Twilight and her friends weren't going to stay young mares all their lives. As time passes by, they go on with their lives. They get into relationships, get married, have foals, develop their careers, have crises, and yes, they also die. Only Twilight, an Alicorn, will not die of a natural death. What will the mane 6 do with their lives?
Warning: Really sad, definitely not for the soft-hearted. No gore or sex, but adult themes and language.
I'm now making an audio version of the fanfic. I have voice actors for the narrator and Fluttershy. If you want to participate, send me a PM.
Chapters (5)
8036631 How did you make those icons? They're sooo cool!
8038955 the happy face icon at the end (above where you type) B I U
STcolor Link- Picture- you tube - " - SP - happy faceorig02.deviantart.net/a30d/f/2017/055/2/7/fashionably_resting_by_hillbe-db0abdt.jpg
8038999
The things one learns everyday. Thank you for commenting.
8039023
8039064
That's pretty funny.
8039064
Don't put in any spoilers tho. Still funny.
I wonder how this well effect the elements of harmony?
So Rarity is probably going to go next. Also what the heck Celestia! How could you put a ban on Twilight's birthday like that without telling her?! I just get the feeling that when the CMC finally die Twilight will be all alone and miserable.
8085385
I wish there was a way to make it so that comments would only appear in the appropriate chapter and not show up in the main page of the story too.
Oh, well, who you gonna call?
8085463
You call 555-2368. They are ready to believe you.
8085473
Busting makes me feel good.
8085601
That was pretty funny, I admit.
8085620 Poor characters are hitting hard times,
After getting your wings why are you not blaming me for your woes?
M.A. Larson I'm so going to get my revenge!
Oh? Who's this Larson?
Just some guy who's going into Twilights hurt locker, Big time.
He's like Red Bull in the flesh.
Celestia needs to die, I am sorry but she what she has done is very evil. If anyone can beat Celestia it would be Twilight. Now let's see how Twilight stops this old nag.
This story is simply amazing. It has hit my feels with a sledgehammer and then shot them with a 45. Magum point blank.
It is very deep and with very well developed characters. I'm not a big fan of sad stories, but this one has something I really like. Perhaps is the way you tell the story. Perhaps is how the characters act. I don't know.
This definetly deserves way more views, and has earned a place in my Favourites. Keep it up, I can't wait for the next chapter.
8154421 I always expect your comments now every time I finish a chapter.
8154445
Celestia, the Alicorn that you love to hate.
Actually I'm glad that my fanfic elicits such strong emotions.
8154613
Well, what can I say? Your comment made my day.
One of the purposes of this fanfic is to learn how to write better and improve my writing. Your comment made me feel like I'm achieving that goal. I do need to edit the fourth chapter again because I saw that I overlooked some errors. I typically do that for each chapter after I publish it, since the first edit is not enough.
This has been a very fun project for me. Once I'm finished, I plan to make an audio of it. I'm already looking for volunteers for voice actors and actresses.
I would like to get more views, but I don't know how. i will think about it once I finish the story.
Once again, thank you for commenting and for taking the time to read my fanfic.
8155210
"Oh you were so kind to have Spike have his 'fare thee wells' unlike the movie Maretanic where the lady let her lover die a wet and icy death, If it wasn't for my career and illness I might of had a few foals with my Spikey Wikey"
wut?
Oh horse apples!
Spike! language!
As a ghost I'm quite fashionably spirited...
8155302
Just please put censors like you did in the other posts so as not to spoil the story.
8155323
8156100
Thanks, that was kind of you.
You made me realize that I should have used the spelling "Spikey-Wikey." I'll change it when I have time.
8156692 http://pre09.deviantart.net/e657/th/pre/f/2016/286/0/8/twilight_go_down_the_hole_by_hillbe-dakxn9o.jpg
A free review, as promised.
I'm a bit rusty, so I'll keep it rather brief:
This fic is not well thought-out, and not a lot of effort was put into it. It has decent level of grammar (other than inconsistent capitalizations of pony tribes), but it has clearly not been edited nearly enough - there are a lot of rather wonky, awkward sentences, repeated words, ponification errors (like Rarity hloding Spike in her arms), numbers written with numericals, shoehorned descriptions and exposition and just bad plot choices.
