• Published 25th Feb 2017
  • 277 Views, 5 Comments

Lonely Hooves - Mist_Chaser

Nopony knows who he is or where he came from, Not even he himself could give any expaination... All they did know is that he needed help...

  • ...

Wanderer (Part 3)

Wanderer (Part 3: Silly Names and Girly Nouns.)

"Now come on! I'll give ya th' GRAND TOUR!"

Derpy happily trotted along in front of her new friend speaking in a friendly matter-of-fact tone as they crossed the stream. "This is a bridge!" she said informatively . "I know what a bridge is... Give me some credit." he retorted playfully at how serious she was taking her role. "Dude, you forgot your own species..." she reminded him teasingly, causing him to remain silent for a moment before responding. "Fair enough..." he admitted.

Derpy decided to continue as they left the bridge and entered the busy town market which at the moment seemed crowded to capacity with what seemed to be ponies of every type and color of the rainbow. "Comin' into town we have the markets and Inns and such. Things are pretty busy right now, but It's Usually pretty chill." she explained. "Why all the hubbub then?" he wondered to why today would be so active if things weren't usually like this. "Oh, we got some royal guard around. Guess that'll happen when we have a couple a' princess' hole up with a bunch of old books..." she explained. "Hm..." he said as he said, noticing his reflection in a window of a building. for some reason he felt odd looking at it. "Wazzup?" Derpy asked seeing something was obviously bothering him. "Huh? Oh, nothing. Just... have this weird urge to break into song right now..." he admitted with a look of extreme discomfort from the weird thought. Derpy seemed to look somewhat amused "Yeah, that happens 'round here I guess..." she couldn't help but avoid his eyes as she told him. "I..., SERIOUSLY?!!!" he didn't seem to know what was stranger, the urge he was having, or hearing it was natural. "Sure dude! Ponies, like, do it like all the time. but for the sake of time, what's on your mind?... And in summery, not symphony..."

He sighed looking at the ground trying to put his feelings into words the best he could. "I... I guess I'm sort of dumbstruck by everything... I'm lost, clueless, Don't even have a name... And that's pretty scary right?..." he paused for a moment to look her in the eye. "So, why am I okay with it?..." She simply smiled and giggled. "Well speakin' from a-sperience, overworkn' a scrambled noggin ain't any good... Ya just gotta rest your head and ol' Derpy has just the thing!" She then ushered him over to a nearby stall and slammed her hoof on the counter, yelling with a crazed look on her face that made him cower in fear just from seeing. "YO, APPLE QUEEN! AH NEED THE JUICE!!!" at this, the orange mare behind the counter, with a straw colored mane and was wearing a Stetson hat, who had her back turned and seemed to have been tending to her inventory, simply glanced at the counter seeming amused by Derpy's antics. "Oh hey there Derpy, whos the fella?" the Stetson pony greeted. "Oh, just some poor lost soul I picked up outside a' town." she responded cheerfully before returning to the explanation of her visit. "Anyway, I bet he don't even remember the last time he ate..." she said. "I don't remember anything..." he corrected. "See what I mean?" Derpy giggled. "Uh, huh." the Stetson pony said with a somewhat understanding if not amused look. "So what's on the me menu today?" asked Derpy looking at the selection of goods on the shelves behind the counter. "Plenty an' don't you doubt it!" said the mare behind the counter as she went into sales mode. "Got a couple a Granny's fresh baked apple pies even, and you know how those tend to go!" Derpy held out her hoof that seemed to be somehow holding a couple gold coins. the crazy look from before had returned. "HOOOOOH! TAKE MAH MONEH!" She said weirdly before tossing them on the counter while immaturely adding a fwooshing sound for some strange reason. needless to say that her amnesiac friend felt very embarrassed to know her at this moment.

