A bit of Rose

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MrSegasilver

MrSegasilver #1 · Feb 18th, 2017 · 1 · ·

Well, it was alright but could certainly use a lot of work. First of all, there is a near constant stream of misspelled, misused words that totally ruin any immersion you managed to create. Secondly, what in the world is this about:

With a sniffle and a nod he felt her mount him and wrap her limbs around his barrel and belly. Her body pressed tightly to his and he felt her tail wrap around his, sending a shiver through him.
She chuckled again. “Here we go, cutie.”
In a breathy voice, Bit whispered to Rose. “Happy two month anniversary, my little bat pony.”
She turned her muzzle back and kissed him as he pressed the flare of his cock against her wet, white coat, searching for the opening into her body.
A giggling child galloped nearby the bushes they were in, stopping them.

You skip right into a whole different story with no warning or anything. One moment she's carrying him away, and the next they're having sex in a bush. What happened? It was very confusing and really pulled me out of the story.

All in all, readable, but not great. I highly recommend you get someone to proofread any future stories you write to check for things such as these. Just practice more, and you'll get better.

Mocha Star

Mocha Star #2 · Feb 18th, 2017 · · ·

7958277
Oh shit,I posted the rough draft!
Thanks, I've gotta fix that asap...
I owe you one.

Dying of embarrassment...

LILDASHIEGRINGO

LILDASHIEGRINGO #3 · Feb 18th, 2017 · · ·

Well, I guess I should wait before feeling disappointed. Lol, jk

MrSegasilver

MrSegasilver #4 · Feb 21st, 2017 · · ·

7958441
Haha, sorry for being so harsh then! It's much better now, very good work ^^

Mocha Star

Mocha Star #5 · Feb 21st, 2017 · · ·

7964923
Thanks, I didn't find the final version so I had to write what I remembered and edit it in.

Gotta do a final rewrite again and have it proof read, again.

All because I got ahead of myself in Gdocs.

Let that be a lesson and don't delete old versions!

Gentlehoof

Gentlehoof #6 · Mar 10th, 2017 · · ·

Bit took to the air and looked below him to a small alley where two stallions had a mare pressed between them.

-This is where you put his evaluation and deduction of what he is seeing there in the alley, otherwise he is attacking ponies for no apparent reason. You need to add his reasons.

Bits next dive was aimed at the first stallion again, only to be blasted in the right wing

-Blasted with what? A gun? A lightning bolt? Magic? You need to add what he is being blasted with.

Bit fell into the first stallion and heard snap before the pain of a broken with shit through his back.

-I assume its "broken wing shot through.

“Th-thank you,” the mare said softly as she entered his blurred vision.

-This is the part where you describe what she looks like and what his thoughts about her might be. Is she young, old? Pretty, ugly?

It was a beautiful and warm morning when Rose and Bit were in the park, her pregnant with their first foal.

-warm morning when Rose and Bit walked together in the park. Rose's pregnant belly was large with their first foal.

A giggling child galloped nearby the bushes they were in

-near

letting out done of his hot seed inside of her waiting, willing womb

-jets, spurts, surges. Take your pick or find something better than done.-Waiting, and willing wombs usually describe a womb that is not currently filled with a foal.

He shuddered as she let get tongue glide back down

-she let her tongue

Chills went through his body as his urge To flee kicked in,

- lower case "to"

His hind brain

- hind brain? Perhaps you mean the primitive part of his brain. A hind brain is the lower part of the brainstem, comprising the cerebellum, pons, and medulla oblongata.
There is no way he can have that many orgasms that quickly.

Mocha Star