Chapter 1

“So what do y'all wanna do today Crusaders? Apple Bloom asked enthusiastically as she led her friends to their trusty club house.

“I don’t care as long as it doesn’t have to do with Biology!” Scootaloo replied pulling a face “If I have to hear one more time about photosynthesis I’m gonna kill something!”

“Well I actually thought it was interesting and informative!” Sweetie Belle chirped up from the rear “I for one found it fascinating how bees collecting nectar for their hives also collect pollen within their bosoms which they then unknowingly spread throughout Equestria pollinating the ground allowing new plant’s to……”

“Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerd!” Scootaloo hissed in Apple Bloom’s ear just loud enough for Sweetie Belle to overhear. Apple Bloom giggled in response while Sweetie Belle stuck her tongue out at her friends.

“You guys are just jealous because I’m smarter than you!” Sweetie Belle stuck her nose up indignity.

“Not true!” Apple Bloom replied “There is one thing in school the two of us are better at then you!”

Sweetie Belle stopped in her tracks “Oh, and what is that?”

“DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODGE!!!” Scootaloo back kicked a ball sending it flying straight at Sweetie Belle’s face. As predicted Sweetie seized up and the ball collided straight into her upturned nose with a resounding SMACK!

“HEY!!!! I HAD ENOUGH BEING PELTED WITH DODGE BALLS FOR THE DAY!!!” Sweetie cried rubbing her nose in annoyance.

“Well if ya would just DODGE them like everypony else, ya wouldn’t get hit so much!” Apple Bloom chortled.

“Well if everypony would stop throwing them at supersonic speed I’d be able to!” Sweetie replied indignity.

“Sweetie nobody throws them at supersonic speed!” Scootaloo rolled her eyes “Even SNAILS can dodge better then you!”

The three fillies continued bickering all the way to the clubhouse. Upon reaching it the three threw their saddle bags off to the corner, and Sweetie Belle used her magic to levitate three soda can’s out from their small refrigerator Rarity had gotten for them, and placing them on the center table taking her seat.

“Well I think we should try hang gliding!” Scootaloo suggested opening her own soda can, and taking a large swig.

“We already tried that last week!” Apple Bloom reminded her “We ended up stuck in a tree and had to be rescued by the weather patrol!”

“Oh……. Right!” Scootaloo laughed out of embarrassment. “I guess I forgot!”

“Hey! What’s that?” Sweetie Belle interrupted pointing at the middle of the table.

Apple Bloom reached over and picked up what appeared to be a small black box “Ah don’t know, never seen this before!”

“Hey, that looks like one of those voice recorder devices!” Scootaloo exclaimed peering over Apple Bloom’s shoulder.

“A what?” Sweetie and Apple Bloom asked in union.

“You know, those things that secret agents get when they are given a mission!”

“Ooooooooooooooh, right!”

“My sister only watches the older detective stories where they just write notes to each other!” Sweetie made a lovey dovely face “She claims they are more romantic.”

“But how the hay did it get here?” Apple Bloom asked “More importantly WHO left it here?”

“One way to find out really!” Scootaloo swiped the recorder out of Apple Blooms hooves and pressed the play button. A deep and electronic voice boomed out of the device.

“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS!!!! THIS IS YOUR PRINCESS OF THE………...err……...I MEAN FRIENDLY NEIGHBOR HOOD EVERYDAY CITIZEN! YOUR MISSION IF YOU CHOOSE TO EXCEPT IT IS TO BREAK INTO MY SISTER………damn it………. PRINCESS CELESTIA’S PRIVATE CHAMBERS AND STEAL HER SECRET CAKE RECIPE! THEN RETURN IT TO MY………. mother fudger…………PRINCESS LUNA’S CHAMBERS BEFORE SUNRISE! FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! THAT IS ALL!”

“This message will self-destruct in ten seconds….”

“GAAAH!” Apple Bloom swiped the recorder and tossed it out the window, no sooner had it sailed out the club house it exploded with the mere force of a foal’s fire cracker.

“Well that was……. Certainly a big explosion!” Scootaloo exclaimed sarcastically.

“No it wasn’t, I’ve seen Trixie’s smoke bombs make bigger explosions then that!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed.