The vendor looked at the bits and then at Derpy nervously. "Ah, Um... Ah appreciate the thought Sugarcube, but ya know yer' tender's no good 'round here. Don't feel right, what with you helpin' 'round the farm since the, uh... 'Incident'..." Derpy immediately slammed her hooves on the counter seeming to become strangely defensive all of a sudden. "THAT STORM WASN'T MY FAULT!!!... An' neither were the boulders!... or the elephants..." she then noticed that her amnesiac friend was staring warily at her as if trying to piece together how a storm, boulders, and elephants could possibly equal getting free food. she looked away embarrassed by the stare. "It was a weird day at the post office..." she explained quietly while unable to look him in the eye. "Point is, I can pay jus' like anypony else..." she said timidly to the vendor. "Fine, fine..." the vendor said rolling her eyes from the drama. "Tell ya what, Derpy. If'n yer so bent on payin' somehow, how 'bout you help Big Mac fix up the fence?" she offered trying her best to work something reasonable to her friend. "Y'mean the one that was trampled by the elephants?" derpy asked seeming to know exactly what fence was being discussed. "Said yourself, twasn't yer fault..." retorted the vendor pushing a tray with two pies and two apple juices temptingly in front of Derpy. the grey Pegasus just stared at the pie silently for a second and contemplated it before responding in a somewhat defeated tone. "Sure, fine... Ill' be there tomorrow mornin'..." she picked up the tray with her teeth and rather aggressively dragged the stallion next to her away from the apple stand with her hoof. "C'mon Space Case..." the vendor merely watched them walk away and couldn't help but chuckle inwardly at her friend's erratic behavior. "Criminy. What are we gonna to do with her?" she spoke to herself silently.

Derpy slammed the tray down on one of the nearby tables that had been set up as little place for market-goers to eat at, still looking a little peeved and emotional. "Um, you okay?" he asked her. "I'm FINE..." she replied sternly before turning away. "Other ponies jus like to remind me I'm a bit ACCIDENT PRONE... Except, you know, some of them don't so much think of them as accidents..." she shook as she explained and desperately tried to contain the burning rage she was feeling. "I see." he responded flatly not really feeling comfortable seeing her like this. She then turned to look at him as she continued to vent her frustration in a much softer tone now. "I'm not so different from anypony else, but sometimes..." She then went silent seeming on the verge of tears. for some reason looking at her made him feel a sudden chill and what scared him is that he could swear it was as if he were being almost suffocated by the darkness and despair he could feel from her. Then the strangeness started as he heard mocking voices in his head as if her darkness from her had stirred them into being. ~You'll never fit in...~ one mocked. ~WHAT A LOSER!~ said a female one. ~What's with this guy?~ asked another. ~Were very worried about you.~ another admitted sternly. ~FREAK!~ called another. needless to say these voices were very alarming for him and he immediately grew concerned that he might be going crazy from their presence. He cleared his throat looking at Derpy and tried to ignore them. "So, um... You were telling me what's going on around here?" he said before taking a sip of his apple juice trying to change the subject from what was obviously very depressing for her. "Huh, O-oh, yeah of course!" she couldn't help but blush in embarrassment of how sidetracked she had gotten and was actually relieved to change the subject to something other than personal problems. almost immediately It was like a switch had been flipped, with her own dark mood gone the voices in his head seemed to vanish completely. he couldn't help but give a mental sigh of relief as his head felt much more comfortable without them.

"Th' town's all aflutter ever since princess Luna arrived!" Derpy explained. "Who's that?" the stallion asked in confused tone. "The mare that raises the moon at night? guardian slash freaky walker of ponies dreams?" Derpy responded quizzically hoping the description of a princess and her abilities would hopefully jog his memory at least a little. "That all sounds super comforting." he said not sounding in the least comforted by the thought of some pony walking into his dreams. "Anyway..." she continued. "The Royal Guard's been all over Ponyville ever since, And Luna's been holed up with Princess Twilight, but nopony knows why. The only thing going around is that somepony heard something about a 'disturbance.'" Derpy took a sip of her drink before continuing. "Been good for the shops, though! That's why they have this setup for the food sellin's." He looked at Derpy skeptically as he summed up what she was telling him. "So, what, you've got royalty hiding from some sort of bad vibe?" he asked. before she could respond, a very cheerful voice spoke up beside him. "Oh, They're probably digging through dirty old books and stuff..." the voice startled him but it was the fact the owner of the voice was now sitting next to him in a spot that had been empty only a second before he heard her and had managed to appear without him noticing her was enough to cause him to fall backward onto the ground in fright.

