My Roommate is a Vampire

by Dennis the Menace

Bonus: Jumping the Goddamn Shark (Meta)

Once upon a time there was this Earth pony who played a cello, which is totally lame in every aspect, not to mention that Earth ponies pretty much suck. Anyways, this Earth pony was named Octavia, who was seen like, for maybe five seconds on screen for her cameo and then people got the idea that, "Hey, wait a minute. She's a musician, that wicked cool DJ-Pon3 is a musician, therefore, they should both be lesbians!"

So one day Octavia was like, "My life sucks and my parents don't love me so I'm just going to move in with this DJ because I'm poor and my special talent sucks."

AND SO IT WAS that she moved in with this DJ because she was poor and nopony liked her and she sucked. But then all of a sudden out of nowhere somewhere in between the lines at the bottom of the page in the fine print written in invisible ink Octavia started liking Vinyl Scratch because Vinyl Scratch was cool and wore awesome purple glasses and had a sexy mane that was spiky and blue. But since there would be no plot if Octavia suddenly just, I don't know, confessed her love to the mare because obviously Vinyl Scratch is about a subtle as a goddamn hippo painted in neon colors with Princess Celestia riding on its back wielding a sword when it came to Octavia because Vinyl Scratch also loved Octavia!

But then there was more problems because if there weren't there'd be no story so buck you Vinyl Scratch is now a vampire because logic dictates that vampires make everything cool and it attracts a good audience of Twilight fans and prepubescent girls. Octavia suspects something because she has no life and starts thinking, "Maybe Vinyl Scratch is a vampire!"

DUN DUN DUN.

So then after a whole bunch of plot Octavia comes to the conclusion that Vinyl Scratch is a vampire because if the author tried to stretch it out any longer it would become boring because we all know everyone is there to read the good stuff:

VAMPIRE PONY SEX.

So then Vinyl Scratch bit Octavia on accident and she was very very sorry.

"Oh Octavia I am sorry I just bit you."

Octavia was still bleeding but that was okay because she was losing lots of blood and it was getting all over the bed and she said, "It is okay Vinyl I still love you."

"I love you too."

"Okay let's be lesbians."

"K."

But then there was another problem because parents. And parents don't like Octavia being gay because lesbians. And because parents Vinyl now has excuse to punch the living shit out of Octavia's mom because she is badass.

In any case the story should have ended by now because all problems are solved and we all know that Vinyl Scratch is a vampire except the author wanted BAYSPLOSIONS AND ACTION AND HOOF FIGHTS SO HE MADE OCTAVIA A WEREWOLF SHIT NOT A WEREWOLF I MEAN A WEREPONY WAIT NO LYCAN NOW OCTAVIA IS WHINY EMO BITCH.

Oh no now the story sucks the shark has been jumped because now there are wolves. Bitch you wanna see jumping a shark? I'll jump over goddamn Jaws with a jump rope while singing Winter Wrap Up on a motorcycle riding down a ramp from the top of the moon!

"I'M LYCAN THIS IDEA."

THE AUTHOR IS ON CRUISE CONTROL AND CAN'T STOP okay keyboard fixed anyways because BAYSPLOSIONS we move on and skip past everything which happens to include breaking into a bank, blowing more things up, gunfights, slow motion, club music, and druuuuuuugs.

In the end everypony is happy and the sun is singing and the birds are shining and the flowers are burning and everything is okay because now Octavia and Vinyl can love each other and make out sloppily with lots of tongue action and then everybody is satisfied because they finally got their VAMPIRE PONY SEX EXCEPT WITH A LYCAN THROWN INTO THE MIX OH GOD HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK WATCH OUT FOR THE TEETH

And that's how things would have gone if this were a vampire romance. Happy?

Comments

[Dennis the Menace]

AS PER REQUEST, HERE YOU GO

[BakaBoy]

Latest chapter is absolutely beautiful...
Made me cry tears of laughter

[CosmicCosmo]

4th lol

[Andreas33324]

i3.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/009/832/dafuq-did-i-just-read-meme.jpg
XD

[Mossflower]

ooookay then.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_Sparkle.png

[Cellin]

...
...
...
...May i-
NO!
NO!
FK NO!
Okay! Jeez...

