When Twilight opens up her castle to ponies in town with friendship problems, Diamond Tiara comes looking for help with difficult problem—getting a pony she's bullied to forgive her.
So, Twilight sends Starlight Glimmer to help her. Will Starlight and Diamond Tiara be able to sort this problem out, and will Starlight be able to apply what she’s learned from this friendship mission to the few ponies who still hate her?
Cover art done by Minty25
Written for Everfree Northwest's 2017 annual write off. This years theme, growing up wild and forever free. Written with the AJ award, The true favor, most in mind.
That, and a theory I have since I got my firend Lightingsword to help out this year; If I can write a Starlight glimmer story he could enjoy, I might have a chance of winning this year 
Speaking of, please give it up for my pre-readers for this year;
Of course, my buddy who inspired in his own special way this story :p Lightingsword
My newest fim fiction friend who has helped me the most this year grow as a writer, Hap Hazard, winner of last years Dash award, as well as entering for the same award again this year
And to some of my brony YouTube/reviewer friends who pitched in at the last minutes to help;
Sparkle Chord
Season, formerly know as Brush Stroke, Who's also a writer.
And one Insane Bardock.
Thank you everyone who helped out this year.
Notes from the pre-readers part 2:
Hap Hazards and Lightingsword final thoughts
For this years Everfree, I had a few other stories I wanted to submit, but none of my first few ideas fit well into the theme or categories. Edventualy, I got to thinking about of my past and present experience with friends being mad at me, and one idea was, what if Starlight had to deal with a few ponies who still didn't like her? This lead me to thinking about how much Lightingsword hated Starlight, and that's when I went, lightbulb!, for what I wanted to do for Everfree.
Basically, my whole entry's choice, centered around this train of logic; if I could make Lightingsword like a Starlight Glimmer episode, I could make anyone (Everfree judges XD) like it.
And this was our first skype chat about him pre-reading the first drafts;
Me
Hey, just got a very, very, as in first first draft, of my everyfree entry. Will try to clean up grammar today or tommorw, but though I'd share now to keep my moral moving: (the link)
Sword
Hope you don't mind me doing a bit of proofreading. :)
Sure, go ahead. Though like I said, first rough draft, would try to fix a bulk of grammar errors tommorw if you want to wait, and go in thinking this is a starlight glimmer episode (theme being make it feel like an episode of the show)
Sword (first impression)
A really good idea, and a great gray-area moral. Could use some editing here and there (not just with spelling and grammar, but pacing and wording). Overall, pretty good. :)
Me
Most from the middle I take it? (Suffer something-middle story syndrome. Know how I want it to start and end, but don't know how to connect it in the most engaging way)...
Wait, it had Starlight, and you liked it?! 0.o *•
everypony for themselves!
(bomb) (skull) (turkey) (holi)
Sword
It's fan fiction. Of course I liked it. If the show writers had written it, they would have had Starlight break the law, get forgiven easily, and solve the problem anyway. You have her a bit of actual dimension instead of just using the story to say "LIKE STARLIGHT! LIKE HER, DAMN YOU!!"
Me
:O I knew I forgot something :P find way for DT and SG to break the law while trying to win over Twist
Oh a serious note, I actually wanted twist to not even forgive Diamond at all, but had to go, 'if I was put in charge and had someone who would likely say, you can't do this,' the next best thing
Sword
To tell the truth, this story is very similar to one I wanted to write about Nocturne.
Me
? Alright then :) (got you motivated to help me more (devil) ) though actually, my first idea was Starlight dealing with a colt who didn't forgive her. But I couldn't make it work in context of the contest without a sappy ending
*thats how that started... he also saved me from a bit of a boo-boo with my description credits...*
... and my new fim fiction *fan, Hap Hazard.
Sword
Aside from some spelling and punctuation errors, not bad. Might want to refer to Hap as a friend. "Fan" sounds pretentious. ?
*i mean, be thrilled if Hap became a fan :D, but friendship first*
*final thoughts from google docs*
Sword
Okay, having gone through the whole thing, I can already tell you that this would easily make an excellent episode, leagues better than "No Second Prances". Starlight and Diamond have a common problem, and Starlight is being given a problem to solve on her own without the entire universe she's in catering to her. Diamond is very well fleshed out, and has a very well-written inner conflict of forgiveness for others versus forgiveness for its own sake. And the ending is mature and doesn't force anything, impressive and more than worthy of an episode.
