• Published 1st Feb 2017
  • 3,938 Views, 709 Comments

Princess Twilight Sparkle and the Quesadilla Conquest - kudzuhaiku



Twilight Sparkle has turophobia... and her friends decide to help.

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Chapter 1

The train, rocking from side to side, made its way along a barren, cactus strewn ridge where vultures circled overhead, waiting for the train to hit something so they could have dinner. In the distance, a cloud of rust coloured dust rose from the horizon, which was no doubt a vast herd of buffalo moving from place to place. On this train was a group of friends and these friends—the guests of honour—were going to the Appleloosa Friendship Festival.

For Princess Twilight Sparkle, this was a happy time—all of her friends were together in one place, something that didn’t happen as often as she might like. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were having a quiet conversation about the happenings of Ponyville. Applejack and Pinkie Pie were busy whispering words into each others’ ears and then snortling as they clutched one another. As for Rarity…

“Darling, I have some… how shall we say… concerns…” Rarity made a theatrical flourish with her hoof and leaned in a little closer to Twilight. “Twilight, I am somewhat worried about them.” Batting her eyelashes, she pointed over at Pebble and Sumac, who were sitting together with a foal-sized tree dragon crammed into Pebble’s seat.

“What sort of concerns might those be?” Twilight asked, as she had no real concerns of her own regarding Sumac, Pebble, and Boomer. If trouble came along, trouble would be dealt with, it was just a matter of whom might reach trouble first that would determine if that trouble was smashed, pummeled, pulped, burnt to a crisp, or had its molecules dispersed into the aether.

Leaning in a little closer, Rarity dropped her voice down to a low whisper. “They’re at that age when they get all curious… and snoggy.

“Rarity—”

“Twilight, please, I have some idea of what I am talking about, don’t just dismiss me. Just because I haven’t had foals of my own doesn’t mean that I am clueless as to what they do.”

Groaning, Twilight rolled her eyes as Rarity clutched her leg.

“If you don’t believe me, just ask them,” Rarity insisted with a haughty sniff.

Rubbing her chin, Twilight considered her options. Rarity wasn’t going to be quiet about this, Twilight already knew that Rarity was just going to keep going on about this until she had proven that she was right, because that was what Rarity did. Ears perking, she considered Sumac and Pebble, who were both age eleven. When Twilight was eleven, she certainly wasn’t snogging anypony, she was sensible and she kept her nose tucked into books, where it belonged.

“Sumac, Pebble, I have a question for the both of you,” Twilight said, her voice sounding a bit hesitant. For a second, she was distracted by the sound of Spike’s pen scratching and she drew in a deep breath, feeling unsettled without knowing why. “Pebble, Sumac, have you two been snogging?”

Both foals blinked and Boomer’s frills stood out. Applejack stopped mid-word, prodded Pinkie Pie to make her shut up, and then she turned a stern eye on Sumac. Fluttershy gasped and Rainbow Dash began sniggering. Rarity drew in a deep breath and held it, waiting for an answer.

“Sumac,” Pebble deadpanned, “we’ve been discovered. They’re onto us.”

Rarity’s held breath came out in a huff, Applejack looked both proud, worried, and scared, all at once, Pinkie Pie began giggle-snorting, Fluttershy appeared as though she might begin hyperventilating, and Rainbow Dash gave Twilight a funny look.

“You egghead, what do you think they’ve been doing every chance they get when they think we’re not looking?”

“You mean you’ve seen them?” Twilight demanded.

“I see everything,” Rainbow Dash replied, not caring how her words might sound.

“But… eleven!” Twilight let out a gasp and felt a tightness growing in her barrel.

“Twilight, what do you think little foals do from about the age of ten or so onward?” Applejack elbowed Pinkie Pie and the two earth ponies both watched and waited for Twilight to say something in return.

“Especially little earth ponies,” Pinkie Pie added. Then, she placed her hoof up to the side of her mouth, leaned over, and put her muzzle next to Applejack’s ear. “We get urges.

“Uh-huh.” Applejack nodded and her green eyes glittered with glee.

“Awwwk-ward,” Rarity’s voice was a sing-sing falsetto as she pulled away from Twilight.

“But I… but they… but when I was eleven… but…” Twilight, stammering, couldn’t seem to form a complete sentence, so she just gave up with a snort.

