• Member Since 27th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen 50 minutes ago

BronyWriter


I write pony words. Millions of them. Some people actually think they might be worth reading. I am very thankful for that. Also, I have a Patreon now?

T
Source

A good friend will help you move, but a true friend will help you move a body.

Rarity desperately hopes that the latter is true.

Featured on EQD 3/11/17

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 206 )

*Jump in to new BW story
Am I...am I that early that there are no comments? Not even a vote? wow...just...wow.

It was...huh. I found it a bit silly at times but the characters were- It was such a ridiculous situation I couldn't tell who was OOC and who was just reacting to a situation they couldn't possibly have prepared for. I mean, if something really, really weird happens to me, I just tend to cruise along with it, so I can't dismiss that...

7881145 I was going more for the latter, obviously. We can't know for sure how the girls would react to "oh, Rarity needs help hiding a body." I did try to make things a bit absurd, too.

Does that mean you have hidden a body?

Pretty cool story, btw.

"Rarity... Rarity, that's terrible! Do you need me to have her arrested, or something like that? I can do that!"

So Twilight is willing to arrest a mare who, if anything, should be sued for battery, but not somebody who committed manslaughter? And just because she's her best friend?

As a result, she pushed me. In one of my less wise and more emotional moments, I... pushed her back.

So do boys and girls on the playground.

assault

If she wasn't threatening Sweetie Belle, I'm still sticking with my battery statement.

Sure, the mare would be arrested for assaulting a minor if she was still alive

Hun. I'm only 13, and I don't really know that much about our world just yet. But even I can tell that this mare doesn't deserve be arrested.
Maybe fined, but arrested?

Besides that: this mare was just some pony Rarity heard was buying groceries. How do you know she wasn't mentally ill, and has fits of rage from time to time? That she didn't have a family, kids? You aren't even gonna alert them of this!? And why the fudgemeatball are the rest of the Main Six cool with this!?

Look, I'm not saying that I don't like this story. But to be perfectly honest, I didn't love it either. Reading a story about Yandere Sim— umm, I mean Rarity and Twilight getting away with murder could potentially be very interesting. But I really don't know about this. I'm just stuck in the middle. I will leave a like though.

Reads bio.* never heard of that saying... but it's probably true

I am reminded of one of our GURPS games where an assassin ambushed the party while they were in a bar, sitting quietly at the table. He walks up, pulls out a magical crossbow with a particularly nasty bolt loaded, makes the unfortunate mistake of announcing his attack, and--

One of the nicest guys in our group, wouldn't harm a fly in real life, was running an absent-minded stonemage by the name of Father Dismas with much the same characteristics. The Stone college is mana-heavy, so you don't normally cast more than one or two spells before having to recharge. With that in mind, he had bought Flesh to Stone at skill 21, so he could cast it *without* words or motions in a single action (the higher the skill, the less time it takes to cast). Flesh to stone. Earth to Air. Assassin? What assassin?

Yeah, we took great care not to startle Father Dismas.

7881179

So Twilight is willing to arrest a mare who, if anything, should be sued for battery, but not somebody who committed manslaughter? And just because she's her best friend?

1. Um, yeah, you get arrested for battery. http://criminal-law.freeadvice.com/criminal-law/violent_crimes/battery-penalties-and-punishment.htm
2. Yeah, Twilight is playing favorites here and helping Rarity out. They discuss the obscene illegality of what they're doing in the story. The platitude in the description is what the story is about. A good friend will help you hide a body.

So do boys and girls on the playground.

Your point?

If she wasn't threatening Sweetie Belle, I'm still sticking with my battery statement.

Child battery isn't something that the law will just shrug off either. http://criminal-law.freeadvice.com/criminal-law/violent_crimes/child-battery.htm

Hun. I'm only 13, and I don't really know that much about our world just yet. But even I can tell that this mare doesn't deserve be arrested.

See above links. Yeah, she'd totally be arrested.

Besides that: this mare was just some pony Rarity heard was buying groceries. How do you know she wasn't mentally ill, and has fits of rage from time to time? That she didn't have a family, kids? You aren't even gonna alert them of this!?

Who the mare is is irrelevant. It's why I never give her a name. She's more of a story device than anything else. The story being: would Rarity's friends help her hide a body?

And why the fudgemeatball are the rest of the Main Six cool with this!?

