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It's been a long day for the Timberwolf pups, but now it's time to go to bed. Only one little problem they aren't sleepy, but that's okay The Pack Mother AKA mommy has a simple solution. A little lullaby for her precious little Timberwolf puppies.
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Well done. Good to see someone understanding of animals, even the ones that seem to be cruel and ruthless by nature. A certain yellow Pegasus would be proud.
I feel this story could have been a tad better if it had been formatted differently. Don't get me wrong, the lyrics and rhythm work great, but the formatting is a little distracting. I'm not saying each sentence should be spaced out to an entire line, that would be dangerously long. But as it is, the formatting lacks a bit.
Looking at the "Similar" tab to the right of this box... I'm sorry to say you're not the first to portray them in a positive light. You are one of the few, so congratulations on that.
Again though, all-around, short and sweet. That's a plus from me!
This was very sweet...
Very sweet indeed.
7949794 Merci
7949967
Merci
7949700 Merci. Admittedly I didn't read every Timberwolf story so I wouldn't have know the ones that I saw all seemed to portray them in a neg. fashion however. I am glad that others are willing to give them a break though.
Uff. Ya got me right in the feels.
7978563 Oui C’était le point, pour vous faire sentir. That was the point of the story to make you feel. Ich bin froh dass es hat dass gemacht, Man my german grammar is crud le nuit.
Your story was very nice
It was so good I read it twice
Ignoring a few spelling errors I could see
It definitely gets a thumbs up from me
.------D.S
8012920 Ich danke Sie fur Ihre nette Worte
I am glad that it was of some worth.
Aww this was really cute. I love that you wrote about the Timberwolves. I've always found them to be very interesting.
8022945 Oui, ils sont such misunderstood creatures.
8022953 They are indeed. It is good to see this more timid/ cute side of them in a story. :)
8022963 Oui, I am glad that you liked it.
8022972 I did indeed.
Wow that was creative... Speechless...
Anyway, you mind explaining to me how you structured your masterpiece?
8057982 I'm not quite sure I know what you mean by your question, but I tried to get it to 1000 words. That was the hardest part. Did I answer it?
8058613 No, what I meant is that you sometimes put the sentences in the middle of the story.
8060268 Oh that's the lullaby that the mother wolf is singing
I like the poetic format that you went with here, very unique and artistically styled. It was a bit of a strange story subject to work with, but it's not too shabby.
I wish it could have been longer with more subsistence, but I understand that with the formatting, it can lead to some pretty grueling work.
Nice work!
8081676 I am glad that you enjoyed it and the style that it was written in. Longer! Are you kidding It was murder getting it where it is right now. I was barely even able to break a thousand words! Though I am working on another lullaby piece, This one with the Pie Family, I might actually be able to get that one long enough.
Wow, this is really good. I can see why getting to 1000 words is hard when the entire thing rhymes.
8136688 It wasn't easy but the end result was worth it in my opinion.
Reviewed by: Captaincool85
Group: A for Effort
Name of Story: A Timberwolf Lullaby
Grammar score: 9/10
Pros:
1) The idea of Timberwolves being kind and loving is a great take, and extremely original
2) The rhyme scheme of this story was very well done
3) The contrast between the mothers calm and the pup's energy was a very nice contrast
Cons:
1) The story should have been set up as a poem instead of story due to the rhyme scheme. Instead of large paragraphs you should have had individual lines/bars/verses
2) You should have put quotation marks around the mothers lullaby to clarify when she was singing
3) There were quite a few places where commas should have been included. Although the only misspelled word I could see was manticore's (you had it spelled mandicores)
Total score: 8.5
Good
8145369 Mandicores is not misspelled it's plural. The italics and centering are enough to infer as well as context of what is being said. The challenge I gave myself was to write prose in poetry format so I think I obtained it. Thank you for your critique. Mandicores may be misspelled do you know the plural spelling for the word?
8145421 Merci beaucoup.
8145864 Manticore's
8146264 doesn't that show ownership or combination of two words while omitting one or more letters such as Bob's house or haven't?
Wonderfuly done.
8201596 Merci what did you like about it?
8201611 The rhyming pattern you used to tell the story, it reminds me of the old story book tales like "Three Men in a Tub". Honestly you have a great skill, have you tried touching on more darker aspects of life?
8201706 I do have a couple of dark stories if that's what your asking.
8202172 Alright.
Oh wow! Long form prose poetry! I love it! There's a few parts where you had near rhymes that I had to read out loud to hear how it rhymed, but that honestly didn't break me out of what I was reading.
I think you did a fantastic job of doing what you set out to do, which was show the timberwolves in a positive light. All creatures in Equestria, from the predators that scare and hunt ponies to the bunnies have families, and I think you did a wonderful job reminding people of that. Plus, I am always a fan of prose poetry done well, and the fact that you combined it with lyric poetry in the form of the lullaby made this piece really stand out to me.
The only thing that threw me off was this:
I think you could delete ', and' to make the sentence flow as "The sun has gone down in the Everfree. Eleven..." The 'and' in that sentence made it feel like you were going to join the two sentences together at one point, but decided not to. To be honest, I think they work better as separate sentences, and it fits the general flow of the prose that you have going on.
Really lovely work. Merci beaucoup pour partages avec moi! (I think I did that right, otherwise my french teacher is screaming softly in the distance)
8960627
I did remove the comma but I can't bring myself to remove the "and". To me it gives the sense of childish whimsy, and innocence I guess I'm not sure how to describe it, but I think the sentence looses something without it. Thank you for your critique though. I am glad that you enjoyed it.
How did you get this summited?
10486020
The normal way??? I don't understand your question.
>>Comrade Bagel Muffin
It has less than 1000 words.
10487284
IDK
10487284
So back when Bagel first posted this there was a bug that counted each new paragraph as a word.
>>Comrade Bagel Muffin
Okay, I have no idea what happened. Did you update this because now it has over 1000 when earlier it had nine hundred ninety something words?
10487378
Yes Cause I thought you were about to report it to the mods and I'd prefer not to lose one of my stories so I figured I'd go ahead and add an extra rhyme there at the end. Just in case.
10487378
Not saying you would just a bit paranoid about my babies.
>>Comrade Bagel Muffin
No, because I need to add 433 more words in order to submit a story that I'm already finished writing.
Awwww...so sweet! I love that the Timberwolves are kind to each other and love zap apples!
I think you misspelled manticore by the way.
11411046
I'm glad you liked it and thank you I'll look into fixing it when I can.
11411104
:)