The mare was pink, had extremely blue eyes, and was extremely poofy. That was the best way to describe her, that and something about her eyes seemed more expressive than other ponies he had seen so far. she simply sipped her own juice as she looked down at him. "Hehe, this guys funny!" she said happily. "Can I help you?" He asked darkly as climbed back up to the table, trying to contain the deep feelings of rage he was feeling for the throbbing bump on his head. " dunno, am I in trouble?" the pink pony asked honestly not knowing. Derpy decided this was a good time to lighten the mood with an introduction. "Ah, um... This is Pink-" However before she could finish, the pink pony interrupted by beginning to jabber her own introduction with a big smile on her face. "Hi!Myname'sPinkiePie!Inoticedyournewintown,'causIalwaysknowalloftheponiesthatcomeintotownbutIdon'tknowyou,andI'dneverever everforgetanypony!" He didn't know how it was possible for somepony to speak that fast, He was able to make out that her name was pinkie pie, and that she noticed he was new, and that she didn't know him, but the rest was too much a blur of words. his only thoughts he could muster after her Introduction were two simple words. "Oh boy..." Derpy could see her friends distress and took Pinkie's shoulder and spoke calmly in her ear. "H-hey Pinkie? maybe slow down a little, He hit his head or somethin'. He cant remember a thing..." Pinky let out an "Oooooohhhhhh." in confirmation of understanding. Pinkie grabbed a piece of pie on the table and tried a new topic to win him over. "So what brings you into town?" she asked happily before eating the slice of pie whole. he couldn't help but glare at her. "She just said I cant even-" she immediately giggled, cutting him off. "Just kidding, that's not important at all!" she then ate another slice that she had grabbed and seemed to somehow close whatever distance was between them to the point they were cheek to cheek "But what is important is your here now! and that's a NEW THING." Somehow her hoof was now around him in a buddy-buddy fashion that he hadn't even noticed till she finished talking. he was about to protest but she interrupted his train of thought by starting again. "AND NEW THINGS CALL FOR A PARTY!!!" He shook his head trying to protest. "I don't thin-" he was interrupted as he lost all air in his lungs as he was squeezed in a one forlegged hug from her. Somehow she had grabbed Derpy from the other side of the table with her other foreleg and was receiving the same oxygen depriving treatment. any protests for mercy were now falling on deaf ears now that Pinkie Pie was in party planning mode. "OOOOOO, IT'LL BE SO MUCH FUN! THERE'LL BE BALLOONS AND MUSIC AND SNACKS AND WE'LL ALL CELEBRATE THE ARRIVAL OF, UH... um..." She let go of Derpy and pulled his face to hers so they were now nose to nose. a panic was currently in her eyes as she realized a major party crisis had arisen. "WHAT DO WE CALL YOU?!" the pink mare demanded. "Please let go of my face..." he whimpered in response.

"Hey now, what's all the hollerin' over?" asked the apple vendor as she wandered over to see what could possibly have upset Pinkie Pie this time. "APPLE JACK! THE NEW PONY DOESN'T KNOW HIS OWN NAME! WHAT'RE WE GONNA DO, WE CAN'T JUST GO AROUND CALLING HIM 'NEW PONY' ALL THE TIME!!!" Apple Jack smiled softly. "Now calm on down, Pinkie Pie. You can always get some idea from--" her face faltered as she looked in the stallions direction and realized a detail about him that not only destroyed her plan but as far as she had always been aware had been completely impossible. "Oh..." she stated looking somewhat nervous and freaked out for some reason. "Oh mah..." she stated even further as Pinkie let out a dramatic gasp as she noticed as well. "Okay, why is everybody staring at my butt?" he asked as he turned to face them, as the attention was making him really uncomfortable. "Well I'll be. he's a..." Apple Jack began "HE'S A BLANK FLANK!!!" Pinkie interrupted happily. Apple Jack sighed as she mused at a thought that struck her funny. She knew a few little fillies that would feel a lot better if they saw this. "I'm a what?" he asked obviously confused by the term. Derpy moved over to see the detail she had missed as well. "You... You ain't got no cute mark..." she said in an obviously distressed tone. He blinked still trying to process her answer "Okay, like, one. That is the single girliest noun I have ever heard... Probably I mean..." he began, uncertain if he had ever heard anything girlier before his memory loss. "And two. What does that even mean?" Applejack decided to step in and explain though she seemed to be looking at him rather sadly, her jaw quivered as she spoke to him. "A cutie mark is like... Well the simplest way t' put it is that it represents a pony's own unique special talent, but also... It Kinda says who ya are. It's part of a ponies identity!" she took a deep breath before continuing. she could see from his face what she was about to say was sinking in but the next part had to be said. "Mister, ah dunno what happened, but somethin's done and jumbled ya up good, Not one part of you's sure who you are..."

