When You Fall...

Source

Derpy is on her regular mail route, but gets into small scuffle. She happens to be far enough from Ponyville to be in range of a different hospital's jurisdiction. A nurse falls into the cute mare's adorable trap, that is her personality.

Chapters (4)

I'll always be... · 5th Mar 2017 · 2,981 words
2,981
Download .txt
Download .html
There to Catch You... · 5th Mar 2017 · 2,399 words
2,399
Download .txt
Download .html
Even if it's Just a Scratch... · 10th Mar 2017 · 2,819 words
2,819
Download .txt
Download .html
I'll Always Be There · 17th Mar 2017 · 3,726 words
3,726
Download .txt
Download .html

Comments ( 8 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 8
- Newest First
- Oldest First

Dash32

Dash32 #1 · Mar 5th, 2017 · · · I'll always be... ·

DerpiusHoovicus2

DerpiusHoovicus2 #2 · Mar 5th, 2017 · · · I'll always be... ·

7998450
Never fear, for moar is coming!

Dash32

Dash32 #3 · Mar 5th, 2017 · · · I'll always be... ·

YAY!

Lesesa

Lesesa #4 · Mar 6th, 2017 · · · There to Catch You... ·

Oh gawd. MOAR !

DerpiusHoovicus2

DerpiusHoovicus2 #5 · Mar 6th, 2017 · · · There to Catch You... ·

7999646
I'm glad to see you liked it! I will hopefully get another chapter out around Thursday, what with school and other stories in the way. I hope you like what I have in plan for the next chapter. Until then, may you have delicious muffins in your future.

forbloodysummer

forbloodysummer #6 · Mar 14th, 2017 · · · Even if it's Just a Scratch... ·

Enjoying this lovely little story so far, one thing I feel I should point out though:

“When and where should we go? For our date I mean, I’ll let you pick because I chose today’s venue.” Redheart thought hard on the question until she formulated an answer.
“If you can make it there is a party tomorrow that I was invited to up in Canterlot. It starts at 19:00. Everything is handled already and I’m allowed a plus one, if you can’t make it I can always have a friend fill in.” Derpy shook her head with firmity.
“Where is it? What should I wear?” Redheart brightened up.
“I’ll come pick you up if that works, it’s fairly formal so a simple dress or suit would be perfect.” Derpy was still a little suspicious.
“It’s not going to be packed right? I suck at huge events…” Redheart drew a leg around Derpy’s neck.
“It should only be about 70 ponies, if that’s too much I understand but I would really like you to come.” Redheart turned a tiny bit sad at the thought of Derpy rejecting her offer.
“Okay, as long as you don’t leave my side. You can pick me up here at 17:00 and maybe we could get dinner before we leave, my treat this time.” Redheart nodded vigorously.

You've got the 'new speaker, new paragraph' thing all sorted, but it's also normal for descriptions to follow the same rule in dialogue sections. So in the paragraph where Derpy speaks, the descriptions would be about her, and the ones where Redheart speaks would have Redheart's descriptions. Whereas, if you want to have Derpy speak, and describe Redheart's reaction, it'd be normal to put the reaction description in a new paragraph.

So in the section I've quoted above, each paragraph has a sentence of one pony speaking, followed by a sentence of the other reacting, which can make it quite confusing as to which character is doing the speaking (since the description can be confused for an 'action tag'). One solution would be to insert traditional dialogue tags between the dialogue and the description, such as:

“When and where should we go? For our date I mean, I’ll let you pick because I chose today’s venue," Derpy asked. Redheart thought hard on the question until she formulated an answer.

But even that looks a bit strange to me, so I'd be inclined to rephrase the whole section with the descriptions moved into the paragraphs where the same character described speaks, like this:

“When and where should we go? For our date I mean, I’ll let you pick because I chose today’s venue.”
Redheart thought hard on the question until she formulated an answer. “If you can make it there is a party tomorrow that I was invited to up in Canterlot. It starts at 19:00. Everything is handled already and I’m allowed a plus one, if you can’t make it I can always have a friend fill in.”
Derpy shook her head with firmity. "Where is it? What should I wear?”
“I’ll come pick you up if that works," Redheart brightened up, "it’s fairly formal so a simple dress or suit would be perfect.”
Derpy was still a little suspicious. “It’s not going to be packed right? I suck at huge events…”
Redheart drew a leg around Derpy’s neck. “It should only be about 70 ponies, if that’s too much I understand but I would really like you to come.” Redheart turned a tiny bit sad at the thought of Derpy rejecting her offer.
“Okay, as long as you don’t leave my side. You can pick me up here at 17:00 and maybe we could get dinner before we leave, my treat this time.”
Redheart nodded vigorously.

I hope that makes sense, it's quite confusing to describe as a concept, so please let me know if my explanation wasn't clear

Hope that helps! Thanks for writing the story