You will not date a pony.
In fact, you won't be dating at all. Dating is for losers.
Seriously, who dates? Losers, that's who. Those with nothing better to do than waste their time with someone else, and, loving them. It's those who clearly don't have an Xbox.
Yuck. Non-gamers.
You didn't really need love here. Your hand does plenty of loving anyways.
You came to this conclusion as you strolled through downtown Ponyville on a cool, yet sunny Hearts and Hooves Day. And you dwelt on it.
All throughout town, ponies held hooves, gave each other goo-goo eyes, or made out behind a dumpster. It was absolutely disgusting! Couldn't they find a room to do all that? Have they no shame?
Wearing your favorite pair of jeans, a simple striped T-shirt, and your Nikes, you made your way to the grocery district, part of downtown, ready to cross a few items off your shopping list and head back home. Being out on Hearts and Hooves Day was like poking your own eyes with a smoldering iron, so you also chose to wear a pair of semi-dark sunglasses.
As you pass a small café, sitting at one of the decorated outdoor tables, was a couple, oohing and ahhing at each other, making fish-like kissy faces.
Feeling a bit of momentary rage, you stop and glare at them. "That's gross! Will you get a room? Nobody wants to see you hump each other while they're eating!" You only catch a glimpse of their surprised and confused faces as you spin away and storm off to get your business done.
The nerve of those ponies! Showing public affection...
The tomato stand was clear when you approached it, still mad about earlier. You reach into your bag hanging from your shoulder and pull out some bits, the necessary amount for the red fruits after the recent price change. Plus, being the only human in Equestria and all had its perks; all your food was half priced.
The grey-and-black pony greets you with a nod as you place four tomatoes on the counter, along with eight bits.
"That it?" he asks, taking the bits into a bucket to his left. It didn't have very many in it, so the bits he put in noisily bounced around within until they settled.
"Yeah, that's it," you reply, slightly annoyed at his question. What, did he think you were planning on paying for tomatoes in increments? Did he think you would be buying tomatoes four at a time or something?
He places the tomatoes in a brown bag and hands them over to you. "Have a good day, Anon." After a moment's hesitation, he adds, "Say, are you seeing somepony for Hearts and Hooves Day? I bet you'd make some mare really happy." He gave a chuckle.
Really? These ponies just don't get it! "No! Nor will I ever! Why on earth would I ever want to hold a relationship with a pony? I'd be better off with a dog!" Or my hand, you add to yourself as you roll your eyes and toss the sack of tomatoes over your back before you walk away, mumbling a few expletives as you move on to the next stand.
Why did he think you'd want to date a pony? Pfft. Most mares were taken by today, anyway. There weren't many left, as even the most ugly of stallions could hook up with someone. All it took was to ask.
You walk past a couple near a jeweler, and the stallion was on his knees, presenting a glittering gold and diamond ring to his marefriend, who was crying tears of joy as he asked her to marry him.
"I hope she says no you weiner!" you call out, cupping your hands around your mouth and chuckling as they both gave you dirty looks. They probably didn't expect you, of all Equestrians, to be spiteful of such a beautiful moment.
Wait... did you just call it a beautiful moment?
You stop in the middle of the dirt path and slap yourself silly a few times, earning a few curious stares from nearby ponies.
What is wrong with you? Ponies marrying wasn't beautiful! It was angering! It was revolting! Why did you even think about it in the first place? Must be losing your touch.
You continue on, ignoring the many couples around you, who were expressing their happiness, their love, their fulfillment.
You turn and head for the local bar. You're thinking too much. Now you need alcohol to clear your thoughts.
You slip the unfinished list of needs back into your bag to forget until tomorrow. Shopping on a day like this was useless. You should have known ponykind would interfere with your plans.
As much as they all adored your presence amongst them, you didn't. You weren't even supposed to be here. It was an accident that you came to this colorful, pony-filled land. Whatever. It didn't matter. When you went to any pubs, bars, or breweries in Equestria, drinks were on the house. That much was good.
Upon entering the bar, only a few stallions were inside, drinking away their pain and lonliness. You'd be joining them.
Tossing your bag on the floor beside a stool and sitting down heavily, you tap the counter. "Hit me with something strong."
The bartender shrugs. "Sure. Why are you here, Anon? Ain't you got a girl to be loving on a day like today?" As he pours you your request, you give him your evil eye, without a response. He sets the glass in front of you and shrugs again. "Don't blame me for asking. Curiosity."
You grunt and down the glass instantly. The bartender raises an eyebrow. "What?" you ask, giving him a look. "I'm thirsty."
He takes the glass and refills it. "Sure, sure."
You snatch up the glass and gulp it down a second time, feeling the liquid burn your throat and bring tears to your eyes. "Dear god... What the hell is this, acid?" You cough and gag.
The pony shrugs again. "Something strong."
"Whatever... just fill the glass again." You lay your head on your arms and sigh. Bad day already, and you just left home ten minutes ago. That might be a record.
The glass slides and taps your arm, spilling a little of its contents. You sit up and sip it, giving another deep, unsatisfied sigh. What were you going to do?
It was Hearts and Hooves Day, and you can't get away from your loneliness. It's been existent since you came to Equestria. There were no humans besides yourself here. So really, you had but one option.
Date a pony.
You immediately gag at that thought. The alcohol didn't help.
No no no, you thought quickly, I am not partaking in besteality.
But who was there to date? The animals in the forest? A griffon?
Giving an exhasperated sigh, you give up. The only way to end your tormenting sadness and blazing rage was to date...
... A pony.
The bartender notices the look on your face and refills your glass.
First Comment!! Sorry, couldn't resist. The start is kind of bad but maybe this story could turn out good.
7904042
Well, could you explain what you mean by "bad"?
Anon for example does not have much character and is immature. He is also a tad bit disrespectful.
7904065
Good points. But, perhaps it was my intention to make him that way in the beginning and have him develop a bit during the course of the next few chapters...?
Why dating one pony when you can date any of your favorite pony characters like more than one? It's better than trying not to cause only some places have more mares than stallions, like both Ponyville and Canterlot for example.
7904071
Hmm. Good point. Perhaps if you want to make a character that is cold hearted, then read my story called Cold Hearted and use it as a reference point for future cold hearted characters or for this story's Anon's personality.
7904078
Fair point. And thanks for the fave!
7904088
I'm not sure I want him to remain cold hearted, but maybe I'll give your story a read.
Eh I'm of the opinion that it's fine to start of with maybe a less mature and respectful character, allows room for growth.
Also he called a pony a wiener so I'm pretty much sold on the story
Alright, you have my attention.
7904575
Sweet!
7905412
Glad for that!
7905696
Awesome. I'll try to keep it.
PFFT
I'm guessing you meant beastiality, but somehow, what you put just fits better
7966256
I had to double check that this wasn't written by Bendy.
I just saw this in the box for the first time. Looks amusing, so I'l give it a read. I guess good timing got me seeing it as it finished.
You asked for corrections if they came up, so:
1) 7966256 This spelling correction.
And 2)
Given that you said you're writing this on your phone, I totally understand how that happened, but it's "...times, earning a few..." if it wasn't obvious.
In terms of the story itself so far, I found myself thinking, Wow, Anon's a dick in this one, but I've actually never seen him portrayed that way (I'm sure there are other stories that do, but this is the first I've come across), so something new will be interesting. Gonna have to see how he develops into less of a dick later.
Interesting start, tomorrow I might be busy with D&D again. ^^
7966256 Bestiality
Whatever. It didn't matter. When you went to any pubs, bars, or breweries in Equestria, drinks were on the house. That much was good
You said this sentence twice back to back.