- Member Since 13th Jan, 2013
- offline last seen 24 minutes ago
Futile Task
I'm just a simple writer sharing his hobby with the world, hope you all enjoy.
Futile Task
Joined 13th Jan, 2013 ·
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Liking it so far, looking forward to reading more ^_^
And boom goes the dynamite.
#neversawitcoming
Wow, this looks to be a great fic.
I'm eager to read more!
This story definitely has an interesting concept, and you've got a lot of worldbuilding potential here, but there are some serious flaws in it as well.
One of the biggest is the dialogue. There are a lot of places where sentences sound really awkward, either because of phrasing or the lack of contractions, and you have a real problem with overusing the word "for". As an example of that last bit:
No one speaks like that. Literally no one. It automatically makes any sentence it appears in sound awkward and forced. You can get away with it in Fenrir's speech since he's foreign, but in the ponies it's incredibly awkward.
There were also some plot issues in the second chapter. For example, why did Twilight have to have the rest of the group explain how ponies would react to Fenrir and how they've reacted to Celestia's law in the past when she's not only lived through that prejudice herself, but also studied directly under Celestia for likely more than a decade. It's unlikely that anyone in her situation wouldn't already know all of that, but it's even more unlikely that someone as studious and compulsively prepared as Twilight wouldn't have taken the time to actively seek out that information on her own.
Why is Twilight being chased out of town even mentioned? She's royalty. There's literally nothing they can do to remove her if she doesn't want to be removed. Knowing that the Mayor would likely side with her if anyone tried is definitely good to know, but even if she didn't it wouldn't change whether or not they would be able to chase twilight out of town via legal means.
And the end bit there with Rainbow and Mac is... confusing. It kinda seems like they're dating, but if they are I have no idea why Rarity would get mad at Mac for leaving the farm. That whole thing at the Acres was really abrupt and not very well defined, sort of like why all of them showed up at Twilight's house right at the wrong moment to begin with, since as far as I could tell, none of them had any real reason to be there beyond plot necessity.
Overall, while I really like the concept, the story itself needs some polish. Consider getting an editor, or even just having someone you know look it over for you to help you iron out the rough parts.
relation between prey and predator are always difficult
This story is a perfect example of how one event can cause much change.
Estoy empezando a amar esto
[I'm starting to love this.]
7993562 you relise there probably a herd
7993562 and honestly the speech isn't that bad
7996122
No, I don't, because there's nothing in the story to indicate that herding is even a thing in that world. Canon pretty explicitly states that ponies are monogamous, and the only confirmed relationship we know of in the story is monogamous as well. If you wanna go against that--especially with a relationship that comes completely out of left field like that one did (assuming it even is a relationship)--you need to be clear about it.
7996123
"Not that bad" isn't the same thing as "good". Especially when almost all the errors can be fixed by simply asking yourself the question, "have I ever, in my entire life, heard anyone speak like this?"
7996132 ahhh i see your lost, this is fan fiction territory cannon when out the window long ago, by your logic this story should exist because twilight has never been shown in a relationship the warg haven't been introduced to mlp. Il let the author know to take it down because 'its not cannon enough for you'
also i pity the mares then if there monogamous considering the gender ratio in the show lots need mares out there not getting a dicking
and yes yes I have heard people speak like that there generaly snoby stuck up cunts who i would love punt across a football field
7996172
Clearly you're the one who's lost here, not me. Not surprising since you barely seem grasp how the English language works, if the grammar in your posts is anything to go by. Let me clarify for you.
If you look back at my previous post, you'll notice this line right here:
Nowhere in that sentence does it say that a writer can't deviate from canon. The only thing it says is that if you do, you need to be clear about it. The ability to deviate from canon is a large part of what makes writing and reading fan fiction fun, but because there is a canon storyline, unless you let the readers know that you're not following it, they'll expect you to. It's the same reason why every fan fiction doesn't have to go back and explain how Twilight became friends with the other girls. We've seen the show, so we expect that, unless the author tells us differently, those facts still apply in the fiction.
As far as the perceived gender ratio goes, there are a lot of explanations for that. Most of them end up boiling down to either there isn't one in any "real" portrayal of a functioning Equestria, or it's a TV show targeted at little girls, so there will obviously be more female characters that get screen time. But regardless of what answer any particular fan fiction writer chooses to use, it's one of those things that needs to be addressed (if it's relevant) rather than just assuming that the readers will happen to have the same headcanon.
