Let me tell you a tale of a warrior and a strategist.
This is the story of the famous Blacksmith, and once the proud leader of our country, Starlight Glimmer. And her relationship with her greatest comrade, and most trusted friend, Princess Twilight Sparkle, the hero of Equestria, the Twilight of Iron.
Stories of these two have differed from teacher to student, but I intend to retell what really happened all those centuries ago.
Beginning from when Starlight Glimmer and Twilight Sparkle first met, on a night, long lost to time.
That night was dark for the young Starlight Glimmer. Fiends were on the prowl, and the only thing she could do was run. Fear leaked from her fragile soul. Tears of remorse and regret fell like rain from her cheeks as she galloped through the thicket of the Everfree Forest. Whimpering in silence, as to fulfill her mother's dying wish.
"Don't scream..." She had told the child.
The thought of dishonoring her family's memory by crying out loud was the last thing she wished to do. But such a task became harder and harder with each passing second.
What would she do? Would she run for forever? Or give up once and for all, surrendering her life to death itself? None of these questions could she answer. But fate alone would decide her destiny, in due time.
Trotting past four large trees, and counting them as she did, Starlight leaped right after the fourth and into a dip in the dirt path. Tumbling onto the gritty ground, Starlight bit her tongue to stop herself from shouting. The fall hurt, but breaking her mother's promise would be far more agonizing. Starlight scurried to her right, beneath the trunk of that fourth tree. Hiding here was where she had always been told to go in case she should need to leave Ponyville. Starlight huddled down in the snug cavity, praying to her ancestors for protection.
She was imagining them hugging her, whispering words of comfort. But those thoughts became distant with the sound of samurai armor approaching and approaching fast.
"Has the girl been found?" demanded one of the samurai.
"Not yet, I was so sure she had fled this way," said another. All the while Starlight kept her eyes shut, mindfully praying to not be found. And then there was nothing, no sound or voices of danger were being made around her.
Peeking out from behind the tree, Starlight could only see the night's moon shine on the clearing in front of her, and no one was in sight.
Stepping out from her hiding spot, Starlight felt comfort that her ancestors really had protected her, and still were. But those thoughts were dashed away the moment she was pushed against the sharp grass.
"Let me go!" she cried, and they did, tossing her against the hard bark of the tree she was just hiding under, the samurai surrounded her.
"Found you, ya little brat!" one of the samurai said with joy.
"And we thought we'd have to burn down the forest to find you," said the other.
The very thought of burning the forest struck Starlight with hate. To think that these Ponies would even consider such a horrible thing. But then again, Starlight was only just beginning to understand, just how demonic the royal army had become these last few years. For just then, another group of samurai had come through the woods.
"What is going on here!?" the leader of this group demanded. This samurai was a mare, her eyes seemed to resonate kindness when she saw Starlight, but when standing side by side with her captors, Starlight frowned in fear.
"We found her captain, she was hiding under a tree," said one of the samurai, and the captain stepped forward to the child, smiling, but Starlight continued to frown, looking away from the captain's eyes.
"Little girl, do you know why we are here?" the captain asked, but Starlight remained silent. The captain hissed under her breath, "Look at me," the captain told Starlight, but she wouldn't listen, "Look at me!" the captain ordered, pulling Starlight's head toward her. The force of the yank made Starlight wince in pain, but she bit her lip, forcing back the tears. "Good, now, I'm going to ask you a few questions... Okay?" the captain stated, Starlight nodded, and the captain let go of her head. "Very good, now, is your name Starlight Glimmer?" the captain asked, Starlight nodded. "And you're a member of the Starlight Clan, is that right?" again, another nod of the head. "Then you would know where the Yoso no Chowa is, right?" Starlight just stared at the captain, eyes glaring amidst gritting her teeth to hold back her tongue.
"Come now," said the captain, "don't be so angry, when you tell us where it is, we'll take you back to your family..." that sentence only sent a wave of emotion through Starlight's body. Causing her to remember that flash of time when her family died to the blade of a samurai. Their bodies fell as flickering silhouettes behind her bedroom's paper shudder doors. Whilst fire surrounded her vision, of a samurai striking with a blood stained sword.
"Kutabare!" Starlight cursed, spitting in the captain's face shortly after.
"You brat!" the captain said on reaction, hitting Starlight across her face, and throwing her into the midst of the other four samurai, as all five of them began to stomp and kick dirt into her face.
