One Thousand One Ways to Thwart a King

by enigmaMystere

Look after the little guy.

There's barely a moment before a girl suddenly dashes out of thin air, skidding to a stop in front of Twilight. Tense, she turns her head this way and that before carefully opening an icy blue eye. Apparently sure she's safe from something unknown, she lets her body relax, her breath escaping her a split second before she notices Twilight. "...what the heck are you supposed to be?"

"I, um… I'm Twilight." The mare awkwardly scratches her cheek, glancing past the blonde girl at the dumbfounded ruler. "I'm a unicorn. And he's a caribou."

She turns to look at him, then back at her, her lips forming a flat line. "Yeah, no, unicorns are a myth, you have wings," the mare blushes having forgotten that, "and caribou don't look like a furry version of Cell."

"Who?"

"...man, you are lucky to live on this world." Shaking her head, the girl offers her hand. "I'm Eighteen."

Twilight quickly takes the hand, glad this one is more likely to be on her side. "N-nice to meet you." Her eyes widen as they look down at the hand squeezing her own. "Wow, that's a strong grip."

"Hey!" The two of them look off to the side to see Dainn growling angrily. "Just because you two damn cunts share a lack of equipment doesn't mean you can just ignore me!"

The girl closes her eyes and sighs quietly, turning to Twilight afterwards. "I'm gonna break his arm."

The princess just smiles wryly. "Mind if I help?"

"...you may just be better than my brother." Eighteen turns back to Dainn, pressing the knuckles of one hand into the other with an audible popping noise. "So, which arm do you prefer?"

"Ha!" He points a finger at her, his horns lighting up with energy. "Like you could even lay a finger on-"

"Left it is."

She's suddenly beside his arm, hitting it with both her knee and elbow. Grunting in pain, he punches her in the face and sends her into a house, holding his hurt but not broken arm. He grumbles to himself, blasting at Twilight mere seconds before she can put up a shield, forcing her to dodge as the blast destroys a crystal home.

"You know, I almost feel bad for you." He sneers as he clears the distance and kicks the alicorn in the stomach. "That first one worked out well, but the second caused you to die, and now this one only gave you a worthless bitch." His horns glow once more with power. "Maybe you'll get better luck next time."

He fires, only destroying the ground as Eighteen flies past and drags Twilight out of the way. Frowning, he turns to look at them, an eyebrow raised.

"You tore my jacket, you jerk." She turns to face him, crossing her arms. "Also, I don't think I've ever seen ki or energy be fired out of horns, before."

He lets out a sigh of annoyance. "It's called magic, you dumb cunt."

Her eyes narrow and she strides over to him. "Then you should be old and wrinkly. For now, though, I think I'll settle for humbled and broken."

"And you think you're powerful enough to do that?" Dainn sneers at her, holding up the arm she tried to break. "If it wasn't clear, you aren't strong enough to injure me."

Eighteen smiles. "Maybe not by myself."

Before his mind can catch up to her words, he feels arms loop under his and hands lock behind his neck, forcing his arms out and to the sides. At the same moment, a fabric wraps around his forehead and pulls it back until he's forced to stare up at the sun, his eyes starting to burn from the brightness.

"What, you think I'm weak enough to be held back by some dumb bitch?" He struggles a bit, arms struggling to reach back towards her before she increases the pressure and tightens her grip on his neck, forcing them straight once more. "Okay, seriously, let go."

"No."

"You know, you're so proud to be a man." He can practically hear the girl's smile in her voice. "I can think of a way to fix that."

Horror fills him only a moment before he's blinded by pain, unable to think of anything until he blacks out.

---

"Zero."

His hands immediately go to his groin, eyes wide and staring at the princess in shock. "How could you let her do that to me? What the fuck is wrong with you?!"

"I didn't know what she was going to do!" Twilight throws her hands up in the air. "Don't blame me for that!"

"I can blame you for whatever I want! That was excruciating!" He shudders a bit.

"Whatever. You were going to cut off our horns, weren't you?"

"...and your point is?"

"HERO!"

Author's Note:

Alright, because of what someone pointed out in the previous chapter, I decided it may be better to go back to my original idea for that chapter. Let me know if you think it's better or not.
Thanks, and I hope you have a nice day!
Also, this is the DBZ Abridged Eighteen. Just to be clear.

Comments

[Dark Colt Sabata]

This was a very funny chapter

[AShadyDetective]

Ya know, I don't know what I was expecting.

[Discorded SheepcityUSA]

All of a sudden I'm imagining Beerus showing up. Like I'm imagining he doesn't care much about the whole Dainn trying to conquer Equestria thing, but after Dainn acts like a pompus douche to him Beerus THEN decides to kick his ass.

[badninja]

DBZ Abridged 18 is the best. That word was only said once and 18 went off. Dainn got lucky he blacked out.

[Gabriel LaVedier]

Heh. A good caribou castration is better than morning coffee.

I'm probably late for suggestions but there is one suggestion no one gives and I think it's a shame. Leroy Jethro Gibbs of NCIS. Seeing him mad at Dainn would be oppression joy.

[ironwar]

Oh do Abridged sears from tfs Hellsing

[ShadowLDrago]

"Hey!" The two of them look off to the side to see Dainn growling angrily. "Just because you two damn cunts share a lack of equipment doesn't mean you can just ignore me!"

I don't think you could have made a poorer choice of words.

[JOEBLACK]

Gabriel Van Helsing. Played by Hugh Jackman in the 2004 movie Van Helsing. It would be EPIC.