And I... honestly have no idea what you're trying to say in that last line. Something about someone being a cunt, but that's all I really got out of it. All I can say is that if you're talking about me you'll have to try harder. That's not even the worst insult I've heard this morning.
Well that was a MASSIVE exposition dump, in the future might wanna consider spreading that out a tad more. Still, the concept is interesting and unique enough that it kept me interested and will hopefully do the same for others.
...Oookay. I said it in the first chapter and I'll say it in this one. Too much exposition in too little time. These are good ideas, it's all just being condensed into one tiny little spot. It's hard to get invested in the idea that Applejack is this bigoted activist when we're barely introduced to it over a few hundred words. It's hard to be invested in the idea of Big Mac abandoning his family because of ideological differences after ten lines of arguing.
These things are important to the story, and deserve some time and attention paid to them.
7996523
A lot of this stuff will be fleshed out in later chapters via the characters or in flash backs.
Did no one notice him walking to town?
So I'm assuming the racial issues are going to be at the center point of the fic. You got a good set up and the family strife is good bonus to build from. Don't go solving everything out right and you'll have a pretty decent story.
I'm docking points for "applejack's a racist hick" stereotype.
7997929
Well, she has her reasons.
7998058 oh she always does its just an annoying trope making the country pony racist. Its always applejack or rainbow, I've only read one story where the bigot in main six wasn't one of those two. They actually used rarity but it wasn't the focus of the story and was only used in the beginning for the set up.
7997904
Even in canon all of the characters are selectively ignorant to the extreme.
7999372 see the problem with that statement is that's absolutely true in the most literal unbiased definition way. I'm not sure of which specific case your thinking of but let's look at the case of zecora. Zecora is a zebra from zebrica (Africa) she has a culture and outward appearance that ponies have never seen before. Ponies ran in fear of her because they didn't know her. Now in our society this is damning of an individual because we know how an African looks and know they have a culture all their own so fearing them is just stupid in an educated mind. And we have knowledge through tv, stufy, radio, magazines, books etc. There are perfectly normal people who have never met an African who aren't racist because of these outlets. Ponies however do not have these outlets and in fact live vastly separated from most of their country. So imagine their shock when a striped pony comes walking in from the most "dangerous" forest they know ryming every sentance and wearing a cloak. They most logical of them would conclude that zecora was an insane possibly dangerous hermit. And if their brains work like a human's then we can conclude that they will rationalize their fear before even questioning if they even should be afraid in the first place, leading to the "evil entrantress".
The ponies appear to live in a mixed and twisted renaissance/industrial era I think we can forgive them for lacking knowledge and being afraid of the unknown. And besides they were open and inviting once they got to know zecora so them being prejudice and racist doesn't really fly.
Haha, wow. That is kinda interesting how Applejack wentry so far. Still, might want to slow the throttle down on your pacing here. So much is happening so fast that it kinda leaves you going "What dafqu?". Other than the fact that shit is happening so freaking fast, this seems like an interesting story concept that I want to see where it goes. Also maybe be a bit more descriptive, it might give better glimpses of what is going on while maybe helping with the pacing.
7997904 Well of course not, the powers of deus ex machina made it so.
Can't wait for new chapter!
Can hardly wait for the next chapter.
Keep up the awesome work!
Two chapters in and this is now one of my favorites of all stories on here.
I sincerely hope that you are not abandoning this story. It has to be in my top 10 favorites.
Keep writing and I look forward to many new chapters from you.
whoah that was probually one of the longest times between update's i've ever had.
And that was a crud ton of information i have to sort through later.
progress is good though
i take the longest time back
it isn't but it felt like it.
YEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!
This is a pretty cool story you got going. Hope you continue it
This is great.
Would be interesting if The Morrigahn showed up at the wedding as well. :-)
8857888
8858777
even better, The Morrigahn also talks to the Apple family
When is it going to be updated?
I hope we have a new chapter soon
When is the next chapter?
Great story. When is the next chapter coming out?
New Chapter soon please
This story is awesome!!!
When next update?
How big is fenrir?
9184596
Fenrir is about the size of Big Macintosh, which makes him average size among most male wargs.
A quand la suite
Is there going to be a new chapter soon??? PLEASE!
Well that happened...
I understand about trying to figure out where to put a plot element. but I do hope the updates are faster now. *WolfGrin*
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9270696
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That escalated oddly.
Thank you. I'm glad to see a new chapter. I'll read it now