- Member Since 6th Jan, 2017
- offline last seen Yesterday
PO1 AR-9U5 Argus
I died, I came back and now I'm here to write stories. Viewer discretion is advised. P.S. Don't Hate.
PO1 AR-9U5 Argus
Joined 6th Jan, 2017 ·
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Currently working on Chapter 1.
Ah, a first story? Let's take a look.
Your story description might benefit from being shorter and more focused on what the story is actually about. You have one shot to get a reader interested enough to read. This-
-should be before anything, not buried down below the read more button.
Going into the story itself, one of the first rules of fiction is show, don't tell. For example, if you have to tell the reader whose POV, then you aren't doing a good enough job showing.
Your first paragraph is an info dump. It might be better to spread this description out a little in the chapter.
I'm also confused why the character has a tattoo of what resembles a US Navy flag, but then says his training as Spetsnaz was harder than SEALs.
He's an incredibly badass soldier and chooses to brag about one fairly common skill?
The colored text is distracting. It should be clear from the description who is speaking.
Um, so maybe seventy or eighty pounds of explosive?
Overall, this story looks like another self-insert wish fulfillment like everyone writes their first time.
You earned the like and favorite because you actually have decent spelling and grammar, and because with some tweaks I see potential here.
The colored text gets a bit annoying.... i think i'll leave this story alone for now
Just doesn't hook my interest that well
This story needs our lord and savior's RP-46 Degtyaryov Machine Gun
7868315
I might add some more weapons to his arsenal. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
7866377
Damn. You're right. Whelp! Time to nerf the color. (╯ಠ_ಠ）╯︵ ┻━┻
7865812
Ah. Well, let's see what I can clear up:
1. The "Navy Flag" tattoo was intentionally supposed to resemble the Gadsden Flag (used by the Continental Marines as an early motto flag in 1775)
2. From Chapter 2 onward, I'm reducing the colored text to be included only when necessary.
3. Yeah, the two-handed thing does seem a bit basic. You'd be surprised by the number of people that I've met who can't dual wield accurately.
4. I'm surprised that you (or anyone for that matter) noticed my grammar/spelling. I have been working incredibly hard to not make 1st grader mistakes.
5. You seem to have a keen eye for this kind of writing. If you're interested, I am looking for an revisor/editor. P.M. me if you want the job. If not, do you know anyone else who does?