• Member Since 15th Jan, 2017
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

MorningRose


im 27 and a die hard pegasister to the core and im mainly going to write transmare stories. but i will write others if anypony has a request please let me know. ps i won't charge you for it

E

this is a story about how sunset who still feels guilty about how she had nearly destroyed C.H.S and turning the school into her zombies starts to fall in love with the human worlds twilight and their ensuing relationship. also explains how sunset and twilight finds their destiny. starting in chapter four there willbe an original character called Sky Arrow.

Chapters (13)
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Comments ( 17 )

Well, I guess it's time for my attempt at giving a new writer advice on their first story through giant blocks of text.

Let's start with the description.... wait...
This description is literally a copy-paste of your first chapter! For shame.

For future reference, a description should entice the reader to read your story, without giving away too much. You need to try and bring in the audience, not info-dump them.

Also, a picture would not be unwarranted.

Anyways, onwards to the chapter itself.

Chapter 1 Sunsets broken Christmas

Part one

In my opinion, this is bad and I'd suggest getting rid of it.

It has now been eight months since the friendship games and Christmas is in a month

Yup, this is definitely the descrip...tion... wait a second. This is grammatically corrected! How is this correct when the description isn't? (Except friendship games, which still needs to be capitalized)

Sunset was upset because she knew she was going to end up being alone for another holiday

Show, don't tell with the first part where she's upset. Show her slamming her locker, talk to someone about her feelings, something, not just a narrator's statement.

Usually it didn't bother her because she felt she deserved to be alone after almost destroying the school and turning into a raging she demon

Wow... "deserved to be alone" goes a bit far, and... wait... This is post friendship games, but she still feels heavy guilt? Are we just pretending Rainbow Rocks didn't happen?

But seeing how Twilight's family didn't care when she told them two months and how they didn't care she was still family to them. Sunset started to wonder why.

Uh... what? This... makes no grammatical sense.

As she was walking to the secret room she had found on the second floor of C.H.S a year ago she ran straight into Twilight Sparkle the one friend she didn't want to see.

Double space between "the" and "second"
Also, first she was walking then she "ran into" Twilight? Also, more telling and no showing.

When she saw it was Sunset she felt nervous

More telling, less showing.

When Twilight saw that Sunset had tears in her eyes she said " Sunset what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

No comma after said, more random spacing.

"Leave me alone. I never want to see you again." Snapped Sunset as she turned and ran for her secret room on the second floor.

Uh... what? This is a random violent reaction. You better explain this later... also, snapped should be lower case, and the part about "second floor" is redundant as that's the floor she's currently on.

When Sunset was out of sight Twilight got up and pulled out her cellphone and sent the following message to Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie and Apple Jack

Run on sentence, and you don't have to name all of them, just say "her friends." Short, sweet, to the point.

The message said emergency meeting at wondercolts statue. It has to do with Sunset.

Putting this in its own separate paragraph, centered, with italicizes would look better, removing the "The message said".

"What's wrong?" asks Fluttershy.

"Is Sunset alright Darling?" asks Rarity.

Two asks right after each other, and capitalizing "darling" instead of putting a comma before it? Both are bad things to do.

"Well I just ran into Sunset or rather she ran into me and knocked me down and when i looked up I saw that Sunset was crying. When she saw it was me she said and i quote leave me alone i never want to see you again. Then she turned and ran away."

Capitalization is all over the place here, no single quotation mark around the quote, no punctuation for that quote, and it's saying exactly what we know already happened less than two paragraphs ago. Also, the last period should be a comma since it's followed by a "told".

"I know where she went. Follow me Twilight."says Apple Jack with a look that said don't ask questions.

How does AJ know where she went? Why isn't there a comma before and after Twilight? Also, more telling instead of showing with "the look".

Applejack says to Twilight " Sunset always comes here to be alone. She found it a year ago. Go inside I"m staying out here I sorta promised not to go in there."

Missing comma after Twilight, weird spacing is still going on, exposition, and... "I"m"?! You used quotation marks for an apostrophe? And a run on sentence that should have a period after "here"?

When Twilight saw how upset Sunset was

She just saw her! We just saw her! You don't need this, it's extra annoying fluff!

and says "Sunset what's wrong. Please tell me what is upsetting you. I am worried about you."

No comma after says, the first sentence is a question and requires that mark, and blunt statements of fact.

"Twilight I I am upset because you were accepted as you are. By your brother, your mother and father, and even by Cadence. You have everything family and friends. I hate you because they don't blame you for turning into a demon and almost destroy the world. But still they they don't blame you like the others blame me. Even though our friends say they have forgiven me. I can see that they haven't and I am scared. I'm scared I'll never have a family or even just forgiveness. I'm just tired of being alone." says Sunset crying.

Missing commas in several places, random hate for no real reason, random reasons for being sad, and... the ending period should be a comma, but that entire part about "says Sunset crying" should be removed.

After about a half hour of soothing her Sunset was calm enough to say "I'm sorry Twilight. I always come here when i feel like crying. I never wanted anyone to see me like that. Thank you for listening."

i isn't capitalized, missing comma after "say" and more exposition. Also, time skip of half an hour? Really?

" Sunset I want you to listen and know that what I'm saying is the gods honest truth. Our friends have long since forgiven you but it won't get better if you don't forgive yourself. Also you saved me when i turned into Midnight Sparkle." says Twilight. " By the way do do you have any plans for Christmas?"

They have God in Equestria girls? Also, "Gods honest truth" who is she, Applejack? Also, shouldn't Sunset already know this? She's known them longer than Twilight has. And then a complete 180 tone shift.

I'm afraid this is where I'm going to stop for now... as this is what I'll call the "first arc" of the story (and I use that term very loosely).
Overall notes:
Cons:
-Your description is terrible and needs to be 100% reworked as no work has gone into it yet
-Your grammar needs help. Get an editor, there are groups for that.
-OOC instances
-Tonal shifts
-Time Skips
-The Plots all over the place
-Narrator flips mid-passage from Sunset to Twilight as soon as they collide... hm... (makes a note for a story) Anyways.
-No dialogue that isn't exposition.

I don't know whether or not I'll continue reading and making notes, but that's all the time I can spare for now. Have a good day.

well it was going to be a cross over but i decided not to

I'm very suprised with what I have just read. First this chapter is quite the dozzy if you ask me. We have sunset going through some personal crises that has no context, we have the conflict plus resolution with twilight, the date, the meeting of the parents on both sides, and last but not least the appreciation, or lack thereof the world EG twilight is introduced to. All of this could be a story all on it's own, and yet we have it in a single 4k word chapter. This is not counting all the grammar mistakes, and hidden potential for the situations we find them in. For example why does EG twilight not have more of a problem becoming a pony, that could have helped with this story quite a bit by fleshing it out. So what to take from this? Well find a proofreader. This has a nice potential story. It's just not portrayed as well as it could be.

8072621 i ried to find some proof readers and an editor but couldn't find anyone.

8072746 That's fine, just keep at it. I really want to see you bring in some new ideas, and improve as a writer as you go. Should be a fun ride.

Did Rarity just become Pinkie Pie for a second there? x'D

Noooooo! I want more of this! XD
Will more be coming out for this? ;o

8412343
Awesome! I'm glad there is more coming out soon for this! I was really getting into this story! :D

8413972
yes there will be more to it however it is going to be a transgender sequel featuring sunset and twilight's son

8414084
Ooooo! Even better!

Great story my love.

Why is the text massive?

9461735
I wrote this when I first started and haven't had a chance to fix it

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