• Member Since 20th May, 2012
  • offline last seen 8 hours ago

tailsopony


Awkward.

T

Twilight Sparkle is a devoted and faithful student, willing to do anything that Celestia asks of her. But that relationship is perhaps not two ways. When given the opportunity to find a solution, she settles on a potion.


This is currently T-rated. It might turn into an M-rated epic, or it might stay a short one shot. It could also be a T-rated two shot. Let me know what you want out of it in the comments. It's a story that's been on my mind for years, about self mind control. It's been hugely towned down, and I may be convinced to provide the much darker original first draft if someone is curious. Also, this version was written entirely on my phone. Cool.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 41 )

Please post the darker version :D Pleeeeaasseeeee

As usual, you're fantastic at writing crazy people who still seem totally reasonable. I love it.

I'm not really sure where I can see this going... it has all the hallmarks of an overwrought tragedy, but that seems pretty trite and a waste of the potential. I want to see Celestia's reaction, though, because it's so clear this isn't what she intended, and is pretty out of touch with her student's mental state.

I'd of course love to see the darker draft of this – it's kind of weird to imagine something toned down from you. What made you go down that route?

7873738
Maybe. Gotta clean it up a little. Also not sure where to put it. 0.o

7873832
Thanks! This story is silly as I have two comments and no votes. Usually my stories start out the other way—no comments and a few downvotes. lol.

It absolutely started out as an overwrought tragedy, but then the more I thought about it, the more it got weird. What people want out of it, if anything, is what it might become.

Also it's toned down because in the original version Luna had been unwittingly raping Twilight for a while, and the potion was the only way Twilight could cope. She felt as though she couldn't tell Luna "no", and dared not address it directly with her sister. It was a lot closer to somebody contemplating suicide over an abusive relationship. As usual, all due to serious oversights in communication. Luna assumed that Twilight was up for offer from her sister as a concubine, and tells Twilight as much. Twilight does as she's told the first night, and feels awful about everything because she's saved herself for Celestia. She sends a letter to Celestia asking about the situation without directly addressing the situation because she assumes Celestia is aware of the actual situation. Celestia sends her back a letter asking to not hurt her sister, and Twilight takes it to mean "Do as you're told."

She tries to handle it without using magic, but finds herself an inch away from suicide after a week of unhappy service to the night, until she arrives at the conclusion of using a potion to fix everything. The crux of that version of the story is that the potion has a 50/50 chance of being fatal, or doing what the potion in this story does. At the very end, she chooses to drink it knowing that no matter what scene greets Luna, Twilight will be happier from the potion. All in all, it was much darker and for no real reason. And more rape. That's a thing I write sometimes. Dunno why. The heart of the story was Twilight wavering back and forth as the potion brewed and she ran through her thoughts. The whole scene was physically identical to this one—Twilight brewing a potion as the sun sets and then toasting her mentor,

7873883

This version was probably better; adding accidental rape and suicidal thoughts likely wouldn't improve anything, and Twilight feeling she must sacrifice her desires is the real point of contention so adding a risk of death kind of dilutes that.

It is a little silly when you think about it; she clearly has the option to say no, and even her pain is probably only temporary. But it's not hard to see why Twilight would feel she has no choice. Exuno was right: you wrote some great insanity that masquerades as a rational decision.

7873947
Thanks! I'm a fan of eccentric characters. Most of my stories have characters make irrational decisions, part of what I try to do is attempt to convey why they are making irrational decisions. If someone reads through it and can see why the character made such a silly decision, I call it a win. It's even better if somebody thinks the character is being reasonable when I know the character is pants on backwards crazy. Unfortunately, I'm bad at writing, so that happens rarely.

On a similar note, you comment on every one of my stories. How much time do you spend on this site? lol. I usually like your comments, because they are usually critical of some aspect of the story. Thanks! I honestly appreciate it.

7874056

I'm on the site constantly. If no stories I watch have updated I sometimes scan other stories by authors of ones I liked. I think there were one or two of yours I skipped, but most of what you write appeals to me.

I'm glad you appreciate the comments; I try to be constructive or give useful feedback in place of comments like "this great, write moar, my OC ninja approves" or "i hope the antagonist dies in a fire for inconveniencing Fluttershy". I always hope authors find criticism useful rather than take it as an attack on the story.

... wow. This is beautiful. And unique, in its own way. One of that rare stories where I want to see Twilight die.

And Celestia. Egh, thanks for inspiration, that letter was just that dash of negative I needed:pinkiesick:

On one hand, I want an M-rated epic, because I have no clue were you might take it for "epic" part. On the other, I want the two-shot, because the possibilities. Possibilities!

I am torn. Regardless, you've more than earned the fave and upvote.