You do have a lack of detail in a lot of areas that, if fleshed out better, would make things even more vivid and hook the reader better. For example, Starlight's relationship with Diamond, emotional reactions, thought processes, the like. I don't know what the maximum word limit is for this contest, but if you can improve on all of that without going over the limit, that's really all you need.
I certainly hope this story does well, and I hope you can make the necessary changes and additions before your deadline. Sorry I wasn't able to get to it sooner, but I've done all I can to help. Good luck. :)
Me
thank you, sword ^^
though while the intention was, if i could get you to like it I would have a shot, i'm still scared you liked something with Starlight 0.o
*Starts stocking up on corn*
Sword
Well, it's a fanfic, and it's it's non-canon, so I'm free to like it all I want. :P. Besides, if the writers could write something like this, I wouldn't hate Starlight as much as I do. But seeing as how the writers don't, nor ever could, write episodes like this, it's still not likely to happen.
*he also saved me from a bit of a boo-boo with my description credits...*
... and my new fim fiction *fan, Hap Hazard.
Sword
Aside from some spelling and punctuation errors, not bad. Might want to refer to Hap as a friend. "Fan" sounds pretentious. ?
*i mean, be thrilled if Hap became a fan :D, but friendship first. Speaking of:
Hap Hazard (final thoughts)
Okay, on the whole, aside from the comments I made, I only have a handful of global comments.
I think the story is straightforward enough, although I'd say it kind of stutters near the middle. I think this is because I kind of knew where it was going to go, so watching DT and SG attempt a bunch of things only for it to inevitably fail felt a bit tedious at times. I did, however, appreciate the characterisation for DT, and I liked the aspect where she essentially tried to buy Twist's friendship. I would have loved to see more come of it in the final scenes, where DT and Twist have their heart to heart.
Another thing I think the story could have benefited from would be seeing the effect the situation has on DT. Whilst she does state that she 'can't sleep', I think it would have really driven the point home to actually see how bad Twist is making her feel. I confess I'm not entirely sure how I'd go about doing that given the word count restriction, but if you can think of a creative way to show it, I would have appreciated seeing it. Currently there are no real stakes for DT, aside from the ones she claims to have but that we do not see for ourselves.
I also liked the parallels between SG and DT. Given that the story is mainly about DT, I am pretty satisfied with what I got on that aspect.
I also have some reservations about the beginning, but I'll be scrolling up shortly to write about that where I actually have my issues.
Me
Eh, yeah, I suck at middle writing >.> something about knowing how I want my stories to start and end, but not how to connect them in the most engaging way.
Huh... best I can come up with is chanceing more of these effects on DT
Also, my original idea was to have it be the story about that stallion from Starlight's village who hadn't forgiven her yet. However, I realized I couldn't make it work in the text of the contest for 'feeling like an episode from the show.' Got this idea both from bojack horsemen, and personal experience I've been going through.
I knew to make this story best fit for the contest, I would have to give some happy ending, and I just couldn't with Starlights story (I could, but it would have felt forced and cheesy) so having help someone like Diamond Tiara felt a lot better.
Though,I original wanted it to end without Twist talking to Diamond at sugarcub corner, but both knew that ending would have been more likely to both get past anyone's at hasbros head, and I honestly think it works a lot better as a more middle ground.
It may seem 'extreme' to be obsessed over one person who's mad at you, but I've been there and still am with dozens of people.
Plus, it's as dr wolf said, one mean comment can last longer than a thousand good ones.
Same goes for people who you did something bad to and want to make up for it
Hap
Yeah, I dig the conflict of wanting forgiveness but not being given it, although in my experience it's a super hard one to work with. Thing is, if you backtrack and give the character forgiveness, it to a certain extent undoes most of what you've been saying throughout the story, but on the flipside, if you don't give the character forgiveness, there's no resolution.
I grappled with the problem ages ago in another story and I don't think I addressed the problem very well, likely because I was just discovering it. I think that the fact the characters here are foals will likely work to your advantage.
****
And that's all we have for this story. Thanks to everyone who read and helped me, once I get home wifi I hope to get back to writing with a vengeance
Notes from the pre-readers part 1:
"Princess Twilight Sparkle?" she said, chest puffed out, "I am in need of your service!"
Haphazard
You needn't capitalise 'she' here.
