My Little Hunters: Friendship is Achieving

by PoH

Chapter 1: Welcome, Hunters

Author's Note:

This is my first fanfic that I'll ever be writing. I hope that I do well! Anyways, I would like constructive criticism or positive comments this is a quick little chapter to test the waters. Your feedback will help me a lot in what direction to head in

Chapter 1: Welcome Hunters

In the Royal Castle of Canterlot

The halls of Canterlot were empty and sunlight entered through the towering windows. The colors are filled with hues of orange, red, and purple signaling the sun's slow dip under the horizon. The dimming light was soon joined by sound of galloping hooves against the spotless floors.

A small amethyst color alicorn with a twinkling star for a cutie mark sped through the halls. Weaving left and right, up and down halls all whilst carrying a satchel over her back. Finally, as she had ran many minutes trying to return from the wizard's tower, she arrived at her desired destination: the throne room. She burst through the door to be met by three more alicorns.

A tall white one with a rainbow colored mane and a sun for a cutie mark, proceeded to ask, "Did you have any trouble finding them?" Twilight had stopped in front of the tall one known as Princess Celestia, currently joined by a pink colored alicorn with a crystal heart for a cutie mark known as Princess Cadence.

"Did our guardsmen assist you as we had hoped?" said the midnight blue alicorn, known as Princess Luna as she began to slowly raise the moon. She turned from the balcony and joined the three alicorns now surrounding a drawn rune on the floor. Twilight spoke.

"Yes," she said between breaths, "they helped like you asked despite having to look low and high for them." She composed herself as and aura glowed around her horn as the bag lids were lifted open by the same aura. White colored gems floated out of the bag and over circular parts surrounding the rune. They began to float on their own.

"Hmm, it seems we have created the rune correctly as the dragon bone paste holds the gems autonomously." Celestia said, examining the gems closely. "Well then, we must begin while the night is young." She proclaimed to the other three.

All three nodded and got on opposite ends of each other and focused to the center of the rune. "Are you three ready?" Twilight asked with a scroll open in front of her. All of them nodded as they began to charge up a predetermined spell towards the center. As they focused, the gibberish on the scroll began to levitate off the parchment and encircled the four alicorns. The power intensified until it was nothing but a white flash.

Austin, Texas

"Alright then, Ray won the Tower of Pimps!" Geoff exclaimed.

"Woohoooo." Ray said monotonously throwing roses in all directions.

"FUCK!" a raging Michael yelled, "Gavin you fucking moron, why did you kill me and take my stuff?! I could've beaten him off his win streak of like 30!" Gavin shielded his face from the onslaught of punches coming from Michael in the real life as he began squawking all kinds of nonsense. Jack and Ryan turned from their screens and began laughing at Gavin who is now on the floor being pummeled by Michael.

"1, 2, 3, 4 yaaaaaaaaaay" Ray said as he constructed the Tower of Pimps in front of his dirt abode and jumped around on top, with Michael and Gavin still on the floor. "Lllllllllllet's stop." He then said as he got up from his chair and began to stretch.

Geoff stood up, "Alright let's get these two off of each other before they stain the carpet." As Geoff, Jack, and Ryan reached to pull the still swinging Michael off of Gavin, a spark appeared on the ceiling that only Gavin saw from his position. He began to actually push Michael off of him as he became concerned about the sparking.

"Wait, wait, Michael. Look!!" Gavin yelled, pointing to the spot in the ceiling that was sparking. Michael stopped and looked up as everyone else's eyes followed Michael's and Gavin's.

"What the fuck is that?" Geoff asked quizzically, "Ryan? What is that?"

"Okay just cause I'm good with computers doesn't mean I know everything!" He said half chuckling. Gavin interrupted.

"Wait Gents, Lads." He kept staring upward, "Look, it's gettin' brighter!" The light indeed got brighter until it was hard to look at. One by one they shielded their eyes as the light became more intense and completely engulfed the room.

"What the f-" was all Ray could exclaim before the light quickly vanished along with the six men.

