• Member Since 10th Feb, 2017
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If your writing isn't killing you, it's no surprise I'm disappointed...


Nopony knows who he is or where he came from, Not even he himself could give any expaination... All they did know is that he needed help. Nopony could have possibly geussed how much trouble he was really in... ????? in Equestria fic

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 5 )

Hi there! I read your story (so far) and I have a few critiques for you. :scootangel: That's not to say it's all bad. The amnesiac former-something-else in Equestria plot is one of my guilty pleasures, so I have no issue with the concept, and some of your ideas are amusing, like the notion that ponies do actually randomly break out into musical numbers (one of my headcanons!) or Derpy having a pet rock :)

Anyway, I'll go through what I feel are some of the issues with this fic.

Walls of text

This one's the main issue: You must start a new paragraph when a new character is speaking. If you don't, the dialogue gets swallowed up into a big wall of text and it's very difficult for a reader to follow the conversation. Walls of text are the biggest put-off for many readers.


"Let's start simple! You dunno your name, but do you know where you are?" he gave a blank look for a second. "Horse Land?" he asked hopefully. "Equestria actually!" She corrected cheerfully. "Or, more Specifically, PONYVILLE!"

With paragraph breaks:

"Let's start simple! You dunno your name, but do you know where you are?"

He gave a blank look for a second. "Horse Land?" he asked hopefully.

"Equestria actually!" she corrected cheerfully. "Or, more specifically, PONYVILLE!"

Too many chapters

Breaking up your chapter 1 into 4 parts doesn't make a whole lot of sense. They are essentially all the same "scene" and so should all be the same chapter. Breaking them up interrupts the flow of the scene for the reader.

Chapter titles

Wanderer (part 1: Meeting Equestria is Easier With an Empty Head!)

Your chapters titles are fine; in fact, if you are going to break up your first chapter, you should actually make these the official Fimfiction chapter titles, rather than just including them at the top of each chapter. It helps to establish the tone of each chapter, which at least gives the reader some contextual help.

To be continued

The "(To be continued)" endings are unnecessary. Stories aren't TV shows; the reader knows that the story isn't going to end just because the chapter has ended.

Author notes

Note from the author:Italic writing is introduction Thank you!

Avoid leaving notes like these in the story. The reader doesn't need them, and it only serves to take the reader out of the story.

Stage directions

(after a minute of letting him calm down)

This kind of action belongs in a screenplay or script, but not a story. If you need to show the passage of time, simply describe it; eg: "After a minute of panicking, he managed to calm himself down."

Derpy's character

This isn't necessarily a criticism, since as an author you have free rein over how you portray a character. But, Derpy feels way out of character here; she seems more like a male college student than the bubbly mare we know from the show. (I can't see her ever using the words "bummer" or "chill", for example). In fact, her lines would actually be perfect for Vinyl Scratch, who does have this kind of personality.

Hope this helps. Keep at it! :raritywink:

I know it has issues, most of which can be fixed with an editor. I will most likely have these fixed and the whole thing will be combined into a single chapter later once I find one willing to keep the character dialogue the same. (I have my reasons for this, trust me.) :scootangel:

the number of chapters is normally due to me just submitting what I have done after a major writing session starting normally on weekends around midnight. :ajsleepy:
and as for Derpy, well I can assure you she has her reasons for not acting fully like herself at the moment, mainly because of the "incident" mentioned in part three and I plan to talk about it and the fallout of it on her life in part 4. :raritydespair:

Before I read this, what is the Dark tag for ?
And how bad does it get ?

Demonic forces invading Equestria in the prolouge, all out war against said forces, and the main character can be kind of a sarcastic ass sometimes.

It took me a lot longer to read this than I meant to. You know I love the story; I've been stalking Zaron on this comic post upon which this is based probably since it started. Definitely keep writing! There are things that kind of repeat, or are a little over-explained. Writing better takes time, and it also is vital to have a proof-reader. They catch all kinds of things that you'll miss.

Write on! :pinkiehappy:

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