• Published 4th Feb 2017
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Bargaining Barnyards - Brass Polish



Diamond Tiara needs some convincing that school most certainly is beneficial for youngsters, whether you’re set for life or not.

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1 Math is Boring

If Lazybug’s attitude towards school was bad, Diamond Tiara’s was worse. She didn’t have a job, but her dad was always telling her about his business and filling her in on the methods of managing so many ponies, places, and products. By now, she felt like an expert, and it wouldn’t be long before her grades reflected her belief that she was already set for life.

“Back when we were enemies,” Apple Bloom said to her one day, “I always thought you expected to inherit your dad’s business whether or not you had any business smarts.”

“And what about now?” asked Diamond Tiara with a raised eyebrow.

“Uh… well… I guess I think the same thing… but I don’t hate you.”

“I’ve got business smarts, Apple Bloom,” Diamond Tiara insisted. “I don’t ignore my dad when he tells me about stuff like searching listings for buyers and sellers. He never said I wasn’t fit for it. That can only mean my future’s pretty clear.”

“You thought like that before,” Apple Bloom pointed out.

“That’s different,” said Diamond Tiara. “I always knew my cutie mark meant I can get ponies to do what I want. I just didn’t really know what I want… accept to take over the family business. Are you afraid I’m gonna be some kinda tyrannical dictator of a boss or something?”

“I did before,” admitted Apple Bloom. “I guess I’m still getting used to being your friend.”

“I think we haven’t been spending much time together since Pip became class president. You’re not in the middle of helping somepony else with a cutie mark crisis, are you?”

“No.”

“Then how about you, me, Silver Spoon, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle watch the Pony Tones sing at Sugarcube Corner tomorrow?” suggested Diamond Tiara.

“Uh, Sweetie Belle told me they’re penciled in for 10.”

“So?”

“We’ve got school then, Di.”

Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes. “Fine. We’ll think of something else.”

For the time being, they settled on a simple game of Grounders when recess came. But it looked to Apple Bloom that Diamond Tiara was treating Cheerilee’s class like recess today. Not that Apple Bloom could blame her, as today’s maths lesson was incredibly boring.

“Now who can tell me the answer to this equation?” Cheerilee asked, pointing to one of the math problems on the chalkboard

A few hooves went into the air, none of them belonged to Diamond Tiara, but Cheerilee called on her anyway.

“Uh, which one was it?” asked Diamond.

Cheerilee pointed to 3 x 4 -2 written in chalk.

“Oh. 10,” Diamond Tiara said tonelessly. “Miss Cheerilee, when are we ever gonna need to use any of this?”

“Students have been asking that question for generations,” Cheerilee said with a smile that appeared excruciatingly forced. “And I, like every other teacher, can only tell you that there will come a day when you’ll have to know this stuff.”

Diamond Tiara found it harder to invest herself in the lesson after hearing that. In fact, it was barely even five minutes before she began to fall asleep. She saw under heavy eyelids that Cheerilee was now adding colons to some parts of the equations, but she didn’t catch a single word her teacher said. Soon enough, the classroom dissolved into blackness.

“Diamond Tiara! Wake up!”

Diamond Tiara sat up, groaning at the realization that she was about to get told off for sleeping in class.

“Your butler’s here,” said Cheerilee. “He’s got something important to tell you.”

Diamond Tiara was surprised to see Randolph standing in the doorway of the schoolhouse.

“What is it?” asked Diamond Tiara as she left her desk.

“It’s your dad, Diamond,” said Randolph. “He’s had a burnout.”

“A what?”

“He’s exhausted from all of his duties,” Randolph explained. “He’s had a lot on his plate lately, and the effort to get it all sorted out did a number on him. He’s gone home, intended to take an extended leave, and he’d like you to go and see him.”

“He’s not sick, is he?” asked Diamond Tiara.

“Not quite. He would be if he carried on the way he has been. Come along now,” Randolph turned. “Off we go.”

Diamond Tiara gave her classmates a quick wave and followed her butler to her family’s mansion.

Filthy Rich was lying face down on one of the sofas in the lounge. Maids and cleaners stood nearby expecting instructions, but he had not uttered a word to anyone upon returning home early apart from ordering Randolph to pull his daughter from class.

“Dad?”

Filthy raises his head for the first time since he’d laid down on that couch that day. Diamond Tiara was surprised and a little concerned.

“Wow, Dad. You didn’t look like that this morning.”

“I did my best not to let on,” moaned Filthy. “I’ve told you almost everything there is to know about running Barnyard Bargains, but I missed a detail, Diamond Tiara.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s hard to keep everything together at once,” Filthy Rich sat up and gestured to Diamond to have a seat next to him. “I’ve been juggling lots of balls in the air these last few weeks, and we’re still gonna make lots of money, but I did sort of lose my mind at times.”

“Well, everything’s alright now,” said Diamond Tiara. “Right?”

“Only just. Things are steady and quieter now,” said Filthy. “So I think it’d be okay if you took over for a little while.”

Diamond Tiara’s eyes popped. “Me?! Now?! Really?!”

“You haven’t forgotten what I’ve taught you, have you?” asked Filthy.

“No, no. I still remember it all,” Diamond Tiara assured him. “It’s just… it’s so sudden.”

“I would have told you sooner, but I didn’t want to worry you or your mother,” said Filthy. “I wasn’t entirely sure I’d manage to keep everything together in the end, but I didn’t want to pull you from school just to help me out. But your grades have been good, and I’m pretty much out of options right now.”

“Well, okay! No problem, Dad,” said Diamond Tiara. “As long as things are stable now, I’ll have no trouble running your company while you get some rest.”

