• Member Since 20th Oct, 2013
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Sollace


At the end of the day all that really matters is that you had fun.


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Celestia. Princess, leader, some might say even a god.

But not many know what goes on in the princess' mind. What she could be thinking, that fateful day.

The day she was defeated at Cadance's wedding.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 20 )

You should comb through this later for editing work. Read it out loud as you do. That's a common method for editing to see if a line makes sense, or if it is wonky. I see a number of things where you omit words, have weird word choices, or have odd comma placement.

“Enough,” a calm, smooth voice echoed across the room. Controlled and constrained, but seething with rage. Princess Celestia stepped in front of her, her horn blazing brightly, “I will not allow you to take over my kingdom without a fight.” She glared the Changeling Queen down, her eyes narrowed.

The first line of dialogue is alright. The second line of dialogue needs a 'Celestia says' before it to work. If you end (or start) a sentence with dialogue followed by a comma going into action, you have to have a comma. If you don't, use a period.

"Blah blah blah," said Celestia.

"Blah blah blah." Celestia moved forward.

These are correct.

"Blah blah blah." said Celestia.

"Blah blah blah," Celestia moved forward.

These do not.

In that same paragraph I chose for an example before, "Controlled and constrained, but seething with rage." also is an incomplete sentence. You need a noun in there. 'Rage' is a noun, but it doesn't work as a noun for the rest of the sentence to work upon. You need to specify whose rage (in this case, Celestia's, whether as a pronoun 'her rage', or proper noun, 'Celestia's rage').

Shining Armour should be Shining Armor. I'm well aware armour is a perfectly acceptable spelling, and I default to British spelling most of the time, but Shining Armor is an actual name. It's not something that'll break your fic in comparison to grammar mishaps, but it'll trip a lot of people up otherwise.


As for the actual content of the story, it's alright. It's not really treading any new ground for the most part. There's still a fair amount of debate over whether Celestia was holding back, and the general consensus has always been that if she was, it was because she doesn't really have an 'in-between' level of restraint between moderate power and flat-out annihilation.

7879440
Alright, thanks.

Does it work if I change it like this?

“Enough,” a calm, smooth voice echoed across the room, controlled and constrained but seething with rage. Princess Celestia stepped in front of her, her horn blazing brightly. “I will not allow you to take over my kingdom without a fight,” she glared the Changeling Queen down, her eyes narrowed.

7879458 No. You need a saidism in the second half of the paragraph still. If you want a comma linking dialogue to action, you need to actually have somebody saying something.

“I will not allow you to take over my kingdom without a fight,” she said as she glared the Changeling Queen down, eyes narrowed.

7879490
Eeeh. Okay.

I've put in the said-ism and fixed mistakes throughout. The Shining Armour thing I'm still not fully with.

(Edit: And said-ism removed again thanks to some external input.)

I would have loved to see this extended to a much longer degree, but even so, this is also pretty good. Message was a bit blunt though.

7880925

Message was a bit blunt though.

:/

Hm, yeah, maybe. There's always something I don't get quite right in a story.

To me it was something I haven't really seen explored, so I figured why not.

I think one of the issues here is that the story begins with us re-reading a scene we've all seen. Moreover, you've changed the dialogue from the show script for reasons I don't quite get.

The story would be stronger if it started off at the vision, or perhaps had a lead-in; Luna, for example, asking Celestia why she lost a fight she could have won, and that prompting Celestia to remember and recount.

The other bit - you hint at there being a well of power she can tap, but there being something about it that makes her loathe to do so. I want to know what that is, and I think if the story had worked more of that angle it would have been stronger overall.

7892853
True, I see what you mean.

Differences in dialogue is largely due to my memory. I haven't seen that episode in a long time, and haven't the episode handy to check when I was working on the story. I tried to get it as close as I could remember.

The other bit - you hint at there being a well of power she can tap, but there being something about it that makes her loathe to do so. I want to know what that is, and I think if the story had worked more of that angle it would have been stronger overall.

It's a little implied that she doesn't want to end up like Sombra who, in my headcanon was originally corrupted in a similar way.

7892905 See, that last bit is an interesting idea that would have enhanced the story had it been something we readers could have gleaned :rainbowwild:

Thanks for the response :)

7892907
Yeah, if Id thought about your idea (framing it in a discussion with Luna) I could have made that clearer. :pinkiesad2:

Thanks for the comment. :twilightsmile:

7893161
Heh. But that's now safe for a dark celestia fic to use. :3

7892905 Yah, the signal for that (the weird dark energy around her eyes) was a bit weak. Because it's unclear what Celestia did that was so "dark".

