• Published 10th Feb 2017
  • 14,283 Views, 201 Comments

Let Her In - TooShyShy

It's cold outside and all Fluttershy wants is for Apple Bloom to let her in.

  • ...

It's Cold Out Here

Night One

A hoof tapped against the window panes.

It was four in the morning and Fluttershy was standing outside of Apple Bloom’s bedroom window. Her eyes were blank and her smile slight enough to go virtually unnoticed. As Apple Bloom turned her head toward the window, Fluttershy raised a hoof and tapped against the glass again. She mouthed four words, her mouth barely moving.

“It’s cold out here.”

Apple Bloom pulled the covers over her head. She listened to the creaks and groans of the house settling. It would be dawn soon.

The tapping started again.

Night Two

Fluttershy was standing outside of the window again. Her eyes didn’t look quite right, but Apple Bloom would have been at a loss if asked to describe how. The dark red stain across the left side of Fluttershy’s face contrasted harshly with her normally bright fur. She again tapped on the glass, again mouthed those four words.

“It’s cold out here.”

It was not cold. If anything, it was an unusually warm spring night.

Apple Bloom pulled the covers up to her muzzle. A part of her wanted to open the window and let Fluttershy in. Yet there was that whisper at the back of her young mind. “No,” some part of Apple Bloom’s brain said. “Do not open the window.” So she merely sat there, staring into Fluttershy’s slightly-off eyes.

Sleep seemed a remote possibility, but eventually it came. Apple Bloom dozed off just as the tapping stopped.

Night Three

That night, Apple Bloom dreamed of toys. Not merely toys in general, but familiar plush or wooden faces from her childhood. She saw the wooden dolls Granny Smith had given her. The hand-me-downs from Big Macintosh and Applejack were also there, although they looked dingier than Apple Bloom remembered. She found herself digging through what seemed to be an unending pile of toys.

What am I looking for? Apple Bloom wondered.

Apple Bloom decided a minute later it must be King Paws, her favorite teddy bear. She remembered loving him immensely when she was a foal. But why couldn’t she find him? Surely he must be somewhere. Surely this relic of Apple Bloom’s foalhood was not so easily buried.

But King Paws hadn’t been buried, had he? He had gone missing. He had vanished from her life one spring night. And Apple Bloom had never been quite the same since.

With this realization, Apple Bloom started to sob. This rush of emotion yanked her out of her dream.

Fluttershy was standing outside the window again. Clutched in her mouth was a tattered old teddy bear.

Night Four

Apple Bloom slept in Applejack’s bed that night. She made up some excuse about “nightmares”, horribly aware of how immature she sounded. But her big sister was more than willing to switch bedrooms for the night. And of course Apple Bloom could not tell her the real reason she was so distraught.

Lying in bed, Apple Bloom started thinking about her foalhood for some reason. She recalled bright eyes peering out from an open wardrobe, shadows slinking across the floor, a husky sigh as she approached sleep. But those were not memories, were they? Surely they were simply the remnants of past bad dreams.

Applejack complained of a headache the next morning, but otherwise was none the worse for wear.

Night Five

Apple Bloom was alone in the house. Her siblings and grandmother had left the premises, the former due to a last minute order and the latter due to some business with a distant relative. They would not be back until late the next day.

Prior to bed, Apple Bloom locked all the doors and windows in the house. She made a bed for herself on the living room couch. And as one final precaution, Apple Bloom took an old garden hoe from the barn. She laid it next to her makeshift bed within hoof’s reach.

It was raining outside. Apple Bloom listened to the raindrops splattering against the roof as she dozed off. Occasionally she was convinced she heard something else. A footstep? A bang? A whisper? No, it was her imagination. Or perhaps the wind. Apple Bloom snuggled deeper under the blanket.

More noises. They sounded as if they were coming from her bedroom. But that was impossible. The window was closed.

But was it closed?

Apple Bloom sat up, her heart pounding. She thought her locking down of the house had been through. But hadn’t she intentionally avoided her bedroom, trusting the window to be closed? Yet anypony in her family could have opened it prior to their leaving.

Even more noises. Banging and perhaps footsteps. And Apple Bloom was now certain they were coming from her room. She clutched the blanket, quivering. What was she to do? Investigate? Flee? But what if it really was her imagination and the window was firmly shut? If so, stepping out of the house might put her in more danger.

