One Thousand One Ways to Thwart a King

by enigmaMystere

If the Heroes Run and Hide, Who Will Stay and Fight?

The crystal palace is rapidly approaching, and despite her best attempts to fly away, her lack of proper wing practice leaves her completely helpless to inertia's cruel hand. She brings up her arms and closes her eyes, bracing herself for impact.

Instead, she finds herself landing against something hard, yet undeniably softer than unrelenting crystal. Her eyes flutter open, only to find a vast field of yellow in front of her face. "...Fluttershy?" She blinks, then hazards a glance over her shoulder at the swiftly nearing crystal pathway, yelping as she starts to flail. "F-falling!"

"Are you always this loud?"

Her ear twitches as she turns to look at him, just now realizing just how lazy he looked, and, to a lesser extent, how the only hair on his head was his eyebrows.

She looks to the side, whimpering softly. "...I'm gonna die…"

When the two of them land, Twilight's eyes widen in shock at the sheer destruction under his boots, the crystal road around and below them practically exploding into shards. "...h-how…"

"You can't be serious." Dainn growls, making Twilight jump in surprise in her savior's arms. "This guy doesn't look like he takes his next meal seriously, much less the job of being a superhero!" He smacks his chest with a fist, eyes narrowed. "I am King Dainn! Ruler of Hraljord and soon to be the ruler of Equestria! None shall get in the way of my conquest, and I will not stop trying to rule over everyone, as is my right as king of-"

"You never get tired of hearing yourself talk, do you?" The man says as he sets Twilight down.

The caribou stops, staring at him blankly. "...what?"

He gives the caribou an almost disinterested stare. "I mean, it got my hopes up the first time that you'd be tough, but now it's just boring."

He grits his teeth in annoyance, approaching him with his staff's blade exposed. "What are you talking about?" He jabs his head with the tip of a finger. "I'm gonna bash your head in like the egg that it resembles, and maybe you'll show me the respect I deserve!"

Twilight, starting to get nervous, takes a step forward to try and help the mysterious hero-

Only to stop short when the King explodes into giblets.

Her eye twitches slightly, wondering what just happened, and why the spell hadn't activated, yet. "...I… what?"

The man simply sighs, lowering his fist, light smoke coming from it. "I wonder how Genos would have done against this guy." After a moment, he looks to the unicorn. "I'm not going to keep coming back, right? I need to cook tonight."

The purple alicorn can only stare on in confusion. "...wha-"

---

"Zero."

Dainn jolts as soon as the word finishes, his hands moving to feel himself and make sure he's still alive. "...the fuck was that? I was in darkness for what felt like a minute, there."

The mare takes a few steps back. "I don't know. What I do know - hero - is that I actually saw the aftermath of your death, this time."

His eye twitches and he points an accusing finger at her. "I thought the spell didn't work that way! And don't think I didn't hear that spell you snuck in there, you bitch!"

He barely gets that thought out before a familiar blur of color falls to the street between the two of them, the sound of shattering glass filling the air. They both jump back in surprise at the massive crater that is suddenly made in the ground.

Within rises a familiar shape, the bald casual man that had just been there. Looking around, scratching the side of his cheek with a finger, he remarks. "What, again? Am I getting a doover?" When his eyes settle on the two other figures, he blinks. "Well, maybe the fight will be more fun if I don't go all out on the first blow."

Dainn frowns deeply. "Have you forgotten who I am? I control a magic that you can't even fathom!" His body starts to crackle with electricity, the brown fur turning golden with each arc that passes. "I am the end of any being who dares defy me! The princesses themselves will cower in fear of my might!" He suddenly closes the distance, making Twilight jump back in shock from how fast it was, and swings the blade of his weapon at the man's neck.

The man doesn't seem to move, yet his arm suddenly is upright, the blade crashing into it instead and shattering as it does. Not breaking eye contact with the caribou, he speaks simply. "Ok."

He blinks, then looks to the remains of his staff, frowning deeply. "...I'm starting to think this isn't worth its weight in salt." He sighs, then swiftly punches the man in his face. "I'm not gonna lose again to a man who I don't even know!"

"Oh right, I never told you my name after you said yours." The yellow-clad man suddenly zips to where Dainn had been standing before in a blur of speed. "The name's Saitama."

There's a burst of white right next to him, and Twilight smiles at him as it disperses. "Saitama? That's a nice name. So you're a hero, right?"

He smiles down at her, nodding. "Yeah, registered and everything."

She blinks, her brow furrowing in confusion. "You have to register to be a hero?"

