The Tree of Decisions

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Celestia and Luna idolize the Tree of Harmony. It's such an old relic. They want to learn about out it but are afraid to mess with it. They are forced to decide when an evil creature takes over Equestria

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Winston

Winston #1 · Mar 11th, 2017 · · ·

Quick review:
This story is a good effort, but there are several mechanical and conceptual issues to work out.
One example is here:

This tree. The tree of harmony. It was something older than time. Possibly older than her and Luna. They should not use it.
Then there was the fact that we are still learning something new about this land every day. We have been here for a good amount of time, but still, we don’t know all the secrets that place holds.
When we first found this tree, we were drawn by its power. Then we got our cutie marks which are the same as on the tree. It was as if we were meant to use its power.
Celestia took one last look at the tree and flew back to her castle.

The story starts in third person perspective, shifts to first person here for a couple paragraphs, and then goes back to third person again.

Conceptually, one thing that doesn't work well for me is the way the sisters are characterized. I can accept the reasoning that they'd be a little different than what we see canonically because they're young, but it's more than that: they're not just young, they're implausibly naive. They think and do things in very simplistic ways with very simplistic motives. However, I think this may be more a symptom of thinking too simplistically about their thoughts and decisions in order to drive the plot to an intended destination than it is about intentionally characterizing them this way, so correcting this may simply be a matter of making more effort to see through their eyes and stand in their horseshoes to capture their complexities as real people.

I'm also puzzled by some logical inconsistencies: for example, how there are books about the crystal tree for the sisters to spend, apparently, years holed up in their castle reading about it, if it's a mysterious recently discovered feature of the newly settled land of Equestria? Books filled with ancient wisdom or knowledge are a common theme in fantasy stories, but I don't think the approach this particular story takes is sensible: books seem to be treated here as mystical sources of knowledge that simply exist of their own volition, already filled with wise words and arcane facts. That's not really how it works. Books need authors, and they can only have in them what those authors already know. If nopony really knows anything about this tree, it's hard to understand how there's anything significant to read about it.

Overall, I really like that this story takes on the subject of the early days of the Princesses, which one of the areas of MLP lore that fascinates me the most. I think it could stand to benefit from a little more work and revision, though, in several different areas.

Xepher

Xepher #2 · Mar 12th, 2017 · · ·

As 8013381 points out, there are some definite problems at the technical level here. It's clear that you're just starting out in writing, and are making some of the mistakes all new authors make. (Yes, I mean ALL, so you're in good company.) What shows a lot of promise is your precise choice of wording, and a consistency throughout the piece that shows you have focus. The problems I see are, I believe, from lack of experience, not lack of effort. Likewise, you clearly had an idea for the story you wanted to tell here, and it has some great potential in both settings and characters to be truly interesting.

If I could offer any advice it'd be the following:

1. Keep at it! It takes hundreds of thousands of words written to become truly proficient at story telling, but long before then, those that are really putting in the effort will start to stand out. You can definitely be one of them if you stick with it. (Also, if you really start writing seriously, a hundred thousand words can go by way faster than you ever imagined.)

2. Remember that dialog isn't the only way to advance the story. Some things are best left unsaid, or summarized in action/thoughts. Prose is a not a play or a script. You can describe what a character is thinking, without explicitly having them say it. Ex: "Celestia pondered her options." fits in much more naturally than "'I am pondering my options,' Celestia said."

3. Try not to repeat things. Even if another character is agreeing (ex: "It feels wrong to mess with it" is mentioned several times) you don't necessarily have to repeat it. Describe the agreement, and only use dialog to show the next step in the conversation. It's much better to have a character simply agree in action, then say something new, then to have them repeat the same (or similar) phrase. Ex:

"It seems way out of place." (Celestia)
"That is weird." (Luna)

We already know it's weird from the first line, so just say "Luna nodded" or even skip that and just move on directly to the next bit of the conversation. "What do you think it is?" The agreement is naturally assumed by the reader, as the character isn't disputing it.

4. Try more complex sentence structures. Many paragraphs would flow better in this story if the sentences were combined, and repetition reduced.

She went to her room and got out her journal. Journaling was the best way to keep track of her life. Everything was going so fast.

That might flow better as:

She went to her room and got out her journal. Everything in her life was going so fast that writing it down sometimes seemed like the only way to keep track.

The latter also gives us more of a personal touch. It suggests an internal motivation for journaling, rather than it just being an objective fact that it's "the best way to keep track."

Ocean Melody