"How dare you speak to your elders that way!" they said, "You dishonor your ancestors with your pride!"
I would never do such a thing! I would never dishonor them! Starlight thought because she couldn't speak, as the taste of blood and dirt filled her mouth. But the reminder of raising her voice to the captain made her feel worse than dirt. Wondering if she had just broken her mother's promise, and was being punished for it.
The samurai continued to hit and hurt young Starlight until the captain backed them off.
"Enough!" the captain shouted, halting the other samurai from hurting Starlight. Personally grabbing Starlight by the mane, the captain spoke into her ear, "Tell us where the Yoso no Chowa is Starlight... And we will bring you back to your family, would you like that?" But even with the thought of Starlight's smiling family engraved in her head, to see her loved ones one last time, she shook her head. Starlight knew better than any pony that they were dead, and she would never see them smile again.
The captain threw Starlight's face into the dirt, angered that she was denied the Yoso no Chowa's location. But she didn't think too much of it, walking over to the very tree that had provided Starlight with protection, laid a large rock. Picking up the stone, the captain brought it over, and while lifting it high over Starlight's head with the help of her Pegasus wings she said, "Fine, then if you won't help us, we'll just have to destroy Ponyville until we find it."
And in that moment, Starlight thought to cry out, praying one last time in the hopes that the Gods would hear her, and exact vengeance for her death and the death of her family. But as I've said before, fate alone, would decide her destiny.
For lightning seemed to have struck the rock over Starlight's head, and a broken sword fell beside her with the rock. This sword was thrown, and the other samurai were scared, looking around in a panic until they laid eyes on the one responsible for saving the child. It was a lone mare, clad in black and gray robes, and a hat made of straw covering her face. She looked up at the samurai, eyes empty and cold, and even to Starlight, her expression showed the same level of emotion or lack there of.
But unlike the captain's eyes, Starlight could tell that this stranger, was here to save her.
"State your business, ronin!" the captain said, judging the mare by her lack of armor. But the stranger only drew another one of her many swords, levitating it close to her body, her horn glowing red. The other samurai stepped back out of fear, but the captain told one of the samurai, "Kill her!"
The samurai flinched but built up the courage to charge sword swinging. Then the mare dodged, and her blade slipped through the armor, impaling the poor soul. The action was so quick, and so precise, that Starlight wondered if the samurai was truly dead, until the body fell to the ground, lifeless.
This angered the captain, "Well don't just stand there! Avenge your comrade!" she said, and two more came charging in. The stranger sheathed her blade, waiting for their approach to strike. And opened it only to disarm one of them, with a fast whip of her blade. The stranger then continued to duel the other, cutting and slashing specifically to find an opening, only to attack at the hilt, breaking it, the weapon now useless to hold. The samurai darted away from the battle, and just when his comrade had found his sword, light left his eyes as he fell, with one clean cut across the chest.
But as this fight drew to a close, Starlight noticed the shimmer of a blade under her chin, gleaming in the reflective moonlight. The stranger turned from her kill to see Starlight, as tears began to drip from her face.
"Drop your weapons!" the captain said, drawing the blade closer to Starlight's neck. The stranger cringed under her hat. "Now!" the captain ordered, and the stranger did so, as the captain gestured to her last guard to kill the stranger. Drawing his katana, the samurai moved slowly towards the stranger. But as his blade was raised, the stranger tackled the samurai and scuffled for a grip of the sword. Eventually, the blade was out of both of their reach, and the stranger resorted to beating the samurai with her bare hooves. One blow after another and the captain could hardly watch with each punch causing blood to fly onto the grass.
"Stop it!" the captain said, and the stranger stopped. She turned to the captain, leaving the wimping samurai to cower.
"Did you stop when she cried?" the stranger asked, pointing to Starlight. "Did you stop after I took the first life? Or the second? No," the stranger continued to say, "You couldn't even stop when I crushed your comrades face into the ground. Are you going to stop now?"
The captain feared the stranger and wished for no more misfortune to befall her tonight. She dropped the knife at Starlight's neck.
"Now go back to your masters, and see if they will show you mercy," the stranger ordered, "But don't worry, the Empress loves cowards..." and with that said, the captain and her half dead ally fled the battle, quickly, and without a word.
The stranger knew the captain would never kill the child, she could tell with one look that the captain had never killed in her life. She did, however, consider it a gamble to have tackled that samurai like that. If she had been wrong about the captain, the child's life would've been lost. But showing those fools how powerless they were, was exactly the message she wanted to deliver.