Apple Bloom threw off the blanket and dropped to the floor. She had to know. Perhaps she was trotting to her own death, but it was better than simply waiting for some unknown horror to grab her. Apple Bloom took the garden hoe in her mouth before she headed up the stairs.

The house was silent, but Apple Bloom was not fooled. She approached her bedroom with caution. A part of her expected the door to fly open and for some awful creature to pounce. But having a weapon of sorts made Apple Bloom feel brave. Brave enough to gently push the door open without hesitation.

The window was open. The wind—it was now practically howling—was slapping sheets of rain and leaves into the room. Judging by the twigs and leaves that had accumulated under the window, it had been open for a while.

But the open window was not the part that made Apple Bloom pause. It was not the cause of the scream that climbed halfway up her throat. She saw it within seconds. And once she did, Apple Bloom thanked Celestia she had not stepped into the room.

Something was in Apple Bloom’s bed. A pony-shaped lump was visible under the covers. It was moving, its chest rising and falling with every breath. Apple Bloom thought she smelled something rotting and dusty, like the pages of a very old book. But she could have imagined it.

Apple Bloom did not move. Neither did the creature, save for its breathing. Apple Bloom realized the creature did not seem to realize she was there. It did not stir as she stood frozen in the doorway. Nor did the wind and rain seem to disturb it.

Apple Bloom eventually left the room, quietly shutting the door behind her. She went back downstairs, slower this time as not to make too much noise.

Apple Bloom ended up spending the night in the barn. When her family returned and demanded an explanation, she made up some half-believable story about a burglar. She refused to return to the house until all the rooms had been searched. As Apple Bloom had expected, no signs of a break-in were found, save for the open window in her bedroom.

Apple Bloom returned to her bedroom after the search was complete. Other than a few dry leaves and the lingering smell of decay, there was no indication of anything having slept in her bed. However, Apple Bloom found that one of the dresses in her wardrobe was covered with dirt and what appeared to be a single bloody hoofprint.

Apple Bloom burned the dress in the fireplace later that day.

Night Six

Apple Bloom stayed up all night. She was sleepy to the point of near-madness, but she refused to tear her eyes from the window.

Fluttershy was watching her yet again. This time she held a single piece of ripped cloth in her mouth. It was from the dress Apple Bloom had burnt. Apple Bloom had buried the remains of it in the yard.

Apple Bloom thought of the eyes and the shadows that seemed to have haunted her early foalhood. She was now convinced she had also heard scratching noises and perhaps tapping. But memories and nightmares had become interchangeable as of late. Apple Bloom was not wholly convinced they were not one in the same.

The two sat locked in what seemed to be a staring contest until morning came. As soon as Celestia’s light poked its way through the clouds, Fluttershy turned and trotted away.

Apple Bloom did not get up from her bed. It was minutes before she at last gave into slumber.

Night Seven

Applejack had found the remains of the dress and demanded to know why Apple Bloom was burning her clothes. She also asked Apple Bloom about her apparent sleeping troubles and her hostility towards Fluttershy.

Apple Bloom confessed nothing. She made excuses that were far from plausible. Apple Bloom did not care if her sister was satisfied or not. A part of her hoped Applejack would send her away, perhaps to a relative’s house. At least Apple Bloom would be far away from this nightmare if that happened.

But Applejack had not sent her away. Apple Bloom was certain Applejack was consulting Big Macintosh over the matter, but for the time being she was forced into another staring contest with Fluttershy—or whatever loathsome creature wore Fluttershy’s face—outside her window.

Fluttershy pressed her hooves against the window. Her eyes seemed larger than they should have been. She appeared mournful, as if denied some great conquest.

Apple Bloom could only stare for so long before she turned away.

Fluttershy mouthed those familiar words again.

“It’s cold out here,” she mouthed.

Apple Bloom stuck her head underneath the covers. She did not hear Fluttershy tapping at the window, but that mournful face had taken over her thoughts.

Night Eight

Apple Bloom thought she might have been sleepwalking the previous night. For she had not awakened in her bed, but curled up in front of the closed window.

Enough is enough, Apple Bloom thought as she lay in bed.

It might have seemed like a brave proclamation, but in truth Apple Bloom was terrified. She again did not sleep, her eyes focused on the creature outside of her window.

Fluttershy returned Apple Bloom’s stare, smiling and licking her lips.

Night Nine

Earlier, Apple Bloom had overheard her older siblings talking about doctors. She was aware they planned to send her to one. Whatever her siblings planned to do, Apple Bloom was confident her troubles would end soon enough.

