• Member Since 25th May, 2013
  • offline last seen 6 hours ago

Grenazers


T

It's early in morning at Sweet Apple Acres. The sun is rising , the birds are singing and Rainbow Dash is sleeping in Big Macintosh's bed and wait what?!

When Applejack discovers her friend sleeping in her brother's bed, Rainbow Dash has got a lot of explaining to do.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 9 )

It's a nice little story. Nothing much else to say.

cute story found this for you “Why do you love me my brother?” [ ???]

Sometimes it's just really good to read a slice of life and this is an amazing example

“OK, but what about ponies that are like you. Like that Soarin fellow.” Applejack brought up.

“Soarin’s fine, but I mostly seem him as friend and teammate.” Rainbow explained. “Besides, he already has sight out for somepony. An honest mare if I heard correctly.”

“Well that mare sure is lucky to have a fine stallion like him pining for her.”

“You have no idea.” Rainbow smirked.

An honest mare huh? Gee, I wonder who that could be?:trixieshiftright::rainbowlaugh:

I really enjoyed this story. Short and swwt, love the SoarinJack in there. Keep up the good work

Had a real unlucky day today and after this, I can say it was really lucky that the Macindash category got a new story in it, great read, made my day, go you!

“Soarin’s fine, but I mostly seem him as friend and teammate.” Rainbow explained. “Besides, he already has sight out for somepony. An honest mare if I heard correctly.”
“Well that mare sure is lucky to have a fine stallion like him pining for her.”
“You have no idea.” Rainbow smirked.

And who are you suggesting? Really, I don't see anything between the lines. Unless you've written a SoarinJack story I'm unfamiliar with.

Dreadnought

Cute, but too much tense confusion. For example:

Big Macintosh then walks over to Rainbow and gave her a quick peck on the cheek. “Good morning, Dashie.” He whispered as he walks off.

Walks, gave, whispered, walks. One paragraph, and we've got both present and past tense. It should look like one of the following:

All present tense:

Big Macintosh then walks over to Rainbow and gives her a quick peck on the cheek. “Good morning, Dashie,” he whispers as he walks off.

All past tense:

Big Macintosh then walked over to Rainbow and gave her a quick peck on the cheek. “Good morning, Dashie,” he whispered as he walked off.

And of the two, I'd personally recommend the latter as more standard for easily readable fiction.

Cute story, but as I have seen in the comments, it needs a fair amount of editing to polish it up.

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