• Published 20th Feb 2017
  • 653 Views, 24 Comments

The Flaming Trash Bag - Raptormon132



Lock Down, a member of the prison class royal guards tell the story of an incident that happened to him in his childhood to a prisoner to try and cheer him up.

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The Flaming Trash Bag

My name is Lock Down. I was chosen by Rehab, the new warden of Hoofstrong Prison Center, and a dear friend of mine, to watch a prisoner named Abacus Sum. He was sent to Canterlot for his retrial at Equestria supreme court. Abacus was one of many victims to fall prey to the bloodthirsty, corruption, conspiracy syndicate operating between Hoofstrong Prison Center, and the Canterlot investigation force, who was convicted for a crime he did not commit. I stood around close to the prison wagon, waiting with that same hope. He was taken inside by two other guards into Equestria supreme courthouse for his retrial that started at 8:00 am. The hours ticked by, and I glanced at the nearby clock tower to I find out it was now 3:45 pm. Though I remembered that sometimes it can seem like time flies while you are on the job, to me, it felt like an eternity. Throughout that time, I was wondering how Abacus's retrial was going, but I also wondered if my heartfelt apology to him for shocking him went well, and hoped that I would be a friend to him after forming a bond with him. It was like a great weight was lifted off my back from doing that. I believed that Abacus needed friends for what he went through, and I kind of liked that guy.

I turned my head at the sound of the door opening, and two royal guards came out, and in between them, being escorted, was Abacus. I was so happy to see him again, and so interested to know the outcome of his retrial, that it was almost difficult to keep my composure. Though, I was also concerned from seeing how very hopelessly depressed he still was, and I feared that it was a failure. I also noticed that one of the royal guards was holding some papers in his mouth.

"In you go, Abacus."

I watched as Abacus walked up the ramp into the wagon on the guard's orders, with the guard leading him inside. I was just following them in when I heard one of the guards say to Abacus, "Sit down here."

Abacus sat down on the bench seat in the wagon, the royal guard holding his rope gave it to me. With my magic, I tied the end of the rope to the metal ring fixed to the wall, until the royal guard that was holding the papers in his mouth came up to me, and offered me the papers.

"The prisoner is to be sent back." The guard said. "And be sure the warden gets these on arrival."

"Yes, sir." I took the papers with my magic. "By the way. What was the verdict of the prisoner, if you don't mind me asking, sir?"

The guard stopped and turned his head to me. "Not guilty. He's been fully exonerated and pardoned. And is to be released at 10 am tomorrow morning. Those papers are his release forms. Now sit tight, you're about to leave."

I saluted. "Yes, sir."

The guard walked out of the wagon, and the door closed. I was so happy to hear the great news that Abacus was acquitted and pardoned, and was finally going to be free the following day. I sat down next to Abacus as the wagon began moving.

"Well, isn't it great news, Abacus?" I said. "Congratulations on your not guilty verdict."

I was very confused to why Abacus would still be sad and depressed, even after such good news, but I tried to remain positive, and friendly to him.

"I bet you must be so excited about being free tomorrow, huh?"

"...Why?"

My eyes widened with surprise. For the very first time, Abacus had spoken to me. I quickly shook off my surprise before responding. "What?"

"...Why are you doing that?" Abacus asked.

I titled his head. "Doing what?"

Abacus's eyes began to tear up sadly. "Why are you being so nice to me?"

"What do you mean? I don't understand. Why shouldn't I be so nice to you?"

Abacus sniffled. "I'm a prisoner. Scum of Equestria. Why else would I be in these horrible chains and restrains? Have a horrible collar? Have an ugly face? Why would you be nice to scum and trash like me? It doesn't matter if I'm free, because I'm still scum. Those who were prisoners are nothing but scum and trash with no place in this world. So I am nothing but scum!"

I watched on as Abacus began to cry. I was so shocked and sad to see somepony call himself such horrible, and untruthful things. I knew this had to have been one of the horrible, cruel things Armstrong and his guards had implanted into him. I had a lot of great anger and revulsion for what this poor stallion had suffered, and it was from the very ones that were suppose to enforce criminals, and protect anypony like him from them. It was a rare moment that I felt disgusted and ashamed to be part of the prison system. The sight of this poor stallion in tears, and full of such despair made me feel so sad and sorry for him. I got up, sat on the floor in front of Abacus, and I placed both my hooves on the crying stallion's shoulders.

