Chapter One
CHAPTER ONE
Closing her eyes, Rainbow Dash dove off the cliff, head first, and raced toward the ground below. She felt the wind whipping through her mane, and ruffling the feathers on her folded wings. She stretched her forelegs out in front of her, propelling her downward ever faster. She could feel it approach, the immovable mass below, but instead of fearing it, she embraced it, and taking a deep breath, her wings erupted from her side and caught the air. Twilight had taught her, in one of her many boring lectures, that every action had an equal and opposite reaction, and this was no different: the resulting air canopy under her wings launched her back into the sky. As she felt the wind shift direction, she opened her eyes and looked downward. Doing a quick calculation, she realized that had she waited three more seconds, she would have made an impact into the 'much less yielding than it looked' grassy field below. The thrill of it all coursed through her veins like a fiery liquid, better than any cider could ever accomplish.
Reaching a comfortable altitude, she leveled off and stared out over the countryside. In the distance, she could see Canterlot, shrouded in a haze, on the now dusk covered side of the mountain. Of course, looking a little closer to where she was lay Ponyville, spread out below, peaceful and quiet, the evening sun casting shadows from the town hall spire. She banked sharply to her left, toward the sleepy village, feeling the wind change pressure underneath her, eliciting a sensation of calm from deep within her.
As she passed over the center of town, she saw below the various ponies milling about, going about their business to and fro, engaged in conversations with the myriad buyers and sellers of the marketplace. Looking toward one particular stall, she noticed an orange pony with blonde hair, atop which sat a stetson hat, the mare selling the fruits of her family's hard work.
Dash's gaze lingered on the farm raised beauty for a moment longer than she should have, and before she knew it she glanced forward and had to flap hard to avoid slamming into the town hall that was coming up hard and fast. Straining her flight muscles and shoving air underneath her wings once more, she managed to miss the side of the building by mere centimeters. Dash wiped her brow in relief, and pushed higher into the air, until Ponyville looked like a peaceful matte painting. She did a few backflips and barrel rolls to shake off the tension, which had less to do with nearly hitting a building than it did something else also weighing on her mind.
Now, away from potentially painful and crash prone obstacles, Dash let her thoughts linger on what she felt had to be a mere crush on Applejack. It is just a crush, isn't it?, she thought to herself.
She had posed that question to her subconscious a hundred times, and each time she received nothing but silence in return.
She had never taken herself for anything other than who she was. Dash knew she liked mares, and she knew she liked stallions, too. She didn't see any need to separate their genders, because to her, a pony to be loved was a pony to be loved, and that's all that really mattered in the grand scheme of things. Pulling herself from her own thought processes, she banked lightly to the east, and made her way toward her palatial cloud home, landing gently upon the doorstep. Stepping inside, she made her way to her washroom and looked at herself in the mirror.
Her mane was mussed and frayed, her cyan coat dusty from the trip through town, and in her rosemary eyes she could see the conflict eating away at her, knowing how she felt about Applejack, and wondering if the honest workhorse might have the same feelings for her. After a moment of reflection, she suddenly grew tired. She sauntered into her bedroom, and tossing aside the covers, fell onto her bed and in moments was sound sleep.
***
“Thank ye kindly, an' come again!” Applejack shouted to her last customer of the day. She sighed to herself and looked at the empty baskets which once held a full day's harvest of Apple family pride and joy.
“It's been a good day”, she said quietly to herself. While she wouldn't admit it to anypony else, Applejack had been worried for the past few months that the Apple family finances were getting too big for their britches, and that she was going to have to start relying more on Big Macintosh's fancy mathematics to get them out of the pickle barrel and back onto firm soil. Whoa, there, Nellie, Applejack mentally chided herself, this was jus' one day. I don't want ta buck mah apples a'fore they're ripe. Still, if today's sales were any indication, the road ahead looked better and better.
As she loaded the last couple of baskets into the cart, she saw a shadow out of the corner of her eye. Looking around, and seeing nothing but a few market ponies milling about and putting away their stands, she glanced skyward and saw a fading rainbow trail heading in the direction of Ponyville's city limits. Hmm, where in tarnation does that silly filly think she's a headin'? Always got ta' be impressin' somepony, I guess.