They're not. Remember what Pinkie did the second she saw this? She said "nope" and tried to leave. Fluttershy just about froze. Applejack didn't seem too happy with it either. They're all panicking in their own ways, but they help her out of loyalty to their friend. I portrayed Rainbow Dash as the most cool with it because she's the Element of Loyalty and Rarity needed her help. But even she can't sleep that night. None of them are okay with it, but they're helping their friend.

7881211

I know they aren't just gonna shrug this off. I'm just saying it seems rather odd Twilight and Rarity feel this mare should spend her life in jail for hitting two ponies out of pure rage.

And well, self-defense? Even that has it limits, and Rarity passed it when she killed that poor pony.

misdemeanor. The range of punishment for a battery conviction is one day up to a year in a county or parish jail. Fines for battery convictions do not usually exceed $2000.00. A first time offense is often eligible for probation, even though many…

And this is from your link. Not even more than one year is the worst most get. And this seems to be a first offense.

They're not. Remember what Pinkie did the second she saw this? She said "nope" and tried to leave. Fluttershy just about froze. Applejack didn't seem too happy with it either. They're all panicking in their own ways, but they help her out of loyalty to their friend. I portrayed Rainbow Dash as the most cool with it because she's the Element of Loyalty and Rarity needed her help. But even she can't sleep that night. None of them are okay with it, but they're helping their friend.

Maybe cool wasn't the best weird, admittedly. Yet still, you'd think one of them would think reporting about this would be a good choice. I mean, shouldn't Twilight realize that if someone were to find any evidence pointing to them, they could get in even worse trouble?

I'm not saying they shouldn't have solved this together. But hiding the body?

Woah.

That was written so well. Spoopy.

7881215 1. Life in jail? When did they ever say that?
2. Yeah, no duh Rarity went too far. That's one of the points.
3. you still get arrested for the actual incident, even if you don't get incarcerated. You don't get a court fine in the mail, a judge tends to handle those.

7881231

you still get arrested for the actual incident, even if you don't get incarcerated. You don't get a court fine in the mail, a judge tends to handle those.

Sure. But I'm almost postitive that isn't the kind of arrested you're talking about in the story— with the multiple mentions of prison and all.

2. Yeah, no duh Rarity went too far. That's one of the points.

I'm referring to the part where Twilight–and the others who did— state that the moment Rarity hit her back it was self-defense.

...Why not just burn the corpse and scatter the ashes in the Everfree Forest or Ghastly Gorge or something? I'm sure Twilight is perfectly capable of pyromancy, and the Everfree is certainly unpredictable enough that the ashes would almost certainly never get traced back to the victim...

Even so, as a guy who appreciates dark humor, I enjoyed this.

7881275 Twilight does burn her portion in the story, but as stated, it takes a lot of energy and effort to burn just the portion she's given. Since they want this to be over soon, they don't spend a long time burning the body.

Also, the Mane Six are not criminal masterminds. They spent the whole story panicking and overthinking everything.

7881259 1. The quote you give me also references jail time.

2.

I'm referring to the part where Twilight–and the others who did— state that the moment Rarity hit her back it was self-defense.

I actually talked to an attorney during writing this. He said, and I quote,

Reading this, I think Rarity might have had a self-defense case but the lack of witnesses makes it a weak claim.

Besides, throughout the whole story the actual legal technicalities don't matter as much as what the Mane Six think is going on/what would happen. At the end of the day whether or not Rarity did something in self-defense is irrelevant. They didn't actually go to court with this. They got rid of the body.

7881283 Oh. I must have missed it; I was in a bit of a rush when I read and commented. Makes sense. Thanks for clarifying.

Wow, this was pretty dark for something rated teen, I guess the lack of explicit gore is the line between that and mature.

I was hoping for trollestia to show up and help

7881391 Eh, would have ruined the tone a bit.

7881379 I did read once that the difference between teen and mature is detail.

I see a tangent or alternate ending where Starlight comes in and goes, "No no, this is how you dispose of a body. How do you think I dealt with dissenters in my town?"

Well done in balancing the grim and comedic tones~

Chapter 2

"Hey Twilight..."

"Yes Rainbow how are you... Oh god dammit!"

"Yeah it kinda happened again..."

" *sigh*... I'll get the saws

7881215

I find it rather sad users aren't able to discuss without some people getting mad that the author of the story is getting a negative review.

We don't all have to love the story, dangit. It's getting quite annoying that some people don't realize that.

I was sort of hoping we'd get this.