"So, I'm some sort of total weirdo.. Is that what your saying?." he asked darkly as he absorbed this new information. "That aint' what I'm saying at all!" Apple Jack said defensively. "It is totally weird though!" Pinkie happily chimed in. Apple Jack couldn't help but glare at Pinkie who simply smiled back, oblivious to the hostility. Derpy could tell this subject was not helping her friend simply by looking at him so she decided to try help getting back to a subject that might actually help him. "So, uh..." she started. "NAMES! We were talkin' about names!" Apple Jack quickly caught on. "Uh, right! But what do we call somepony what meandered into town alone without a memory in his skull?" the second Apple Jack asked this Pinkie seemed to become more excited, her hair poofed up even more for some reason as well. "OOO" she exclaimed, obviously inspired by AJ's question. She fell to her back and started waving her hoof in the air, obviously wanting to be called on with her idea. "OOOOOOOOOO,OOOOOOOOOO,OOOOOOOO!!!" AJ simply smirked, amused by her friends foalish behavior. "Gee, yall' call it wild speculatin', but I think Pinkie has an idea..." she stated teasingly

Pinkie sat up on her haunches, a look of utmost seriousness in her squinting eyes that was mirrored by her voice as she spoke to her friends in a most dramatic fashion she could muster "Tales of terror!!! The arrival of a mare of great import sets the Ponyville Rumor mill into an out of control spin! Nopony truly knows what to make of her appearance! Certainly something of grave is on the horizon! Is it a Timberwolf invasion? The return of an ancient evil? Or woe of all woes, could the bakery be out of muffins?" Derpy couldn't help but whimper and feel faint at this very terrible thought of a muffinless Ponyville. However Pinky was on a roll and continued her little drama tale. "As the sun rises over this town that's spiraling into Chaos, A lone desperado appears from the morning mists..." at the mention of the word desperado, a brow arched on the grey stallion's face. he didn't see how he would possibly qualify in Pinkie's mind for the term of a desperate or reckless individual and wondered if she even knew what the word meant. needless to say, Pinkie continued her dramatic rant without pausing. "Nopony knows where he came from. Nopony needs to know. His dark history is his own!" He looked to Apple Jack next to him and whispered as he was getting a little creeped out by Pinkies game. "Dark history?" he questioned. "Ah think this might be gettin' outa hoof..." she responded honestly. regardless the pink mare would not allow herself to be stopped by simple interruptions, the gleam in her eye was proof enough of this. "Ponyville doesn't know it yet, but its savior just walked in from the woods! By his works shall evil learn the meaning of fear and find itself vanquished! For he is... LONELY HHOOVES!!!" The grey stallion tried to contain himself, but sadly that is an impossible feat when dealing with Pinkie Pie. "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU BLATHERING ABOUT?" he growled in obvious frustration of the stupidity of the name she had given him. Apple Jack also had a question for pinkie, though she was unhappy with the mare for a different reason. "Pinkie, have you been gettin' into m' western tales again?" she asked accusingly.

Before either question could be answered Brash laughter could be heard above them that immediately caused Derpy to really feel ill and want to be anywhere but there at that very moment. "PFFFFFT... HAHAHAHA!!!"