Apple Bloom opened her window that night. She waited until the sun had almost sunk below the trees before she did so. Her family had dozed off a little while ago. Confident she was the only sleepless soul in the house, Apple Bloom left her bedroom and went downstairs.

In the kitchen, Apple Bloom procured an old gas lamp. She also took the sharpest kitchen knife she could find from the drawer. Far more useful than the garden hoe she’d chosen last time. But in this case the purpose was not mere defense.

Apple Bloom waited until darkness had truly fallen. Then she crept back to her room, the gas lamp held precariously in one hoof and the knife handle in her mouth. Apple Bloom nudged the door open inch by inch, careful to minimize any noise she made.

The creature was again lying in Apple Bloom’s bed, the outline of its form underneath the covers. Apple Bloom placed the gas lamp on the floor. She froze as it touched the floorboards with the slightest thump. But she saw no evidence of the creature awakening at the sound. Apple Bloom held back a sigh of relief.

Apple Bloom waited a few more minutes to ascertain that the thing was asleep. She then approached the bed, knife still clutched tightly in her mouth. She was shaking, but she refused to hesitate in this moment of action. Apple Bloom reached the side of the bed and gently pressed both hooves against it. She eased herself up, carefully pulling herself onto the bed next to the creature.

And then the creature moved. It was only a slight shift, as if it was trying to get comfortable. But it was enough to completely destroy Apple Bloom’s nerve.

Apple Bloom dropped the knife, a squeak of terror flying out of her mouth. She pressed both hooves against her mouth, but it was far too late.

The creature seemed to sense Apple Bloom was near. It moved in one swift, jerky motion, arching its back and bending its head in a way no normal pony could have managed. The creature gave a long growl, its body appearing to convulse as it threw the covers from it.

Apple Bloom screamed, leaping from the bed.

The creature leaped from the bed as well, moving in a way similar to a spider. It still resembled Fluttershy, but its neck was bent at an unnatural angle as if broken. Its head was bent to one side and upside down. It regarded Apple Bloom with its upside-down grin, a grin extending far past what should have been possible. Its tongue hung limply from one side of its mouth like that of an excited dog. It was panting in eagerness.

Applejack rushed into the room, a gas lamp in her hoof.

“What the hay is going on?” Applejack said breathlessly.

But Apple Bloom could only whimper, pointing a hoof at the creature that now stood in silent triumph near the window.

Applejack’s eyes widened with bemusement and horror.

“What in tarnation?” Applejack gasped.

The creature moved its neck again, adjusting its head to a more normal position. Its face no longer even vaguely resembled Fluttershy. It instead had morphed into some twisted mockery of the shy pony’s face, the mouth stretched even farther, the pupils smaller than pinpricks. It was breathing heavily, a tongue at least a foot long hanging from its gaping maw.

Applejack tossed the gas lamp at the creature. It shattered upon impact, setting the vile thing on fire.

All at once the creature’s twisted face rearranged itself. It now became a more accurate representation of Fluttershy. The flames started to engulf it immediately. A scent not unlike that of sulfur rose as patches of its fur hastily burned away. The creature objected loudly, alternating between screams eerily similar to those of Fluttershy and deep screeches not unlike that of a tortured bird. The fur and flesh burned away at an unnatural rate, the screams and screeches continuing long after they should have ended. The last to surrender to the inferno was the light pink mane.

After a few moments, all that remained was a charred skeleton.


Apple Bloom and Applejack did not speak to each other. Neither spoke a word of the incident, even after Applejack had buried the body in a secluded part of the farm. In fact, they both took the secret to their graves.

Apple Bloom never again slept with her window open, even on particularly hot nights. Eventually she was able to resume regular interaction with the real Fluttershy, although it took months before she could look her in the eye. And for a while after that, Apple Bloom would shudder every time Fluttershy smiled. The creature’s smile would haunt her for the remainder of her days.

Occasionally, on nights when it is particularly cold and the wind is close to howling, Apple Bloom will swear she hears a tapping at her window. But she never gets up to check. She merely snuggles deeper under her covers, willing herself to enter dreamland quicker.

But it is a little harder to ignore the voice. It whispers to her, seemingly inches away from her ear. It sounds very much like Fluttershy.

“It’s cold down here.”

Author's Note:

Directly inspired by the cover art, which I found randomly while surfing Derpibooru. The story practically wrote itself (over a period of weeks anyway).