The blue gaze slowly moved over the body. "Oh dear, oh dear... wait a moment, everypony. We cannot proceed any further until I settle the most important detail."
"Making sure you haven't shed any fur on the corpse?" Pinkie checked.
"Already done," Rarity fussed.
"Wiping all magical signatures from the area?"
Twilight groaned. "It's like everypony thinks I'm a total rookie at this. Done. I also vaporized the blood traces, not that anypony asked. Rarity, what did we miss?"
"Well... yes, this mare did my family a disservice. And certainly she deserved everything she had coming to her, and perhaps more. But still, she had no true concept of what would transpire on this evening and so, she was given no opportunity to prepare. She was unkind and cruel and her death was well-earned: none would deny that. But as the most basic curtesy between ponies..."
Rarity nodded to herself.
"Guard the corpse," she told them. "I must return to the Boutique. I shall return within an hour. Perhaps three. It could be six if my dye inventory is not as I would wish. Did anypony bring a deck of cards?"
Twilight, very carefully: "Rarity?"
The stylish mane shifted as the unicorn tossed her head, a gesture of purest magnanimity.
"I must create the dress she will be caught dead in. Incidentally, would anypony happen to be familiar with the secretions a body releases within the first few hours of decay and how they might stain fabric?"
Twilight groaned again, just a little louder.
"And you really thought anypony other than me would know the answer to that question."
Rarity had the grace to wince.
"I swear," the librarian muttered. "Total rookies..."

7881450 *shrug* I don't mind if people don't like some of my stuff. I'm not Shakespeare or anything like that. I merely answered some concerns that I don't mind that he had.

7881462 Now I wish we were collabing on this...

What's up with you and making Rarity kill people? Also, I personally thought this would work better with Rainbow Dash being the one to accidentally kill someone, with her being much more confrontational than Rarity, but that's just me.

7881437
Given Rainbow's record of crashing through buildings, it's a miracle she hasn't needed a body disposed of yet.

7881499 Eh, maybe. I used Rarity because of the Sweetie Belle angle.

7881487

Maybe there's a Ponies Dispose Of Bodies multi-author anthology in this.

"Now wait a minute!" Rainbow broke in, instinctively taking off in order to glare down at the herd. "Nopony's thinking this through!"
"You've got a disposal method we missed?" Twilight quickly checked. "I don't know, Rainbow. It's really hard to blast a pony into nothing with lightning, and a forensic pathologist would be able to tell the death took place before the hit." Thoughtfully, "I guess if you took the corpse really far up before you dropped it -- two or three or twelve times..."
"No!" Rainbow yelped. "Don't any of you understand what we've got here? We've got a body!"
They all stared at her for a few seconds.
"Yes," Rarity eventually said. "That would be the issue underhoof. We have a body. And?"
Rainbow gazed down at them with the despair of a comedian who had found herself presenting the world's greatest joke to the continent's worst audience. "A real body! Do you know how much Mr. Rich charges for fake ones before Nightmare Night? And they're just sacks of cloth with pony features painted on them, maybe a mask for the deluxe versions, you try to rig up the haunted house so they'll fall out of closets and attic trapdoors and scare everypony, but all anypony ever does is yawn! Because it's just a sack of cloth that's sort of shaped like a pony with a cheap mask on it that doubled the price! But we?" Her tone dropped, became conspiratorial. "Have a real body. All we need to do is store her somewhere for a while, and then when the holiday gets close..."
She snickered, eyes dancing with visions of screams yet to come.
"Greatest Nightmare Night ever," she declared. "So let me just take that..."

Things like this happen. Like 'accidentally' smashing a rock into a filly's head. :ajsmug:

Inb4 bronywriter is actually the zodiac killer.

Everybody should have at least one friend who would help you hide a body in the middle of the night no questions asked, assuming you had a good reason. For some people, I am that friend.

Help support me on Patreon If I reach 1500 bucks, I'll start doing this full-time.

I did a double take the first time I read this. My mind drew connections between those last two sentences that I believe were unintended.

Comment posted by BronyWriter deleted Jan 20th, 2017

7881683 Oh, you might not have been completely wrong...

Oh, I mean... yes, ha, ha, how silly of you.

So Twilight, why didn't you just turn her into an orange, or teleport the corpse to Froggy Bottom Bog and let Mr. Hydra have a snack? Wouldn't that have been son much easier? :trollestia:

You sure do like it when Rarity kills ponies, don't ya? :ajsmug:

7881755 It wasn't a murder. It was an accident. A total, unfortunate accident.

Plus she was the best character for this, so...

