Barrel Blast

Spike smiled to himself as he stepped down from the ladder. He had finally finished re-shelving again and Twilight had told him he could have the rest of the day off once he was done with his chores. He went to the kitchen, grabbed a random gem as a snack, and idly strolled through the main hallway of the castle, fully intending to spend the rest of his day outside.

As he began to devour his delectable delight, he could hear the welcoming sounds of the outdoors already; the chirping of the birds, the snippets of chatter from passersby, the muffled explosions--

Spike stopped in his tracks. Explosions?

Another muffled explosion sounded off somewhere to his left. Downing the rest of his gem in one bite, he tracked the sound to a door that led to what Twilight had designated as the "experiment room". He knew Twilight had told him not to disturb her if she was busy in there, but he couldn't ever remember explosions being part of experiments.

Something was wrong.

Spike stepped close to the door and was about to knock on it when it swung violently on its hinges, nearly hitting the small dragon. Spike jumped back in surprise as Twilight, sporting a manic grin, revealed herself.

"I think I've done it!" Twilight was cheering madly, noticing Spike. "Spike! I've done it! Oh, this will make things so much easier for everypony!"

Spike backed away slightly as a small part of him deep down inside started wondering if he should run. "Uh, Twilight? Are you okay?"

"Oh, I'm better than okay, Spike," Twilight said cheerfully, lessening the craziness of her grin. "I've finally figured out a solution to Equestria's inter-city transportation problem!"

"Twilight, there is no problem with the rail system," Spike contradicted. "The trains are on time at least ninety percent of the time--"

"Ninety-two point seven percent, Spike, but that's the problem! What about the other seven point three percent?"

"Twilight, I think you're overrea..." Spike trailed off as he got a good look at his adoptive big sister. She had massive bags under her eyes and her mane and tail were frazzled and unkempt.

Remembering what had happened some of the other times she had gotten like this, Spike decided not to finish his sentence.

"Not only that, Spike," Twilight continued, oblivious to his discomfort, "but I've crunched some numbers and I've discovered that all the smoke the engines are pumping into the air all of the time can't be good for the atmosphere in the long run! So I thought at first that we should convert to purely magically-powered trains, but then I thought that if I could find a way to reduce the amount of times the trains are late as well, that would be even more beneficial!"

"So...did you invent magically-powered trains?" Spike ventured to guess.

"Nope!" said Twilight, levitating something from behind her and placing it between the two of them, letting it hang in the air about ten centimeters above the ground, unsupported by any visually apparent magic. "Cannons!"

"...Twilight," Spike said, staring at the object, "that's a barrel with an arrow painted on."

"No it isn't," Twilight said, never losing her smile. "It's a cannon."

"Twilight, I know a barrel when I see one, and trust me, that's a barrel," Spike insisted gently. "I think you need some--"

"It may look like a barrel," said Twilight, still smiling, "but it's a cannon. I was up all last night and all of today developing it. Observe!"

With a few flaps of her wings, she had ascended to just above the barrel, and as soon as she stopped flying, she dropped straight in. Her head, with its manic smile still plastered on, peeked out and looked down at the dragon. "This is the first step. Now I just..." Twilight said matter-of-factly, kicking the inside of the barrel.

The barrel made one of the exploding sounds Spike had heard just a minute prior, and a purple mass shot straight out of the top, spinning at a high velocity towards the ceiling. The fact that the ceiling was high didn't seem to help matters much, and Spike cringed as Twilight hit the ceiling hard. She peeled off and fell to the ground, slowing her descent considerably with her wings so she made it down safely.

"So what do you think?" she asked expectantly.

Spike scratched his head, staring at the barrel--the cannon--the barrel cannon--and looked back at Twilight. "Your solution to late, polluting trains is to...shoot yourself at the ceiling from a cannon that looks like a barrel?"

"Don't be silly, Spike," Twilight said dismissively, waving a hoof. "The idea is to aim them at cities and towns so ponies will get to their destinations within seconds. Additionally, these will be cheap to produce and they give off very little smoke and no other pollution! It's the perfect solution!"

"But don't you think ponies won't like being shot out of cannons?" Spike pointed out.

"I thought of that. Spike, go get our friends. We're gonna need their help."

"But...okay, I'll be back soon," Spike sighed, knowing nothing good would come out of disobeying her. He knew if he did, he might be punished and Twilight would find them anyway. Besides, if he went himself, he might be able to make sure they weren't too surprised.

Not that this will really get off the ground anyway, he thought as he headed outside.

"Spike, Ah'm sure Ah misheard you. Did ya say Twilight built a cannon to get everywhere?" Applejack asked, raising an eyebrow.

"It's just about as crazy as it sounds," Spike said, shrugging. He turned to the rest of the group and opened the door. "You might want to brace yourselves."

