- Member Since 28th May, 2014
- offline last seen 1 hour ago
ShadowblazeCR
As a writer you ask yourself to dream while you're awake. As an editor you ask yourself how to change a story while leaving it the same.
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Silver Inkwell · 4.4k words · 45 4 · 2.6k views
- ShadowblazeCR · 2.1k words · 16 1 · 153 views
- ShadowblazeCR · 2k words · 80 3 · 2.8k views
- XenoS-Fear · 7.3k words · 37 5 · 3k views
- Harmony Split · 2.9k words · 48 3 · 852 views
- ShadowblazeCR · 17k words · 68 7 · 1.8k views
- Sunny Flare · 2.9k words · 101 13 · 4.9k views
- ShadowblazeCR · 1.3k words · 52 8 · 1.3k views
Featured In25
Shipping 💖11,660 stories ·9,734 members
Clopfics11,535 stories ·15,806 members
The Fillyfoolers3,942 stories ·3,489 members
One-Shots18,886 stories ·2,368 members
Humanized Ponies!5,597 stories ·3,468 members
Octavia Fans1,288 stories ·1,587 members
- Organized Shipping (Most Common)2,158 stories ·1,332 members
- OctaScratch583 stories ·1,613 members
Stats
Page generated in 0.109 seconds
Total duration
747 users online
1,159,355 hits today, 2,561,572 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Who did the cover art for this? Because damn...
Dude we need that cover art for real
Not bad, but you should watch out for "it's" vs "its". Also,
Did you forget in that second paragraph that they were playing volleyball, or was that supposed to be some metaphor (for volleyball?) that flew over my head?
8024715
Ah, oops, my mind was set on an alternate version of strip poker, so I wrote it quite literally.
George Takei after reading this:
8024121
8024034
One of the peeps that I know over in Reviwer's Cafe re-colored their skin and stuff ('cause it used to be yellow) and I both don't know and am too lazy to find the original. So here, just use the actual cover because there's no cropping.
cdn-img.fimfiction.net/story/o15k-1486868130-363959-full
Very well done.
(As far as Octavia Scratch stories go.)
Not the worst, but it has a LOT to be worked on. For starters, there are a few more questions you want to ask yourself before working on a story like this, if making an impact on the reader is indeed a concern or a goal for you.
For starters, the characters seemed bland and mildly OOC, I know, they aren't fully developed bg characters, but their personalities seem bland and washed at best. Perhaps ask this:
"Why does Vinyl want to fuck Octavia? Is she in love with her? Who is Vinyl Scratch as a person? How would she react if she were turned down, or how would she react if Octavia came on to her instead (implying that Vinyl is the one to try and put the moves of Tavi)
These are good ways to plot out loosely what a character is like, it give a more dimensional personality and they seem more like people, and not just porn stars going through the motions.
Next (this is a bit picky pet peeve of mine): Female anatomy and sex. I can't tell you how often I read a fic and vagina's do weird pens things. Vagina's don't squirt. The scene in the beginning with Vinyl squirting so hard that it hit the mirror (which I was imagining was in front her, at LEAST a few feet away, and above her vagina, and managing to hit her tits, which is directly above her vagina, and with such an amount it was more like a yeast infection than cum. Now some people like vagina's that cum like a penis, that's fine and dandy, but realistically a woman will come from the same hole beneath the urethra that hold her G-spot, a rigged lining on the roof of the vagina, the female climax is typically a full body experience that will leave her shuddering in ecstasy for about a minute, at this point a woman might squirt, but that's basically (realistically) a very small amount of vaginal climactic discharge and urine, and is no where near enough to have to gulp down.
Lastly! The sex was very short, but the banter was golden. I wouldn't mind just reading a story of these two flirting and joking together, that would be a great way to develop them to a state of empathy. But again, the sex was short and poorly described. I had no idea what things looked like, or what was were or how, sand didn't cling to anything, and I had to repeal go back and reread parts because something contradicted what happened or what I envisioned was happening.
My final score?
5/10
It's not the worst thing I've ever seen, I've seen some rough fics in my days, but this could stand to get a good working on. Maybe work on these problems first and implement them into your next story, I'm sure it'll help you as much as its helped me!
Happy writing!
Aw, that's it?
You were on a roll here!
~Skeeter The Lurker
I want the full cover image plox
I really like this story. Also , hot beach sex is HOTTTTTT
I liked it a lot, perfect to read in a free time. But I do not know, I feel that the background of the characters was something "vague". Even so, for a one-shot is very good, the jokes were excellent, no doubt I took more than a laugh.
I actually clapped at this.