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Comments ( 200 )

i like it but id like it more if i had a clue as to what the creature was or represented instead of just some random creature taking a known form

Im not joking when i say this but i am was actuall really scared from that you my friend are a good horror syory writer

7938123 It felt like a changeling, did it not?

7938150 you think so? i was getting a monster vibe with the bloody face and decaying and rotting smell and i cant be scared if theres no myth or legend to add background to said creature now if it had stayed away and they sent applebloom to a mental institute then id be scared cause i hate those with a fiery passion you know strapped to a bed raving she's fine with the rest of the family watching her go through the doors of the hospital and the doors slam shut cutting off her screams im scaring myself just typing this

7938176 No no no no no no no. That would just be creepy. I scared myself reading that. You can't get legitimately scared reading a book. You can get creeped out, but not scared. I will admit it felt like something that would be scary if this was a movie and the jump scares were perfect, though. No need for information on the background. That just makes it even less believable. It feels like a scary campfire story, no? I would be more scared of stuff like that if it was happening currently. Now that would be something creepy. Getting news reports of ponies disappearing with no sign of an attacker, supposed sightings of the beast, ponies going in, and never coming out, police investigations turning up nothing despite the one who experienced it acting more and more like it has to be there. The pony going mad with worry until everyone finally finds out and gets the scare of their lives. Stuff like that.

That right there is a damn good ghost story.

Not a huge fan of creepy stuff, but this is a good story.

Uhm, ok? Without context, I can't really feel anything other than "Wut?"

I just realized now that this story would make for a great m night shyamalan film just think about it the entire film is suspense and a few scares then one big scare right but what really makes it a m night film is the twist at the end that the monster is not dead am i right

This is a good story, definitely got goosebumps from it.

Oh jeez, that was unnerving. The execution on this was great. I was expecting the usual horror stories, more words, more information, more thoughts, but no, doing it in this form majorly upped that creep factor!

It's another horror story where the monster is or looks like Fluttershy. That's really all that can be said.

2 Spo0py 4 me

I dunno how to feel about this story. The descriptions are well written, but the events and ending lackluster. Most horror stories toe the line between allowing the reader/viewer to stew in the unknown, but there is generally at least a reason.
A family moves into a haunted house. Their grandmother made a deal with the devil sixty years ago. Its always something in the background, some sort of... reason. We don't know the end result. Why Applebloom? To eat her? To abduct her? I don't know, but it leaves you unsatisfied. The mystery is there, but there is too much and it doesn't give the reader enough to be truly afraid. Even a shadow has an outline, sorta thing, you know?
Beyond that, why Fluttershy? Why don't Applejack and Applebloom speak of it?
Finally, my last point is that the writing itself seems kinda disjointed. Very abrupt between the entries, I suppose. It feels as though its a diary format with it skipping from night to night, but the perspective is obviously just first person with timeskips. Maybe some filler between it and how it affected her day to day? Seeing Fluttershy at the market? I don't know.
Altogether, it was well written, and what we've read of the monster makes it creepy, (especially the description of the musky book smell or of sulpher) but without the context, it falls kinda flat.

7938397 gotta agree. We don't come away knowing anything more about whatever it was. Its motivations aren't even clear, given that it seemed content to just sleep in her bed the first time it got in. There's also the question of why Apple Bloom didn't even try talking to anyone, including Applejack, including after the confrontation.

But. Huge butts here. :trollestia: Congratulations on getting featured! Also, there's good tension and creep-factor. The story was effective at making me want to keep reading, and the ending was even creepier.


So, I'm gonna go on a bit about horror here, 'cause it's my favorite genre, and I see potential in this.
This was an interesting story. You've got a good base idea, and the imagery is interesting and scary in all the right ways.
What's really holding this story back (or at least, what I consider to be holding it back) is that it's very overt.
What really, really separates a great horror story from a creepy campfire tale in text form is subtlety. The hidden undercurrents of the story, the hints the author drops in the buildup, the things that you pick up on a second reading. The little details that slowly build up into a complete, or almost complete, picture of what is actually going on, beyond all the monsters and the creepy imagery. It's a hidden level of depth that the reader, even if the they can't quite piece the puzzle together, will appreciate. Horror works best when there are at least two stories going on.
You have a few elements that would be perfect for this, like the dress, Apple Bloom's half-remembered foalhood nightmares, her teddy bear. But it doesn't seem like you're utilizing them (unless I've completely missed something, which is always a possibility). There's no connecting thread between them, and they don't appear to be relevant.
As it is, it's just the monster and nothing else, and that makes the story feel a bit shallow.