(Wanderer chapters to be concluded next time in part 4!)

Author's Note:

Well I was sick all last week but Im feeling better now. I hope you enjoyed part 3. After the wanderer stuff, maybe I'll start revealing Our hero's past a little and even further down the line reveal the reasons he forgot it in the first place.
(still looking for proof readers and editors by the way...)

Comments ( 5 )

Hi there! I read your story (so far) and I have a few critiques for you. :scootangel: That's not to say it's all bad. The amnesiac former-something-else in Equestria plot is one of my guilty pleasures, so I have no issue with the concept, and some of your ideas are amusing, like the notion that ponies do actually randomly break out into musical numbers (one of my headcanons!) or Derpy having a pet rock :)

Anyway, I'll go through what I feel are some of the issues with this fic.

Walls of text

This one's the main issue: You must start a new paragraph when a new character is speaking. If you don't, the dialogue gets swallowed up into a big wall of text and it's very difficult for a reader to follow the conversation. Walls of text are the biggest put-off for many readers.


"Let's start simple! You dunno your name, but do you know where you are?" he gave a blank look for a second. "Horse Land?" he asked hopefully. "Equestria actually!" She corrected cheerfully. "Or, more Specifically, PONYVILLE!"

With paragraph breaks:

"Let's start simple! You dunno your name, but do you know where you are?"

He gave a blank look for a second. "Horse Land?" he asked hopefully.

"Equestria actually!" she corrected cheerfully. "Or, more specifically, PONYVILLE!"

Too many chapters

Breaking up your chapter 1 into 4 parts doesn't make a whole lot of sense. They are essentially all the same "scene" and so should all be the same chapter. Breaking them up interrupts the flow of the scene for the reader.

Chapter titles

Wanderer (part 1: Meeting Equestria is Easier With an Empty Head!)

Your chapters titles are fine; in fact, if you are going to break up your first chapter, you should actually make these the official Fimfiction chapter titles, rather than just including them at the top of each chapter. It helps to establish the tone of each chapter, which at least gives the reader some contextual help.

To be continued

The "(To be continued)" endings are unnecessary. Stories aren't TV shows; the reader knows that the story isn't going to end just because the chapter has ended.

Author notes

Note from the author:Italic writing is introduction Thank you!

Avoid leaving notes like these in the story. The reader doesn't need them, and it only serves to take the reader out of the story.

Stage directions

(after a minute of letting him calm down)

This kind of action belongs in a screenplay or script, but not a story. If you need to show the passage of time, simply describe it; eg: "After a minute of panicking, he managed to calm himself down."

Derpy's character

This isn't necessarily a criticism, since as an author you have free rein over how you portray a character. But, Derpy feels way out of character here; she seems more like a male college student than the bubbly mare we know from the show. (I can't see her ever using the words "bummer" or "chill", for example). In fact, her lines would actually be perfect for Vinyl Scratch, who does have this kind of personality.

Hope this helps. Keep at it! :raritywink:

I know it has issues, most of which can be fixed with an editor. I will most likely have these fixed and the whole thing will be combined into a single chapter later once I find one willing to keep the character dialogue the same. (I have my reasons for this, trust me.) :scootangel:

the number of chapters is normally due to me just submitting what I have done after a major writing session starting normally on weekends around midnight. :ajsleepy:
and as for Derpy, well I can assure you she has her reasons for not acting fully like herself at the moment, mainly because of the "incident" mentioned in part three and I plan to talk about it and the fallout of it on her life in part 4. :raritydespair:

Before I read this, what is the Dark tag for ?
And how bad does it get ?

Demonic forces invading Equestria in the prolouge, all out war against said forces, and the main character can be kind of a sarcastic ass sometimes.

It took me a lot longer to read this than I meant to. You know I love the story; I've been stalking Zaron on this comic post upon which this is based probably since it started. Definitely keep writing! There are things that kind of repeat, or are a little over-explained. Writing better takes time, and it also is vital to have a proof-reader. They catch all kinds of things that you'll miss.

Write on! :pinkiehappy:

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