And there's this little gem:
,
which invokes a rather terrifying imagery in my mind.
Plotwise I understand that the idea of the fic is to show ponies growing older and changing, but the fic fails to show the natural progression and reasons for this change, and so everyone comes off as hugely OC and/or sudennly and inexplicably insane. Except for Fluttershy.
But even barring the style and character problems, the biggest thing is that this fic fails to choose and convey a mood. Is it supposed to be tragic, like the story of Rainbow Dash? Bittersweet and sad as the description would imply? Horrifying and horrible as Pinkie's depression, drug abuse and suicide? The idea of the fic is also that death is sudden and unexpected, but this would require a lot of careful set up or foreshadowing to really convey that emotion, and that is just not there.
This fic, more than anything else is merely a chronological retelling of facts. It lacks any consistent emotion and though it's not quite chesspiece storytelling, it is pretty close.
Last, but not least, the idea of fic about Twilight outliving her friends is not exactly a new one. Hay, I, if I can toot my own horn, have co-authored one myself. And as far as those fics go, this one is not even in top-10.
8157903
Well, first of all, thank you for reading and reviewing my fanfic. I appreciate you spending your time to do so.
I haven't finished the editing. I don't have much free time and while I try to edit, I'm more focused on writing the story right now, while the creative "juice" is on. I do edit the chapters before publishing, but not enough. Also, some decisions were made in the later chapters, like the capitalization of pony races and I haven't made the corrections in the first chapters yet.
I did put a lot of effort into the story and learned a lot about writing. One of the things I was practicing was "show, don't tell," which creates sentences like the one you pointed out since it's my first time trying, but it's still much better than just saying "Twilight was angry." Of course, I understand that for the reader, it might not come through like that.
The chesspiece and storytelling are on purpose. I wanted each chapter to flow a bit differently and I also wanted to leave mostly what happened and let the readers make up their mind about the story. Again, I understand that for some readers, that's a turnoff.
I have also heard that some people think the characters are somewhat off. To be honest, since the story starts about 15 years after the show, I decided to take some liberties with their personalities. It's interesting that you say that the only one I got was Fluttershy because another reviewer told me that the only one I got was Spike.
I do admit that it's been hard to get into "pony" mode and write "front legs" rather than "arms." Thank you for pointing out the mistake. I will correct it and check the fanfic for more mistakes like that.
I was told that the topic has been done to death but I really, really wanted to write this fanfic, and I didn't think it was worth not doing something I was excited about just because people have done it before. I'm glad I did because I've had a blast writing it. I'm not deluding myself of pretending that it's War and Peace tho.
Anyway, once again, thank you very much for spending your precious time reading and reviewing my fanfic. I appreciate it.
8159617
Well, experimenting and trying new forms is good. However when you do that it us important to admit that sometimes things you try will fail or just not work.
Keep writing, keep trying, keep improving. That's the whole point, innit?
Also, do edit before you post. Only one chance to make the first impression and all that jazz
8161051
Yeah, you're right. But then you never start at the top, but at the bottom. Like I said, I'm not pretending my fanfic is great literature, and in fact, I'm using the feedback I get to become better.
BTW, I now went back to chapter one and removed the part that says "arms" and I looked for more of them. I'm going back to edit the whole thing now that the fourth chapter is finished. I also edited out some of the redundant or wordy phrases.
I do think that it's not a good idea to edit right away because your mind tends to skip the mistakes since you have the words still in your head. I mean, I do edit before I publish, but as you can see, I overlooked some mistakes.
I do take into account your feedback and I appreciate you taking the time to reply to me.
Brohoof! /)
Megga loved the convo with Discord. Your story just gets bettet and better.
Review as promised.
I know it took a bit of time for me to get to it and it'll probably take me a bit more time to get through it. I don't know, the whole concept of Twilight outliving her friends just doesn't interest me. That doesn't mean the writing can't be good, but if it wasn't for this promise, then wouldn't care about it.
So let's see, writing as I go. Spoilers by the way.