“Ah think she was being sarcastic Sweetie Belle.” Apple Bloom rolled her eyes. “Anyway, any idea why Princess Luna would want us to break into Princess Celestia’s chamber and get some silly cake recipe?”

“What makes you think that was Princess Luna?” Sweetie asked perplexed.

“Gee I don’t know, maybe there was the fact she literally let it slip twice it was her during the recording!” Scootaloo deadpanned.

“And the fact she was using the Royal Canterlot Voice was also another clue!” Apple Bloom added.

“Anyway, I guess we now know what we are doing to get our cutie marks next!” Scootaloo flashed her friends a mischievous grin.”

“Entering a Hula contest?” Sweetie Belle asked hopefully.

“Wha………NO! We’re going to be Cutie Mark Crusaders Secret Agents!!” Scootaloo replied angrily.

Sweetie Belle gave her a concerning look “I don’t know, sounds kind of dangerous to me.”

“Never stopped us before!” Apple Bloom reminded her.

“……. Good Point!”

“Then it’s settled then!” Scootaloo exclaimed placing a hoof in front of her which her two friends joined in.

“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS SECRET AGENTS! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Later that evening as the sun was setting, the three crusaders found themselves hiding behind a bush just outside Canterlot Castle.

“Good thing Pinkie Pie keeps these awesome Spy gear and outfits around in case of spying emergency!” Sweetie Belle said checking herself out in her hoofheld mirror “I make this look good!”

“Why in Equestria would Pinkie Pie need this stuff for anyway?” Apple Bloom pondered.

“Who cares, she’s Pinkie Pie remember?” Scootaloo rolled her eyes. “Now FOCUS! We need to get past those guards!” She pointed at the two night guards now arriving and relieving the day shift guards of duty. “Any ideas?”

“I got one!” Sweetie Belle raised a hoof excitedly “I saw a female spy do this once in one of Rarities spy movies!” Sweetie Belle took out some lipstick and began applying it to her lips.

“Eeeer, what are ya doing?” Apple Bloom asked puzzled.

“I have to make a good impression!” Sweetie Belle replied putting the lipstick back in her sack and smacking her lips.

“Would that impression be your name is Bobbo The Clown?” Scootaloo asked while Apple Bloom giggled.

“I’m supposed to look attractive!” Sweetie Belle gave her friends a glare “Watch and learn!” She leaped out of the bushes and trotted daintily over to the guards. Upon reaching them she lifted up her tail as she had seen in her older sister’s films and gave the guards her best seductive stare “Hey handsome, what’s a strong attractive stallion like you doing in a place like this?” Sweetie Belle could hear the sounds of her friends pretending to retch behind her, but she ignored them.

“Shouldn’t you be in bed right now little girl?” one of the guards asked.

“You know I like the kinky stuff, but shouldn’t you ask me out to dinner and a movie first?” she asked batting her eyes. Scootaloo and Apple Bloom were now laughing hysterically, but again Sweetie ignored them.

“This area is off limits to all civilians, please return to your home immediately!” the guard demanded.

“Playing hard to get are we?” Sweetie Belle attempted to adopt Rarity’s voice she would use to win over stallions “How about you ditch this post and show me around the castle?”

The guards were becoming annoyed at this point “Look girly I don’t know what you want, but if you don’t make yourself scarce were going to be having a talk with your parents about this!”

Sweetie Belle decided to change tactics. “That might be tricky being both my parents are currently imprisoned in Tartarus for mass murder!”

The guards looked slightly taken about. “Only the most dangerous of criminals are sent to Tartarus!” one of the guards replied.

“That’s my Mom and Dad alright!” Sweetie replied cheerfully “They have this psychotic disease that causes them to go stir crazy if they see anypony with funny hats. One day they were in Prance on holiday and they suddenly snapped, killed half a dozen ponies by chopping their heads off and eating their intestines. Sadly, though they were imprisoned by Princess Celestia on their return trip!”

The two guards backed away cautiously.