"I dunno, cannons sound really cool," Rainbow Dash said, peering inside to try and get a closer look.

The rest of the Element Bearers exchanged uneasy glances, all except for Pinkie Pie, who was grinning maniacally and doing her trademark bouncing. They stepped inside and most of them almost immediately regretted it.

"Hi, girls!" Twilight said from where Spike had left her, still grinning widely and creepily. "I'm so glad you could come today! I need your help with something!"

"Twilight, darling," Rarity said delicately, pointing to the floating barrel cannon, "what is that?"

"It's the next big thing in transportation!" Twilight said, magically closing the door behind them and moving toward them, dragging the cannon through the air. "It's a cannon!"

"Twilight, that's a barrel," Applejack deadpanned, staring at it.

"No, it's a cannon that looks like a barrel," Twilight corrected. "Sure, I used an actual barrel as the base, but with enough enchantments, I managed to turn it into a powerful cannon that will decimate travel times and pollution!"

Rainbow Dash flew above the barrel cannon and looked down into the hole on top. "It looks like a barrel," she said. "Not a cannon. How's this a cannon?!"

"I'm glad you asked!" said Twilight cheerfully, wrapping her magic around Rainbow Dash and shoving her unceremoniously into the cannon.

"What the hay, Twilight?!" yelled Rainbow Dash in a panic, thrashing around. "Let me ou--"

BOOM.

"AAAAHH!"

A prismatic blur flew out of the top of the cannon, having kicked the inside, and flew towards the ceiling, flattening against it in a matter of seconds. Rainbow Dash stayed stuck there for a second, then she peeled off and began to fall, like Twilight before her. Fortunately, she had enough presence of mind to glide down smoothly.

"Ooh! Me next! Me next!" said Pinkie Pie excitedly, bouncing up to get a closer look at the cannon.

"Hold on, Pinkie," said Twilight hastily, catching her in her magic. "You'll get your turn soon. Rainbow Dash, are you okay?"

Rainbow Dash dizzily looked at the cannon. "It was pretty cool at first," she said, "up until the last part, where I hit the ceiling!"

"Excellent," muttered Twilight, who had started writing on a clipboard.

"I don't want to be shot into the ceiling," said Fluttershy quietly, shrinking back slightly. "It doesn't look healthy."

"Oh, don't worry. Fluttershy, if it makes you feel any better, you can go last," said Twilight, flashing the yellow pegasus a grin.

Fluttershy shrank back even more. "L-last?"

"Okay, Pinkie, you can go," said Twilight, "but let me adjust it a little." As she said this, she opened the front door and tilted the cannon so it would fire out through the doorway.

"Oh my gosh, it looks so amaa-hazing!" Pinkie sang as Twilight released her and she bounded into the top of the cannon. "Looks like a ton of fun, too! I wonder what it's like compared to my par--

BOOM.

"WOOHOO!"

A pink blur shot out of the cannon, through the front door, and rapidly disappeared into the distance. Within seconds, no one could see any sign of their pink friend.

"Twilight," said Rarity, looking toward the doorway, "is Pinkie all right?"

"As long as she rolls when she lands, I'm sure she'll be all right," Twilight said confidently, clicking her pen in anticipation.

"As long as who rolls when she lands?"

Everyone turned in shock to see Pinkie Pie bouncing in excitement by the cannon. "Wowee, that was fun!" she exclaimed. "Twilight, that was brilliant! I wish you made this earlier! Can I go again? Please?"

"Where'd ya come from?" asked a flabbergasted Applejack.

"I came from over there, silly!" said Pinkie, pointing in the direction in which she'd been shot.

"Pinkie, I believe Applejack means...how did you get back so quickly?" an equally confused Rarity clarified.

"I dunno," said Pinkie, pausing in her bouncing to shrug. "Twilight, can I please go again?!"

"Maybe later, Pinkie. I need to make sure it works well with everypony and doesn't malfunction," said Twilight, scribbling something down before looking at her friends again. "So who's next?"

Those who hadn't had the privilege of experiencing the cannon first-hoof--or first-claw, in Spike's case--looked at one another uneasily. After a moment of silence, Applejack stepped forward and said, "Twi, Ah don't think--"

"Excellent, Applejack!" said Twilight gleefully, levitating her and shoving her into the cannon.

"Twilight?!" yelled Applejack indignantly, being careful to not thrash lest she accidentally set off the cannon. "For yer information, Ah like to keep mah hooves on th' ground, so Ah'd appreciate it if ya let me outta here right now!"

"Oh, silly Applejack," said Twilight, clicking her tongue. "The only way to get out of the cannon is to get fired out!"

"What the hay is wrong with ya?!"

Spike had a sudden idea.