My impression in canon is she turned Discord to stone because she had no option to kill him. I mean, Twilight kills Sombra and Celestia never comments on it. It's presumed that lethal force _is_ an acceptable option in ponyland in some cases.

...and this is the sort of thing that makes a story like this awkward, because unpacking a complex moral argument without making it feel artificial and forced is quite tricky. Especially in a short story.

It wasn't horrible but it's kind of a headscratcher what's so horrible about killing Chrysalis. Given Chrysalis as shown in Canterlot wedding and the comics (I haven't seen the S6 finale, please don't comment on this) is PuppyKicker McMeaniePants.

Also why does Celestia have to choose death rather than, say, surrendering (or fleeing) ?Chrysalis does slap her in a cocoon in canon for a reason after all.

Plus, dying to hopefully inspire Twilight to be awesome and somehow beat Chrysalis nonlethally...that seems less good leadership and more of a Hail Mary pass :unsuresweetie:

The basic idea's okay but it needs a much better frame and just can't be plausible in a super short format. If you're going to start using atypical headcanon or unusually stringent moral criteria (compared to the show) you need to develop these things to make them feel real enough to grab the audience.

Would love to see it in a longer format with a less contrived moral test.

I do like the idea of exploring the notion that restrain of power is the greater part of heroism though.

7910468
Aw... :ajsleepy:

It's not so much the act of killing, it's the use of maximum power that's meant to be the focus. (I hope I'm not contradicting myself here :/) It's told from her perspective so a lot about her own anxiety, and her fear that if she uses the power she loses herself, and then she'd be no better than Sombra.

But that's probably what I get for trying to bite off more than I can chew.

Would love to see it in a longer format with a less contrived moral test.

More words (almost) always makes everything better. Unfortunately I'm not really in any position to pick up another long fic.

Next time (maybe) I'll do better.

7910814 Well, I apologize if my tone was a little harsh there.

I mean, for a drabble, it was competent. I doubt my own writing's a lot better. But the reason I haven't hit publish yet is I'm trying to get better before I commit to any long story.

Ironically, this isn't the first time I've made this general criticism about a mold breaking story about Canterlot Wedding. MS's exceptional The Perfect Day still was undercut by the exact same issue: if you're going to do something really unusual, you probably can't get away with it in a short format because people will dismiss it out of hand for not fitting their preconceived notions.

Alas, there's just so much creativity we can take in a given space of words often (unless a special akido is used to get around peoples attachment to their preconceptions).

But I think there's also something genuinely murky there. Are you saying the MLP world has some innate metaphysical property that excessive use of power is innately corrupting? I mean, Celestia raises and lowers the sun everyday. That seems to me to be much more over the top for power than roasting a bug, even a superpowered hopped up on love-vibes queen bug :trollestia:

I'm honestly not sure I understand what you were trying to get across now...

But do keep writing, you are avoiding serious facehoofing errors (pretty much all of them) and that's something :yay: (seriously, read the popular list sometime even paring out clop :pinkiecrazy: )

7910841

But do keep writing, you are avoiding serious facehoofing errors (pretty much all of them) and that's something :yay: (seriously, read the popular list sometime even paring out clop :pinkiecrazy: )

Oh yeah, I've seen some of the things that get written. I mean, clop will get good ratings pretty much no matter what.

My idea is that moving the sun doesn't take all that much power, really. Just a bit of basic telekinesis to give it a nudge and it'll go the rest of the way. It's with the range, and maintaining that connection that the difficulty comes in.

Then there is the sun itself that serves as that massive store of power. It's not difficult to tap into it, but because it's not her own, or something she uses on a daily basis, it's only natural that it would be difficult to control, and a possible source of corruption.

(Yeah, I realise there's probably quite a few concepts I had to build on to make it work)

And it's cool, no need to apologise. The feedback is always welcomed here.

Amazing story about making the right choices as a leader, choosing to be a good leader rather than a tyrant. I like it very much.

One little thing that needs to be changed is: in the second paragraph, it reads 'his believe mistress’ eyes'. I think you meant to write 'beloved' instead of 'believe'.

7923652
Nope, that's about right. Though it should probably be believed.

I'm just going to sum it up like this.


I love this story, I love the thought process of the Demi-Goddess. It's a little cliche but you pull it off well enough to keep the character in tact. I hope to see more stories like this one. Keep up the good work.

8175738
It's comments like these that make me want to keep doing what I do. Thanks! :heart:

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