[CIA]

1441770I remember reading this before and I have three words for ya
SO.............FUCKING................META!!!
Thanks to you I have a migraine

[Zarek]

"I'M LYCAN THIS IDEA."

This hurt. Physically hurt. Funny as hell though

[Jay Cruiz]

what the actual blueberry hotel fuck did i just read?

[onsholo]

yes i am very happy with this this chapter is by far the most awesome chapter in all the story

[Blue_Paladin42]

I am in lesbians with this.

Also you forgot the tentacles. (That you wrote out for some reason.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_O_O.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Vinyl_Scratch_lolface.png )

[Crimson ONayl]

YESH. YESH DISH PLEASHES MEH.

[Quantum_Shift]

I'm in lesbians with this chapter.
Also, I hope to see sequel. soon.

[Skacore]

[img]thatschurch.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/tumblr_maq77ecMHG1qejf6u.gif[/img]
10/10 Would read again

[TJAW]

John Freeman who was Gordon Freemans brother was one day in an office typing on a computer. He got an email from his brother that said that aliens and monsters were attacking his place and aksed him for help so he went.

John Freeman got his computer shut down and wet on the platform to go up to the roof of the building where he left his motorcycle and normal people close because he was in his office lab coat. John Freeman got on his motorcycl and said "its time for me to live up to my family name and face full life consequences" so he had to go.

John Freeman ramped off the building and did a backflip and landed. He kept driving down the road and made sure there was no zombies around because he ddint have weapon.

The contrysides were nice and the plants were singing and the birds and the sun was almost down from the top of the sky. the mood was set for John Freemans quest to help his brother where he was. John Freeman looked around the countrysides and said "its a good day to do what has to be done by me and help my brother to defeat the enemys".

John Freeman was late so he had to drive really fast. A cop car was hiden near by so when John Freeman went by the cops came and wanted to give him a ticket. Here John Freeman saw the first monster because the cop was posessed and had headcrabs.

"I cant give you my lisense officer" John Freeman said

"Why not?" said the headcrab oficer back to John Freeman.

"Because you are headcrab zombie" so John Freeman shot the oficer in the head and drove off thinking "my brother is in trouble there" and went faster.

John Freeman had to go faster like the speed of sound and got there fast because Gordon needed him where he was. John Freeman looked at road signs and saw "Ravenholm" with someons writing under it saying "u shudnt come here" so John Freeman almost turned around but heard screaming like Gordon so he went faster again.

John Freeman drove in and did another flip n jumped off his motorbike and the motor bike took out some headcrab zombies infront of John Freeman. John Freeman smiled and walked fast. John Freeman then looked on the ground and found wepon so he pickd it up and fired fast at zombie goasts in front of a house.

John Freeman said "Zombie goasts leave this place" and the zombie goasts said "but this is our house" and John Freeman felt sorry for them becaus they couldnt live there anymore because they were zombie goasts so he blew up the house and killed the zombie goasts so they were at piece.

Then John Freeman herd another scream from his brother so he kept walking really faster to get where he was. Ravenholdm was nothing like the countrysides there was no birds singing and the pants were dead and teh dirt was messy and bloody from headcrabs.

When John Freeman got to where the screaming was started from he found his brother Gorden Freeman fightin the final bosss and Gordon said "John Freeman! Over here!" so John Freeman went there to where Gordon Freeman was fighting. John Freeman fired his bullet from teh gun really fast and the bullets went and shot the final boss in the eyes and the final boss couldnt see.

Gordon Freeman said "its time to end this ones and for all!" and punched the final boss in the face and the final boss fell. John Freeman said "thanks i could help, bro" and Gordon Freeman said "you should come here earlier next time" and they laughed.

The laughed overed quickly though because John Freeman yelled "LOOK OUT BRO!" and pointed up to the top of the sky. Gordon Freeman looked up and said "NOO! John Freeman run out of here fast as you can!" and John Freeman walked real fast out.

John Freeman loked back and saw Gordon get steppd on by the next boss and he was mad and angry.

"I'll get you back evil boss!" John Freeman yelled at the top of lungs.

[Something Eight]

24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m9p3k61fXD1r64ufmo1_400.gif
pinkie.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/134282576853.gif
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This was GLORIOUS.