"Twilight," he said as casually as possible, "wouldn't it be a good idea to, uh, test out the short-range, uh, capabilities of the cannon?"

Twilight turned to him with a confused look on her face. "Short-range? Spike, the whole point of the cannon is to get from city to city within seconds! There's no reason for it to have a short range!"

"Well, uh, maybe not," said Spike, thinking quickly, "but if this is cheap to produce, it's gonna be cheap to buy, too, and it'll eventually be for sale on the general market so anypony can own it. And many ponies are probably gonna want a short-range setting to travel shorter distances, like maybe from their house to their job."

Twilight paused for a moment, tapping her pen to her chin in thought. Soon, her eyes brightened. "Of course! Why didn't I think of that? Thank you, Spike! I knew you were my number one assistant for a reason!"

"Isn't it because you hatched him from an egg?" Rainbow Dash cut in bluntly.

Fortunately, Twilight either ignored or didn't hear her as she was currently enveloping the cannon in her magic. "Okay, Applejack, I'm lowering the power of the cannon!" she called out. "You won't fly into the ceiling or halfway across Equestria, trust me!"

"Twilight, ya shoved me inta a cannon, and so help me, when Ah get out, Ah'm gonna make sure ya regret it!" came Applejack's slightly muffled voice from the cannon.

"You don't want to help your friend?" Twilight said, clearly upset.

"Friends don't throw each other inta cannons, Twi!" yelled Applejack indignantly. "Now let me out!"

"Applejack," yelled Spike to make sure his voice was heard, "I'm pretty sure Twilight did lower the power of the cannon, and there's no other way to get out anyhow!"

Silence fell for a moment until Applejack spoke up again, sounding resigned. "Well, Ah can't think of any other way to get out," she admitted.

"Just be sure to roll when you land!" called out Twilight more cheerfully.

BOOM.

An orange blur shot out of the head of the cannon and flew through the open doorway. It rapidly disappeared from the others' sight, but they ran outside to see if they could find the landing spot.

True to her word, Twilight had lessened the power of the cannon so it didn't fire halfway across the country. However, it still packed a lot of power, and Applejack had essentially been shot into a tree. As they found her, she peeled off and landed on the ground, leaving an Applejack-shaped crater in the trunk.

"Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh...Applejack, are you all right?" Fluttershy asked in a panic, flying over to Applejack and attempting to examine her for wounds.

Applejack winced as she stood up. "Thanks, Fluttershy, but Ah'll be fine," she said, glaring at Twilight. "Twi's the one ya should be worried about."

"Wha--why?" Twilight asked, drawing back as she caught the angry look in Applejack's eye.

"Ya shot me out of a cannon," Applejack deadpanned. "Ah can't believe I have ta tell ya this, sugarcube, but lots of ponies don't like bein' shot outta cannons."

"But...I was going to improve transportation for all of Equestria!" Twilight said, looking between her friends. "You can understand that, can't you?"

"I thought it was a great idea!" proclaimed Pinkie.

But even as she said this, the others looked between one another. Finally, Rarity spoke up.

"Twilight," she said calmly, walking up to her friend and placing a hoof delicately on her withers, "we are all aware of how the trains are occasionally late, but this isn't the way to fix the problem."

"Ah don't think a lot o' ponies would like getting shot outta cannons ta get between cities," added Applejack, glaring pointedly.

"I thought it was a cool idea," said Rainbow Dash, glancing back toward the castle, "but you just pushed me in there without even telling me you were going to, and then I got shot right into the ceiling! I mean, what the hay, Twilight?"

"It's not nice to fire ponies out of cannons when they might not want it," Fluttershy said quietly. "I-I still don't want to go in it...even if Pinkie might like it."

"Twilight," said Spike, stepping directly in front of her so she was forced to look him in the eyes, "I know you think this is a great idea and all...but I think you should take a break. Get some rest. Think it over a bit. And after that, we can discuss it."

Twilight looked between her friends' faces, noticing fully that they were all nodding. Even Pinkie. Twilight lowered her head and sighed. "You're right, everyone. I guess I got too caught up in this. I'm sorry."

Their faces relaxed. "It's okay, Twilight," said Spike comfortingly. "Let's put the cannon away and get you some rest."

Twilight smiled down at Spike. "Of course; what was I thinking? Thanks, Spike."

Spike smiled to himself as he poured the pancake batter onto the griddle. It was shaping up to be a good breakfast, and he was eager to finish making it.

He set the bowl of what remained of the batter on the counter and turned in time to see a smiling Twilight enter the kitchen. "Morning, Twi!" he said cheerfully.

"Morning, Spike," greeted Twilight, opening the refrigerator for some orange juice.

"You had any more thoughts about that cannon from last week?" Spike asked casually.