Turning away from the caribou, he explains. "Yeah, I wasn't going to at first, but Genos let me know that I'd stop being mistaken for a villain and even be payed for helping people. Nothing wrong with getting paid for having fun."

"Stop making out with your new boyfriend!" Dainn growls, stomping his hoof and causing an earthquake, causing Twilight to fall against Saitama. "I can hear it from here!"

She carefully pulls away from the man, a soft blush on her face. "You should, uh, go fight him. We'll be here for a while if you don't."

"Oh right, I was watching something before this." He turns to the caribou, his whole body seeming to tense as a new expression comes across his face, like he's focusing entirely on the enemy in front of him.

The King quickly closes the distance, slamming his fist into the hero's chest and making him skid back a few feet, where he hits Twilight and sends her flying through the air. She starts flapping, barely able to right herself.

"I'm okay!"

"Sorry!" Saitama calls back before he moves forward until his face is inches from the king's. One of his glove-clad fists comes forward, driving into his chest like he just did to him.

Dainn staggers backwards, placing a hand on his chest. "Fuck, that hurt!" He blinks, noticing that a certain glow missing about him. His gaze moves to his hands, eyes widening in shock. "M-my spell. You destroyed my spell!"

"And you took a punch." The man grins now, bracing himself for another attack. "Maybe this'll be fun."

"Fun?!" He growls, eyes narrowed as his horns light up briefly… before fizzling out, making him look up at them, dumbfounded.

He turns back to Saitama to see what looks like a fist aimed for his head.

---

Darkness. That was the only thing he could see, the only thing he could feel. Dainn tries to move his hands, but he can't even figure out where they are in the emptiness, much less manipulate them. He tries to turn his head, look around, breathe, but nothing is happening. He wonders if this is it, if he was truly dead, this time. How could anyone stand an eternity of loneliness, of nothingness? Maybe he-

---

"Zero."

The caribou blinks, forgetting how to breathe for a moment before it comes back to him in an explosive gasp, enough to make him double over and grip his knees. "...damn it, he did it again." He rights himself, an eye twitching as he glares at the mare. "I swear, if you summon that fucker one more time, I'll rip off your horn and sodomize you with it!"

She just stares back, an eyebrow raised. "You know I don't have any control over that, right?"

"Don't care, I'll still fucking do it."

The alicorn just rolls her eyes and gestures to her side. "Hero."

Surprisingly, Saitama appears again, but not falling from the sky. Instead, he just pops into existence beside her, making her jump a little in surprise.

"A?" He looks around, seeming even more confused than before. "Nani?"

She places her hand on his shoulder, getting his attention. "Hi, I'm Twilight. Twilight Sparkle. Welcome to the Crystal Empire. I know we never really explained this place in detail, but hey, there's a first time for everything, right?" She giggles brightly, then points to the castle looming over them. "That's where my brother and Cadence reside. They rule over the empire!"

"...nihongo wakaru?"

Twilight's eye twitches slightly. "...I don't know Neighponese. I'm just assuming that's what that is, of course." She clears her throat, her horn glowing as her magic washes over him. "There. I think that should do the trick… at least, I hope so…"

"Well, I can understand you now." He offers, looking at her curiously.

"Great!" She grins, clapping her hands together. "Let's try this again! My name is Twilight Sparkle. I'm the princess of friendship!"

"A lousy thing to be a princess of."

They turn to see Dainn with his hand on the Crystal heart, a slasher smile on his face. "You know, I was going to use this to control everyone. I think it'll work better as a source of power, instead."

The light starts draining from the artifact, climbing up his arm as his magic starts up, turning his fur golden, then crimson red, and finally an electric blue. His eyes narrow and he clenches his fists. "Let's see how you fare against this."

Before Twilight can finish processing his words, there's a powerful smacking of flesh against flesh to her right, and she can barely turn in time to see Saitama flying back from the force of the fist to his face.

The hero flies back into a building, the force entirely shattering the structure and causing to collapse on top of him.

"...wow, that was much easier than I'd thought it'd be." The caribou chuckles, turning to the alicorn with that same unsettling grin. "Ready to die, Princess?"

Suddenly, the rubble rumbles and Saitama casually stands up and walks out of it, dusting himself off. "So, are we going all out from the start?"

"...what?" He scowls at the man, gritting his teeth in annoyance. "How did you survive that? What are you?"

"Just a guy who's a hero for fun." He replies, exhaling and getting into a fighting stance.