Canterlot Throne Room

The four alicorns stood with their eyes closed as the spell began to work it's power. Twilight watched the gems become drained of their power going from white to a ghostly purple. As the light dimmed, she tried to see the creatures they had summoned. When the light had faded, the four alicorns stood in awe as they saw a species that they had all taken to be mythical.

"A-are those...?" Cadence began, but couldn't finish.

"Humans." Twilight finished her sister figure's sentence. Twilight walked up to the unconscious men and examined them closely. They smelled strange, like Applejack's grazing fields for her animals. "Hmm," she began, "three of them seem fairly young while three look quite older." The other three princesses came closer slowly, fearing that the myths they would tell fillies and colts were true. "I don't think they're dangerous." Twilight concluded.

"We cannot be too sure," Celestia began, "I decree we lock them in the dungeon until we can be sure they will cause no harm to Equestria." Twilight snapped her head up to meet the eyes of Celestia.

"With all due respect, Princess" Twilight began protesting, "but we can't just lock them in the dungeon!" Celestia didn't look convinced so Twilight continued, "If we lock them up and they wake up to a cell, they may respond violently and will be unwilling to cooperate. Besides, they are out of their element and will respond better to peaceful interaction rather than interrogation." Celestia looked at the six men, obviously beginning to be moved by Twilight's words. "I believe we should keep an eye on them, but without their knowledge. Have them stay in the ambassador's chambers until they are awake, but have guards posted outside the door and on the balcony."

Celestia considered this for a moment as she glanced to her sister who was also feeling sympathetic for the humans before them. Celestia gave in, "Alright, my student." she said in a fearful tone, "we will follow your suggestion." She turned to a guard by the door. "Lieutenant, get your most trustworthy men to relocate these humans to the ambassador's chambers before sunrise. Have those same men guard the room from anyone but us four princesses." The guard saluted and galloped out of the room. Celestia turned to Twilight who wore a soft smile.

"Thank you, your majesty." Twilight said with relief in her voice.

"Mark me, Twilight," Luna began, "although we and our sister trust your judgement, we want you to know that should these 'Hunters' not cooperate or begin wreaking havoc on Equestria," Luna said as she closed the distance between her and Twilight until they were a foot apart, "we will personally see to their destruction." Twilight gulped a little bit. Luna sensed this and backed off, "Although, we believe you have made the correct choice. Should they wish to assist us, we must treat them as such, not as common prisoners." She said ending with a glare towards Celestia.

"Yes," Celestia said, slightly embarrassed, "but what of the humans when they find out their personal predicament of not being able to immediately return to their dimension?" The guards had already began filing in and carrying the six humans out of the throne room to their new destination.

Twilight smirked as she watched the guards carry Gavin out last, place the red carpet over the runes burned into the ground, and collected all of the drained gems, "Then I guess we can turn this into more of an exchange than a plea for help."

Comments

[Shadowstrike2]

Uh oh, equestria is doomed. Gavin is there.

[DrSilverDusk]

Equestria fucked. deal with it

[Keywii_Cookies55]

Good opening. There are quite a few issues I could draw your attention to, but since the majority of them are based on inexperience instead of actually being bad at writing, I'll only point you in the direction of a couple things that stood out to me.

Firstly, in the second sentence at the top you made a tense mistake, You said " The colors are filled" over the colours were filled. A small oversight, admittedly, but very noticeable so early in.

The second thing is something that even heavily experienced writers mess up. It's something I like to call 'Assumption Syndrome'. In a lot of fanwork people assume that the reader knows who is being written about so they skip the part where they describe the characters. You didn't do this for the four princesses, you gave a brief description for each before you called them by name, which was good. However, when it came to the achievement hunters you only ever called them by name. So If I didn't start watching their videos around last Febuary, I wouldn't know anything about who they are by just name alone.

