to linger on this point, however, when there are bigger fish to fry.

This chapter would be dramatically improved by working with a skilled editor on pacing, characterisation, sensuality, and general plot (ha!) development. You could also use a proofreader; you made several blatant errors, such as entire words going missing.

There's so much potential here that just isn't in use. Incest aside, the whole thing of combining the "Background Pony" effect with sex could be wonderful if executed properly and with character. You have so many good ideas here; the biggest reason I'm upset enough to post anything is that I wanted this to be good. Please take the time to make this good.

A couple of pointers on my way out:
--Never use all-caps words in prose. Use italics for emphasis. For additional emphasis, de-italicise right in the middle of italics.

--Explore more sensory details as you go. They can be difficult, especially for sex, but they help so much in pulling a reader into an experience. Smell, in particular, is a particularly strong way to do this. Taste and touch are also important.

... That was a lot more words than I set out to type. I'm sorry.

8065387
Wow, okay big comment. I appreciate you sacrificing your free time to read through my story and write this constructive analysis of sorts, I really do.

To start off, I completely agree with your comment. Every single point of it. I really should've done this earlier, but I have now put a section in the description that says I'm currently looking for an editor, and will likely post a blog post for it soon-ish. To be completely honest, the story itself was really a strange, unique(?) idea that popped into my head. Somewhere along the line, it turned from a story idea to a trashy porn flick. Looking back at it now, I lacked any real character, which is crucial to a story, regardless of its genre. When I come across my next slab of free time, I will be rewriting the first chapter (hopefully with the help of an editor(s)) that will probably add a few thousand words more.

Once again, I'm very grateful for your comment, and I will endeavor to make America this story great again!

PS: Can't you have chrome/whatever browser you use remember your fimfiction password? Unless, of course, your computer is not completely private and may be accessed by others.

Molestia approves

Real quick... if you want to write stories with dark elements, you are of course free to do so. But you need to tag correctly. Stories with these elements need a dark tag. Fix that now.

8065429

Can't you have chrome/whatever browser you use remember your fimfiction password?

I recently changed my password after accidentally typing it into a public chat. :twilightblush:

p.s. There are editor groups available if you do a group search for "edit"

Nice, more chapter please,

8065387

and I do say it's the author's libido--because why write clop you don't personally enjoy unless for money?

This is debatable. Some authors write clop because they find they can do some interesting stuff with all the leg room, but they don't find the clop to be personally pleasurable. Granted, most clop is either written to get the author's rocks off or as a commission for someone, so you're not totally wrong, but I think some clop has more a reason behind it than others. Good review, by the way.

This is ok but it could be better. Other comments have said it better than I could, but I have to say if this was a one shot I would not have a problem but because this is written with more in mind than I would say work on characterization a bit. Why would Roseluck be so rough with Daisy? Why the sudden remorse when Daisy sobbed? And why did she not stop outright?

My biggest problem with the anal. It would have been better to just stick with the vagina. you could build up to that in a later chapter you don't need to do everything in one chapter.

This has the workings of a good story. A proofreader would help alot.:twilightsmile:

Another chapter please, my good sir?

I only have 2 words MORE PLEASE!!!!

So, if she can touch and move objects and ponies. Would she be able to communicate using ink and paper?

This is really good. I'm looking forward for more!

9909691
He's been dead for 2 years bro.

10485674
:rainbowlaugh: some people just want to believe!

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