The new kid (edited)
---New York---
"Please, I'm sorry…” A thug said in fear, backing up slowly against a wall. “H-have mercy, please..." He choked out as a figure holding a flaming chain approached him.
"Sorry, fresh outta mercy.” The frightening figure spoke with a demonic voice. "Any last words?" The figure spoke, tightening it’s grip on the chain.
"P-please…don't kill m-me…” The thug said, as rivers of tears flowed down his fear ridden face. “I'll do anything…just don’t hurt me…"
"Funny, isn't that what that girl told you before you killed her?" The figure said with a questioning tone in his voice.
“I…” The thug kept crying, screaming in pain as the role of justice had been delivered by the inanimate man who swung his chain.
“You...guilty….." The figure said as the chain consumed the thug.
---Canterlot City; Following Day---
"Hey girls! How are you?” A girl with crimson and gold hair said as she walked up to a group of girls.
"Oh hey Sunset. Did you see the news last night, or were you just doing nothing like always?” A girl with eye catching rainbow hair said as Sunset began to settle in with the rest of the group whom she was walking to.
"Didn’t catch it, why? Something worthwhile to watch that isn’t magic hungry villains taking over our school show up?" Sunset asked with curiosity, and with a hint of sarcasm.
“It seems as if what a hero should be has been corrupted to do something outstandingly barbaric, darling Rainbow Dash.” A ladylike girl with sassy yet glamorous indigo hair commented.
"Well, I suppose I agree with Rarity…” whispered the shy, animal scented girl. “If he even is a hero."
"What? Girls, what are you talking about?" Sunset questioned, the confusion and curiosity now reaching boiling levels.
"What's she sayin’ is that this so called hero doesn't even look like one. As what for Rainbow mentioned, someone finally caught the monster on camera."
"I beg your pardon? What on earth!" Sunset spoke, something deep inside her telling her this was going to be another chaotic week as well. "Someone just tell me what everything boils down to!!”
A sigh followed by some tapping on screen followed. "There's been some guy that's been spotted in New York killing criminals.” Rainbow explained, clearing out the summary for Sunset as she lifted her phone to further show it. “Take a look." She said as she pulled up a video.
"Awww, what in..." Sunset awed as she watched the video, as a shady, what looked down to be some sort of thief backed up against a wall. Then some unknown figure with a terrorizing flaming skull came to contact with the thief.
“The heck is that?" Sunset asked with a hint of terror in her voice.
"It calls itself the ‘Ghost Rider’ ." Applejack began, Rainbow tucking her phone away. "My granny always told me stories ‘bout him."
"It gets crazier too. That guy you saw Ghost Rider going after? He was a leader of one of the most violent gangs in New York." Rainbow Dash quoted. Silence crackled down on the room in which the six girls were at; the shock of Sunset as to what a “bad hero” was actually doing in New York. “The police couldn’t bring the gang down."
"How can someone get this kind of power?" Sunset questioned, her mind zooming off as to what dark magic could the man, ‘Ghost Rider’, be using.
"He’s said to have sold his soul to the devil." Applejack stated as fluttershy whimpered. “Who knows who he was before he became...this."
"Let's just hope we never meet him, and move on to another, more friendly subject..” Rarity nervously chuckled as the bell rang. "See you darlings at lunch!!"
---New York; Same Boring Day---
"Uggggghhh…...pain…" I said as I opened my eyes. “Need...water…."I carelessly rolled off my bed falling to the floor with a loud thud, as I extended my hand out to bring the remedy that is water to my aching throat. “Thanks for the water…wait what?”
You are most welcome. Suddenly, a strange voice spoke inside my head, continuing, What are friends for?
"We're not friends.” I said as the voice cackled. “Never have been, never will be.”
Just admit it, you like me here!! the voice proclaimed, chuckling. I know you do.
"Please, just shut up." I said as I stood up and looked in the mirror, in the reflection I saw my bright white hair and piercing blue eyes. "Please ignore what I just said, and tell me, Is eye patch still after us?"
You mean Nick Fury? Yeah, that pest's still there. The voice said, my only indication was to groan. We had a hard time last night trying to shake em’ off.
"At least he didn't call any Avengers, right?” Once again, silence took over my head and thoughts. " You’re sh*tting me dude, who was it?"
….The…tin man. I groaned yet again and lifted my shirt, just to see a burn mark. The repulsor cannons he had really strike us up, but hey! At least it wasn’t green alien buff man? Am I right?
"Indeed you are...now my face." I went to the bathroom and washed my face. "Should we leave?" I asked.
Yes….but this time I choose….right?, the voice said as I rolled my eyes. Hmm ,I say…Canterlot City?
"Why there?" I then grabbed my backpack and started putting clothes in it." You remember my origins lay there…don't you?”
Yeah yeah, but hey! Your old buddies live there! I sighed, as the voice continued on. Perhaps maybe you get lucky and meet…..y’now…a girl.
