• Member Since 27th Jan, 2015
  • offline last seen 14 hours ago

No Raisin


"Gotta have a little sadness once in a while, so you know when the good times come. I'm waiting on the good times now." - Bob Ross

T
Source

Vinyl Scratch has been trying to get Octavia's attention for a while now. It's hard to get your feelings across sometimes when you're a deaf mute, and the cellist has been either ignoring or misinterpreting Vinyl's signals up until now.

But not today!

Rated Teen for mild language and foreplay.

Cover art by TheParagon.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 13 )

Nicely done. Little tip for readability: Thoughts are dialog. And dialog should preferably be separated into different paragraphs if it's coming from two different parties. Also, character actions should be separated as well. Like so:

Using both her hooves, Vinyl drew a heart around her upper body. At that moment, Pinkie's eyes shot wide open and her pupils shrunk to the size of peas. "It's a lovey-dovey problem—?!" Not so loud, Pinkie! I can't hear you, but they can! Vinyl winced and made a cutting motion across her neck, and thankfully Pinkie got the idea fast enough. She then whispered, "S-sorry." The pink pony lurched forward in her chair and spoke again in a hushed tone. "It's a lovey-dovey problem?"

Using both her hooves, Vinyl drew a heart around her upper body.

At that moment, Pinkie's eyes shot wide open and her pupils shrunk to the size of peas. "It's a lovey-dovey problem—?!"

Not so loud, Pinkie! I can't hear you, but they can! Vinyl winced and made a cutting motion across her neck, and thankfully Pinkie got the idea fast enough.

She then whispered, "S-sorry." The pink pony lurched forward in her chair and spoke again in a hushed tone. "It's a lovey-dovey problem?"

It just makes it easier to track who is doing what and saying what.

Just a suggestion. But the story itself was very well done. Bravo.

7978075 I'll see if I can make the edits here, but at the very least I'll keep this in mind for future efforts. :pinkiehappy:

Also, it's humbling to get feedback from the Steel Resolve. :rainbowwild:

7978135 Eheh. :twilightblush: Seriously though, you're doing very well. Oh, and one other little tidbit, purely stylistic: Lavender unicorn syndrome. Avoid it.

:twilightsmile: Lecture time!

She then whispered, "S-sorry." The pink pony lurched forward in her chair and spoke again in a hushed tone. "It's a lovey-dovey problem?"

She Pinkie then whispered, "S-sorry," The pink ponyshe lurched forward in her chair and spoke again in a hushed tone. "It's a lovey-dovey problem?"

In any case where you're using an identifier like this, 99.9% of the time you're better off using the name or he/she instead. I know why you do it, it's the same reason I did. Believe me when I say it's better to be repetitive with the names instead of using workarounds like this. You had 23 instances of the cellist (fun fact, the prevailing opinion is that Octi actually plays a Double Bass). We all know Octavia, we know what she does. More importantly, Vinyl knows what she does. Think about anyone you know in real life. Would you think of them as 'the fry cook' or 'the waitress'?

[/lecture]

Keep it up! These are, again, stylistic options to help you get your story looking better to more people. But you already know how to tell one, which is more than most can say.

So sweet romantic and sexy.

Absolutely adorable. I loved every single second it.:yay:

I have one word: CUTE!! :heart: :heart:

Call me dumb but I don´t entirely rap my head around Vinyl being deaf, it seems that sometimes in the story she can understand speech from both Pinkie and Octavia while she says that she wants to hear Octavias voice. All in all, it is a really cute story with a lot of feeling and I like the more physical approach to showing affection.

8021558 There's a throwaway line early on that says how Vinyl is good at reading lips. To be honest it was a cop-out, but it served its purpose. I hope to return to the "deaf mute" characterization of her, but hopefully go all the way with it next time. :twilightsheepish:

8021734 Ah, that explains it and fair enough I guess. I love the concept of a mute Vinyl , her needing to express herself in a more visual way, but still a little bit sketchy about her being deaf. In my opinion it just makes it harder to write her in a more (I use the term loosely) "realistic/conceivable" way but hey, you managed to work around it so i´m sure you can make it believable somehow. Either way, loving your stuff and I can´t wait for more in the future!


Dies ist einer der besten octascratch Fics, die ich je gelesen habe 10 von 10

It's nice to see Pinkie actually being helpful and caring. She's portrayed as a nuisance way to many times for my tastes. So yeah - thank you for that.
The story was a cute, fluffy tale, an entertaining one.

8021734
Before I begin; Mute Vinyl makes sense. Deaf Vinyl does not.

"Where is that blasted mare? Vinyl? Lady Vinyl Scratch?"

Octavia and Vinyl have been living in close contact for some time and she still verbally calls out for her, knowing she can't respond.

The concept of a deaf DJ is... Slightly stupid. You need to be able to hear. You need to hear your cue for a song transition, you need to be able to hear that the keys are correct... A lot of it is auditory. Literally the only thing you'd be able to do as a deaf would be keep time since you could feel the drumkit vibration.

I've gotta be honest, it was a little awkward and kludgy and I just kinda skimmed through about half of it.

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