"Abacus," I said. "Open your eyes, and look at me."

Abacus opened his eyes and slowly looked up at me face to face, eyes evenly leveled, with tears still running down his cheeks.

"Now you listen to me, and listen good." I leaned my face a little closer to Abacus's face, while still being on his level. "You are not scum. You never were, and you never will be. I can tell because I guarded at other prisons with some of the most dangerous prisoners in Equestria. So I know scum when I see it. Armstrong and his guards, they're scum. But you are not scum. So if I ever need any reason to be so nice to you, it's because you're not scum."

Abacus sniffled and sobbed as he listened to my honest, kind words. I even wiped one of the tears from Abacus's face with my hoof.

"Now say it." I said. "You are not scum."

Abacus sniffled. "...I am not scum."

"Good. Say it again."

"I am not scum."

I smiled kindly, and wiped another of Abacus's tears with my hoof. "Now I want you to keep telling yourself that whenever somepony thinks otherwise, because you're not scum, or trash, or anything of a sort. You've may have been in prison, but that doesn't mean you're scum, or you're life is ruined and over. Not by a long shot. You're still young, and this is a new beginning for you. You're a very good pony. You're innocent, and you've been acquitted, so you shouldn't have any problems from anypony who would look at your record."

I gave Abacus a heartfelt hug, thinking that was what he needed. He could not hug visitors, but I could hug him. I held him like I would do with my children when they needed their father's love, for Abacus was like a crying child.

"It will be hard for you for a while, but it'll pass. Also, I'm sorry for the loss of your wife. I understand it hurts, and will hurt for quite a while, but I'm sure you'll find somepony new. Somepony who will truly love and care for you no matter what you look like, and whether if you were in prison or not. Just don't give up."

After a few moments, I could hear Abacus's crying beginning to calm down, though he was still depressed and scared. I sighed with relief, and had a sense of achievement filled throughout myself of how encouraging I spoke to him. I even thought the hug I gave him must have helped too. My wife and kids have always said that I give the best hugs. Though to be honest, guards are not really supposed to do that with prisoners. It was against regulation, and I was glad nopony else of the guards saw me doing that. But Abacus was not a dangerous criminal, he was an innocent pony, so he needed that hug. Although, I think none of the other guards would have reported me if they did see me hugging him, after what they were facing too. I released the hug, got up, and sat back down next to him, placing a friendly hoof back on Abacus's shoulder.

"And if you're so worried about your scarred face, you could probably get it fixed." I said. "You'd be surprise what wonders plastic surgery can do. But whatever the future has installed, I'm sure everything is going to be okay for you from now on."

As I stroked Abacus's back gently to comfit him, I felt movement outside, meaning that the wagon was outside the city, and had taken flight. I thought for a moment, and chuckled when recalling one of the things Abacus said about himself. Then after I thought about it for a split second, I decided to tell him a story to help cheer him up.

"You know it's funny you should mention about trash. It reminds me of something funny that happened to me when I was about ten. You want to hear it?"

Though Abacus said nothing, seeing him just nodding slowly was a good enough answer to me.

I smiled. "Okay. I'll tell you the story." I cleared my throat.


________________________________________________________________


24 years ago...


Back when I was a kid, I used to prank a lot of ponies. I was growing up in a nice part of Carriageston with my mother, my father, and my younger sister. And there was my old childhood friends, Short Stack, Big B, Colt Feet, and Sherbet Lemon. We formed a group together, and I was considered the leader of it. My childhood friends, and I had a tradition that each and every Nightmare Night, we would play our favorite prank round different parts of the city while getting candy. The prank we loved pulling on Nightmare Night was the flaming-paper-bag-full-of-trash-on-the-doorstep prank. Big B lived close by to a garbage dump, due to his father owning the dump. So we would go there, and we would find lots of garbage, and I mean gooey, squishy, sloppy, foul-smelling garbage made from food scraps, fruit and vegetable peelings, and any discarded liquid foods and drinks to mix in to make it sloppy. I could tell you some of the liquid foods and drinks we would find, like old rotting, foul-smelling eggs still in their cartons, cans of rotting expired soups and sauces, and bottles and carton of juices, vinegar, milk, and soda. One time we got lucky, and found an old carton of buttermilk that was still unopened, and when we opened it, we saw that the buttermilk turned into a thick, smelly, sloppy mess. Then when we collected the garbage, we would carry buckets and wagons full of them, and put them into bags upon bags at our clubhouse close by.