No one batted an eye when Diamond Tiara arrived at the Barnyard Bargains business office. She found the staff quite welcoming.

“We hear from your dad all the time how attentive you are when he tells you the tricks of the trade,” said McClackerty, the secretary. “It’s not a shock to see you behind his desk at all. Especially given the kind of month he’s had.”

“Yeah, he wasn’t really too clear on that,” said Diamond Tiara. “What exactly happened that made him so stressed out and exhausted.”

“It wasn’t just one thing. It was several things happening at once,” McClackerty explained. “A new store being built in Barrow in Harness, a new product being tested with our demographic in Salt Lick City, five new merchandizers being trialed on the southern region, an inquiry into the cause of an accident in one of his Canterlot warehouses, and trying to find out why the account figures on our Walton on the Neighs payroll didn’t add up.”

Diamond Tiara whistled. “I can see why he kept that quiet. Uh, h-he did tell me I won’t have to do that much.”

“You probably won’t,” McClackerty shrugged. “We’re not under-staffed, the pay roll for next week’s under control in our accounting department, and we found that cricket in the lunchroom that’s been driving everypony crazy.”

“Huh?”

“Yes. Somehow a cricket got in and it would chirp non-stop while our staff were eating,” said McClackerty. “And we could never find the stupid thing because crickets stop chirping when anything gets close to it. Eventually, these two pest ponies found it and booted it outta here.”

“Lazybug and Crosspatch?” asked Diamond Tiara.

“Crosspatch, yes. Lazybug, no. I don’t know no Lazybug. The other one was Fluttershy.”

“Oh. Well, Lazybug’s in my class, but he’s got a job too. He doesn’t really need to be there any more than I do,” said Diamond Tiara, chuckling to herself. “I can’t wait to tell him and the rest of the class that I’ve gone from honourary CMC to honourary CEO.”

“Anyway,” said McClackerty, “the only thing you need to worry about right now is investors. Our company’s got shares in other businesses, and other businesses have shares in ours. But not to worry. I shall be leaving the latest updates in your in-tray for your review and signature. And if there’s a problem somewhere, you can take one of the withdrawal forms from the middle right drawer, fill it out, and submit it to me so I can give it to the courier before any damage can be done. Starting now.”

She placed two sheets of paper into one of the black trays on Filthy Rich’s desk.

“I’ll leave it with you for now, then,” she said, turning tail and leaving the office.

Diamond Tiara looked at the paperwork sitting in the tray.

“Ugh. This feels like homework,” she groaned. “Whoa! I better not have to do make-up homework after Dad comes back!”

It was a painful thought, but once she got started reading through the listings, it became quite easy. It was less than an hour before she went through both sheets. Everything appeared stable, so she signed her name at the bottom of each report and put them back into the tray. At that moment, a staff member entered the room.

“Oh. Sorry. I forgot we’re under new management right now,” he chuckled nervously. “I just got used to bursting in here whenever there’s a problem with Filthy in charge.”

“A problem?” asked Diamond Tiara.

“Yeah. One of the deliveries is held up in Vanhoover,” the messenger informed. “The report says the engine taking the train blew a cylinder.”

Diamond Tiara gulped. “Does that mean I gotta charter another train?”

“No, another engine’s gonna take over. You don’t really need to do anything,” said the messenger. “I’m just, you know, keeping you in the loop. We can’t exactly withhold information from the CEO about important stuff that might cause problems, can we?”

“Oh,” Diamond Tiara grinned. “Well, if it’s under control, I guess I don’t need to worry. Thanks.”

“You might need to worry if this keeps up,” scoffed the messenger. “I swear, Equestria’s railway’s been going down the drain since their last manager left.”

Diamond Tiara decided not the mention the bone-chilling site she’d witnessed in Clopley Hill.

At first, Diamond Tiara considered her first say as CEO uneventful. She popped in and out of the office, getting to know her way around the building and introducing herself to individual staff members. Then, before quitting time, disaster.

“Wait, where’s my signature?!” she cried when she returned to the office for the sixth time that day and glanced down at her tray. “I swear, I signed those!”

McClackerty came into the office, having heard what Diamond Tiara said.

“That’s the in-tray,” she said in a slightly agitated manner. “Did you put the forms you signed back in there? The out tray’s over here.”

Diamond Tiara hadn’t notice the tray on the other side of her desk; it’d been slightly obscured by a stack of black plastic shelves.

“But I still signed these two…”

She made a quick grab for the paperwork in her in-tray, and it dipped, as though she was pushing it into the desk.

“Is that tray spring-loaded!” she exclaimed.

McClackerty nodded. “I’ve dropped off more reports today.”

Diamond Tiara’s hearth thumped madly as she took six unsigned investment documents out of the tray. The original two sprung up gently, and she quickly deposited them in the out-tray before looking through the paperwork she hadn’t realised was sitting there waiting for her virtually all day.

“Please, don’t let there be a problem,” she kept repeating as her eyes scanned the reports.

Three sheets later, she spotted trouble.

“Flim & Flam Brand Chocolate’s going down!” she cried.

She read on, revealing that the company in question had gone belly up.

“They’re belly up!” she yelled.

McClackerty opened the middle right drawer and took out a withdrawal form, which Diamond Tiara wasted no time filling out. As soon as she was finished, McClackerty took it and ran out of the office while Diamond Tiara looked over the rest of the forms. Fortunately, everything else was still positive.

McClackerty returned. “We’ve lost millions.”

Diamond Tiara slumped sweating in her seat.

“Not to rub salt in the wound,” McClackerty went on, “but we might not have lost a thing if that report had been seen to when I first put it in the in-tray.”

Author's Note:

Inspired by a self-insert story I read over a decade ago on SiF... unfortunately, I can't remember its name.