The Rainbow Factory, it's tale isn't quite as nice as sugar and spice as you might think it really is...
(Version 2.01)
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 21st Nov, 2016
- offline last seen Wednesday
Silver Inkwell
"Take me away to a dream and I will live like it was real, wake me up to reality and I'll live it like it was a dream."
Silver Inkwell
Joined 21st Nov, 2016 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- InsertAuthorHere · 28k words · 776 12 · 13k views
- The Good Dark Lord · 12k words · 375 17 · 8.2k views
- J8ck78 · 57k words · 49 2 · 1.6k views
- Intellect Stretcher · 60k words · 38 2 · 2.3k views
- GoesKaboom · 57k words · 39 3 · 2k views
- Dusk Writer · 8.3k words · 323 10 · 6.4k views
- sunnypack · 53k words · 1,631 110 · 21k views
- Garuda IV · 811k words · 839 77 · 16k views
Featured In43
- All-OC Stories2,895 stories ·2,262 members
The Writers' Group56,342 stories ·9,285 members
One-Shots18,888 stories ·2,368 members
Looking for Editors3,384 stories ·5,413 members
Supporting Original Characters4,070 stories ·1,822 members
Slice of Life8,138 stories ·1,460 members
The OC Fanfiction Library1,803 stories ·1,404 members
- Comment/Review Trade781 stories ·125 members
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.301 seconds
Total duration
1,041 users online
2,163,132 hits today, 2,561,572 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
First off, this isn't 2nd POV. This is 3rd.
2nd, this is very monotonous unfortunately. You repeat the same line over and over, which I get is the style of your fic, but you overdid it here.
3rd, this brings nothing new to the table. The table being this Rainbow factory verse. The fic shares stuff we already know about.
Finally, this is mostly an experience rather than a story. Has no plot, nor any sort of climax. In fact, each paragraph personally feels like a repeat of the previous one, but in different words. Either you're being too descriptive, or this is just a repetitive piece of work.
I'm not gonna hate on ya for using the Rainbow Factory idea, but you surely didn't convince me that this is unique.
7926563
How is it third person if I never say his name?
7926583 2nd POV is where the pronoun "You" is used. In 3rd POV you don't need to say his name. Just by using the pronoun "He" is enough to make this fic a 3rd POV fic.
In writing: Usually when you do a type of repetitive theme or quote, you are usually trying to reinforce it's meaning upon the reader through different perspectives of the same line, theme, or dialogue. It helps to strengthen the tightness of the writing within the story if it keeps reverting back to old plot points with a new, refreshing perspective that isn't boring or extremely repetitive to the levels of annoying. To which, in this case, its very annoying and interrupts the flow of the story itself while serving almost absolutely no purpose for the reader other than giving us a sense of what the factory sounds like. That is it.
Other than that, sk1Tz has already covered my other biggest criticisms.
Edit: Here is a better idea of using a repetitive theme / qoute:
7926691
Well the repetition is to emphasize...death? (I guess?)
7926700
That got annoying, fast.
7926707
How fast, third, fifth, or seventh line?
7926710 The moment you stopped narrating about it and didn't honestly do anything to change it around and make it sound more original. So... I guess right after you said it the first time.
7926713
Okay then... hold on...
7926713
7926742
Fixed, please go check it out again.