• Member Since 13th Jan, 2017
  • offline last seen February 9th

EternalPony


T

A long time ago there once lived a legend, A mighty stallion with the strength to rival all, who turned a curse into a strength. He was a hero too all ponykind, all that knew him knew that if they where in danger Lee Roy would come. Until that fateful day when Medusa turned him to stone, that was over one thousand years ago. Now Equestria has six new hero's, how will Lee Roy live in this new strange world of peace and friendship. All I know it will be legendary.

Credits! Cool People that helped me.
-ItisASillyLittleGame
-MlpMatthewl419
-Cider Vel
-Aeluna
-SwiftLance

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 12 )

I'm commenting on my own story because I don't have any.

omg this is awesome!

omg this is awesome!

Thanks for the comment I try my best, second chapter coming soon

Oh boy what a long chapter. I think you could have done this in multiple chapters instead but it's great anyways!

8036509

I thought so too, in the future maybe I'll think about splitting longer chapters up.

Isn't Leeroy one word/name?

8039063
Yes and No, Lee Roy's true name is Le Roi Arion which is a combination of french and Latin. he was named by his parents who's race (Unicorn, pegisai, Earth pony) will be reviled later.

Le Roi is French for The King, now how you say 'Le Roi' in English (Or Common in this case) you would say Lee Roy and it would mean the same thing. Lee Roy is a Nickname as most ponies in Lee Roy's time could not speak french correctly.

so in actuality his name is 'the king Arion'
now Arion is latin and comes from a greek myth about a divinely-bred, extremely swift immortal horse but has no real cause in the story (no he isn't immortal, and no this is not where gets his 'Gift') the name itself was just a cool name, but does come in as he was named after his grand-father and this fathers before him making him the twenty-forth in line to get that name.

Ok read the first chapter, it's kinda a long thing to do. And I am unsure when will I read the second but I will.

First I'll have to make it clear that I find grammar lacking. Tenses sometimes switch between present and past. There are also sometimes random capital letters, missing commas and so on. And at least at one point narration switched to first person thinking.
I am not good enough to hunt them all down so I really suggest a proofreader to track those things down. I am pretty sure you did it for second chapter already because on first glance it looks much better formatted.

Story itself I think it suffers from too much exposition both in prose and dialog. I feel that you explain too much to readers and even tell them directly what they should be questioning or seeing. Also you could trim sentences and probably remove some.
First part of the story served as nice foreshadowing for things to come so it served the purpose.
Then comes a text more fitting for an intro and the part about quakes and town does create fitting atmosphere. It goes on long in my opinion but I guess the point was to remove Starlight for the early part of the story.
Part in the castle served to dump exposition for the most part.
Then comes the part we have all been waiting for but at this point I kinda rushed with reading. It is good but by this time I passed my limit. I would have either reduced the parts before or would have moved this to a next chapter. Though since goal was to introduce the mystery character think first option would have been better.

Characters were themselves for the most part. Most of them didn't yet have that large role but still good job fitting them all in.
Twilight was a bit out of character for me when she scared Spike while reading but other than that think she was good leader and intelligent enough.
Regarding Spike I was a bit surprised he was reading book while everyone was nervous about aftermath of quakes and Starlight's condition.
I will say I disliked Pinkie so blatantly breaking the 4th wall. Despite what fandom would lead you to believe, she isn't deadpool and her humor isn't about breaking the 4th wall like that.

As for the Latin well I am not that great at it so if there is something wrong, I do not know.


Naturally I feel it is impossible to judge this story based on just this chapter as story has yet to start and develop. I am sorry if I sound too harsh because it was not my intention to dishearten you.

8094065
Thank you for your criticism!

Why did this story update just now when it says that the update came in January?

8098605
I am doing some quality of life changes to the story, as you can see the second chapter should be missing, I am cutting the the over 15,000 word chapter into much easier to read chunks I am working on them as we speak and should be released soon.

Sorry for the confusion

As of 4/16/17 they are now all open for viewing.

Login or register to comment