One Nightmare Night, when I was about ten, that changed when it was flipped on us. We collected the garbage from the dump, and filled them into many paper bags. Then we went to this lone stack in a suburb on the northern outer part of Carriageston. There was this old stallion living there, and he was always the first pony we would prank. My friends and I called him "Old Test Dummy". He was not very bright, and we would test our burning trash bags on him for that, hence the name. So we would get one of our bags, go over to his front door, and we would knock. I was knocking, and one of my friends was lighting the bag. We then ran off, and hide in the bushes nearby. We would watch as Old Test Dummy would open the door, see the burning trash, and go stomping on it with his hooves. He would then realize after that the burning bag on his doorstep was full of wet, gooey, squishy, sloppy, foul-smelling garbage, and it would be all over his porch, his hooves, and his door. His outbursts afterwards were priceless to watch.

"Ah, doggone, pesky, wretched kids!! I'll tear me some kids flanks up if I catch'em round my house again!!"

We would then be laughing our flanks off as he would slam his door hard. It was so much fun.

After we tested them out on Old Test Dummy, we then went to the suburbs on the eastern side of Carriageston. We would pull the same deal, put the bag on the doorstep, knock and light the bag, and then run and hide. Then we would watch the ponies come answering their door, and seeing them stomp it out. And we would laugh so hard, they would have garbage all round their hooves, and it stinking so horribly. It was so funny. And then we would move on to the next random house. In one suburb, we did another successfully pulled flaming-paper-bag prank, and we started running. We got about halfway down the street when we suddenly heard somepony call out to us.

"Hey! Hey, boys! Stop a minute!"

We skidded to a halt, and turned our heads towards where the voice came from. There, we saw a pegasus stallion around 50 or 60 years old come over to us. He had a light green coat with a whitish grey mane. At first we thought he was a police pony, and we thought we were in real trouble, but when we noticed he was not wearing a police uniform, our minds set at ease. He landed in front of us.

"I saw what y'all did." The stallion said. "Y'all lit that bag, and them poor ponies had to come out there and stomp that. You know, y'all boys are wrong! I'll tell you know. You go home! Or I'll gonna tell ya daddies."

My friends and I all just smirked at him as I remarked, "Oh, go suck on an egg, old timer!"

Colt Feet presented a rotten egg he had saved. "Yeah! A rotten egg!"

Colt Feet then threw the rotten egg at the stallion, hitting him square in the face. We burst into laughter seeing the rotten insides of the egg cover his face.

"Happy Nightmare Night!" I said.

We ran off laughing down the street with our load of garbage paper bags we had to place, and light-up on other ponies. The stallion glared at us, wiping the rotten egg off his face with his hoof as he hissed, "Payback is a sucker!".


We continued until about 9:30 pm when we finished lighting the last bag. Then we went to some houses to get some more candy, until it was about 10:45 pm, before we decided to go home. I got home at about 11 pm. I went in through the front door of my house, carrying a large sack full of candy that I got from all the houses I went to with my friends.

"Mama! Dad! I'm home!"

I was greeted by my parents, and my little sister in the living room. My sister was sitting on the sofa, counting and eating her candy she got with her friends.

"Hello, Locky," My mother said. "How was your Nightmare Night?"

"It was a lot of fun." I stopped, and rested my big sack full of candy on the floor. "We went to lots of houses all round the city, and got a lot of candy."

My mother noticed my large sack of candy. "So I see."

"Attaboy, son," My father said. "This is probably the most candy you've got this year so far."

"Thanks, Dad." I took my costume off, while I carried my large sack of candy, and sat on the sofa. "I gotta have some of it."

My father nodded. "Go for it, son."

"Just don't eat too much of them tonight, okay?" My mother said. "You know what happened last year when you went to the dentist? Dr Root found two cavities."

"Yeah, yeah, I know, Mama."

I began to look at, and eat some of my candy in my sack while sitting on the sofa. I was even trading candies with my sister, trading candies that we each did not like, in exchange for candies we did like. Then about 45 minutes later, the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it!" My mother said.

