• Published 5th Jul 2012
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Leather-Winged Oddity - Deyeaz



More often than not, we don't always become what we want when we go to Equestria.

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XXVI - Fate Loves The Fearless... And The Batshit Crazy

Severe Warning: huge amounts of (un)necessary references, an attack that’ll make Gary Stu OCs look like humble and modest background characters, and inappropriate singing that involves fabulous bad-mouthing, the word “shit” A LOT, and a mood that will create a tidal wave of both lulz and dafuqs for you. Reader discretion is advised.

~Leather-Winged Oddity~

XXVI - Fate Loves The Fearless... And The Batshit Crazy

We are all going to die.

Let’s face it: we can’t avoid it. Sure, there are myths like the Fountain of Youth and the Philosopher’s Stone, and even scientific theories like reversing the degeneration of chromosomes that lead to old life. But in the end, that’s all they are: myths and theories that can’t be proven.

So you, me, your mum, your dad, your best friend—Everyone. They will all die.

Our lives are so fragile, we don’t think about it much because there are thousands of other things our minds are wrapped up in, like the test we have to take tomorrow, or that job interview we have in a week.

The pointless or important every day things that we look forward to or the things we dread are the things that capture our attention the most but rarely do we ever completely stop and think that something could happen to us, and we've almost built up this sense of invulnerability to it with the whole “Oh, that could never happen to me” facade.

Just think: think about the possibility that our life isn't this rock solid thing that's safe from harm, and instead, it’s something bound in bones that can break and hearts that can stop beating in a split second.

And when you stop and think about it... actually think about it... it’s terrifying, isn’t it?

What’s even more perplexing is the fact that people aren’t afraid to die. They know that Death visits everyone. He knocks on your front door. And he bides his time, thinks about who else is next for him to rendezvous with after he’s done with you. He can wait. A week, a month, a year, et cetera: Death doesn’t care. He is patient, ominous, and meetings with the Reaper are without a doubt imminent. Only... some people are happy to see him. A hello. A handshake. A conversation. And off they go.

Me? To be honest... I’m scared shitless of dying. Just the thought of it teeters me towards getting a flop sweat and a case of the chills. A reason as to why? There’s so much I have yet to do. A cliche answer, I know, but bear with me when I say that because I’m in this world, Equestria, a certain sense of longing for adventure was coursing through my veins. I want to this world with my eyes. To let my taste buds bask in the myriad of flavours it has yet to experience. To bless my eyes with the privilege to peruse through an ocean of books and tomes written in ancient or modern tongues, greedily and voraciously absorbing the knowledge that are trapped within the pages. To make love, to have kids, to grow old... The things that I’m dying to partake in.

But enough about my existential crises. Let’s get back to the story, shall we?

The black dragon, still sorely disappointed by what he thinks is a meagre supply of jewels, growls low, the rumbling making the floor vibrate slightly. He begins to mean-mug the mutts menacingly, his livid glare causing the Diamond Dogs to quake where they stand. “How DARE you supply me with... with this despicable pile of coal!” He smashes the pile of gems with a long spiked tail, decimating more than three-quarters of the jewels to pieces, the obsidian cracking from the blow. The Dogs (and Fleur de Lis) whimper at the sight of the gemstones crumbling underneath the sheer force of the strike.

“W-we are sorry!” The Dog in front, the Alpha, bows low in the attempt to ameliorate any assaults on the dragon’s honour and/or dignity.

Sadly, Ol’ Scaly was having none of that: he proceeds to snatch one of the Alpha’s accomplices up with an enormous claw, the canine in his grasp flailing and screaming in pure terror. I feel a twinge of pity formulate within me at the sight of the dragon bringing his prey closer to his greedy maw. I cringe when I see the dog get launched into his mouth, and the dragon began chewing. The sound of sharp teeth crushing bones and grinding flesh sends my spine into a shiver-fest. I watch in horror as the blood drips down his scaly lips and onto the ground. “Sorry does not make more gems appear, you wretched cretins!!!” screeched the dragon.