“The disease they have can’t be cured so I’m afraid I’ll never see them again” Sweetie continued “However I’ve heard tell it’s genetic and has been passed down from generation to generation from both sides of my family.” She then gave them each a sinister look “By the way those are some funny looking helmet’s you are wearing!”

The two guards instantly dropped their spears and took to the sky’s screaming their lungs out. Sweetie Belle waved them goodbye as Apple Bloom and Scootaloo joined her.

“You do know your scary sometimes right?” Scootaloo asked her “Brilliant, but scary!”

“Come on crusaders, let’s get going!” Sweetie Belle wiped off the lipstick and led her fellow crusaders into the castle.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Several minutes later the three crusaders found themselves sneaking along an air duct they had crammed into at Scootaloo’s suggestion.

“This is SO uncomfortable!” Apple Bloom complained as she nearly banged her head against the wall for the umpteenth time. “Why are we doing this again?”

“I already told you it’s the best way to sneak past the rest of the guards undetected!” Scootaloo hissed back “It’s what all the spies do in the movies!”

“You DO realize we are not in a movie right now right?” Apple Bloom asked.

“Quite, I hear something up ahead!”

The three crawled up to an open space and peered down below. They appeared to be above the Royal Guards training facility, and there were several guards in the middle of some kind of exercise. One of the guards who was clearly the trainer stepped up and his fellow guard members stepped to attention.

“Alright maggots, tonight we are going to start with a little tackle training. Split into teams of two, one of you will be on the offensive trying to tackle, and the other will be trying to dodge. Hop to it!”

The guards obeyed automatically and began tackling and dodging each other. The observing crusaders watched as one guard prepared to tackle another guard who was busy reading a book of some kind. The guard reading was taking by surprise as his comrade knocked him off his feet.

“REMIREZ!! WHAT THE HAY DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING!!!” the Trainer yelled as Ramirez comrade helped him back to his hooves.

“I wasn’t ready sir; I was trying to read the guidelines on how to properly dodge an att….”

“REMIREZ WHY IN EQUESTRIA DO YOU NEED INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO DODGE? IT’S NOT THAT COMPLEX!!!”

Above in the air duct Scootaloo and Apple Bloom both gave Sweetie Belle a deadpanned look.

“…………. What?” she responded back.

“Come on, let’s keep going!” Scootaloo waved for the others to follow her.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

After what seemed like eternity the three of them finally managed their way to Celestia’s secret chambers, and Sweetie Belle carefully levitated the three of them down from the vent.

“You know you would think there would be a lot more guards in here!” Apple Bloom whispered looking around the room.

“Maybe there all taking a lunch break?” Sweetie Belle asked hopefully.

“It’s eight o clock at night Sweetie!” Scootaloo reminded her.

“This is the NIGHT SHIFT you dodo, their time table works differently!” Sweetie Belle shot back.

“Quiet you two, Ah think ah see our target!” Apple Bloom hissed pointing a hoof at a table with a piece of paper held on a stand, Celestia’s hoof writing clearly scrawled all over it and her signature stamped on the bottom.”

“Excellent, let’s go grab it and get out of here!” Sweetie Belle began to make her way to the table, but was stopped short by Apple Bloom.

“Hold on their Sweetie Belle, don’t ya think this is a bit too easy?”

“Are you KIDDING ME!” Sweetie Belle hissed back “Do you know how long I’m going to have to bath to get all this dust out of my naturally curly mane?”

“Ah MEAN do you really think Princess Celestia would leave her Super Secrete Recipe unguarded on a table with no safe guards in place?” Apple Bloom replied rolling her eyes.

“Apple Blooms right, it could have one of those hidden trip lines all over it!” Scootaloo added.

“Ok how do you two recommend we get it then?” Sweetie Belle asked annoyed.

Apple Bloom reached into her sack and pulled out a can of red spray paint, then pointing the business end toward the table she sprayed it carefully sure enough revealing the trip lines Scootaloo had mentioned.

“Careful!!!” Sweetie Belle hissed “We don’t want to damage the recipe!”

Apple Bloom finished spraying and returned the can to her sack, next she nodded to Scootaloo who pulled some kind of claw extension out of her own sack. Being careful to avoid the trip lines Apple Bloom had revealed she maneuvered around them and delicately grabbed the recipe, carefully pulling it away from the table before dropping it into Sweetie Belle’s outstretched hooves.