Which brings me to my final point. Admittedly I know little about the Ray era of AH, other than specifically going back and watching archived videos, I've only ever known Jeremy. So it seems odd to me that Michael would actually get out of his chair to punch Gaven in person. The Michael I know now would act angry for the camera yeah, but he'd laugh it off basically immediately. He tends to play the straight man a lot nowadays.

Anyway, I recommend you do plenty of reading and studying other people's works, but more than anything else, do exactly what you're already doing and just write. ^-^ Write as much and as often as possible. Never stop. This is how we all improve. Over time with nothing but practice and just a touch of disillusion that we're the best thing since Stephen King.

I'm excited to follow along and read as you post more chapters <3 Also to...you know...read more than Chapter 1, XD

EDIT: Oh right, i forgot to bring it up, but why is it that nobody seems familiar with humans? do you not count the EQ movies as canon? It seems unreasonable that they'd be so hostile towards the idea of havoc spreading humans. As far as all experience goes, humans, albeit multicolour human-counterparts of already existing humans, are as friendly and safe to be around as ponies are. I dunno, it felt weird to me is all.

[Chrysos Ala Ax]

I have to admit I was excited when I saw this today hough the inclusion of Ray instead of Matt or jeramy is kind of odd. Since you wrote this in 2017 and ray was gone for awhile. I would hope you go back and redo the chapters to keep the crew updated. I have no problem with how it is so far. Your research on people will need to be refined as such. Also I have gone back to see videos involving ray and in my opinion he didn't add really anything new or exciting in those videos. Even ah makes note of this in their panels of RTX.

[PoH]

8856806
I know Ray is odd to add now so long after him leaving. But Ray was honestly my favorite Achievement Hunter, i guess because I'm most like him when I play games. When I write Ray's dialogue, I know better what he would do than someone like Jeremy. Ironically, the last Achievement Hunter video I watched for years was Brown Out. So I only recently started watching their new stuff. I try to keep their characters pretty general to what you'd see in a normal video because 1) I'm not a super fan so i dont too much either and 2) so it can be friendly for the people who may read this and have never seen anything or much of RT or AH. I know the first few chapters are trash because this is the first time I've written anything that wasn't an essay. I want to revise and lengthen them, but I'll just have to be more careful when going back to not disturb the chronology of future events or writing anything substantially new/plot changing. But thank you about this feedback :)

[Fluffy-Boi]

In the mythical land of Austin, Texas

Hahahahahahaha

[NightCoreMoon]

If I can disagree with Keywoi_Cookies55, if you're reading an MLP and achievement hunter crossover you probably know the basics about both. It always annoys me when the first several paragraphs are filled with character descriptions that I've read a million times. I'm not gonna forget what color Twilight is, thanks. It just drags the beginning on forEVER, and it's a huge part of the "show, don't tell" thing. Basic colors, sure, but honestly? Eragon neglected to make a big deal about his physical appearance so when I read in Brisingr that he had brown hair I was like... what? It didn't impact the readability at all though is the important part. Now, your physical descriptions of the Princesses were short and bearable, even if I did sigh because Celestia seemed a bit more sadistic and unfeeling than normal BUT considering the circumstances I could understand why she acted that way. But as for the "mythical land of Austin Texas" bit (which made me lol), you in a couple of sentences established the main defining personality characteristics of everyone. Michael is punchy, Gavin is stupid, Ray is tired, Geoff is the Dad, Ryan is good with computers, and Jack... well, he's there too. It's exactly what a video from that era looked like and I remember those days fondly as they were when I first got into let's plays. And while I do love Jeremy, Ray is and always will be my favorite... to the point that I make it a point to watch his twitch as often as I can (I've made him laugh on three separate occasions in chat :D it's awesome). So I'm very excited to begin this, especially knowing that the hiatus is not death.

[arcanethesightless]

8856846
wright it how you want to wright my friend. Don't let anyone say other wise.

[Cheshirek4t]

"We cannot be too sure," Celestia began, "I decree we lock them in the dungeon until we can be sure they will cause no harm to Equestria." Twilight snapped her head up to meet the eyes of Celestia.

Well f**k you to ST