This might be a recurring thing, so it might be worthwhile to skim through looking for similar instances. Unless I'm wrong? Hang on, I'm going to go peruse the writing guide.
I checked the writing guide, I am indeed correct. After a comma, question mark, or exclamation mark, you need not capitalise the word that comes after, unless it is otherwise capitalised (like a proper noun or something).
*originally was going to have Diamond Tiara lead Twilight and Starlight outside the castle to show her Twist first. This is why Hap said about it:*
I think this is a highly awkward way to transition from place to place. I'd consider trying to separate the part in the castle and the part with Twist, or else elaborate on how they go from A to B. A single sentence, whilst not completely awful, does make for a very rapid shift from place to place, and one I believe you could improve.
It might be worthwhile to have DT explain her friendship problem at the castle then cut to them near Twist, or have DT say she wants them to follow her without elaborating, then cut. Or else have her explain whilst en route. Or something else! I certainly do not have a monopoly on solutions.
Oh, and Ponyville needs to be capitalised.
*also said this before I added Diamond Tiara explaining all she's done so far*
I have an issue with this area too, simply because it's incredibly short. For what is arguably one of the most important bits of the story, it's less than half as long as Twilight moderating between BonBon and Lyra. As a result, this section feels unelaborated. I'd recommend taking this opportunity to show DT's emotions and feelings as well as the other characters. I think doing so would elaborate on their motivations, which currently seem rather vague.
*and I had Diamond Tiara called Starlight an aid...*
I just want to verify something here. When Twilight says she will not be taking the case, DT comments that she will 'get the aid of the princess of friendship'. Given the circumstances I don't think this is the case: she just gets SG. Is this an error, or am I misunderstanding?
*yeah, I needed this guys help ^^' though he did me this on when introducing someone like Twist or Steven pony*
Hap
This is the second time by my counting that we've had a description following this formula (the previous being Twist). My issue with it is that the description doesn't say anything about the character or what's going on (consider that knowing the colour of a pony doesn't really impact upon their personality or what they're doing, and is purely cosmetic in nature). I'd advise in both cases trying to find a more interesting way to present these ponies. Consider describing their expressions, actions, simply using their names (in the case of Twist) and if the pony isn't particularly important, why not omit the description altogether?
***
"What happened in *Baltamte?" Starlight asked.
Season
Instead of saying Baltimare again here, maybe replace it with "What happened there?" it helps the flow a bit.
*or could have said Vegus :p*
'Twist vs. the fruit stand as it first was.'
Lightingsword
A bit quick, I think. There should probably be some extra steps that get Twist to crash into the fruit stand outside, instead of her just sailing out the door and directly into it.
Transition is a bit too quick. Show what Twist looks like in the wreckage, and have everyone cringe a little at the scene, as well. Be sure to show detail in the crash and the aftermath, and show varying degrees of the reactions.
This reaction could also be lengthened. Show Diamond's emotional reaction a little more in-depth, and have her rant go on longer.
****
Diamond squinted her eyes. ‘I promise to leave you alone. Don't forgive me, but if that is the only thing I can do to make you happy, you have my word.’ She opened her mouth. “I promise you won't have to worry about me bugging you anymore. I'll go away, for real.”
Hap
Is this supposed to be normal speak, or was it meant to be italics?
Me
Normal, to try and add effect
Hap
Sweet, I can dig it. You might want to consider emphasising that she spoke it physically, though, to avoid any confusion that might arise.
****
Sparklechord
*Most of Sparkle's comments where simple, consider rewording this awkward sentence I couldn't save since I need to delete them the editing process easier. (Though have a better idea how next time to record my mistakes and learn from them) However, she did leave this one comment for;*
“Mph!” the fully cast pony shouted at her.
“Huh?” Starlight said, before casting the Speak Your Mind spell on him. “You need something?”
‘I can talk? I can talk again! Finally, I can at last let everypony know—’
Sparkle
I like this, it's hilarious XD
*yes, yes it was*
"If this is all being good dose, why even bother?"
Hap
'does', not 'dose'.
*note to myself, look up.*
"Hey, twilight, noponies *perfect.'
*for some reason, spell check on google docs derped with perfect, only accepting, perrfect, for just that bit at the end XD*
Hap
Not that I don't appreciate me some cat jokes when I'm feline up to it, but why though?
Me
I can't seem to spell perfect with this for some reason
Hap
Maybe it's the cat punnery within trying to escape with furvour?