“YES WE DID IT!!!” Scootaloo hoof pumped the hair before being given stern looks from Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle.

“QUITE you moron, were not out of the woods yet!” Apple Bloom hissed back “We still have to get this thing back to Princess Luna without being caught!”

“Oh………. Right!” Scootaloo giggle nervously.

“Come on, let’s find Luna’s chambers and get this over with!” Sweetie Belle placed the recipe in her sack and motioned for the other two to follow her.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Finding Luna’s chamber was easy, the corridor leading to it was lit in blue flames while the rest of the castle was lit normally. The ceiling also appeared to be translucent, giving the CMC a nice view of the starry sky outside.

“Phew, how much do you think it would cost to get a ceiling like that installed in our clubhouse?” Scootaloo asked.
“At least several lifetimes worth of allowance!” Apple Bloom answered admiring the stars herself. The three were so mesmerized they didn’t look where they were going and walked straight into the doors to Luna’s chamber.

“Ouch! Well looks like we are here. Let’s get this over with!” Apple Bloom took a deep breath and slowly opened the doors. Upon entering the three of were instantly under the impression they had stepped into some kind of sci-fi-fantasy story. Luna’s chamber was decorated with solar charts, a large globe, several golden astronomy instruments of the highest degree, the furniture was patterned with moons and stars, and balcony with a giant telescope could be seen just outside.

“WOOOOW, this place is sooo much cooler than Celestia’s chamber!” Scootaloo breathed in awe.

“Why thank you young Scootaloo!” an eerily familiar voice sounded behind them “I’m glad SOMEPONY in Equestria shares my unique taste!”

The three crusaders gulped in fear and turned around to find themselves face to face with none other than Princess Luna and Princess Celestia, both of which were gazing upon the three fillies with smiles of bemusement.

“My sister here thought most of this stuff was a waste of bits, but we have made many a new discovery which will benefit the scientific community of Equestria within the past few years” Luna continued “And speaking of bits’ dear sister we believe you owe us fifty of them!”

Princess Celestia rolled her eyes as she levitated a small sack of bits into Luna’s outstretched hoof. “My apologies our little game dragged you out so far this late” she addressed the Crusaders “I’ll send a letter to your families explaining the situation so you won’t get in trouble.

“……. Wait, WHAT?” the CMC cried in confusion.

“You see” Luna explained “Ever since my return I have been urging my sister here to expand our security and our defense in case of emergency. Our sister of course refused claiming our security was top notch and foal proof. “

“Luna claimed our security was so flimsy even a foal could break thought it!” Celestia continued “So I decided to have her put her money where her mouth was!”

“Which failed as my point ended up being most correct!” Luna replied puffing out her chest.

“It wouldn’t have if half of my guards hadn’t suddenly become pre-occupied calming down two of your guards from running around and yelling hysterics about serial killer foals!” Celestia remarked giving the CMC a look which made Sweetie Belle blush in embarrassment.

“So wait, hold on. You’re telling me you sent the three of us all the way to Canterlot, sneaking around Canterlot Castle at risk of getting arrested or worse killed in order to settle a bet?” Apple Bloom asked angrily.

“Oh you three were in no danger I assure you” Princess Luna replied “If you had been caught you would have been brought to me and I would have ordered your immediate release!”

“So what about this secret recipe of yours then?” Sweetie Belle asked curiously.

“Oh THAT’S just a random recipe for chocolate cake I copied out of a cook book” Celestia chuckled. “It is a very delicious recipe though.”

“Indeed, I believe if it were legal you would marry it in an instant!” Luna joked cracking a smile.

“Err, I don’t suppose we can have some after everything we just went through?” Sweetie Belle asked hopefully.

“Well we don’t have any prepared, but I’m sure I could order my personal cook to whip one up for us real quick!” Luna responded.

The crusaders cheered and followed the two Princesses out of Luna’s chambers. None of them noticed the two Guards flying by the window screaming about the end is night, and the dozens of Day guards following them wishing they had never left their jobs at McDonald Trumps.

The End.

588 views