"Gee thanks 'dad'." I said sarcastically. “But seriously, why do you want to go there?"
Not only is there a ton of dark souls, there is also some magic…..it’s sketchy. The voice said.
"Magic?" I asked as I swung my backpack over my shoulder. “What kind?"
Don’t know. The voice answered, which worried me. Ready for some fun?
"Of course." I said as I left my apartment." If I recall however, Canterlot has a high school, right?"
Yeah, and an old friend of yours even goes there. Rainbow Dash, Dashie, remember? The voice said with a giddy tone.
"I haven't seen her since middle school." I said as I left the building. "Say… where did you park the bike?"
Five blocks down, then to the left.. I really was starting to feel the mental abuse now, if not before. Start walking, move, keep walking, soldier keep moving on~
"Will you SHUT UP!!" I screamed, something that I then regret, as I saw people gave me strange looks and trying to walk as farthest away from me as possible. “I really hate you Rider," I said as Rider cackled. “This…..this is going to be a long trip."
Introducing new Oc
blizzard wind
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The description is very off-putting. There are proper nouns that need capitalisation, capitals where there shouldn't be and too many commas.
I agree with 7882324. It should look more like:
7882428 Agreed
OK, so you definitely need somebody to help you learn how to write. You don't seem to have any functional grasp of how punctuation, capitalization, or a number of other things are supposed to work. That would be the first thing you need to work on before you try to commit to a project like this: getting the basics down.
Get a prereader and an editor to help you, to work with you and teach you how this writing thing works.
The description is poor mate, it needs a lot of work. If you don't get the description of a story done well enough, then nobody will care to read it.
7882761
7882324
7882428
7882625
Thanks for the honesty, I can try to find an editor, but seriously thanks
7882625 no any good editors
This really looks like something great but the grammar is something you have to work on.
Maybe get a editor or something, i like the first chapter tho so that's a plus
7882876 I'm currently looking for one now, and thanks for the feed back
I love ghost rider dude I like and favorite this story
7882873 *know
There are at least half a dozen groups on FiMF that exist solely to help new writers. I suggest you ask around in a few of those.
7882967 ALready found one, also, updated the description, better?
This gunna be good.
7882981 POP QUIZ
Who was just mentioned?
7882802 Mate, just write with your heart, study some grammar, and practice until it starts to shine. I know it worked for me.
7882990 Hmm? Iron Man
The description is way better well done!
iron man?
7885928 Featured where? 'Cuz it sure ain't featured on FiMF. I mean, it's nice if you wanna pretend and all.
Also, don't mass-reply to everyone who ever commented on your story. It makes you look noobish.
7886019 It gone now, it was just one there! But I see what you mean?
And watch your words next time
7886043
that's a awkward sentence
as is this one I would try " why something worthwhile show up that isn't magic and trying to take over the school." or "or trying to take over the school."
wow what the shit that's a pretty harsh word to just drop in the middle of a sentence I mean fucktard is less extreme than that
I think theirs a "said" missing in there
8318606
Huh, thanks I didn't notice the missing word their, thanks for pointing that out
O-k canterlot high school is in trouble again and wouldn't this thing ghost rider go after sunset?
hmmm... i havent actualy seen this movie before, should i watch it before reading?
lets hope that this aint anonamiss or the whole school if screwed
8482408
You don't have too, all you need is a little bit knowledge about Ghost riders, there is anon a miss in the story, rider will indeed go after them, but not in this book
7882990
Iron man
8482420
Hey, is it okay if I use your OC in my stories?
You know, if that is Zarathos, then it isn't a demon. It is the Angel of Justice. Also, this fic is hopefully headed towards badass. Remember that the Rider with Zarathose (and Danny, who had the Angel of Death in him as his Spirit of Vengeance) appears to be canonically basically invincible against anything short of God himself. Not in the "this fight is easy" way but in the "I might have a real fight on my hands, but you're fucked anyway." How fitting that Johnny Blaze (has Angel of Justice) and Danny Ketch (has/had Angel of Death) are brothers.
Hulk didn't really harm the Ghost Rider when they fought in World War Hulk. Johnny was holding back the Rider's power to maintain control, but after being smashed and getting up like nothing happened, the Rider managed to take control and basically just wandered off because he didn't give a crap about fighting the Hulk because the Illuminati were not innocent and so did not deserve his protection. Doctor Strange noted that the Ghost Rider's power is infinite.
8925590
Well, I hope yI u enjoy the story, it was my first time writing something like this, and yes Zarathos does appear
7882990
Iron man or the hulk?
Glad I found this.
You have any idea how hard it is to find a mlp and ghost Rider cross that doesn't make me cringe at the first chapter for whatever reason?
Not to mention there aren't that many to begin with.
Looking forward to this.
The video in the Author’s note is unavailable. What was it?
Ah. TobyMac. Definitely something that a LITERAL DEMON would listen to.