My mother trotted over to the door, carrying a bowl of candy, thinking it was some last minute candy collecting kids. She opened the door, only to find no children anywhere. Instead she was greeted by a paper bag burning on the doorstep. My mother screamed, and dropped the bowl of candy, causing it to shatter. My father, sister, and myself heard the noise, and rushed over just as she began stomping on it. I was shocked at seeing that, and it was too late for me to warn my mother not to stomp on it. And a couple of moments later, it was over. There was gooey, squishy, sloppy, foul-smelling garbage all over the doorstep, the entrance, but worst of all, all over my mothers slippers and nightgown. She was most upset.

"My nightgown!"

I stood there dumbstruck at what just happened right before me, but then I was mad, because I thought it was one of my friends that had done it.


The next day, I was at the clubhouse with my friends. They looked at me with confusion, seeing the real angered looked on my face.

"Alright!" I said. "Which one of you did it?!"

Sherbet Lemon tilted his head. "Did what, Lock Down?"

I glared. "I thought we all agreed not to do it on our families?!"

"Do what, Lock Down?" Short Stack asked. "What are you talking about?"

"One of you pranked my mama with a flaming trash bag at the door last night! One of you did it!"

Colt Feet shook is head. "No, we'd never!"

I glanced at all my friend. "Well, it's only our thing. Somepony did it."

"Not us," Big B said. "We went straight home after we were done last night."

Sherbet Lemon nodded. "Yeah. We'd never do that to your mama."

"We wouldn't do it to any of our mama's." Short Stack adjusted his glasses. "After all, we all made an oath not to."

"That's right." Colt Feet said. "We'd never break the oath, Lock Down."

I pondered for a moment at what my friends had said. I knew deep down none of my friends would do this, and they would never break the oath. I looked up at them remorsefully for my anger towards them.

"Do you guys...swear you didn't do it?"

My friends all nodded. "Mm-hmm."

I raised an eyebrow and rubbed my chin with my hoof. "Well, then...who could have done it?"

Big B came over to me, and placed a hoof on my shoulder. "Come on, Lock Down. Let's go to the ice cream bar on eastern Carriageston and get a milkshake or an ice cream. That'll make you feel better."

"Yeah," Sherbet Lemon said. "My uncle Fudge Split will give us a free milkshake today. He likes us coming there on Sundays. And I know my cousin, Sugar Dough will be happy to see you."

I smiled and nodded. "Okay."


Fudge Split and Sugar Dough brought out our treats as we sat on a table outside the ice cream bar. Sherbet Lemon, and Colt Feet had an simple ice cream, Short Stack, and I had a large chocolate milkshake, and Big B had a triple-decker nut-crazy vanilla cream hot fudge sundae. I took a large sip of my milkshake, and sighed with nourishment.

"This is just what I needed." I turned to Fudge Split. "Thanks, Mr Split. You always make the best ice creams and milkshakes."

"You're welcome, Lock Down." Fudge Split said. "And thank you. You boys are always welcome here. Enjoy your ice creams and milkshakes."

"I'll even bring out some powdered doughnuts I made myself. I think you'll love them."

Fudge Split turned to Sugar Dough. "Come on, sweet heart. Come help me wash up, then you can bring the doughnuts you made to the boys."

"Okay, daddy." Sugar Dough smiled at me sweetly. "I'll talk to you later, Lock Down."

I watched as Fudge Split and Sugar Dough walked back into the ice cream bar. I took another sip of my milkshake, when I noticed my friends all looking and sniggering at me.

"Looks like somepony's got a crush on you, Lock Down." Big B said.

My cheeks went red as the cherry on top of Big B's sundae as I shifted awkwardly in my seat. "Yeah, so? She's a nice girl."

Sherbet Lemon smiled. "You like my cousin too."

"Look at him blush!" Short Stack giggled. "Sherbet Lemon's cousin is your sweet heart!"

Colt Feet smirked. "Sugar Dough and Lock Down sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

"Oh, shut up!" I said.

My friends laughed a bit more before enjoying our treats. At the same time, I saw somepony looking at us from a newspaper stand nearby. I recognized the pony as the old, light green coated pegasus stallion with the whitish grey mane from last night that called out to us. He smirked at me, bought a newspaper, and began to approach us. When he got to a metre away from the table, he started to laugh while locking his eyes on me, and he stopped at our table.

"HAHAHAHA!"

I glared at him with annoyance. "What are you laughing at?!"

The old stallion grinned at me. "How did you enjoy your bag of trash at the door, y'little whippersnapper?"