[The Fiery Joker]

What?

[SigmatheAwesome]

This feels more like a ridiculously silly summary than whatever it's supposed to be

[Zninja94]

I think i remember this as a blog post.

[danabler42]

Every time you add something to this story, be it this.......thing, it still hits the feature box every time.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia2.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Vinyl_Scratch.png

[Magistar]

DRUNKEN CLIFF'S NOTES.

[Parchment_Scroll]

Oh god I can't stop laughing please help call 911 send an ambulance cant breathe oh god
dl.dropbox.com/u/87357455/Reactions/Rainbow%20Dash/animated%20laughing%20rainbow_dash%20spike.gif

[Octarain85]

Oh god XD that's just...dafuq?

[Anubis Nox]

I'll jump over goddamn Jaws with a jump rope while singing Winter Wrap Up on a motorcycle riding down a ramp from the top of the moon!

Done it before....

[ed2481]

I'm LYCAN all these lesbians

[MissytheAngle]

I'm crying de womanly tears; so freakin' beautiful! I love you, dude.

[Teal-Tome]

24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbpiszWWHw1r05905o1_400.jpg

[Caimotto1]

I literally woke everyone my house from laughing so hard at this!

[Frankie]

This most definitely was jumping the shark. What the heck was this anyway?

[chavis54]

1441891full life consequences?

[jokerpony]

static.stuff.co.nz/1348614277/233/7731233.jpg

[VINYLSCRATCHWUB]

I tried to read this as serious as possible, but I just couldn't stop laughing.

[Lunar-Flare]

... this is absolutely insane.

[RF and AG]

static1.fjcdn.com/thumbnails/comments/Potatooo+D+It+all+makes+sense+now+_26053e38ff1f48ad59ce07d316e06979.jpg
static3.fjcdn.com/comments/..Butt+Stallion.+It+all+makes+sense+now+_8723d0c49f6ad56b10aa07bb8fd6b25e.jpg

[supervanman64]

This fic in a nutshell! :P

Not saying it's a bad thing...because I actually enjoyed this fic. XD

[CharmingChaos]

What? Another bonus?
OMC YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES (etc)
This just literally made my day.
EDIT: Also, I am laughing my head off (honestly - somepony call 911, it's painful) and my parents are looking at me weird because for once I am in the den watching the baseball game instead of sitting in my loft like the lifeless little bitch I am. I think they might think I am insane because I keep randomly bursting out laughing at ponies.

[stardust flare]

WIN (that is all)

[Juria]

This is absolutely hilarious!

[Brother_Thorn]

[SilentSounds]

Ha! I had missed this chapter after it was taken down! I'm glad to see it back up. Again, had me laughing the entire time.

[Mileau]

This right here is exactly why this is the third most favorited story on FimFiction.

...I couldn't help but read this in the Powerthirst voice.

[DianaWinters]

BWAHAHHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You please Wolf... i.imgur.com/rx9S9.png (If you comment on my icons 1 more time, iloveportalz... I will kill you...)
Featured again i.imgur.com/Mguzg.png

i.imgur.com/j4Nnv.png ~Wolf
diu vivere in lupus imperium!

[Lucefudu]

I tried... Odin knows that I've tried. But once Octavia becomes a ponywolf (because werepony isn't what you might be imagining it is), the train made a sharp turn to the left at 320 km/h and derailed completely. The way this is written also took the break handle and tossed it out the window, twirling its metaphorical evil mustache all the while.
So far I've seen a lot of TaviScratch storied getting featured. But the only one who deserved it was Allegrezza.

3/10

[Derpy_Dragon]

[Deesh]

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[Personifire]

That sounds like a good plot summary, yeah.

[Dragon Angel Knight]

1441770

That guy.... was being a jerk. Still, I believe everyone here got the point of this update, and that was to make fun of the guy that said this was meta. Good job

[Dan-heron]

there's too much lesbian to be a proper chapter.

You should rewrite it, because there weren't enough lesbian tho

[Spectrumancer]

What the bicycle is this and why can't I stop giggling?

[Georgia Sparkle]

I'm getting such a raging clue from these bonus chapters. They are amazing.