kalash93
Joined 18th Dec, 2012 ·
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you forgot the anthro tag
edit: noticed you fixed it just after i posted this (or while i was typing it) fastest fix iv ever seen
7949603
I must've fixed it while you were typing. Thanks for the catch, view, and comment, though.
Just love today. All the best stuff gets posted, for those who love love.
That was the cutest and hottest thing I've ever read. I miss you and I need you to fuck me hard, lyubov'.
My man Kalash is always coming through
7949771
Damn right, you know it.
I just realized I wasn't following you.
How poor of me. I'll be reading this when I curl up with my tablet tonight.
7949838
Awesome and awesomer!
7949669
Indeed. My friend, how are you?
7949847 Thanks for that sick ass return watch, my dude!
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Valentine's Lay
Grammar Score: "Shining positioned himself, tip resting ready to go in." 9 (as in Very Solid).
Pros
- Admirable lack of filler, economic narrative
- Good demonstration of grammar and sentence flow
- Lighthearted tone that stays consistent
Cons
- Excessive curse words and blunt description (see notes)
- Troubling lack of characterization and motives
- Anthro seems arbitrary, could've just been humanized
Notes: Okay, so it's understandable that a light and fluffy clopfic like this would be published for Valentine's Day. You're an experienced author with a lot of erotic material under his belt, and it shows to an extent. You sure don't waste your time getting us into the action, although this is both a pro and a con. Having Shining Armor and Cadance copulate for this sort of thing is fitting, but at the same time we're given next to no insight into these characters; with a few exceptions in dialogue, these people felt like they could've been a different pair of characters and nothing would have to be changed, really. Why do these people love each other? What are they thinking? What quirks do they have that aren't just vanilla couple stuff? Maybe it's my perspective as a romantic voyeur, but I like to know the objects of my potential arousal when reading clop. And then there's the cursing. It sounds weird for me to say that, but all the curse words felt like they were cheapening the emotion of the scene, in both dialogue and description. It's all too workmanlike for what it's trying to convey, which is sex between a loving couple. What does each of their actions feel like? What is the atmosphere of the room, the smell of it? Erections and bodily fluids aside, how do their bodies react to certain stimuli? You know, stuff like that. Clop is highly subjective, but it's the thought that counts.
Hopefully you've enjoyed this review! Please help out your fellow man/woman/fish by taking a look at my story: Ocean Mare
7949847
Writing, after a fashion. Zootopia mostly but I might get back to pony work. And healthy after a lingering cold.
Good story, but why no source/artist for the coverart?
7949928
Cursing during sex is how real people talk. I know because this story (like much of Kalash's clop) is based on our sex life.
7951528 But does it fit the characters? I would say no. Just because you do it doesn't mean it's going to necessarily make for compelling reading material. I never brought up realism, I brought up believability. If the characters aren't believable, I lose investment. I don't care if you like to talk dirty during sex or not, I'm concerned with how it translates to a story with supposed characters.
Not sure how I was gonna say that without sounding bitchy, sorry.
7951774
I don't think I ever met anyone who kept a clean vocabulary during sex, especially if they were really into it.
7952064 Holy crap, it just came to me! You said that everyone you've met who's had sex likes to talk dirty. That's everyone saying the same things. The characters in this fic talk like that, like every couple that curses a lot during sex. So they don't get voices of their own; they're basically just you projecting onto blank canvases and giving them established names so as to create a thin illusion of characterization. I think I get it now, that's the rub. If they start talking like any other couple, they may as well be actors in a porno, and the cool thing about good clopfics is that the characters have something to them. It's not just "Oh fuck" and "Squeeze my tits" and yadda yadda yadda. I need to write this down for myself too, actually, as a reminder.
7952220
I'm not 100% sure if I get your point. The Cadance and Shiny in this fic are meant to be a version we don't get to see in the show for obvious reasons. The dialogue is meant to be true to life, and somehow that makes it generic, whichs adds character and I can't tell if that's good or bad or you're being sarcastic? Please reitterate.
7952450 True to life does not mean true to character. Like, if we were to take Shining Armor and Cadance and put them in an intimate situation, how would they act? Don't think about how you or someone you know would act, try to think about how these established characters would. By stripping them of their personality, you're—well, doing exactly that. There's no other way to say it, really. If you make a character sound "realistic" or like everyone else, you remove what makes them them. That's my, uh, two cents anyway.
7952476
I see. I imagine Shining being a softy behind closed doors, because lots of tough guys are total softies behind the scene. For example, our very own Jake the Army Guy is, IIRC, a drill sergeant, but is honestly a gruff-looking teddy bear off duty. Besides, based on how much he cares for Cadance in the show, he seems like he'd probably playful with her, which would also fit his characterization as a guy guy. And as for Cadance, she's princess of Love, so I'd imagine her wanting to be very intimate and generate warm feelings in her lover, as well as give Shining a break from the world of drill commands and military codes of conduct. Similarly, Shining is a physical sort, so I think he'd like to take a more proactive role in lovemaking, and Cadance strikes me as traditionally feminine, so she would probably enjoy simply being rutted. Plus, Shining is far stronger than her -- how can she resist his masculine force when he gets going? Does that explain any of the reasoning for writing how I did?
P.S.: I'll be on to your fic in a few hours, God willing.
7952498 Eh? I mean, you don't give them enough characterization in the fic for me to say with certainty, but that's kind of my point. You know, familiarize the reader with their perspectives and give him/her room to breathe (a couple extra thousand words never killed anyone, I think). Well, that and it still doesn't explain why they talk like sailors.
I'm pretty sure that last part is just a habit of yours anyway. It shows in both dialogue and narration, which I found off-putting. Like a supposedly romantic lovemaking as filtered through a Hemingway protagonist, albeit without the nuance.
7952526
Ah, and here we come to the problem. I wrote this more or less as a gift to Nahmala, since I couldn't spend the day with her in person, remembering something she'd said she'd like to see.
7952534 Heeeeeey, I get it. I couldn't spend Valentine's Day with my beloved either.
Aww
They're just adorable 
Nice story
7952542
For god's sake, sauce that cover art! D: I need to know, for, uh...
Science. c.c
7981053
Found it over at derpibooru: #1158719, artist is dormin-kanna.
7984780
Bless you, citizen.
7981053
My friend, there's no need to panic. You can now do all the science you need.https://derpibooru.org/1158719?q=princess+cansdance
What a good oneshot.
7985842
Thank you
You write such amazing underrated clopfics.