Chapter 1
Well, okay. You waste no time to get into it all. That's usually a good thing, but when it comes to emotionally heavy subjects, I feel a bit more time should be taken to really soak up the emotion. Here it felt a bit quick. Also, there seems to be a bit too much focus on how everyone is feeling and not enough on making the reader feel that way. Detailed description of how they were crying and not crying, but I couldn't really feel it.
But I'm guessing that changes in later chapters, seeing how they're a lot longer.
Another thing, is the shipping. Like I know FlutterMac is massively popular (used to be, khm khm Hard to Say Anything), but not everyone ships it. And I know some characters needed a husband, to show how much they changed, but if you're going to insert your ships, then at least make it count for something. Between being the only established ship in the story and Big Mac not really having an active role, it really just felt like rubbing it in to those booger gobblin' non-shippers, like myself. But I'm guessing this will change too.
Chapter 2
Alright, this already reads like an immature attempt from an "adult" cartoon, to parody a kids' show. This line however...
"Think about it. What do you think Rainbow Dash would say if she were alive?"
"I don't know." Pinkie shrugged her shoulders. "Get me out of this box, I'm in excruciating pain?"
Call me horrible, but this made me laugh.
But yeah, I feel Pinkie's condition was a bit too obvious. I see the logic, but after seeing so many material, fan-art and fan comics about Pinkie drinking, being thrash and doing drugs, my eyes were rolling constantly as I read... Not literally, of course, that would have made it hard to read.
What I did like however, is Twilight's eternal youth being pointed out. Not just pointed out, acknowledged! That is probably the most interesting part of the whole concept. How her friends react to growing old, but Twilight staying pretty much the same. I could also feel a bit of immaturity in her character here. I hope that'll be explored a bit more.
Other than that, the emotion, again, didn't feel like it had too much weight. After seeing how Pinkie acted, it's kind of hard to sympathize with her. It might have had a bit more of a punch, if they started to "miss her pink smile" before she died. That might have made the whole "desolation" of Pinkie feel a bit more genuine.
Chapter 3
Okay, that scene between Shining and Twilight, was fantastic! If that was the whole fic, I wouldn't be mad. It explained a lot, the passing of time and nearing of death could be felt perfectly, it was somber in the best way possible and it explored a lot of things, including how people feel about the unchanging Twilight. And did it in less than one chapter. It was fantastic!
Moving on, you seem to have done it again with a FlutterCord, which is probably the most disliked ship of mine. But I guess we do need answers on what happened to him... And he's back to stone? ... Man, what a disappointment. I mean, the parallels with foolish young love, so many romantic stories fixate on, is quite poignant and something was finally done with FlutterMac... But, it's just a tad disappointing to have it end so quickly and boringly. Also it's FlutterCord, so I hate it automatically.
This is where I noticed that you seemed to have forgotten the fantasy side of the whole thing. Like, not a single magical emergency or anything happened? And you teased me with Spike's future present, so you better deliver. Starlight was quickly shown out of the picture, with a random StarBurst. You better not do that with Spike!
Aw fuck, now Fluttershy's dead. At least we meet her children now... Shy Flower and Big Flutter? ... Seriously?!
Okay, Big Mac's part was also really good. I could feel the weight of the emotions in him. And so far he's a fantastic character. Despite the vapid beginning, where I thought you only inserted FlutterMac into the story because it's your favourite ship, it really has become probably the most interesting relationship in the whole story.
"Rarity's eyes dropped. "I can't go out just like that.""
What, you have cancer or something?
"Rarity's mane was gone and her eyes were red. "The chemotherapy did it," said Rarity in a quiet voice."
Pfff, fuck! ... Jeez, that's quite the bombshell to drop so suddenly... We'll see where it goes.
Chapter 4
Jeez, this is one emotional trip. I know I've been acting tough, but this is seriously starting to tire me out on an emotional level. There is a reason why I don't read sad fics and why I rarely even write sad things. Maybe trying to read the whole thing in one sitting was a bad idea, but I'm at the "final" chapter. Might as well finish, now that I'm here.