And with that, Applejack hitched herself to her cart, and started making her way home. Along the way, she noticed the Cutie Mark Crusaders as they were leaving Carousel Boutique, her friend Rarity's fashion business. They appeared to be covered in layers of makeup and wearing the kind of hats made for the high society ponies in Canterlot. I never was one for fancy clothin' and frilly necklaces, or frou-frou perfumes, she thought to herself, as Rarity burst through the door, yelling epithets toward Sweetie Belle and her crusading cohorts. Seeing the normally genteel and feminine mare in such a tizzy caused Applejack to let out a chuckle.
It did not go unnoticed.
“Applejaaaaack!”, Rarity said in her best sing-song whine, “don't encourage them! It's not funny. Especially when they turn my beautiful, elegant boutique into a den of pillaged chaos!”. This last sentence was directed at the backsides of three small filly silhouettes hurriedly hoofing it over the horizon.
Applejack had the good sense to appear apologetic, “Mah apologies, Rarity. Ah just think those fillies look up to ya so much that they jus' can't help gettin' inta all kinds ah trouble.”
At that, Rarity's features lightened, and she smiled just a little. She replied, thoughtful. “You're right Applejack. I realize Sweetie Belle simply wants to be like me, and while I find that flattering in it's own right, I just wish she would try to emulate me in ways that don't destroy rare and precious materials. Still, I apologize to you as well, you were merely seeing them for what they were; sweet little foals who like to have fun. Dear Celestia, I can be such a grump sometimes.”
Applejack waved a hoof, “Don't you worry about it none, Rarity. An' don't go thinkin' ah don't 'xpect those gals to be actin' all sweet and innocent all the time. Ah know full well they can be full ah horseapples.”
At that, Rarity blushed and whispered, “Applejack! Language!”, before starting to giggle into her hoof, looking toward the direction the fillies had ran. After a moment, she cleared her throat and turned her attention back to Applejack. “So, Applejack, is there anything I can help you with today? Any bold, flattering new designs you would like to browse in my shop?”
Applejack snorted, “No offense, Rarity, but ya'll know I don't go for that frou frou kinda stuff. I mean, ya'lls designs are meant for fancy-schmancy ponies, not hard workin' farm ponies.”
At that, Rarity seemed deep in thought. She perked up for a moment and suddenly said aloud, “IDEAAAAAAA!”. By which she hurriedly turned around and started heading back into her shop, saying behind her, “I'm sorry for ending our conversation so soon, Applejack, but I've just had the loveliest idea, and I want to see if the mechanics of my furtive mind will burst forth fruit into something most wondrous!”. And with that, she was gone.
Applejack looked at the dust cloud that remained from her dear friend's hasty retreat, and gave another chuckle. She continued to head homeward, pulling the humble cart along behind her.
***
“You know, maybe that wasn't such a good idea”, Scootaloo lamented as she sponged herself clean of the caked on makeup.
Applebloom mumbled a “yeah, no kidding” as she looked at the glaze of hoof polish all over her forehooves.
Sweetie Belle, who had managed to clean herself of the gunk before the others, simply shrugged sadly. “I'm sorry, Crusaders, I was sure we'd get our cutie marks for being elite pony gentlemares.”
Applebloom put an absurdly red hoof on Sweetie Belle's shoulder. “Aw, don' worry about it none, Sweetie Belle, you was jus' doin' your best. It's jus' important that we keep tryin'. An' really, we wouldna wanted to be no high falootin' fancy ponies anyway... uh, 'xcept for your sister Rarity, ah course.”
Sweetie Belle smiled and gave her best friend a hug, while Scootaloo looked on, making gagging sounds and sticking her hoof in her mouth. It had started to rain, the pitter patter of raindrops bouncing off the wood slatted roof of the Crusaders club house, filling in the silence as the fillies cleaned the last reminders of their woe begotten previous adventure.
“So what do you think we should do now?” Scootaloo sighed, “because I'm bored!” The three fillies sat quietly, their brains churning ideas, as turbulent as the winds outside were becoming.
“Hay, I've got it!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed.
“No”, both Scootaloo and Applebloom said in unison, with Applebloom following up contritely, “sorry, Sweetie Belle, it's jus' last time didn't work out sa well. Maybe one of us can come up with somethin' this time.”