Now alone, the stranger looked down at the filly, and without even a word said, Starlight was now clinging to the stranger.
"Are you alright?" the stranger asked with surprised eyes. Starlight nodded, her nose brushing up against her savior's robes. The stranger held the child in turn with tenderness and care, true concern felt from this nameless hero. Starlight continued to tremble, holding her breath as to not cry out loud.
"Child," the Stranger began, "It's alright, you may cry," but the young Starlight shook her head violently into the stranger's chest. "How come?" the stranger inquired.
"B- Because-" Starlight manged to say, "I- I'd be dishonoring m- my mother's final wish!" keeping her voice as hushed as she could. The stranger held the child tighter.
"You won't dishonor them young one. Your mother and father were wise and brave to stand against the samurai, it proved just how much they loved you. And it also explains why they told you to remain silent," the voice that spoke to Starlight was not one of a murderer, nor a demon. It was a friendly voice. "Cry young one. It is safe to cry now. You honor your ancestors by living tonight, cry..." And with her eyes overflowing with tears for friends and family long past into the afterlife, Starlight cried, gripping the stranger with all the strength she had. The stranger held the foal dearly, enjoying the sight of the wisps gathering around the filly. Every ancestor comforting the little soul for having the courage to live, to see where her fate would take her.
"What," Starlight began, only beginning to dry her eyes of her tears, "What is your name, stranger?"
The stranger looked down at the child, and as Starlight looked up, the stranger said...
"Twilight... You may call me Twilight."
And as the night grew old, the sun rose over the thick trees, morning born again. A Glimmering Hope could be seen as the next day began. Starlight Glimmer would not know if this would be her last day. And she wouldn't know. Not for many days, and nights to come.
Interesting, very interesting. I'm honestly curious to see how this continues so for now have a like.
7938322 Thank you good sir!
What is this a crossover of?
7938621 ... It's... Not...?
An interesting idea. Would like to see how the authour develops this idea.
This is cool. Looking forward to seeing where it goes.
This fanfic's premise is promising. That first chapter is well written. I am hooked.
My god... this is amazing!
Give me more!
So...
Twilight's a badass samurai.
Sweet.
I really like this. It could use some editing, though. I'm always up to edit a story I like! That is, if you're interested in having my help. :V
7940425 Sure!
Mistaken for a crossover? I'll have to give this a look.
...
Okay, this is a pretty well-used AU tag. Definitely interesting, have a track. Quick editing tip, though: any time you have a ... in dialogue that could be replaced by a , and still make sense, you don't need to capitalize the word that comes after it- it's not a new sentence, it's a pause in speech. Try not to use them at all in narration, though. There, they're just a cheap way to build tension. Similarly, avoid stacking multiple ! and ?. !? is fine, !! and ?? don't add anything.
There's also a good deal of other random capitals that don't need to be there. The commander's eyes were Dark and Cold? Dishonor your Mother and Father? Stuff like that. Stranger also doesn't need to be capitalized, since you're using it as a descriptor and not a name.
Finally, it's a little tough to tell what's going on at points. Are the samurai doing a good-cop-bad-cop routine, or are they just really easily offended? Even though their boss called them wretches and they were fine with that? Also, why does the stranger drop her weapon when the commander threatens to kill Starlight... but keeps fighting the mooks regardless? If she's calling a bluff, why not keep her weapon? If the threat was real, why didn't Starlight croak when she didn't surrender? And she's apparently got telekinesis, why not free Starlight instantly with that in the first place?
7940496 Thank you for telling me that, I'm still learning how to write, and maybe you could help me understand why capitalizing in certain places is not okay. I personally think some emphasis on certain words is okay for me to capitalize. (But that's just me, I've had people tell me before that it's not necessary before, but I obviously didn't listen. ) Also I still need to learn how to properly use , ... and ; . I'm always confused how to use them.
And to answer some questions on the story... I can answer most of it by saying I started this story in a place that needs explanation, there is a lot of questions as to what happened in Ponyville before this to answer, and they will be. But I don't understand the "telekinesis" part. When did I imply Starlight could do that? ... Oh the wisps thing, those are just spirits of Starlight's ancestors. A lot of Japanese stories have that kind of stuff, and I thought it was fitting. And sorry to say this, but you won't understand why the samurai acted the way they did until I explain it in a later chapter. I really don't like spoiling things.