My eyes shot open at the stallions words. It was there I now realized who the one was that put the bag of trash at the door that my mother went, and stomped on.

"You!" I said. "IT WAS YOU! You crazy old kook!!"

"I told you! I told you "Payback is a sucker"!" The stallion continued laughing.

I growled angrily. "You old geezer! My mama had to stomp that trash out!"

The stallion glared back at me, putting on a serious tone, but also mocking. "Yeah! She did!" He leaned his face into my own, and began poking me with his hoof. "But somepony else's mama had to stamp out YOUR TRASH!!"

The stallion walked away down the street laughing, leaving my friends and I alone with absolute shock. Just a moment later, Sugar Dough came out with a big tray of powdered doughnuts she made herself.

"Here's the doughnuts I made. I hope you like-" Sugar Dough noticed my shocked expression, and tilted her head. "What is it, Lock Down? What's wrong?"


________________________________________________________________


Back to the present...


I began to chuckle as I ended the story. "And that's what happened. It was too bad my mother had to be part of it, but I guess I had it coming for doing that."

My ears perked up at a sudden sound coming from Abacus. It sounded like suppressed snorting, like if he was trying to hold back from laughing. I notice Abacus was making a face along with his depressed face, then a small, brief laugh finally escaped from Abacus through his sadness. I smiled, and patted Abacus on the back.

"It's alright to laugh." I said "At least I got you laughing. Sometimes laughter can help anypony, even in the most darkest of times."

Abacus looked up at me as I gave him a kind smile. Bonding, and even possibly becoming his friend was such a proud moment for me. A start of a possible friendship. Thinking he might be hungry, I turned my attention to my lunch box, and levitated it towards me with my magic. I opened it to see that there was still plenty of my wife's powdered doughnuts left inside.

"Well, there's still some powdered doughnuts left." I levitated one of the doughnuts out, and offered it to Abacus. "Here you are. Have another doughnut."

Abacus sobbed quietly, and held his hoof out. I then placed the doughnut into his hoof. "...Thank you."

I smiled, and watched Abacus take a bite from the doughnut in his hoof. I then put a friendly hoof around Abacus's shoulders.

"Well, it's still another two and a half hours to until we get back to Hoofstrong." I said. "How about I tell you some more stories."

I told Abacus more stories about my childhood, and even my experiences in other prisons I was previously at. They were good, but I think the first story I told him was the one I am the most proud, since I got him to laugh, even if it was very small, and brief.

Author's Note:

Well, I hope this got a laugh from any of you. As Lock Down said: "Sometimes laughter can help anypony, even in the most darkest of times."

Enjoy!

Comments ( 24 )

Nice, Shows that not every criminal is Bad, always view people from the inside not the outside.

Serves him right.

7962704
You should probably go read the story this story is linked to get to know the prisoner character, Abacus Sum.

7963736 I will when i have time

7962730
Well, he defiantly had that coming. :rainbowlaugh:
And thank you for adding it to your "Stories" list. :twilightsmile:

7963737
Awesome! :pinkiehappy:
BTW Thank you for adding this story of mine to your favorites. :twilightsmile:

7963765 you're welcome, i love storys like this.:twilightsmile:

I loved it so good.

7966312
Thanks. I was hoping the story of Lock Down's past would be good enough for a laugh.

Could you please include a link to the Contest/Group?

8007703
Contest? :rainbowhuh: Oh! You must be talking about the Everfree NW Scribblefest Contest. Right?

This has been reviewed by the Reviewer's Cafe. Should you have any questions regarding the review, I would be happy to help.

8024423
I just read the review, and I will tell you a couple of things.

The Flaming Trash Bag prank is actually a toned down version of the old flaming bag of shit prank.

What you said about how you could not enjoy this because you knew nothing about the other story. Maybe I should edit the story description saying that reading my other story "is required" before reading it, instead of being "not required". What do you think?

Also, what you said about my story having typos, missed or misused words. And of it's lack of commas in areas. If it's too much to ask, but could you perhaps proofread it for me, so that I can possibly fix it? That would be a big help.

8025052

I see. I appreciate the nod to making the shit bag more suited for MLP.

I must say, I would agree somewhat with changing the summary—but I would say, it is highly recommended to read the main story first. It can be understood without it, but with difficulty which somewhat defies the point of reading for fun.

And of it's lack of commas in areas.