This was just beautiful, and perfect as it was. I'm glad you went with this version of events, and not the darker one.

I'd like to see the T-rated Part 2 of this - the consequences, especially when the ramifications of what happened are revealed to the Sisters. I mean, Twilight's story is largely done here (assuming she didn't fuck it up) - the now interesting want/conflict is what happens when the truth comes out.

If it worked, Twilight wants Luna and has Luna - but will Luna still want her knowing what Twilight did? What will Celestia do when Twilight ends up confessing what she did - and how Celestia's letter sparked it?

So many questions to explore, and yea, I don't think this needs to be an M-rated story to fully explore them.

7873738 Your avatar... it's just too... inappropriate for me.
>>tailsopony
Two Part Teen please.

7874954

It's still technically worksafe, however :D, you must have a dirty mind!

don't listen to him Tailsopony, unleash the darkness!!

7874984
You seem to want us/ me to have a dirty mind.

7875100
About what?
Me?
I don't blame you.

7875107 no, I'm confused as to how his avatar is in any way inappropriate

7875110
I can't believe that I have to say this BUT...
Reasons: (Or: Everything Wrong With:)

Rainbow Dash on top of Vinyl, DOES THAT NOT SUGGEST ANYTHING SEXUAL TO YOU?

AT ALL, EVER?

Yes, nothing is being shown. but it's still very suggestive and I don't like it.

7875113 oh my I have seemed to gotten confused. I thought you were talking about the authors avatar

7875113 but why don't you like it?

7875133
Didn't you just hear my reasons?

It's because it's sexually suggestive, I just DO NOT like it, and that is the only reason that you need to know.

7875138 but why do you care if it's sexually explicit?

7875157
This is pointless!
It's like I'm going in circles around with you with my circular logic which is this:

I don't like sexually suggestive material because I don't like things that are that.

7875165 so are you opposed to any and everything sexual,or just images?

7875177
Ah!
*Throws myself off of something*

It's okay! I'm fine now.

Both I guess (though the images more because of reasons).

7875205 oh, well if you have your reasons, then you have your reasons. But that doesn't mean you have to criticize others because of them

I'm curious to see how this plays out.

7875165

Well why are you reading something with a 'sex' tag then xD

and yes, it is suggestive, just not explicit! And personally I like what it suggests :D. If it inspires other people to like it too, then even better :3!

7875338
I haven't read it yet, and I won't until the rating is decided.

7875352

well the rating is decided for this version, you know.

By the way, I think your avatar is really cute!

The reason I support stories that are cloppy and dark is because most stories aren't, and that makes stories that are like that more rare and valuable. If most stories were darker, I would be advocating for more light stories to be written.

Princess Celestia give some very good advice in her reply to Twilight.

7876286 And Twilight is apparently terrible at taking advice. :rainbowlaugh:

...Yes, I would very much like to see that original first draft.

My vote is to continue. Go full M rating, don't hold anything back.

Death may be a relief
But death will always be death
It may mean rebirth
But you will always be saddened by it

This is. Really well written, and pretty unique. I hope you expand upon it.

A+ for alliteration.

is it sad i can see after she drink it she leanr her goddess love her in that way as well but wont admit

It ends just when it's getting to the best part!
I really want to see a Part II to this, it's very good! :pinkiehappy:

Not sure what to think about this... I kinda liked it but all I could really think of was that Twilight needs some serious therapy, which was kinda off putting for me. Honestly, she just seem spoiled and kinda brainwashed... EDIT: not to mention she could just have confessed to Celestia and see what would happen first... she wouldn't be the first one to get a "no"...
Oh, and giving this a "sex" tag is just misleading as fuck... +1 thumb down.

7938065
Thanks for letting me know why you thumbs downed it! I appreciate it. Yes, she does need therapy. lol. And I was sorta getting at her being "self brainwashed" which is something real people do all the time. It's also a common story thing, except it's not usually the focus of a story.

Why do you think the sex tag is misleading? I'm always super cautious about that tag. The story is rated T, so it obviously won't include actual sex, but I thought it was pretty clear that Twilight was thinking about it quite a bit. Even to include some not so subtle innuendo. It would be misleading not to include it, so I feel like the tag is very appropriate for this story. What would you say the appropriate tags would be then? I'm not changing this story's tags, but I am curious why you feel that way. I can better tag future stories with your input!

>>Everybody else
Thanks for the comments! I'm too lazy/busy to link them all right now but I appreciate them! I might decide to write another chapter for this, but it's done for now.

Pretty cool take! Kinda wish there was more though even though I like how it ended. Maybe an epilogue or a 2nd chapter.

Fantastic, wish i knew what happened afterwards but that would kill some of the charm of this ending.

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