"Oh, I think you all were right," Twilight said, magically pouring some orange juice into a glass. "It had a large margin for error, after all, and it wasn't perfect--ponies did get hurt, after all."

Spike breathed a sigh of relief. "Glad to hear that," he said, clapping a claw to his forehead.

"So over the past week, I've devised another solution!"

Spike froze. "Another solution?"

Twilight grinned and her horn glowed. An object appeared in a flash of purple light and hung a few centimeters above the floor.

Spike paused, flipped the pancakes on the griddle hurriedly, and went over to study the object. It was another barrel, but instead of an arrow painted on, it had a red nose cone, red fins on the sides, and a silver and red metal cone on the bottom.

"Twilight," he said, looking up at the grinning alicorn, "what is that?"

Twilight's smile grew even wider. "It's a rocket!"

Author's Note:

I'm not entirely sure why I wrote this...but I wrote it. Well then...

I hope you enjoyed!

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Comments ( 10 )

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Truffles

Truffles #1 · Mar 12th, 2017 · · ·

I did enjoy this, thank you!

And after the next attempt fails, she decides to simply try and reverse engineer the mirror gate magic into a convenient handheld gun that makes portals to get from point A to B instantly.

Disavowed ASH

Disavowed ASH #2 · Mar 13th, 2017 · · ·

Twilight using Nintendo logic. Mother of Celestia, I though this woul have ended in tears. But it ended in laughs, and some tears.

The Philosopher King

The Philosopher King #3 · Mar 13th, 2017 · · ·

Was expecting Donkey Kong Country. Got Ponies in cannons. Close enough.

No One and Nobody

No One and Nobody #4 · Mar 13th, 2017 · · ·

I'm reminded of the Gilligan's Island episode where they try to get Mr. Howell off the island to claim a reward.
Gilligan - "Skipper, how do you spell 'cannon'?"
Skipper - "C-A-N-N-O-N. Cannon... Cannon?!"
Gilligan - "Not a good idea, huh?"
Skipper - *shakes head*

Skyfall360

Skyfall360 #5 · Mar 23rd, 2017 · · ·

"It's a rocket!"

AHHHHHH OH GOD NOT A ROCKET

FTR2017

FTR2017 #6 · Nov 25th, 2017 · · ·

I'm faving this story for the concept alone.

And I'm giving it a thumbs' up for its hilarious premise.

Mine_Menace

Mine_Menace #7 · Nov 25th, 2017 · · ·

8571103
Heh, thanks!

Alzrius

Alzrius #8 · Jan 29th, 2018 · 2 · ·

I admit, I got a chuckle out of this story.

If comedy is absurdity, then to my mind some of the best comedy comes from when a completely ridiculous idea is played completely straight. That was the case here: one of Twilight's infrequent bouts of monomania is applied to the issue of trains being a less-than-perfect means of long-distance travel (and, of course, coal isn't clean), leading her to come up with Donkey Kong Country-style barrel-cannons. Which, when you stop to think about it, isn't really that hard to believe, since we've seen her whip up dimensional portals in less time. And then she wants her friends to give her new invention a try...

The story's major strength is how everypony acts almost exactly as they would on the show. While Twilight is slightly crazier than she was in Lesson Zero (it's a little hard to imagine that she'd be fine with a cannon shooting her friends into her castle's ceiling at high speeds, especially since she tried the cannon herself and must know how painful that is), and Applejack was a bit angrier than we'd expect (making veiled threats of violence), almost everything else here is spot-on. In particular, Pinkie is keen to try the barrel-cannon out (comparing it to her party cannon), and Fluttershy wants nothing to do with it, etc. Notwithstanding the aforementioned flaws, this almost feels like it could have come from an episode; imagine Scootaloo getting to Cloudsdale on one of these!

My only major complaint with this story is that it leaves some of the wilder ideas involving barrel-cannons on the cutting room floor. For instance, if these were presented as being shorter-range devices (like they are in DKC), then imagine the hilarity that you'd get if somepony (that wasn't a pegasus) got caught in an upward-pointing cannon, being shot upward only to fall back down and then be shot upward again, without end. Or having Twilight set up a series of barrels aimed at barrels, where you get shot from one to another to another to another over and over again...imagine what that sort of inter-city transportation would be like!

Of course, Twilight listens to her friends when they tell her this is a bad idea, so we probably won't get to see that going forward. But at least we'll always have rockets!

Mine_Menace

Mine_Menace #9 · Jan 29th, 2018 · 1 · ·

8700146
Thanks for the review!

It's nice to know that you liked the story overall, especially considering how you mentioned how it almost could have come from the show itself (which is what I was going for). Additionally, as I look back at the story itself, your criticisms certainly made sense and I probably could have and should have noticed those bits and adjusted them accordingly. Oh well. I'm going to leave the story as is though, just because I want to preserve it as is.