7940564 If you want to emphasize words, use bold or italics. They tend to flow much nicer- capitals are specifically for signifying a sentence change or that a word is something's name. You can also put words in ALL CAPS for loud noises, or in SMALL CAPS for... weird cases, like when eldritch abominations speak. But also watch what you emphasize- emphasis says something's special, and if there's nothing actually special about what you emphasize, or your readers at least can't figure it out, you'll just confuse them.
Commas are weird because they're essentially a single punctuation mark that gets used in a ton of different cases, so it's impossible to give a succinct explanation of exactly when to and when not to use them. Fortunately, your commas are relatively clean here, so they don't need much work.
Ellipses (...) are much simpler, fortunately: the main and only thing you want to use them for is signifying a pause in speech. In real life, people tend to talk pretty messily and split their sentences, back up, trail off all the time, and brains are really good at sorting through that to get rid of missteps and figure out what others really mean. There are two ways this translates in writing.
The first is character dialogue. On the one hand, it's perfectly realistic for your characters to lose their trains of thought and trail off or switch what they're talking about mid-sentence. On the other, it's also somewhat distracting to the audience, who would usually prefer something that's easier to read than something that's realistic. My rule of thumb is to keep speech coherent- no pauses, no stammering, no fumbling for words- as much as possible, and only let characters get careless in situations where they're extremely emotional or distracted (especially if they're crying).
The second time someone is talking, though, is the narrator. Since this is a third-person, past-tense story, you have an impersonal narrator who's not a character and is recounting something that happened in the past. Age-old societal convention says if you're telling a story for the enjoyment of others, it is bad form to be any more attached to what's going on than your audience... and since you can't control your audience, that means you're completely stoic. As a result, you never want to narrate the way you'd normally talk. Making dramatic pauses? You better have a really good reason. Don't ask questions, even rhetorical, and if you're answering a question you think the audience might have, don't phrase it as an answer. For all the audience should care, you don't even exist.
...That goes out the window when you're narrating someone's thoughts, but they're not in dialogue form, though. For example, if Starlight is looking around and you want to describe what she sees, she's not going to think, Oh, there's a tree, and there's a rock, and there's another tree... Nobody thinks like that in real life (well, probably a few people, but not the majority). You have to narrate it, but since the narrator is stepping into her point of view and narrating her train of thought, you can say what she thinks- and that includes the pauses.
tl;dr: ellipses are good when characters are talking and have a reason to slow down, pause or fumble for words, but not when the narrator's talking- except when you're narrating a character's train of thought.
Semicolons have two main uses. The first is when the second statement clarifies the first. As an example (styled after this story, but not pulled from it):
The two parts here would work as separate sentences; both are complete and separate thoughts. But by joining them together, You specifically say the first is because of the second, and things make a little more sense. Mind, it's almost always possible to phrase things in ways that let you not have to use these without losing any information, so it's not like they're critically important.
The second big semicolon use is when you have a list of items that would usually be separated by commas... but the items contain commas themselves. In that case, you separate them by semicolons instead, so it's clear where each item is but you don't have to rework them to take out the commas.
This telekinesis:
Now, the problem with making confusion an intended reaction is that the audience doesn't always know whether something's unexplained deliberately or accidentally. Short of having the narrator wink at them, the best way to deal with this is to make things so it wouldn't make sense if they did know what's going on- fix your viewpoint to a character who's confused, and let the audience know they're confused. Not knowing why another character's doing what they're doing doesn't usually bother the audience when they're only in the headspace of one character, and have no way to know in the first place.
Right now, though, you jump quite frequently between Starlight and her savior's perspectives, which removes your ready-made excuse for withholding information (the character doesn't know). In general, it's best to only switch viewpoints in scene transitions, and be very careful when getting into the headspace of a character who knows things you don't want the audience to know.
intresting gonna keep track of it
Sorry for the hiatus my pony bretheren, and sisteren... Whatever, this hiatus won't be as long as the last one, Just like one week, maybe two tops! I just want to improve my writing before I continue Twilight of Iron. Because I want this to be a really good story!
Thank you for liking this story so far, I do too.
- BackroundVoice
7946447
Don't worry, you are far from some authors who let their stories tagged "Incomplete" for years, without giving any news.
I shall wait till you return! I think that this has potential
By the emperor....
You've gotten my attention...
9048034
I’ve been waiting all my life to be recognized by the 40K fandom... I can die happy now