Nekon
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Well, that was depressing.
8446555
almost as depressing as the lack of comments on a story. a lame joke
Hrmph, Scoots needs a hug...badly. Very well, let's all form a line and hug Scootaloo.
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It's the weekend, I'm sure you'll get more as we get into the week.
Has it been tagged in groups yet? Would do it myself, but the stuff I want to tag for isn't actually out yet, heh.
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my thoughts exactly. I’m not sure it would be right to tag for something that isn’t here yet.
Umm, sctootaloo you have no idea what your letting yourself in for.
Any critique would be appreciated as always
I will admit I originally came here because of the rating and the group
that this was added to, but you've given us a good story to go along with it so far.
There's not too much to critique but I'll say what I can here. The story feels a bit rough at times, and has some minor grammatical issues, but nothing so severe as to take me out of the story most of the time. The narration by Scootaloo sometimes feels more authentic for this fact and other times it can make it feel almost like reading an overwrought melodrama, but that's a fine line to try to walk if this was your intention.
My other point isn't so much a critique as a warning; so far the sad parts of this story have felt manufactured or designed to pluck roughly at the heartstrings. Be careful with this as a softer hand can often feel more genuine and therefore have a greater impact, and always remember that to give emotional scale you need joy as well. If everything is just sad and depressing then each individual piece loses its impact. Remember that you can't cast a shadow without light.
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Thanks for the comment!
I know I’m walking a thin line, that’s why I need critique so badly to recognize if I’ve overdone something. And that’s why I’m trying(not very successful, I guess) to add comedic parts as well. But sometimes my thoughts are occupied with so much ‘sadness’ while writing Scoots’ emotions that I just can’t find a place for bright moments in the story. Something inside me wants this cute little filly to suffer a bit more.
My first draft even had a dark tag. But it was awful, overly melodramatic and didn’t work. It took me a while to get rid of it and replace it with more pleasant one.
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I know this is very cliched advice, but try to put yourself in your character's position and think about their motivations or feelings, and then their actions will simply flow naturally from there.
Well, to give you a bit more detail, here is something that I have noticed. You have Scoots focusing on negative aspects a lot, she gets pulled into the rain and the dreary day in the first chapter and the feeling becomes very melodramatic. All of her thoughts are consumed with negativity and it colors her actions and interactions with everypony. She is so into the self loathing that she is unable to see anything that happens to her as a "good thing". This is actually very authentic if you're trying to show a character in the depths of depression, but Scootaloo has never struck me as that kind of personality. You have her acting out of a feeling of escapism in a few scenes and these feel far more genuine, such as her first night at home, going into her room and escaping into memories of her happy memories as a foal.
These moments of escapism can actually give your sad moments far more impact as well. If your POV character is constantly thinking that the world sucks and everything is shit, then when bad things happen they just feel expected. However, if your character is focused on the good, then it can feel like a punch to the gut when things suddenly take a turn for the worse.
Take the scene with Derpy at the post office as an example. In what you have written, Scootaloo keeps herself very closed off and looks at things either very perfunctory (just doing her job and moving on) or with downright disdain when she is tipped by Lyra and when Derpy has her sit down to Dinner, so, when she finally gets home and finds her mother passed out drunk in the living room it feels like that was completely expected and doesn't have the same impact. Now imagine a slightly different take where Scootaloo is okay with the tip, and thinks about putting it toward her savings, or treating herself a little; when Derpy has her sit down for dinner perhaps Scoots thinks of her almost like a surrogate mother or another big sister figure like Dash looking out for her, and giving her that feeling of a happy family that she is so willing to escape into. Now, a more hopeful Scootaloo heads home to open the door and have her happy little bit of escapism drop out from under her as reality hits home and her mother is drunk, surrounded by bottles.
None of the events change, but simply altering the outlook is enough to grant so much more weight to your big reveal. The stark contrast of the escapism view of Derpy as a surrogate mom throws her real mother into clear relief and suddenly the scene goes from expected to a heart wrenching yank back into reality.
Just a little bit of extra stuff, but it turns out that MrNumbers(if you don't know who he is, read his stuff and become a disciple) just put out a blog post on writing sad characters. You can find it HERE.
Just keep in mind it's less of an introductory lesson and more of a master's class kind of thing.
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Well, the thing is I made it on purpose. I don’t know whether it’s good or bad decision, but that’s how I see it. I could have done the first scene “sunny” and more positive. But I wanted to set the tone of the story and expectations for the reader. Scootaloo had problems and I showed it. I did want the scene with her mother to be expected.
That’s why I’m trying to show that she hides her ′depression side′ while hanging out with the Crusaders. They, RD and scooting are the only things that help her to escape her depression. She sees her job as indeed perfunctory, as you noticed. She’d be better off practicing with her scooter or helping RD at the weather factory(she can’t, obviously).
P.S: I’m not trying to justify myself. That’s just how I see it. I could be wrong.
This feels like it's about to head down a really rough road.
Jeez, what's with these writers using these fanfics to turn Rarity into a bitch?
Please continue this!
Please keep writing! This is one of the best works I've come across in ages. Your Sweetie and Scootaloo feel like fully realized characters in this chapter. I love morally dubious Rarity stories! You get an A+ from me :)
And just like that, this became a ScootaBelle story. I'm not complaining.
I love this story, I really have been waiting for a lengthy fic with a good conflict! Liked and followed, I look forward to reading more. The only issues I'd say the story has are a few grammatical errors. I'd suggest a pre-reader or editor to help give each chapter more clarity. Keep up the good work and please keep writing <3
Well, this is a fuckin sad turn of events...
continue please!
So yeah. It’s been just over a year, so I got to ask before I even bother reading the first four chapters. Is this story dead?
9262154
It might be commission
Jokes on us! For all the people who came here expecting clop, I bet it's nothing but Scootaloo modelling girly dresses and feeling indignant.
It's the perfect troll!
Seriously I'm reallyoving the drama and character development you have going on here. You had me almost afraid to read this chapter, but was totally worth it!
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https://www.fimfiction.net/group/204836/revive-dead-fanfics
8514616
It's fun
9993346
I don't want this to be dead...
But after two years, I'm forced to assume it is.
...
But then, a story I've been following for a while got updated earlier today after almost four years, so I'm just going to track this optimistically. Here's hoping!
6 years later
11584634
7 years later and counting
How I wish this story would continue