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The Archivists

The husband and wife team, archivists at the Royal Canterlott Library, are sent on a mission by Princess Luna. The Changelings are back, and they are off to Manehattan to root them out. Not all is as it seems, though, how do you find shapeshifters in one of the largest cities in Equestria?

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 2 )

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Immaneuel Kanter

Immaneuel Kanter #1 · Jul 4th, 2012 · · ·

I would suggest setting the scene more fully at the beginning. You throw the reader right into dialogue without knowing who's speaking or where the scene is taking place. I get that it's an internal monologue, but we still need an idea of what we're looking at.

I would also suggest considering beginning with an entirely different type of introduction. There's a lot of info dumping, which I assume you're using to lead into elements of the plot. Don't worry about it. Just start immediately with something that gets us acquainted with the main drive of the story and let the information you want to communicate bleed naturally into the dialogue and descriptions of what's actively happening.

Also, I feel snarky saying this, but it's, "Canterlot," one "t."

PsyBomb

PsyBomb #2 · Jul 5th, 2012 · · ·

857110
Thanks for the tips. I think my mistake was getting a bit too into the detail-oriented POV character's head. That is all literally how he thinks and sees the world. I'll be rewriting this chapter until I get it right before continuing on to everything else. Just gotta figure out how, but what you've told me will help a lot.

The first couple of lines were originally not supposed to be an internal monologue, either, but I definitely forgot to go back and change it. In my first draft, Weaver was writing the events in the Archives as a frame for the story. Didn't end up working out.