Me
i blame myself for being shipped with bright idea OuO
*finale thoughts have been moved to a separate comment for lengths*
This was the Starlight Glimmer episode we should have gotten.
What did happen at Baltimare?!
8009469
In, baltamte ;p
Do you mean, "as much forgiveness"?
I think you mean guilt. Although sometimes I guess some quilts can be pretty tough to escape too.
Snacks might work better. Or at least that's what I'd have at a party. But hey, you do you.
Pretty good aside from a few minor rough spots like these. This story definitely reads like an episode of the show, with a good friendship lesson and all.
8017710
only three grammar errors? and lesser reviewed story?
I noticed quite a few more errors:
???
Still, overall a pretty good story. I'll have to agree with HapHazard's review that it doesn't quite seem to address the prompt, though. I plan to review this one pretty soon, so I'll leave the longer review until then.
8022133
Every bit helps ^^'
8022133
Haps review?
8022405 This one. He also reviewed mine.
8022420
Neat :)
Well even if it's too late, fixed.
Besides, since I'm aiming for the 'feels like an epsidoe reviews' it also has flaws like the real thing XD
8022447 Hey there! I've reviewed your story here.
So, I want to say this story is a unique mixture of good and bad elements. Most stories pick a spot in the spectrum (however good or bad) and stick to it, but not this one. Oh no, it's a roller coaster up and down!
That said, I don't want to be too negative here, but flaws are easier to point out than "it's just fine as is." So please, don't take anything too harshly. Negatives are meant as constructive criticism.
First off, let me say there's a great core to this tale. Pairing Starlight Glimmer and Diamond Tiara is a brilliant match. The "Friends Forever" series of MLP comics really needs to hit this pairing, as it's great. But... the story itself here starts way too late. DT wants forgiveness, and Starlight preempts Twilight to play mentor. Good. But then we spend the next couple thousand words watching "scenes" where nothing really advances the plot. You can show DT trying/failing to earn forgiveness with far fewer words.
There are a few nods to comedy in here which don't quite work. Some fourth-wall "winks" from Starlight, and some other meta-humor mostly, including the "Baltimare" non-joke. Another major flaw is that Diamond Tiara (mostly) speaks like an expository narrator, rather than a filly. She's talking on Starlight's same level, not the mentor-pupil mode you'd set up. Voicing is important.
On a technical level, there's a couple dozen minor typos and the like. Not enough to truly distract, but enough to suggest you need to take a little more time with proofreading. The nomenclature, however, is distracting. We've got "Diamond Tiara," "Dia," "Diamond," and "Tiara." That's too much. Full name, and maybe one shortened form is fine. But narration shouldn't use all of them. And "Dia" is a weird nickname. Di-ah is just as many syllables as Di-mond, so no one would likely shorten it that way. Just Di (as in princess Di-anna) works better. But that's me nitpicking.
Last level of complaints is that you don't foreshadow the Hazlenut allergy. That's just diabolis ex machina, and it doesn't advance the story significantly. The "Fully cast pony" thing comes out of the blue as well. Very distracting, and I suspect edits happend around that point. Lastly, Starlight's weird "insight" into her own situation is unearned. By that, I mean she starts of in exactly the same place as DT, but then suddenly she has insight as though she's solved her own problems and is wiser, yet we see none of that process. Go back, set up their roles not quite as much as "equals" but mentor-pupil, and this works a lot better.
What I loved though, was the main confrontation. When the "Speak Your Mind" spell hits (great idea with that, by thew way) the emotions felt raw and true. A great scene there. Similarly, later, when Twist finally comes to apologize, there is lots of great emotion there! There's also a great little bit of comedy when Starlight only half-jokes about "making" ponies forgive in the early bits.
Overall, I really think there's a strong core and idea here, but it suffers from too much distraction. Think about those scenes I mentioned above, the confrontation and the forgiveness. Focus on those, and write everything else to drive solely at that same emotion. It's a good one, a strong one, but anything taking us down rabbit trails just weakens it.
8031468
Meh, only defense with the intro and some pacing issues for the start is I'm aiming for the AJ (truest fable, feel like an episode of the show award) for Everfree.
Though I swear I can proof a thousand times and miss a lot >.>
Oh well :), maybe not this year from how you reviewed it, but one step closer next year
*opens the trash can after Diamond Tiara leaves*
Trash can: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—
*closes trash can*