7938850 First of all, thanks for the constructive criticism. I've always kind of struggled with horror as a genre in my writing, despite being a huge fan of it.

Secondly, what I was going for (although I don't think I quite pulled it off) was the implication that this creature had been stalking Apple Bloom for a while and that it had some odd, disturbing obsession with her (hence its taking of her possessions, sleeping in her bed, etc.). It took the form of someone she trusted (Fluttershy) in the hopes of luring her out to kidnap her.

In hindsight, I probably should have fleshed it out a bit more to make these things clear. I might give this a full re-write at some point in the future.

It's cold on the internet...


7939097 See, that's great! I agree in regards fleshing that point out; there's not quite enough there to convey it properly. Even just having the creature do something like calling out or mouthing Apple Bloom's name as it dies, possibly while trying to crawl towards her, would help immensely.

Another thing you might want to consider if you do come back to this (as several people have already discussed) is why the creature has that obsession. I don't know if you had any ideas for that already, but it could be something as simple as it watching Apple Bloom playing with her family, as an example. It sees her being happy and loved, and its primitive mind decides it wants that as well.

Regardless, you've done a good job here! Horror's quite a difficult genre in general, but if you keep at it I bet you could turn out something amazing.


7939114 Geez mate, that's a long comment. Perhaps it would be more convenient for everyone if you took that and put it into a blog post, then posted a link to the blog in the comments?

Master of suspense, mate. Been a while since I had so good a spook. 10/10. If I was going to nit-pick, though, I'd say don't give such a generic description of the monster at the big reveal. It'd be so much better if we only got vague details about what it's supposed to be, and you left the rest up to our frightened brains to insert spooks where details fail us. At least, that's my two bits.

Another idea you could try is having Applebloom turn out to be the monster all along, or at least have her going insane. It would explain a few of her stranger actions in this, and could be a fun read, but I'm not here to write your story for you.

7939217 There's actually a group for Reading Sins. In fact, here's my Reading Sins for this story.

7939097 I wouldn't rewrite it. There should always be some uncertainty in stories like this. Even if you give the creature too much backstory and explain its motivations, you would detract from the fear. Leave it as hints. The uncertainty always makes horror more frightening, as knowing what's going on gives us a foothold whereby we can come to terms with the situation.
Just look at the horror film Night of the Demon. When it was released in America, they added a sequence at the end where you actually saw the demon, and instantly it became less scary. Even though it was a thirty foot tall monster with huge claws from which there was no escape, it wasn't scary anymore.

7939114 Your name is "Mister Original" but you're taking the idea from CinemaSins and trying to apply it to this fic? Not to mention it's really long for a comment to the point where nobody so far is appreciate it?

this is pretty good. I was skeptical about this at first (mostly because it seemed like it was going to be so overly clichéd from reading the Description of it) but you managed to make a pretty decent horror story. It's not perfect, but I still enjoyed it.

Now this is creepy! One thing I have to say though is that you should have added a little more suspense to it, otherwise it's good.

God I hate Mimics... Scary lil shits, those things.

God damn read this at half past midnight, no sleep for me.

7939548 No-one likes you. CinemaSins can pull it off because people *go to him* for that, if you start spouting random idiocy over everything, people downvote. Keep criticism constructive or don't criticise.

7939930 Spouting off about how I haven't gotten to you proves I have.

A general rule with people who dislike you- if you reply, they win.

I'm the kind of person who has a hard time with these stories because they always have that obvious solution that would end the story too early.

:applecry: Applejack, somepony keeps sneaking up to my second floor window and is trying to coerce me into letting them in the house.
:applejackunsure: What?
:applecry: And its really creeping me out.
:applejackunsure: Is it the same pony every time? Who is it?
:applecry: If you come in my room maybe an hour after bed I can show you.

This even applies to the end of the story. They defeat the monster and tell no one about it because...why? I mean, you live down the street from a forest FULL of monsters. So nobody's going to be surprised if you tell them you were attacked by a creepy-ass monster. Maybe if the remains looked too pony-like and they were worried people might mistake them for murderers?

My solution would be for the creature to appear more randomly. If the monster is too predictable its too easily defeated. If the thing appears twice, leaves for a day, comes back, leaves for a week, then haunts you for a straight week, then it becomes harder to prove it's existence to others because you can't be sure it will appear when you need it to.

