• Member Since 8th Apr, 2016
  • offline last seen 9 hours ago

Lord-of-Rhodor


The Multiverse is my playground, but most of my content will be set in Equestria 762, Equestria 556, or Equestria 223.

T
Source

After a diagnosis of terminal illness, Thunderhead the bat pony is dejected and lost. But when a strange substance claiming to be a symbiote of some sort bonds to him, he gains all manner of incredible powers. Taking the name Steel Renegade, he takes to the streets of Phillydelphia, determined to rid the city of gangs and crime. But it is no mean feat in a city of gangs and corruption, and as he continues with his quest, he will have to use every ounce of cunning and power he has not just to succeed, but to stay alive...

(Sorry about the cover art. It's the best I can find without requesting a commission.)

EDIT: Chapters 1 and 2 edited to fit the tone I wanted to set and to NOT be a blatant rip-off of Deadpool.

Continuity: Equestria 223

Chapters (3)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 6 )

Hello! I saw that you read one of my stories and added it to your bookshelf, so I came by to return the favor.

Now, I gotta say, I wasn't sure about this story at first. I mean, it's an obvious Deadpool ripoff, but it's written so well that it actually did grab my interest. There are a couple of things I wanna point out though.

The first thing I noticed that hurts this chapter is you bogged your action scene down because you got a bit too wordy. Action scenes need to be fast paced with minimum detail. They need to be written the exact opposite way that you'd write any other scene. Let's look at this example:

Before anypony could react, he twisted his foreleg savagely, breaking it.

You don't need *before anypony could react* because in the previous sentence you said he moved with lightning speed. That tells the reader that the following action is done very fast, like before they can react fast. It's just redundant. The second part of the sentence is too telly. Yes, action scenes should have telling because it helps the action move more smoothly, but this is too much. How about: *he twisted his foreleg and heard the snap of his bone.* This way, you're not blatantly telling the reader "he broke it."

The bat socked the first thug in the face so hard that he was effectively clotheslined

This just bothers me. I get you want him to take the thug out with one hit, but there must be a better way to do it. The word *socked* just doesn't seem like a good word choice here considering your atmosphere, and what does *effectively clotheslined* mean? Do you mean he was hit and fell on his back, or he was hit, lifted into the air, and slammed down to the ground? I actually had to stop here and reread this line to make sense of it, which you don't want in an action sequence.

Also:

“Got to Tartarus.

*Go.* Whoops.:twilightsmile:

One thing confused me here. When he gets home, you give the impression that he's been living like this for a while now. If that's so, then how come the bartender has no idea that he's dying? Is this the first time he's gone out drinking? Cause I doubt it. Has the bartender never spoken to him before? If not, then this must be the first time he's overdone it with the drinking. Or maybe the bartender is new? Am I being too critical? Maybe....

Anyway, it seems like this is gonna be a cool story, and I like the unique narration you got here. Just be careful with it, if you screw it up, it's gonna ruin the whole story. I'll swing back by sometime later and read chapter 2. I'll tell you what I think there too, cause I'm incapable of reading something and not rambling on about it.:pinkiehappy: Talk to you again soon, and happy reading/writing!!

Thanks. I've been spending more time editing and revising before publication and I think it's paying off.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!