• Published 28th Jan 2017
  • 7,041 Views, 114 Comments

Celebrity Dating Game - Dandereshy



Which pony is right for you, the most famous human in Equestria?

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Dating is for Losers

Author's Note:

This is my very first attempt at writing a HiE fiction. I'm writing this without an editor as well as doing it all on mobile. I edit all my own work, so if I've missed any errors and you spot them or have advice on something I can change/add, I would appreciate you letting me know in the comments. Enjoy the story!

You will not date a pony.

In fact, you won't be dating at all. Dating is for losers.

Seriously, who dates? Losers, that's who. Those with nothing better to do than waste their time with someone else, and, loving them. It's those who clearly don't have an Xbox.

Yuck. Non-gamers.

You didn't really need love here. Your hand does plenty of loving anyways.

You came to this conclusion as you strolled through downtown Ponyville on a cool, yet sunny Hearts and Hooves Day. And you dwelt on it.

All throughout town, ponies held hooves, gave each other goo-goo eyes, or made out behind a dumpster. It was absolutely disgusting! Couldn't they find a room to do all that? Have they no shame?

Wearing your favorite pair of jeans, a simple striped T-shirt, and your Nikes, you made your way to the grocery district, part of downtown, ready to cross a few items off your shopping list and head back home. Being out on Hearts and Hooves Day was like poking your own eyes with a smoldering iron, so you also chose to wear a pair of semi-dark sunglasses.

As you pass a small café, sitting at one of the decorated outdoor tables, was a couple, oohing and ahhing at each other, making fish-like kissy faces.

Feeling a bit of momentary rage, you stop and glare at them. "That's gross! Will you get a room? Nobody wants to see you hump each other while they're eating!" You only catch a glimpse of their surprised and confused faces as you spin away and storm off to get your business done.

The nerve of those ponies! Showing public affection...

The tomato stand was clear when you approached it, still mad about earlier. You reach into your bag hanging from your shoulder and pull out some bits, the necessary amount for the red fruits after the recent price change. Plus, being the only human in Equestria and all had its perks; all your food was half priced.

The grey-and-black pony greets you with a nod as you place four tomatoes on the counter, along with eight bits.

"That it?" he asks, taking the bits into a bucket to his left. It didn't have very many in it, so the bits he put in noisily bounced around within until they settled.

"Yeah, that's it," you reply, slightly annoyed at his question. What, did he think you were planning on paying for tomatoes in increments? Did he think you would be buying tomatoes four at a time or something?

He places the tomatoes in a brown bag and hands them over to you. "Have a good day, Anon." After a moment's hesitation, he adds, "Say, are you seeing somepony for Hearts and Hooves Day? I bet you'd make some mare really happy." He gave a chuckle.

Really? These ponies just don't get it! "No! Nor will I ever! Why on earth would I ever want to hold a relationship with a pony? I'd be better off with a dog!" Or my hand, you add to yourself as you roll your eyes and toss the sack of tomatoes over your back before you walk away, mumbling a few expletives as you move on to the next stand.

Why did he think you'd want to date a pony? Pfft. Most mares were taken by today, anyway. There weren't many left, as even the most ugly of stallions could hook up with someone. All it took was to ask.

You walk past a couple near a jeweler, and the stallion was on his knees, presenting a glittering gold and diamond ring to his marefriend, who was crying tears of joy as he asked her to marry him.

"I hope she says no you weiner!" you call out, cupping your hands around your mouth and chuckling as they both gave you dirty looks. They probably didn't expect you, of all Equestrians, to be spiteful of such a beautiful moment.

Wait... did you just call it a beautiful moment?

You stop in the middle of the dirt path and slap yourself silly a few times, earning a few curious stares from nearby ponies.

What is wrong with you? Ponies marrying wasn't beautiful! It was angering! It was revolting! Why did you even think about it in the first place? Must be losing your touch.

You continue on, ignoring the many couples around you, who were expressing their happiness, their love, their fulfillment.

You turn and head for the local bar. You're thinking too much. Now you need alcohol to clear your thoughts.

You slip the unfinished list of needs back into your bag to forget until tomorrow. Shopping on a day like this was useless. You should have known ponykind would interfere with your plans.

As much as they all adored your presence amongst them, you didn't. You weren't even supposed to be here. It was an accident that you came to this colorful, pony-filled land. Whatever. It didn't matter. When you went to any pubs, bars, or breweries in Equestria, drinks were on the house. That much was good.

Upon entering the bar, only a few stallions were inside, drinking away their pain and lonliness. You'd be joining them.

Tossing your bag on the floor beside a stool and sitting down heavily, you tap the counter. "Hit me with something strong."

The bartender shrugs. "Sure. Why are you here, Anon? Ain't you got a girl to be loving on a day like today?" As he pours you your request, you give him your evil eye, without a response. He sets the glass in front of you and shrugs again. "Don't blame me for asking. Curiosity."

You grunt and down the glass instantly. The bartender raises an eyebrow. "What?" you ask, giving him a look. "I'm thirsty."

He takes the glass and refills it. "Sure, sure."

You snatch up the glass and gulp it down a second time, feeling the liquid burn your throat and bring tears to your eyes. "Dear god... What the hell is this, acid?" You cough and gag.

The pony shrugs again. "Something strong."

"Whatever... just fill the glass again." You lay your head on your arms and sigh. Bad day already, and you just left home ten minutes ago. That might be a record.

The glass slides and taps your arm, spilling a little of its contents. You sit up and sip it, giving another deep, unsatisfied sigh. What were you going to do?

It was Hearts and Hooves Day, and you can't get away from your loneliness. It's been existent since you came to Equestria. There were no humans besides yourself here. So really, you had but one option.

Date a pony.

You immediately gag at that thought. The alcohol didn't help.

No no no, you thought quickly, I am not partaking in besteality.

But who was there to date? The animals in the forest? A griffon?

Giving an exhasperated sigh, you give up. The only way to end your tormenting sadness and blazing rage was to date...

... A pony.

The bartender notices the look on your face and refills your glass.