“Shouldn’t we go now?!” Kaileena implores quietly. “Before they all die?!”

“...I thought ya didn’t like dogs,” I say, confused.

“That doesn’t mean I want them all dead!”

“Can you not argue like a married couple and get on with it?!” Mat whisper-screams, leaving both me and the Bast speechless and a little embarrassed. “You had a plan, didn’t you?”


The dragon brings up another claw to gore the Alpha to pieces. A column of smoke expels from each nostril of the evil wyvern, his mouth curling up in a bloody smirk.

A rock striking his neck brings him out of bloodthirsty reverie.

“What? Who dares to–” He turns his head to see the oddest of beings. A hairless bipedal monkey... thing, with black dragon wings and a patch of black fur on its head, strange monochromatic clothes, a left arm that was the darkest of greys, and eagle feet with black talons. Another appears to be a pony, dressed in elegant clothing and sporting a very intimidated look on its face, much to the dragon’s satisfaction. A third was a griffin, icy-blue feathers slicked back and body in a bipedal stance with the use of his wings. “What are you doing here?”


Okay... so far so good. With the Dogs and the dragon focusing on me and my singing sidekicks, I could see Kaileena, Mat, Fleur, and Mercutio circle around the volcano, use Mat’s long stride to get onto the island, and slip into the airship while we distract the three stooges.

“Did you throw that rock at me, impudent whelps?” he asked, voice cold with flowing contempt. Ruh-roh.

Okay. Here goes everything.

Step one: Queue music.

Step two: Be fabulous whilst dancing and singing.

Step three: Pray to every single deity in existence that this works... that includes Nicolas Cage, Serj Tankian, and Morgan Freeman.

Step four: ???

Step five: Mothafuckin’ profit, biotch.

“Ready, you three?” I ask Fancypants and Osiris, who both nod. “Jus’ like we went over?” Another nod. “Alright, then!” A throat-clearing, and the utilising of my remaining magic. “Musica Memoria.

At first, there was silence, then the sound of a drum being slammed initiated the song.

Uh-huh, holy shit

It's about time you get off my dick

A few times you been around that track

But your ass is still fat, it's

gonna stay like that

'Cause I ain't your hollaback boy

I ain't your hollaback boy

A few times you been around that track

But your ass is still fat, it's

gonna stay like that

'Cause I ain't your hollaback boy

I ain't your hollaback boy

(Ooh oo) This is my shit, this is my shit

(Ooh oo) This is my shit, this is my shit

(Ooh oo) This is my shit, this is my shit

(Ooh oo) This is my shit.

You damn right I was talking shit

I told your man so you would hear it

What you doin' acting like that

Now people know what's up

So you came to my place

Saw the look on your face

I hit a home run then I kicked you out

But first I broke my pom-pom out

And now you know what's up

A few times you been around that track

But your ass is still fat, it's

gonna stay like that

'Cause I ain't your hollaback boy

I ain't your hollaback boy

A few times you been around that track

But your ass is still fat, it's

gonna stay like that

'Cause I ain't your hollaback boy

I ain't your hollaback boy

(Ooh oo) This is my shit, this is my shit

(Ooh oo) This is my shit, this is my shit

(Ooh oo) This is my shit, this is my shit

(Ooh oo) This is my shit.

So last night girl, saw you under the bleachers

Giving head to a substitute teacher

Perfect grades didn't make no sense

But now it's all cleared up

And it's comin' right back

'Cause I'm telling your pack

So don't freak out when your secret's out

That's right girl, you can't deny this

Your knees is all scratched up

A few times you been around that track

But your ass is still fat, it's

gonna stay like that

'Cause I ain't your hollaback boy

I ain't your hollaback boy

A few times you been around that track

But your ass is still fat, it's

gonna stay like that

'Cause I ain't your hollaback boy

I ain't your hollaback boy

(Ooh oo) This is my shit, this is my shit

(Ooh oo) This is my shit, this is my shit

(Ooh oo) This is my shit, this is my shit

(Ooh oo) This is my shit.

