- Member Since 16th Nov, 2014
- offline last seen Mar 30th, 2023
Regis-Th3-Lesser
<---- Falco Judging your cringe
Regis-Th3-Lesser
Joined 16th Nov, 2014 ·
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Sequels1
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Regis-Th3-Lesser · 38k words · 139 12 · 4k views
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Nice story, have a like.
Has also good potential for a sequel though.
7944571 Thank you. I set it up in the hopes I do plan a sequel at a later time
Were you glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife?
7944799
Huh?
The romance is nice I guess but my entire focus was on Ember's problem running her kingdom, The problem to me seems that she's trying too hard to be like Equestria instead of trying to find a different way to rule her kingdom another one is that she's too weak both pshyically and emotional dragons seems to respect strength and Ember seems to be lacking in it or she's not using it.
7944813
Really that's why I left it open to another story based off the governmental struggle that she's been going through. I agree with what you said and I'm glad that you picked u on the several parts where she admits that even though they hated each other, under Torch they listened.
It's too early to tell what I'm thinking about this going forward but I most definitely am brainstorming.
Hehe great just er one thing can you make a quick epilogue chapter of someone walking in on them in the morning
7944833
With all the noise they made who's to say that they're all still sleeping
7944810
Son, I am dissapoint.
There still is a lot of work to do, trying to get the Dragon Lands into shape, but Ember and Spike ought to be a lot more stress-free.
Satisfaction!
The best way to relieve some tension. Definitely feels like there should be more though
It's great but it felt like it could because multi- chapter story.
7945955
I did set up the plot with that in mind. I may have something but there are no promisses right now
It was really good and could in fact be a multi-story.
Complete? Really? This seems like only half a story AT LEAST! I mean, what will happen in the morning? How will the others react (I'm not just talking about the main six) ? What about the whole issue she brought him/them there in the first place for? What if Spike really was all she needed to help? What differences are there between dragon and pony mating rituals? Will Spike choose to stay with his love and leave his family so far away?
And those are just the first things I thought about!
7946361
7946568
Then I suppose there's no more second guessing it then. I have to expand on this story
7946589 thank yous! *hugs*
7946589
YES>>
7946589
Now this I can get behind
"Maybe it was a lucky shot or maybe it was precision"
Or maybe its maybelline!
Anyway unresolved government issues aside I liked it, hope to see more.
Really needs to be at least another chapter, I would love to see an actual story from this.
This was awesome. I did notice one mishap in the story however:
I hope you meant shot, because if not, then that is interesting phrasing you are using. Again, this is amazing
7947924
Just when you thought you caught every typo
Thanks for pointing that out...
7944799
I couldn't have said it better myself.
7947959 No problem. Glad I could help, and it happens to us all :)
I love this story! I mean, I pretty much love anything that involves Ember nowadays but this is really great! Would love to see more of this in the future too!
Featured in 56 groups? Damn son.
7949518
You gotta get the word out when you have a new story. And from what I can tell it worked
Then what happen?
dude you have to make a story off this......and all I can say is this two things
7950488
I have the first 1.5k words written already
In the language of my people
"PUTANG INA BITIN!!"
Translates as :
[swear word ] "not enough/cliffhanger!?" or bitin directly meaning "lack of.."
What im saying is that this story was great and holy shit i need moar
What if they have sex every day in secret?
7953549
Heh, needs a second chapter with the breakfast after, and all the ponies looking at their food, after having been woken up by Ember's screaming last night
7965237
I will now point you to the Sequel that was made.
Oh hey, look. It's the Sequel I just mentioned.
What exactly does this "story" have to do with America?
It was really good... right up until she throws up. That really took me out of the narrative.
8094393
I have no excuse
I'll get you your feedback within 24 hours.
Check it out, I got it all done in under 24 hours.
All reread. Now to preface this with the biggest issue in this entire story...
e.lvme.me/ful7on5.jpg
Oh, and when presenting a letter or a text, you can use the site's quote function to distinguish it.
Now that's done, I'll go into more detail.
If there's one thing you do well, Freesh, it's write personalities into your characters. We immediately know who everyone is. Everything from Ember's attitude to Spike's friendliness is immediately related without needing to directly tell the audience, because you let us now it through effective dialogue and narration. I haven't been able to read too much of the rest of your library yet, but from what I have seen, you are a dialogue heavy writer. Luckily for you, you are one of those people who can write dialogue that can hold up a story with some support.