7881450
It has less to do with somebody having a negative opinion of a story and more to do with how they reached it. The saying goes, “A good friend will help you move, but a true friend will help you move a body.” The entire premise of the story is centred around this infamous quote being true, for the sake of dark comedy. The legality — which he was wrong about — and the reality of how this would be treated in the real world — about which his borderline‐infuriating‐in‐its‐own‐right naïveté was on full display — are irrelevant. It’s not hard to see why one would down‐vote his comment.

7881529
7881499
I partially agree but Rainbow would have done something stupid before she could have asked her friends for help.

Rarity has that acting flair and, as mentioned in the story has read alot of mystery books that would be relevant here.

Honestly after the hesitation to cut her up and the distraction of her friends showing up I would have sworn there was going to be a twist that she wasn't dead.:rainbowlaugh:

7881849 she's not dead, she's in a coma :rainbowlaugh:

7881670

Balderdash.
Really, why would you accuse me of that?
Only a rapscallion would say such a thing.
Now you'd better apologize.
You hurt my feelings.
What kind of a man would sling around such accusations?
Rude. That's what that is.
It isn't very nice.
Theory of relativity.
Extraordinarily insulting
Rapacious! Probably!
Indecent, almost.
See, now don't you feel bad?
That'll teach you.
Hear here!
Extremely unpleasant accusations all around!
Zipper fangs.
Only those.
Did you ever play cards in high school?
I did. I loved it.
Always had a pack of cards on me.
Can't imagine why it irritated my teachers.
Kinda disruptive, I guess.
In any case, your comment insulted me!
Liar, that's what you are.
Liar, liar, liar.
Eh, whatever.
Right along.

In that case, the bunch in Higurashi should be simply the greatest of friends.

I absolutely adore how natural the dialogue is in this story, with the various subtleties inferred at certain times.

7881910 I'm glad you think so. I was worried the dialogue would sound OOC and unnatural. I worked at preventing that.

7881179 I'm ignoring the feelings you have about the story and addressing this statement

Hun. I'm only 13, and I don't really know that much about our world just yet. But even I can tell that this mare doesn't deserve be arrested.
Maybe fined, but arrested?

Yes if Rarity kept a cool head and went to the police rather than confront her the mare would have been arrested. Assault is one crime, assault of a minor is another and it's a rather bigger one. Accidentally getting run into and then hitting the kid who's apologizing to you Would get you sentenced to jail time hands down if Rarity pressed charges.

45-5-212. Assault on minor. (1) A person commits the offense of assault on a minor if the person commits an offense under 45-5-201, and at the time of the offense, the victim is under 14 years of age and the offender is 18 years of age or older.
(2) (a) Except as provided in subsection (2)(b) or (2)(c), a person convicted of assault on a minor shall be imprisoned in a state prison for a term not to exceed 5 years or be fined not more than $50,000, or both.

Add on the argument Rarity had with her and that she started shoving first, had she survived the push she'd be getting a bit of jail time and Rarity would be getting a slap on the hoof or possibly a fine.

It is still mostly a moot point, considering she wouldn't have gotten the death sentence that Rarity ended up accidentally giving her. But I just thought I would try to clarify that misconception.

7881916 Well, I suppose it is relatively OoC, but given the fact that the situation itself is as well, it's forgivable. I suppose I meant that the flow and the syntax are about what you would expect from British humor, which is one of my favorite kinds.

7881923 Don't forget that she's an Element, one of the shining symbols of the kingdom. Not exactly the greatest idea to bring doubt onto the protectors that give your people hope. Tack on implicating royalty, and now you have a recipe for allegations of corruption and a lack of rule of law. No matter how moral a ruler may be, they would recognize how important it would be to cover this up. Which of course leads to a slippery slope, and things start getting fun.

Good arguments, sir. I believe you have thoroughly rekt this 13 year old child.

I saw the comedy tag and spent the entire time I was reading waiting for some big twist punchline to pop up. It hadn't even occurred to me that it was being used in an overhanging 'grim humor' sense. I guess that one's on me though :rainbowwild:

They say that good friends will listen to you whenever you have to get something off your chest. They say your best friends will help you hide a body whenever you need it.

Grr, time stamp doesn't work. At 34 seconds Rich Hall delivers this gem-

"They say a friend is someone who'll come over your house and help you move; a good friend will help you move a body. So, I have two good friends."

I guess Twilight has him beaten.:rainbowkiss:

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