“Well, at least we don’t need to hide it anymore,” Sumac said as he wrapped his forelegs around Pebble, closed his eyes, and leaned in for a smooch.

“Don’t you dare!” Applejack barked just as Sumac’s lips almost touched Pebble’s. “I done brought me my rope for lassoing, don’t make me practice!”

With a grunt, Pebble shoved Sumac away from her, and something that was almost a smirk appeared on her muzzle as she did so. Beside her, Boomer covered her mouth with her claws and giggled like a sugar-buzzed chipmunk.

“Aw, pears—”

“Don’t you talk with that kind of language!” Applejack’s eyes narrowed as she reached up and pushed back her hat. “You keep your magic words to yourself, Mister Latrine Lips, you little stinker! You know just what to say to set a pony off!”

Clutching her sides, Rainbow Dash rocked back and forth with laughter and beside her, Fluttershy seemed caught between laughter and panic. Pinkie Pie laughed so hard that she oinked, which completely destroyed Applejack’s serious mien. Batting her eyelashes, Rarity shook her head and gave herself a silent reminder that she was no longer around the more cultured members of society, and she now had to deal with expletives of a most vulgar variety.

“How… how long has this been going on?” Twilight wasn’t sure if she wanted to know the answer. It felt like butterfly refugees from a heavy metal concert had formed an impromptu mosh pit in her stomach.

“Since my ninth birthday, when I got frosting all over my face and Pebble licked it off,” Sumac replied with just the faintest hint of a nervous squeak in his voice. “Twinkleshine shoved a piece of cake into my face that year, it was her turn to do it, and when I went into the bathroom to clean myself up, Pebble snuck in…” The colt’s words trailed off and he gave Twilight a sheepish grin.

Saying nothing, Applejack held out her hoof, blinked once at Pinkie, and then Pinkie gave Applejack a hearty hoof-bump. Fluttershy had turned a lurid shade of pink and was hiding behind her forelock. Twilight squirmed in her seat and Rarity let out a pleased-sounding sigh of contentment.

Boomer, looking bored, drummed her claws on the edge of her seat and her tail swished from side to side. Her yellow eyes gleamed with mischief as she looked at Spike, her idol and favourite dragon. Spike, however, did not notice, as he was absorbed in his writing. To any sharp-eyed observer, it was clear that Boomer was plotting something, and the little dragoness was up to no good.

“There are times,” Twilight began, her voice a bit dry from emotion, “that I feel out of place. Because of my own perceptions being what they are, I thought I was normal, but as life goes on, with each day passing…” Twilight did not finish her sentence because Rainbow Dash exploded with riotous laughter and fell out of her seat.

Pulling out a hoof file and a buffer, Rarity went to work, her blue eyes sparkling as her mouth pulled into a tight, pouty pucker. She waited a bit for Rainbow Dash to quiet down, and when Rainbow finally recovered enough to pull herself back up into her chair, Rarity turned to face Twilight with one raised eyebrow.

“Twilight, if you can forgive me for being so blunt, I think you could do with a bit of romance in your life—”

“Rarity, not this again!”

“I keep thinking that Seville would be perfect for you—”

“Rarity, we’re just friends… really close friends and I am sick to death of everypony trying to make more of it than it really is! The newspapers, Princess Celestia, and you.

“Darling, he’s just your type, he’s quiet, he’s studious, and the two of you get along so well.” Rarity turned away from Twilight and looked down at her hoof as she continued to smooth out the rough edges.

“But he’s just my friend!” Twilight blurted out. “Besides, you don’t even know what my type is!”

“Oh, darling, of course I do, I’m your best friend and I know everything there is to know about you.” A smug smile spread over Rarity’s lips and a strange silence settled over the train car.

“Well then, just what is my type?” Twilight’s face now had a flinty expression.

“Why, Seville of course. He’s perfect for you.”

“Rarity… has it occurred to you that I might be gay?” Twilight asked in a voice that was raspy from strain.

The hoof file stopped, Rarity took a deep breath, and then turned to look at Twilight as the others were now holding their breath, wondering if this would turn into yet another squabble between the two. Rarity and Twilight stared at one another, both had narrowed eyes, and it seemed as though Rarity might be studying Twilight.