Okay, so something was actually done with Twilight's immaturity and it was something fantastic. This scene with Celestia and Twilight was perhaps the best one in the whole story. The dialogue felt natural, Celestia was handled well, there was a good philosophical side, explored many interesting ideas and the emotion had weight. If this was the whole fic... then I wouldn't be so emotionally drained.
I can say the same thing about her conversation with Luna.
Discord! Finally we're going to have a more satisfying conclusion than just him being turned to stone! I see this chapter will be focusing more on talking with powerful beings. That's a nice idea. Though this one seems to be just a big flood of headcanons. (Although Flurry Heart aging slowly does raise some interesting possibilities. Will she run to Twilight once Shining dies?) And of course some good philosophical value to Discord's lecture. I like how you shown three different stances on the universe so far.
And FlutterCord gets brought up again. But I can't say I'm mad (I'm to exhausted to be mad), Discord's part was actually handled pretty well and the foolish young love thing gets fully addressed. It's good.
And goddamn right you bring up Spike again....
I don't know what else to say... I finished.... In a single sitting...
...
I need to lie down for a bit....
Edit: After thinking for a bit, how will Twilight losing her friends affect her title as the princess of friendship? Losing friends seems like a pretty significant event to her title.
8194299
Hi,
Thank you very much for your review. It was very satisfying to read that you wished this or that point should better be addressed later and knowing it would . I was like "oh boy, wait until he gets to this part."
One thing that caught my attention is that I haven't really seen much of other fandom content, so I don't know what has been done to death or not. I haven't even seen beyond season 5. I did a bit of research and I added a line about Starlight Glimmer because she sounded important. So, when you say that there is a lot of content about Pinkie drinking and doing drugs, that's news for me. Also, from what I know, which isn't much, people with addictions are NOT pleasant to be around, but that doesn't mean that their families don't suffer when they finally die.
I am not a fan of shippings although I don't hate them either. I shipped Flutter with Discord and Big Mac because they were the best bad boy/good husband characters I had for Fluttershy's history. I thought Big Mac and Flutter would be the best "normal and happy in their relationship" characters I could find. It's a bit suprising where you say that BigFlutter is my favorite ship, when I don't even do ships. However, again, it's still satisfying to hear you say that you wish both relationships get resolved and then they do.
I deliberately left any "adventures" out. To me, the adventures in the series are a symbol for your late teen, young adult years where you experiment, travel, and do crazy stuff before having to acquire real responsibilities. I meant my fanfic to be about adulting, and while there might be a focus on bad events, it's mostly about issues adults have to deal with.
Finally, you're right. The first chapter is the weakest of them all, and it was written on a burst of creativity. While it was good to get the fic started, I didn't have any plans or structure to it. The rest of the chapters have more structure and arching and I developed a plan to write what each chapter would be about. I even made an excell file with ages and dates of events of most of the characters so that at each scene, I could easily tell what had happened so far to each character. I am thinking about going back and re-write the first chapter but I don't know if I will. I need to think about how to improve it and in a way it would feel like cheating.
Anyway, thank you for reading my fanfic. I am very impressed that you read it in a single sitting. You also made me realize that I have to write a stronger warning for people who aren't really into sad fanfics. Although to be honest, for me, death and its implications is part of what life is, which is why I classify the fic more as slice of life rather than sad. But you made me realize that it can be a harsh read for some.
8195716
Nah, I don't think a warning is necessary. Just maybe don't read the whole thing in one sitting. The topic of death isn't one that really bothers me, I even find beauty in it to some extent. And I've made peace with the concept of life's impermanence and have found comfort in it. It's just that watching my symbols of happiness wither away and die for two hours was very draining. I should have spaced it out a bit, but hey, then the review would have come slowly.
I'm fine now. I'm back to my positively nihilistic attitude.
awww fuck, this story plays with my emotions like no story else till now. I am afraid to read more, but at the same time, I beg you to continue!
Alright, here we are again. Can't quite remember what this was like the last time, so I'll probably get some things wrong.