Well, for a start, there's one issue right there. "It's" should be "its". Unfortunately, I have too much on my plate at the minute to edit for you, although if you have difficulty finding some examples I would be happy to point out the sort of things that I'm looking at.

Also, it wasn't so much a lack of commas as the misuse of commas before "and".

8026513
Sure. If you can at least point out the sort of things you're looking at, that could help. Then I can re-edit these in this story, and then the same possible problems in my other stories too. :twistnerd:

BTW I also re-edited the certain part of the summary disruption too. That way no one will get confused before reading it.

8028247

Okay, to give a few quick examples...

Misused words (etc):

He was taken in with two other guards inside

I took the papers with his magic.

filled them in many paper bags.

I had a lot of great anger and revulsion of what this poor stallion had suffered, and by the very things that were suppose to protect from criminals, and it was one of those times where I felt disgusted and ashamed to be part of the prison system.

Typos—self explanatory (etc):

I use to prank a lot of ponies

by the very things that were suppose to protect from criminals

Missed words (etc):

the blood-thirsty, corruption syndicate

forming a somewhat bond with him

Also—though perhaps this is a personal issue, I don't know—using the word "for", or "as" or "because", just sounds sloppy when used to explain something. It just seems too blatantly tell-y.

for he was sent to Canterlot for his retrial at Equestria supreme court

8029650
Well, I'll see what I can do to correct them, or at least make them sound a bit better. Though some of those you pointed out are questionable and really confusing, and will be quite a challenge for me to do, but I'll try my best. Then when I'm done, I'll reply back to let you know.

8029650
Hey. I just finished the corrections, and did some changes here and there, but I should say that it wasn't easy. I just hope it's better now. :twilightsheepish:

8030743

Questionable and confusing? Please elaborate, I'll explain where I can.

8031542

Well with explaining misused words, your example of it was this:

I had a lot of great anger and revulsion of what this poor stallion had suffered, and by the very things that were suppose to protect from criminals, and it was one of those times where I felt disgusted and ashamed to be part of the prison system.

I don't understand how there was misused words in that part. :applejackunsure:

With explaining missed words, your examples of them were these:

the blood-thirsty, corruption _syndicate

forming a somewhat bond with him

I don't understand what words was missed in those parts. I didn't see anything wrong with them. :applejackunsure:

And last, the issue with using "for", or "as" or "because" being too blatantly tell-y, especially since I've read many books that use them, and not just fan fiction mind you. I did try taking out some of them that I could, but the rest of them are difficult and really don't sound right without them.

Like I said: I did edit some of these things, but I have trouble understanding, whether it's to do with my mild autism, or the common complications of writing amateur writers like me get, or a combination of both. :twilightsheepish:
But either way, I just hope these new changes are good enough.

8032809

Some of the misused words may instead have been typos, but if they were genuine words I stuck them there. Anyway, let me elaborate...

I had a lot of great anger and revulsion of what this poor stallion had suffered

The word "of" is, indeed, used wrongly here. It should instead be "for" or "as to", otherwise it reads (put more simply, where the mistake is more obvious) like this:

"I had a lot of anger of what the stallion had seen."

Next one...

the very things that were suppose to protect from criminals

So, this part is extremely poorly worded and I was unsure whether the word was misused or whether it was used correctly, but the sentence meaning was changed due to missed words. It just... didn't make sense. There could have been numerous issues which made this wrong...

1) The word "things"—is this meant to be the guards, or is it an item (perhaps an item of destruction)?
2) I went with the theory that it was an item, and so I highlighted the word "protect" since, by that assumption, it should probably have been "be withheld" instead.

I may very well have read this wrongly. As I said, and I don't mean any offence here, this was incredibly poorly written and even now I've had to spend the last five minutes trying to work out what you're trying to say.

it was one of those times where I felt disgusted

Derp! This was my fault. I somehow managed to bold "one of those times" instead of "where". Sorry about that xD

the blood-thirsty, corruption _syndicate

In this case, I added the underscore to show where the word was needed. In this case, you need another word between "corruption" and "syndicate" since it does not much sense when reading. Now, if this was a typo—and this is where I struggled at times with pointing out issues—then "blood thirsty, corrupted syndicate" makes sense.

forming a somewhat bond with him

This is still a blatant issue. A "somewhat bond" doesn't make sense—somewhat what? I think I understand what you were going for, but it's still wrong.

really don't sound right without them.