Their's also the question "Why doesn't AB just ask her friends to help her move her dresser in front of the window?" I'm sure that would raise some questions among the apple family but I'm sure they'd rather Applebloom be slightly weird and awake instead of slightly weird and half dead from exhaustion.

Another solution would be to have this monster stalk someone who lives alone and NOT within hearing distance of a mini-clydesdale and a Rodeo Champion. I'd recommend Rainbow Dash for that as she is also a pegasus and has the sort of pride that would make asking for help a lot more difficult.

7939965 Sometimes you gotta admit that you didn't pull off whatever it was you were trying to do. It happens man. Nobody liked your CS parody for the story; just bow out and let it be. No one wins em all. Getting into it with someone isn't gonna make anything better.

7939639 People are going to comment how they want regardless of what you think.
Mind your own business, ya stupid minge.

A monster is scarier when you don't understand it. If you did, it would take away a lot of the mystery and fear.

7938150 Not really. A changeling would be able to get in the house no problem. The deal with the Flutterthing was that it seemed to be unable to enter the house unassisted, which hints at something more supernatural.

7938787 I'd mention the most profitable movie of all time: "Paranormal Activity".

The creepiness would've fallen flat without some hints as to what was attacking the couple and why.

It's a perfect example of how to make a simple, but effective, supernatural horror story.

The sequels are a perfect example of running a concept into a landfill to cash in until it dies. :trollestia:

Good stuff, good pacing and setting of tone and mood. It's hard to write good horror, but this is a fine job and I hope it's something you'll consider doing again in the future. I think it is fine that we are left with some questions that won't be answered - that is part of what makes something horrifying, as it would be no fun if everything was understood and brought out into the open.

7940047 its true that its scarier when you dont understand it but without a link to give it substance like a myth or legend or some kind of background it just seems kinda random now just because i didnt find it scary doesnt mean i didnt like it though i think it had a very good premise just not scary for me the mental hospital was more scary to me than the flutterthing since in another comment some1 said it couldnt enter the house unassisted so all you gotta do is turn over and ignore it or have somepony come after hours or even tell them about it

Yeah, I was actually thinking of some Paranormal activity when I wrote the comment. In the first movie, it seemed sorta random, but we knew the demon had its goal of Katie or w/e her name was. The following movies are just what happens when you keep turning up the lights of a dark room. It becomes less horrifying as you learn more about it.
Its why I find horror to be a difficult genre to write. You have to know enough to be afraid, and you can know WHY you are afraid, but once you know everything about its reasons, what it will do etc it loses some of the fear you've built up that the reader associates it to.

I liked it. I put off reading it for a time because I thought it would be a fnaf clone. Good on you

7940385 That's true only when the horror relies on the fear of the unknown. You need a little info, but not too much.

Psychological horror, on the other hand, relies on such things as subverting expectations and dealing with grisly topics, with the central villain almost nonchalant about his horrific deeds.

Such is the case in "Silence of the Lambs". There was no mystery about anything there. But it was quite horrifying regardless. In inspires a different form of fear, deeper than the primal and superficial terror of the bumps in the night.

I'm sorry if I wasn't paying good enough attention, however was there any indication that the creature was actually hostile? I mean, whatever that thing was that was impersonating Fluttershy was clearly creepy and all, sure. But did it attack her or harm her?

For all we know it was Discord pulling a prank.


I feel as if it wouldn't be Discord, as he usually announces his attention because he revels in the recognition. And his acts are primarily of a lighter disposition; this seems to be morbid for a creature like him. And I feel as if not enough time progressed to discern its true intentions.


You should read A FLEet|ng LIght |n thE DArknEsS. You should also go to formatting and set it to Dark.

I've seen this idea done to death on Creepypasta. Maybe I am a bit biased towards my opinion since many folk here on this site probably don't read creepypasta fics often, but this was really dull and average. It follows suit with a common formula, the monster is as dumb as a door nail, and logic seems to escape Applejack's and AppleBloom's characters. I am more shocked at their incompetency of notifying anybody of this creature than the creature's description to be honest. And I hate that. No, I loathe that about horror stories. The "protagonists" have to pull the illogical actions to further the story, such as Applebloom letting her "curiosity" get the better of her. It's just...so commonly used in the horror genre that it's become distasteful.

In simple terms, it's not bad necessarily. but not original in the slightest.

7939548 Please, for the sake of mobile users, don't comment on a story ever again.


Amazing story. I loved the writing and the tension! Keep up the good work!

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