First of all, there is a sort of prologue now. Some people wanted it, but I honestly think it was better without it. But that's a matter of personal taste I guess. Some people like to know exactly what's going on, I like to have a slight air of mystery and not tell everything. My biggest problem with this "prologue" however, is that most of the dialogue is exposition. I could see the effort to make it flow naturally, but it was still exposition dialogue, which has inherent clumsiness to it. Nice foreshadowing of Pinkie's problem though.
I know I said some more time should be taken to soak up the emotion. But by that I meant, take more time to get to the point. Draw out the scenes a bit more, so Rainbow's death comes as a whammy and not just the thing we're all expecting.
Edit: No, don't drag it out into boringness. Just take a bit more time to establish the impact.
Also, when Pinkie first talks, it's not made clear for a long time. I read her first bit in Fluttershy's voice, until, almost at the end of the paragraph, did you only point out she was even there.
The funeral scene was better, but still not quite there. Scootaloo's speech was great. Fluttershy's speech was good, though it felt a bit dry. I guess she wanted to talk more about Rainbow's legacy and all. Still, would have expected some more emotion from her. Annnd... those were the only two speeches. I mean, I don't expect you to write out the entire funeral, even though it would work emotionally, but two speeches is not quite enough. I was a bit disappointed to not see Spitfire's speech. I think she's also an important enough person in her life, to write a speech for.
So yeah, the emotion is definitely better. But maybe just draw it out a bit more. Make the conversation and friendly banter a bit longer, have pauses to describe the ponies' emotes, facial expressions, voices, body language. I think the intro was unnecessary, but many people wanted it, so I guess leave it. And have at least Spitfire's speech.
Also maybe drop the vagueness when it comes to referring to characters. What I mean is things like "the yellow pegasus", "colourful maned friend". According to the writing threads I read that one time, it's unnecessary and can confuse the reader. Which I actually experienced here a bit.
8292944
Well, thank you very much for your time. I fixed a thing here and there after reading your feedback, specially marking the part where Pinkie Pie speaks.
I don't think I'm going to write a speech for Spitfire. I just don't know the character to write something decent. I added her for the sake of complementing Rainbow's story.
I do not think the chapter is great literature, but it's definitely better than what it was.
Once again, thank you very much for reading it and for your review.
That is a nice ending. I would have liked to see Twilight confront Celestia about the accusations that Discord leveled against her. Still it is a good ending as we see possible new bearers appear.
So this is the end? Well... it was a wild emotional ride. A good end for a very good story.
Thank you for sharing this story with us.
8320171
I wanted to let that part somewhat unresolved for two reasons. First, chess moves between eternal beings take a long time and they are in no hurry to solve them. Second, I think it's better for the reader to image their own conclusion.
In any case, I want to thank you for reading my fanfic. I really appreciate it.
8320345
On the contrary, thank you for reading it. It means a lot to me.
I literally cried. Very touching story. Well done.
8322120
You're the fifth one I think, at least from the ones that I know. I'm now thinking of putting a counter.
Anyway, thank you for reading my story and spending your time on it and commenting. That means a lot to me.
8322279
you're welcome. Truly great work here. Definitely worth the sadness. Hope to read more from you in the future. :)
I read this, and I thought it would be good.
But then you ship fluttermac.
Nope.
Jk! It's a good story and I'll still read it, but I definitely prefer fluttercord.
8324602
Oh, I don't know. I think you'll be surprised. 😉
Overall, it was a good story! Great!
However, for one I'm a heartless monster and didn't cry at all.
Second, it felt to me like the characters, except for Twilight, acted out of character.
Third. I felt like Pinkie, while she would act crazy, wouldnt start doing drug overdoses.
Finally, the skipping around made me very confused. I wasn't sure what or where the timeline was.
It was a good story, not my cup of tea, but good job. Definitely deserves an upvote.
8325228
Well, thank you very much for reading it.
The part about Pinkie Pie is something that is commonly pointed out. However, it seems like it's a "should" thing. Like it shouldn't be that way. In my experience, alcoholism and addition has no limits and no one is immune from it. But that's just my interpretation. On the other hand, others haven't had a problem with it. Like all fanfics, you have to choose a position and you're not going to please everypony.
Thanks for the upvote and the comment, and again, for reading it.