• Member Since 11th Jan, 2017
  • offline last seen Yesterday

The Fiery Phoenix


A pegasister who loves AU's

T
Source

When Twilight is disowned by her brother Fluttershy and Pinkie side with Twilight, get abandon by the rest of there friends and stick with her the entire time. But when Chrysalis is defeated the three aren't so ready to forgive the others and leave for the frozen north. alone the way the meet two familiar villain and one unfamiliar villains, all of them male.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 54 )

Spellcheckers will often highlight mistakes like were/we're based on the context. Might wanna run this story and its title by one.

There are way too many pictures, and moving pictures and youtube links here that I can't really focus on the story.

Overall, not bad. There are several grammar mistakes I found, but I can tell that you put some real effort into this. I can't wait to see what happens.

Comment posted by MythrilMoth deleted Mar 28th, 2017

This story ain't good, but it ain't bad either. Just very new and different. AND I LIKE NEW AND DIFFERENT! I look forward to more, AND PLEASE SHIP FLUTTERCORD, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE WITH A MOZZARELLA STICK ON PIZZA!
Look forward to more, you earned yourself a new follower.

8057389 sorry it will be a different ship. exactly what that ship will be is a suprise.

8057413
Ah crap is it!? Is it!? Agh! *Savagely chops up Celestia's body*

What's ironic, as almost always with this scenario, is the fact that the ponies abandoning their friends are the ones running away after cutting all ties. Fluttershy even accuses them of not caring right after Rarity asked if they're alright. And Twilight hurt her brother, the one who was mind-controlled and whom she wanted to protect in the first place. That's incredible hypocrisy and egotism, as is them jumping down the throats of the ponies who were fooled by Chrysalis because guess what,

"I'm sorry." Twilight said apologetically.

Twilight was fooled too! She and the friends with her also were fooled, but is that ever brought up? I've never seen it.

8058921
Well, the break happened pretty quickly. And I don't mean that in an ironic way. Other stories dealing with a similar topic tend to have page upon page of Twilight verbally tearing into her friends, family and teacher with incredible viciousness. The conflict has shifted to something else and I'm curious to see what direction it's going to go in.

8060037 Most fim fiction authors tend to have a hard time making Wedding relate fics simply because they don't know when to stop the 'Twilight bashes friends and Celestia' bit. In the end, it comes down to two extremes where some fics overlook the real problems leading up to the wedding and everyone is off the hook or it goes down the path of full blown melodramatic soap opera. Hardly anyone can pull off a middle route where Celestia and co. are properly scrutinized without turning it into a 'I hate everyone' or 'Dumblestia' story. Plus, they all do it for the same reasons and without any critical thought for the security-related issues that are much more important.

8062635
True. Most stories don't even allow Twilight's friends to speak up in their own defence when they actually have a few valid points to make. In the same manner, Shining Armor is usually treated horribly despite having the best defence possible: he was mind-controlled, so he isn't even responsible for his actions.

That often leads to the schizophrenic situation of Twilight having wanted to save her brother from being mind-controlled only to tear into him for what he did while he was mind-controlled!

Comment posted by McCoda deleted Mar 31st, 2017

and have Owlicious be a girl.

Hey! I'm not the only one who made that mistake. I though he was a girl for the longest time. I'm still not convinced.

Not really related to the story but when Twilight burst into the wedding, the video froze for a bit so it sounded like Chrysalis said "Why does she have to be sober?"

On the story as a whole, seems like a decent concept, with a very unique writing style. One thing I am going to mention is that you need an editor to look the chapters over and make sure you have the right words in the right places.

Regardless, I so look forward to reading the rest of this fic.

8057389 If you like new and different take a looked at my story "The Life of a Thestral"?

8069258
I'll check it out soon. I love thestrals, my own persona oc is one named Scribble Pen.

8069421 Okay, though tell me what you think afterwards.

8062674 Also the argument is that either

1) He wasn't mind controlled until the actual wedding.

2) How the mind control works is it make Shinning armor blind to Cadence a bit and that everything he said trully layed in his heart.

My will be a combination of both.

8084816
He was affected before the wedding already, though. Twilight saw ChysDance zap him with a spell, that's why she yelled about her being evil. Also, there's another hint: They argued about him wearing his favourite uncle's sash. She zapped him, he didn't wear it to the wedding. During the second wedding, after he was freed, he's actually wearing it. It's a very subtle nod, but it's there.

The question is to what extent was he being controlled.

8085046
What change in particular?

Incidentally, depending on how big a role the rest of Twilight's friends will play, you could tag "Mane Six" and then add the villains' tags. Helps the people who want to read about them.

Also, this may be a case of me being sloooow, but... I just now noticed the way the description emphasises how all the villains are male. If that leads to shipping between the heroines and them, I'm very, very interested!:pinkiehappy:

8090293 we'll the fact that I stopped coloring the text is What I'm talking about.

8093962 To be honest, I didn't even notice that much. It makes little difference to me, but I know a lot of readers think colour-coding dialogue is a crutch. I'm not one of those, but it's still out there and you deserve to know. In the end, it comes down to what you're more comfortable with.

I do have a few more writing tips, if that's okay with you!
When characters address one another, common convention is to put in a comma before or after the name. Here's the difference:

"Luna, wake up," Celestia said in Luna's ear as she shock her with her hooves.
"Five more minutes, Tia," Luna said turning over.

There's usually a pause when people address each other. It's short, but it's there, and it serves to clarify that they're indeed addressing someone personally.

Also, you may note I replaced the full stops with commas at the end of the dialogue. That's done when you follow the spoken part up with some variation of 'he/she said'. That construction is more or less still considered part of the same sentence, that's why the comma's there. So, in other words, it would be:

"This is really boring," Rainbow said.
"Nopony's making you stay." Twilight turned to the next page. "Now shush, I'm trying to read."
Rainbow snorted. "Egghead," she muttered under her breath and rolled over on her cloud.

Twilight's dialogue didn't follow up with 'she said', ending on a full stop, while Rainbow Dash's ended with a comma.

Those are all writing conventions, so of course you can always decide not to follow them. I found they are helpful for the audience, though. The choice is up to you!

Chalk....oh dear...we all remember what Starlight Gilmmer and Sunburst can do with a chalk circle right??...

8785937
How you said that Shining wasnt brain washed UNTIL the wedding took place.

8785960 Oh ya I always wonder why no one noticed that detail.

8785969
Because people are dim-witted idiots, and are just trying to defend the infamous 7, and/or just hate Twilight for some reason.

8935591
Rainbow Dash was never a liked character for me. She was ONLY higher the Flash Sentry, Starlight Glimmer, and Tirek.

And for your second comment, I agree. It seemed rather stupid Pinkie and Fluttershy would just walk away like that. Now Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash? I know they would do something like that.

9021757
8935591
And thats why in this fan fic they stick with Twilight. Because I always wonder why Fluttershy and Pinky pie never stay with Twilight during the actual episode

8785969
Mostly because I think he was charmed until the wedding. It's similar to brainwashing.

8785960
But don't we see him getting brainwashed before Twilight tries confronting Chrysalis back when the preparations are still going on?

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