The three continued in silence, pondering, until Applebloom jumped up, “Ah got it!”.
The other two crusaders waited excitedly, as Applebloom outlined her new idea on how to obtain their cutie marks. By the time she was finished, the other two fillies were filled to the brim with excitement. “So hows' it sound, ya'll?” Applebloom asked with expectation in her voice.
In response, the cutie mark crusaders brought their hooves together and loudly declared, “CUTIE MARK CRUSADER LOVE DOCTORS! YAY!”.
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Good so far
Alright. Let's start with an overall evaluation before breaking this down. As far as writing goes, this is fairly decent. AS far as shipping goes, this is horrible. Whether you extend where you left off or begin later in the timeline, you want to tease us with actual romance(In my opinion, of course). Leaving the first chapter where you know that CMC is gonna do something to affect either one of the shipped ponies is not a great hook. Don't get me wrong though, it is a somewhat unique way to go about the romance and is a much better start than quite a bit of fics out there.
Now for the breakdown. I'll basically point out the good/bad things done but prolly not go into too much detail.
Good
-You spaced out paragraphs. Spacing=good
-Decent balance of tell and show
-Fair amount of dialogue
Bad
-Whenever somepony speaks, you must start a new paragraph. This shows that a different pony is speaking as well as allows descriptions without confusion. Ie. confusion: " Any bold, flattering new designs you would like to browse in my shop?” Applejack snorted, “No offense, Rarity, but .." " Granted, I read this a bit too quickly, but at first it sound like Applejack is offering to have her dresses looked at.
-Thoughts should not be in quotations but italicized instead. Gives a distinction.
-Like I said before, there isn't much of a hook.
-The dialogue of RD needs a little work. Would you ever imagine hearing her say "infatuation"? I would say something more casual/slang-y would be appropriate. Something like "crush" is perfect for her vocabulary.
Tip: Basically for the RD vocab., You don't have to stay canon on such issues. However I would recommend that you stick close to canon because it will be easier for readers to relate to somepony, like RD, when they have the same personality that we know.
Well that is everything off the top of my head. Let me know if anything is confusing. Also, I like the cover art.
864692
Thank you, DoctorOMalley! Normally I'd italicize rather than quote, but I'm so used to reading fanfics in plain text (usually on my Kindle), that I automatically format for that without thinking. LOL
864709
Thanks, will! I hope you'll enjoy it as I post each chapter. I'm hoping to make this story a good one (as opposed to a bad one
).
864725
Awesome! Critique! :D
I will definitely be implementing italics instead of quotations for inner dialogue in future chapters. As I mentioned to DoctorOMalley, I'm so used to typing in plain text that I didn't even consider italicizing. That will change going forward.
Regarding Dash's vocabulary: Yeah, once you said that, I realized "infatuation" is definitely not something Dash would say. Then again, she's smarter than what she lets on, so maybe I'm revealing her markedly higher level of intelligence, and that all this time she's a Rhodes Scholar. Huh? Huh?.
Nah, you're right. When it comes to Dash, I'll just have to emphasize simplicity and shortcuts for how she speaks and thinks. I want my ponies to behave like their canon counterparts, even if this isn't some grand piece of fiction.
There's a lot to take under consideration, and I really appreciate you taking the time to post your thoughts, Zanmatsuken!
AppleDash, yay! Will read later, as it's nearly 3am here.
They already tried that. Remember? Oh well, let's see where this goes.
I can understand why Sweetie Bell was so confused: After all, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon got their Cutie Marks for precisely that!
Love doctors...? Oh no!
"An' don't go thinkin' ah don't 'xpect those gals to be actin' all sweet and innocent all the time. Ah know full well they can be full ah horseapples."
The double negative doesn't really work here. The second don't is what messes it up.
Going to save comments for the end of the fic, but it looks good so far.
I can already tell this will end badly! Everybody wish AJ and RD luck they're gonna get the worst!!
Love Doctors?! Oh no, this won't end well.
Love doctors? If you'll excuse me i will read the rest of this story in my bomb shelter, just to be safe.
...I'm gonna need more Fritos.
*Hinds in military base bomb shelter* I'll be safe here. *Pinkie shows up* Gah!
NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!
7166295 nothing can save you from the CMC, or Pinkie.