• Member Since 15th Dec, 2015
  • offline last seen Last Friday


I am a Fiction Writer, YouTuber, Streamer, and general nerd. "Nothing is that simple!"

Comments ( 17 )

Ooh, a glimpse into the past of our protagonist (of sorts)! I like it!

i believe that in the fallout equestria, Caesar's Legion is called Zebra's Remnants. But the story looks interesting :twilightsmile:

Comment posted by TheFictionalWriter deleted January 23rd

You did good job with putting stuff in so small chapters. :trixieshiftright:
But still they are way TOO short. :ajsmug:

I know they're short but it is my first fic so I'm going with a chapter size that I feel comfy with.

But thanks for the support!

Not the best introduction that I have seen so far, so lets take it from the top:

The traditional thing to do is to call it a "prologue" and not "introduction", the few times that I have seen introductions being made have they been from the writers personal point of view, so this could be a bit misleading.

With your short text will repetition really show, so when you mention twice in a row that balefire scorched the land and only the Stables saved ponies is it not a good sign of things to come. Your prologue is your first impression, and you do always want it to be a good one.

Reading the "Equestrian Desert" am I pretty sure that it have a name, that being "Badlands".

And at last... this did not really do anything original, and as said before do you want your first impression to be a good one. You want to show how your story stand out from the rest, why we should invest time in yours and not the many others, and right now does your description a better job at catching me than your first chapter does with is a bad sign.

Its really annoying, I like to give all stories a change, but those 1 line segments and how some text is smaller as well as italic... yea had to give up on those. A lot of people set the formatting to their preferences, so seeing those smaller letters, which in my case is a light grey against a dark grey, made it impossible to read without hurting my eyes. And sorry I am not gonna go into my settings to read a new story

I see what you’re saying and I thank you for the comment. I am still a new writer so I still need to work on it, though at this moment it’s more of a hobby for me than a dedicated job or project. :twilightsmile:

Hopefully this redone prologue will help, like I said I am still very much new and only hope to get better.

One thing to remember is that comments like mine isn't meant to discourage or ridicule your story, but are meant to point out things that can be better and offer suggestions of improvement. If I was a hater would I just have given your story a downvote and not even commented since it would be a waste of my time, while I took some time to explain where the story went wrong.

I am a hobbiest myself, I paint 40K figures in my pastime, and if someone takes the time to sturdy my figures and point out mistakes and suggest improvements do I know that it is shitty to hear that it could have been better, but whatever they say are always something worth taking to heart.

I thank you very much for any help you can give me, truly I do.

Also you paint 40K figs? That’s awesome!

Yup, I have a way too large Tau army

Comment posted by TheFictionalWriter deleted July 31st

I can’t wait for the next chapter.

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