That's quite alright; it's your own style, and that's good. I wouldn't reject a fic based on that alone, but personally I just find it sounds cringey to read.

Anyway, I hope this helped a little more. I was not aware you were on the autistic spectrum but may I just say, don't let that be an excuse to give up on your dreams and goals. Don't feel down about yourself or your writing skills because of it; I'm slightly Asperger's myself, which is obviously similar, and I like to think that I've managed to hone my skills nicely to become at least a pretty good writer, even if I'm far from amazing. I can see you getting there as well. :twilightsmile:

8034414
It's starting to make a bit more sense now. Though I should tell you why I put the word "things" in "the very things that were suppose to protect from criminals" (which I've recently changed it to "the very things that were suppose to enforce criminals, and protect anypony like him from them").
The reason is, and spoiler alert to my other story it's linked to, is because Abacus Sum lost his wife and unborn child to a horrible house fire that started from a faulty wire from a recently replaced power socket in the kitchen. When the Canterlot investigation force were sent to investigate, they discovered the true cause of the fire, but they were part of a secret bloodthirsty, corrupted syndicate operating between them and Hoofstrong Prison Center. When they discovered that Abacus had a large life insurance cover of 1,200,000 bits for his wife's death, as well as having 530,000 bits in his bank account, due to him being a very skillful accountant, and tax agent. So they waited for Abacus to get his large life insurance payout, before deliberately and falsely charging him for murder, knowing that they would get all the money he had, as well as a descent pay from the government. And then after Abacus was found guilty by the false charges, and sentenced tom life at Hoofstrong Prison Center, they destroyed the real evidence in front of him so that he could never be cleared, like they did to countless other victims before him. Then the guards would do horrible things to him, like bash, and take turns raping him anally and orally, and shocking him with a metal collar that shocks prisoners with 50,000 volts of electricity, causing them great pain whenever they wanted all for just sick, sadistic pleasure. They also would kill the innocent prisoners, like beating them to death, hanging them with another form of torture, or Armstrong's dog would rip their throat out. And bare in mind: those are just some of examples of what the guards at hoofstrong did, and on a daily basis (which I'm planning to write a long story about all that Abacus suffered, and it will have clop, violence, and be quite dark). I should even mention that the guards Armstrong would secretly recruit with the Canterlot investigation force's help were all criminals ranging from common brutal thugs to rapists and sexual offenders. This corruption, conspiracy syndicate operated for 10 whole years without anyone knowing, not even Princess Celestia herself knew of it. It was only after Princess Luna's return did Celestia became aware of it, due to Luna's power to enter into the dreams of others. And a unicorn pony guard from Hoofstrong named "Turncoat" who was the most trusted right-hand of Armstrong secretly came forward, helped put an end to it, and revealed the truth of all surviving, and deceased prisoners.

So now you know why I described the Canterlot investigation force, and the guards who used to run Hoofstrong as "Things". It was to describe them both, and to help avoid a big spoiler in case they didn't read the story it's linked to first. But on the other hand, it wouldn't matter since it's given away at the start anyway. LOL! But maybe I should change "things" to maybe "ones", as it describes ponies involved.

And one part of writing this reply just gave me an idea. :raritystarry: I found a word to put in at "the blood-thirsty, corruption _syndicate", and that word is possibly "conspiracy". I'll add that in now. I just hope this is right word. If not, maybe "crime" might work better.

For "forming a somewhat bond with him", I wrote it like that because it was narrative first person. Like telling the reader how the character is seeing and feeling in his own words, like those movies with first person narration in it. But I've since changed it to " forming a bond with him" to help make it sound more sense.

It should help a bit more, and I hope these new changes have made it better. Also, that is good encouragement what you said. I don't let my autism get me down. I found out that there are and were many celebrities who had or even speculated to have autism/asperger's. Like Robin Williams, Albert Einstein, Michael Jackson, Steven Spielberg, Mozart, Bob Dylan, the list goes on.
Thank you for your encouragement. And I hope these new changes I did to this story help fix it. :twilightsmile:

Hiya! I reviewed this fic on Blunt Reviews. Check it out in the review link! Which is right below.
Review link

I didn't actually say it in the review, but I think the corrections that have been done to the fic, aside from the one in the synopsis I pointed out, are 'pretty solid', and I had no trouble reading it at all when I got into the proper 4.4k.

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Thank you for letting me know. I'll look at it soon. :twilightsmile:

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