After Fluttershy bravely reasoned with Iron Will's groundless assertive training, and much of her aggression took upon innocent ponies including Rarity and Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash decides to go over to Fluttershy's cottage to have a private conversation about it all. As much as Fluttershy admits to being "mean" towards her friends, she can not help but regret her second persona having hurt them.
Rainbow Dash, on the other hand, is not surprised with the incident at all, and reminds her childhood friend that she always had this darker side since she was a filly, and Rainbow herself was the witness accountable.
The question now is, how would Fluttershy respond to such unsound truth?
Set after S2 E18 "Putting Your Hoof Down".
Chapters (1)
Hello there
Seen your post about wanting some feedback, so here I am. Please don't be scared by the sheer length of this, I tend to delve a lot into the tiniest of details sometimes.
Overall, it's not a bad story. The awkward moments between the two in beginning are a little... well, awkward as we don't really know what Rainbow intends to do, yet it's written like we know. As for any 'trailing-off' parts you asked about, there was only one. The paragraph about Rainbow thinking if they shouldn't go adventuring into the Everfree seemed a little out of place to me. I think if you elaborated on it a little more and sliced it into tinier pieces, it could still be intertwined into the story. Found a few rough sentences, but I'll get to that later. All in all, I liked the flashbacks and the morals of the story. That was a great part to read
So, now to some of the issues:
For some reason, I find that word unsettling. Ponies usually have colorful coats of fur above their skin. Still, this is highly subjective, but felt like saying it won't hurt.
You do well with direct speech, but remember that in the places where speaking action is following (such as said), it's better to use comma instead of a full stop.
Some information that is really unnecessary in my opinion. You've talked about Harry the bear normally, so why not have there just Angel or Angel Bunny? Everyone knows he's her pet, mentioning it seems a little excess to me.
The same goes for the cottage. We have already 'visited' it in the story and saw the mess inside. When you leave that sentence out, only the 'noisy cottage' remaining, you'll see the impact is the same, maybe even more distinct.
Next are some rough and shaky sentences:
. The whole after-as connection forming there is not really well for eyes nor for flow. Great to have the description here, but try to split it to more sentences.
That...that... again, not so pleasant to read. If I was to suggest a thing, why not "... no longer had the charisma that he once had, losing part of his inner persona."
I think I know what you wanted to say here, but please try to elaborate more on what she saw and then done as a reaction to it. Better to have it in separate sentences too.
Similar to the previous one. Plus, the right before the eyes prepares us for something dreadful, like the frame soaring through the air or bits of glass all around the floor. Not just 'a picture a cracked glass'. Where was it? On the ground? On the wall?
I reckon 'like that' is quite redundant here.
Again, I think I now what you meant, but try to prolong and split.
"It is you guys."
This one doesn't really fit the previous category, but is tricky none the less.
Nice try at being poetic, but it seems... how to say it? Artificial to me. Would something like "Before Celestia's sun reached its highest peak" suit you better?
Next are the tenses:
You do well on keeping all in past, except for can.
I think it doesn't really matter which tense will you use, but those two should be the same to flow better.
I don't think it"s obligatory here, but I think past tense would fit here better.
Technically correct, but I think present tense would be better here.
Not sure where to fit this last one...
The 'or medical centre' broke me out of the story for a moment. In fact, I think it's quite excess there. You see, if some character gets hurt in a story, the other can say, "Let's find a hospital or medical centre for him."
But this is just a retelling of events, so only one of those institutions should be mentioned. I warned you that I'm nitpicky...
That's all. If anything isn't clear or you have some questions, feel free to ask.
Good luck in your writing and have a nice day!
-Ever
8020285 Thank you, this is just what I needed!
8022867 You're welcome!
I kinda like the story, but there's a moment or two that kind of... Ruins the moment.The flaming colt tried to keep his cool, but even under his profession choices of diction, his hot breath was futile against afemale's ability to read emotions. Weeping, Fluttershy dashed out of Burning Bright's house, into the flooding rainstorm.This is a romantic momemt here, but does this has to be so... Not personalized?
I can't stop giggling at this sentence, emphasis on "only male" and "own kind". Can you stop treating this as an documentary about animals?
8199179
Hm, I suppose you have a point, but then again, I was thinking of them as just "ponies"...
8199627 Ponies but not people? They're sapient and everything. A person doesn't necessary mean humans, that's speciest thinking
8199709 Oh no not speci-ests! My life is doomed!