This heavy dependence on what is basically solid dialogue does mar your ability to write vivid action, however. To rephrase it, it's not that the action, sexual, in this case, is bad, it's that it's not your strong point. While it is orders of magnitude better than the oceans of clop that's pretty much "He put his stallionhood in her mare bits and started thrusting. It felt good. She came and then he did." I think what's missing are strong sensory detail and imagery. Describing Ember's feelings of having Spike inside her were good. Alternatively, if you don't want to play the scene up for porn and instead focus on the emotional aspects, you could say more of what makes it meaningful to the characters. Describing that the sex made Ember happy, fulfilled, and relieved her stress was good for this. If you could continue these emotional or sensory tidbits throughout the sex, that would work wonders to engage the reader in the action. Personally, given your writing style, The sex scene is a touch on the bland side; nothing wrong with that, but it followed the generic clopfic checklist of oral1-orgasm1-oral2-orgasm2-sex-orgasm3-sex-orgasms4&5. It's very much a safe way of writing a clopfic, going through having one character get head, then the other, and then having sex where both get to cum again. And just like in porn, everything feels great and everyone gets to their happy place quickly and easily and just at the perfect moment. You should give the clopfics by Cobalt Drake a try -- he structures the sex pretty similarly to how you do it. I also think you would be well served by putting more dialogue into the sex. It would also have the effect of making the scene take up more space, thereby making it feel more like the big climax it actually is, as well as putting what you do best in the very most important sequence of the entire fic, as well as making the sex stand out as being a hump with a twist.
You did well on character interactions. Certain characters were handled well, especially Ember, Spike, and Twilight. The banter between these last two was very good and I'd absolutely read a fic where you focus on them living together, going about their business, and toying with each other in ways that only really close friends can. The other mane 6 really didn't do anything and felt like they really weren't needed in the story. I've gone through a few of your fics, and I've noticed that you tend to overcrowd some of your stories. Your core characters get written really well, but the side characters get underwritten, or worse, underwritten and underused, yet overexposed. To put it this way, imagine a really awesome concert where the headliner occasionally goes off stage, leaving the audience with roadies issued instruments like the Rohanese civilians at Helm's Deep. You actually have a problem with writing such good exchanges for your focus characters that your side characters simply fail to impress.
Your story is paced very well. Seriously, well done on this; you'd be surprised how many writers can completely butcher this. Nothing is too short or too long, except maybe the sex scene, but just keep in mind that whether or not that's the right length is a matter of opinion. Since sex wasn't the primary focus of the story, you can absolutely get away with it being relatively brief. If porn is the main focus of a story, don't be afraid to let it eat up a significant chunk of the word count.
If there's any last issue with this fic, it's that it's a political story that somehow suddenly becomes about Spike and Ember deciding to do like they do on the Discovery Channel. Throughout the story, the rising action is that Ember is getting increasingly frustrated by how impossible it is to rule her country, and help fix the issues with governance, she invites in her Equestrian friends. At no point do we get the idea that she's troubled by libido or loneliness, y'know, in dire need of vitamin D. This makes the finale, a sex scene, feel disconnected from the primary plot, which is Ember having a hard time ruling well. Now, if the sex scene didn't end the story but instead lead to a short bit where they talk things over and Spike agrees to help her with being the Dragon Lord, bringing his knowledge and education with him, as well as his experience in helping Twilight and possibly Celestia for much of his life, that would have perfectly brought the two different plot threads together into one unified conclusion, which is a master stroke in writing clop. I'm sure you'll nail it next time; you're almost there already.
Your work on dragon culture is interesting and gives a sense that there is more to see and learn. I laughed out loud at Ember being asked by one drake to use her queenly womanly wiles to help him with his marital problems and bitchslapping him. Now, you've made an excellent choice by exploring this more in the sequel, and interestingly, I think making the sex implied in the sequel is also a good choice, as it allows you to focus more on your strengths as an author.
To help with your action, put in more participles -- verbs that end with ing. These improve the flow of a text and accelerate reading while giving the impression that more is going on at once. It creates a vivid, kinetic field. Honestly, I think you just need practice.
The plot is done nicely. We get to see Ember's problems and frustrations in strong detail, meaning that her asking for help makes sense both to the characters and the audience. We then get to see Ponyville and the arrival of the letter. Then everyone goes to Afgha- I mean Dragon Land, and learn from Ember what's going on. They then settle on a plan and some attraction happens. Then the main two characters end up together and sex happens. This is a basic yet solid plot. There are no holes in it, nor are there inexplicable cutaway scenes or leaps of logic. If basic storytelling is plot, character, and setting, you have it down. All that remains is to keep practicing. All in all, I see the potential in you and I gave this story my upvote.
That was really good. I love romance and I love this pairing.
Great story, and a great read!
This was a wild and awesome story.