"Seriously?" Dainn reaches to the side, catching his staff as it flies towards him, picking up the same glow surrounding his body. "What kind of a stupid description is that?"

"Sadistic misogynistic caribou slaver."

His head snaps in the direction of the mare, who is now hiding behind the heart. "No one asked you, Sparkle!" He turns back to the man, pointing a finger at him. "I am King Dainn, and I will be your downfall."

Saitama appears to be sizing Dainn up. "So, you're pretty tough, then?"

He raises an eyebrow at this. "Yeah, so what? It's not like it's gonna matter to a dead man, is it?"

He redirects a punch with his staff and headbutts the bald superhero. "I'm sorry, did I ever interrupt you?"

The hero blinks before gritting his teeth in determination. "No, but I was having a conversation." He quickly backs off, turning his side to the caribou. "Let's see just how strong you are." The fabric of his gloves strains as he clenches his fist. "Serious Series…"

Dainn can only stare, frowning in confusion. "Serious what?"

Saitama twists his body as he pulls off his attack. "Serious Punch!"

Eyes wide, the king summons a barrier to try and redirect the attack, only to watch it shatter like glass as the man's fist tears through it like nothing.

Twilight felt herself get flung back by the sheer force of the air from his punch, teleporting herself out of any potential danger just before it could start to tear her body apart.

As the world shudders from the attack, the aftermath says it all. The clouds in the sky are rent in a trail that goes halfway across the planet, and a mountain that had existed in the way of the force has simply ceased to be, much like the caribou king.

When he pulls his arm back, Saitama simply looks at the devastation blankly, sighing. "One punch again…"

The mare is left speechless for a moment before leaping forward and hugging him. "That was amazing! How did you do that with one punch? I could barely do that with my magic!" She pauses, then tentatively adds, "and the magic of the other princesses."

He looks back at her, appearing confused by her question. "I just trained really hard. It's no big secret. Are you okay?"

"Much better, thank you." She smiles softly. "Say, uh, would you mind if I brought you back here, sometime? I'd like to know more about you when you're not fighting someone."

"Oh, sure." He turns away from the destruction, nodding at her. "Mind if I bring a friend? He could probably use a vacation."

"Sure! I'd love to meet your friends!" Twilight giggles, holding her hand out to him. "Can I be your friend, too?"

He clasps her hand in his, his handshake oddly gentle. "Okay, you seem nice, so I'd like that."

"Great!" She nods, squealing like a schoolfilly. "Thank you, S-"

---

"Zero."

The alicorn blinks, then pouts, crossing her arms. "Shoot, I wanted to ask him a couple more questions before he left…" She trails off as she sees the caribou glaring daggers at her. "...what?"

He holds out his hand to her, eyes narrowing even more. "Give me your horn. And bend over."

She yelps, flying away to the balcony above and shouting to the heavens.

"HERO!!"

Author's Note:

This was a lot harder than I thought it'd be. Thanks to Rhino for helping me to finally get around to completing it. Next up... well, I'll have to look through the suggestions to see who would be interesting and fun to write for.

Until next time, have a nice day!

Comments

[Phsyco Cell]

You know who would be really fun to see here? Death from Darksiders...

[ImRaidAccount]

ONE PAWNCH!

[HiddenMaster]

That was a lot of fun. Dainn...no, almost anyone against Saitama is just a no show. Saitama wins hilariously, the end.

[ironwar]

When the "Serious punch" happened this came to mind (6:34)

[badninja]

I wonder what the current suggestion list looks like? That way we can offer new entities and see the fun.

[General Brony]

Can we have Sans show up, only to show up again despite Twilight not saying "hero"

[Godzilladragon]

possible Sans dialogue:

"FUUUUCK"

"I'm sorry, I seem to have broken you're ... funny bone."

[AShadyDetective]

Yeah we need sans, or frisk/chara

[enigmaMystere]

8015078
8014921
8014865
Sans, surprisingly, is already on the list.

8014687
Maybe I can make a list in GDocs? Then everyone can make guesses about who the next hero will be.

8014168
I'll look into it.

8014174
8014277
8014293
Glad you all enjoyed it. I wonder if you all know the little secret behind this chapter?

[Advent Link]

how about Vegeta from dragonball? both are egotistical as sin and powerful.

[Worthy King]

8014168 must see it

[notme]

Harry Dresden.

[TheRedBaron]

"Stop making out with your new boyfriend!" Dainn growls, stomping his hoof and causing an earthquake, causing Twilight to fall against Saitama. "I can hear it from here!"