- Member Since 17th Aug, 2013
- offline last seen June 27th
Navanastra
I am the most adorable dragon slayer in existance.
Navanastra
Joined 17th Aug, 2013 ·
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Looks good and got my interest do u have a time table for the next chapter?
Proofreading description
Well this is something. Greetings, fellow peoples or whoever else finds and reads this story. Let me introduce myself, I am simply THE MONKEY KING. The king of what, you my ask? Well, the king of the Zebras, to be precise. Or even better, the king of the Achaemidien EMPIRE.
How, you my ask? Well, to be honest, I have no bloody idea myself. One moment I was simply making myself some coffee, just like every morning, and the next thing I know I get zapped away from my home, reappear out of nowhere in the middle of a Desert with both my Coffee and pajamas still on me, followed up by some weird Voodoo prophecy made by the Zebra Shamans about the arrival of an ancient Monkey King who is going to re-unite all of the fractured Zebra tribes to once again form the Zebra Kingdom of old.
Well, I went even further than that and somehow, SOMEHOW managed to take this kingdom and shape it into this world's version of the Persian Empire, with my genius, silly antics, and stupid luck.
Oh, and Celly and Lulu now see me and my new empire a threat to Equestria as a whole.
All of it accomplished with just one good mug filled with coffee... I mean the mug itself, by the way, not the coffee.
This job requires more coffee than is medically proven to be unhealthy.
Good start, good start. The premise alone has me interested. Keep it up.
I'm looking forward to seeing you human in a position of power don't let this die too soon
I really love these empire-building stories.
we art amused, please give us more
With my Coffee now done, I went back into the dining table? Did you mean to the dining table?
I hope theirs going to be armies likes the Persian had with the same weapons and armor. Also long live the king of kings
*Than. You need an Editor, friend.
lol, I was kinda on edge after seeing the typos in the description on whether or not to read. Then I saw who wrote it. Guess I'll have to read it after all :P
God damn it sand.
This chapter tells me nothing the story description hasn't already covered.
more
In the future, if I'm reading the description correctly.
Are we going to have a Suez Canal battle with celly? If so then BARGAIN SALE OTTOMAN EMPIRE FOREVER!!!
7853813 Yeah I am somehow really crap when it comes to description.
Bwahahahhahahahhaha!
10/10
You have just sealed your fate.
Best. Response. EVER!
Okay the description for this story does sound interesting. I will track this.
This outta be gold. Can't wait for more.
expanding my empire to rapidly"
Is thAt a civ reference I see?
And I await the next chapter.
i like this already.
i can think of worse ways to make a first impression
Huh, well that was a different encounter than usual.
This is good I will favorite this.
Hey, hey! Lookin' good. You've certainly found your feet when it comes to writing.
7854417 You think so? Still need the help of an editor though.
7854430 I wish you best of luck with that. I would offer my services, but I am unsure if you would be satisfied.
7853877 To me it tells more than one may think
7854437 You where still a great editor.
7854438 You two don't even the know HALF of it...no scratch that not even a QUARTER.
7854443 i may know more than i tell you.....
Words and images of things beyond this World we know ourselves to live in.....
Could've done a better job with the editing. Structure is good, it the punctuation is what irks me.
7854441 Hey, I took a while, but I can guarantee I will catch every single grammatical error.
Will read this later when I have time, idea itself is very interesting but obviously this gonna be OC galore.
The description had me hooked.
Me like.
7854495 Pff any amount of world building will need a ton of oc, the trick is to make the characters believable and have enough quirks so they don't feel flat...
Good job, I like how the story started off so far
Good premise.
I'm curious where it goes.
(And interesting introduction to the local populance.)
But: This needs some editing.
The plot is very good, but here and there are small, mostly formal errors which are kind of annoying. (Even in the description...)
If you need help with that feel free to contact me. I may can help you.
Suggestion: If you want to center something don't use whitespaces. Use the center-tag shown below:
[center]This is centered.[/center]
This is the Funniest shit I've read in a long time
7854605 and its only chapter 1. I am planing more antics and silliness with the main character in the future, in fact that is his whole character.
I haven't read it yet, and already I want his t-shirt.
Hmm usually there is only ONE Head <something> as it is the highest place in a hierarchy.
Additionally no Head Priestess is mentioned before. So I thing you wanted "High"
1) - you may ask (you're missing the "a" from may)
2) - Emperor of the Achaemidean Empire (Kings are for kingdoms, Emperors are for Empires.)
3) - "Achaemidean" Empire (I'm wondering where exactly the name "Achaemidean" came from, Archimedes was Greek, not African, and that's the first thing that particular name brings up)
4) - may (once again missing that "a")
5) - One moment (you really don't need that "At")
6) - get zapped
7) - followed (fallow/fallowed is something entirely different)
8) - somehow, SOMEHOW,/! (you need either a comma, or an exclamation point here)
9) - a combination of (Both means two objects, more than two objects and it's a combination)
10) - Lulu (Nickname, needs to be capitalized like any other name)
11) - "as a threat to"
12) - "empire too rapidly"
13) - "than it's been medically"
Pretty good start overall, if a bit wordy. Spotted a few editing hiccups towards the end. I'm guessing you probably missed them due to the urge to post asap.
Brows. not Brown. One is a color, the other isn't.
I think you meant "...What?" The word Was doesn't really fit in there all that well. Unless he was that utterly dumbfounded and forgot how to english I guess...
Other then that, the only criticism I can give this is to definitely find a way to describe character traits, like his love of cats for instance, without the narrator outright saying it. It's what people usually mean by "Show, don't Tell". It felt really forced when I read those portions, and almost killed what you had going.
*brows
The closing line for the chapter was rather eye-catching. I hope it is predictive of the quality to come.
This event is brought to you by Sand it's everywhere get used to it.
An interesting start. Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.
7854939 *insert slowclap.gif here*
While reading this fic i was also holding a cup of coffee and wen i read the part were he drink-ed after seeing that awkward moment, i drink-ed my own cup and say : " Well ..... that makes the two of us."
7854939
I got that reference.