“Oh, pish posh… as your best friend I would know something like that,” Rarity said after several tension-filled seconds had passed. She made a dismissive wave with her hoof and then let out a demure huff. With a toss of her head, she flung her mane out of her eyes and let out a nervous laugh. “All of us are mares, and without calling anypony out, some of us are quite open to romantic advances from both genders. Certainly, by now, if you leaned that way, Twilight Sparkle, our little group would know about it. Something would have happened.”

Scowling, Twilight let out a snort and turned away from Rarity as her barrel expanded. Her wings fidgeted against her sides and she shook her head in disgust. “You don’t know as much about me as you think you do. Seville and I are very, very close, I’ll admit to that, we’ve even slept in the same bed together during that retreat in Griffonstone, but we’ve never done anything. Why is it that a mare just can’t be friends with a stallion without everypony making gross assumptions?”

“Darling, public image isn’t fair, but then again, neither is life,” Rarity said as she returned to filling her hoof. “We are slaves to our public image. To some degree, all of us stand out in the public eye, some of us more than others.”

“If the press comes to my house, they get a black eye,” Applejack proclaimed. “Hidden Rose is real fond of ambushing unwelcomed guests, and I don’t do a thing to stop her. I think that there filly might have a future in the guard doing something sneaky.”

Applejack’s words did nothing to disperse the tension in the train car.

“Tarnish has the right idea, walling himself off and surrounding his house with stuff to keep away unwanted visitors.” Rainbow Dash leaned back in her seat and let out a sigh. “I used to like the attention, but I’m sick of being hounded all the time. I actually know how Twilight feels, kinda… I’ve seen the tabloid headlines claiming which Wonderbolt I’ve slept with this week. And somepony is always trying to take my picture if I go to any of the big cities. I hate it, I hate all of it.”

“I don’t even have the luxury of hiding myself away, I have to manage my public image and keep public interest piqued.” Buffing the spot that she had just filed, Rarity’s ears drooped and she slouched, a rare display of awful posture. “I shouldn’t even be taking this vacation, there’s been something of a public relations fiasco in Fillydelphia with one of my store managers, and I should be there in pony to reassure the public. This is going to hurt sales and my public image is going to suffer for a season or two.”

“No more talking about business.” Fluttershy’s words came out as a nervous squeak. “I mean it. We need this vacation together. No more talk about the fashion industry, no more talk about the Wonderbolts, and no talk about about being a princess.”

“Fluttershy, darling—”

“Rarity, I mean it!” For a second, real anger could be seen in Fluttershy’s eyes, and then it vanished. She peered out from behind her pink mane, her nostrils flaring, and her lower lip quivering. “Pinkie Pie doesn’t talk about being a baker, Applejack doesn’t talk about being a farmer, and I leave what I do at home. That’s why we go on vacations, to get away from all that stuff—”

“Yup.” Pinkie Pie’s head bobbed up and down.

“—and Rarity… what you did to Twilight was very rude. Apologise.”

“Fluttershy—”

Apologise. Now.

“But I—”

“But you want to have these bad feelings fester between you and Twilight? Is that what you are about to say?” Fluttershy, in a rare display of actual anger, pointed her hoof at Rarity. “We’re not your public. We’re not swayed by your clever words and subtle expressions. We can’t be managed. We’ve seen you make mistakes, bad ones, terrible ones, and all of us have been there for you during those times when everything fell apart for you. You can’t just smooth over your mistakes with us with pretty words.”

“You’re right.” Rarity slumped over a little more and her ears sagged. She sniffled a bit, drew in a deep breath, and then closed her eyes. After a few seconds she said, “I’m doing it right now… without even thinking about it. My entire reaction was what it was to generate sympathy. Those sniffles weren’t even real ones. My goodness, I am disappointed with myself right now.”

Twilight’s hard expression softened.

“Twilight, I’m sorry.” Opening her eyes, Rarity turned her head and looked Twilight in the eye. “I really am sorry. I can be very overbearing sometimes with my need to manage everything. I shouldn’t have said what I said”—again, her head turned, and Rarity looked around at her friends—“and to all of you, I’m sorry. Fluttershy was absolutely right in everything she said. And she’s also right that I shouldn’t talk shop on vacation.”

“Apology accepted,” Twilight said to the pony sitting beside her. “Now, enough of this. We went on vacation together to have a good time. No more acting like moody jerks.” Twilight smiled, a real smile, a warm, genuine smile, and she gave Rarity a pat. “We should be in Appleloosa soon, I can’t wait…”

Author's Note:

A terrible fate awaits.