Let me hear you say this shit is

Super-cala-fragalistic-expialidoshus

S-U-P-E-R-C-A-L-A-F-R-A-G-A...um...

..What!!

A few times you been around that track

But your ass is still fat, it's

gonna stay like that

'Cause I ain't your hollaback boy

I ain't your hollaback boy

A few times you been around that track

But your ass is still fat, it's

gonna stay like that

'Cause I ain't your hollaback boy

I ain't your hollaback boy

(Ooh oo) This is my shit, this is my shit

(Ooh oo) This is my shit, this is my shit

(Ooh oo) This is my shit, this is my shit

(Ooh oo) This is my shit.

The song ends with a trumpet blare, leaving me, Fancypants, and Osiris panting and sweating from having to dance and sing to distract the monster and his canine victims, especially under this heat. “What.” The dragon deadpans, not only unamused, but clearly confused. “Just... what.”

...Now here’s the part where we’re stuck.

“Uh, rude,” Osiris says, arms crossed. “Shouldn't you be satisfied we went through the trouble of entertaining you?”

...Ffffffffuck, I think you just made it worse/

“Indeed!” He licks his lips greedily again. “Dinner and a show!”

While the look on my face shows calmness, I am practically screaming on the inside. The point of this little “look-at-me” phase is to keep calm on the outside and hope that the fear leaking from you isn't palpable enough for dragons or Diamond Dogs to pick up.

Unfortunately, aforementioned dragon’s nose is stronger than a bloodhound’s, because the malicious grin sprouting upon his mouth almost makes one of us openly defecate ourselves.

*WhhhrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-*

Ah. Right on queue.

Fancypants, Osiris, and I watch the airship steadily rise into the air, any gems hanging sloppily out of the cargo area spilling onto the obsidian ground. The Alpha dog and his remaining crony could only stare in shock and confusion as their ticket out of here whips out of their hands...

...and floats into ours.

“Love to stick around and, uh, be delicious for you, old boy–” Fancypants hops on Osiris’s back, earning a look of irritation from the griffin “– but we are... oh, what is the term? ‘Blowing this popsicle stand’!”

I’ve taught him so well. Brain, shed liquid pride, please.

*Sniff sniff* On it, Boss.

With a cheeky smirk from all of us, we fly up to the airship and get in, glancing back at the dragon roaring furiously at us as we sail away from the volcano and towards our ship. However, upon getting closer to the airship, my hair stands on end. Every nerve in my body shakes like I’m caught in a tremor. Osiris and Fancypants don’t look too hot either, since both are wearing the same expressions of pain and discomfort as me. It feels like I’m trying to push through a wall of plastic wrap as thick as a sycamore tree. With one final heave, we push through, and tumble unceremoniously onto the floor of our newly-taken airship. Kaileena and others also have the same looks of exhaustion we do, but theirs appears... less intense, since they went earlier than us. What the hell was that all about?

...Despite the state we’re in, the seven of us let out a weak hurrah, surprised our plan had actually worked.

The airship itself is really big: like I said, it was as big as a baseball diamond, an amalgamation of chrome, steel, and iron designed to take to the sky. The ceiling is high enough for even Mat to stand up straight. Two large doors lead down to the bridge, the size of it to be determined at a later date. In the centre of the metal floor is a group of five or six different-sized and -coloured Diamond Dogs, bound and gagged in rope.

“Is all of them?” asks Mercutio over the muffled cries of the outraged, imprisoned canines. Fleur nods with an “I think so”, happy she and her companions had completed clearing out the ship and incapacitating the others on board.

I look down at my left arm, the jewel depleted of magic. There had to be something here to replenish it.

No, not something... somepony. Two, to be precise.

I whistle at Fancypants and Fleur. The two alabaster ponies trot over, puzzled by why I have called them over. “Say, can th’ two o’ ya use yer magic ta recharge this thing?” I wobble my magicless arm.

“Well... we could give it a try,” Fleur answers. “No guarantees, however.”

“That’s fine, lassie. Have a go at it.” The unicorn duo flare up their horns, a dusky tan aura emanating from Fancypants’, and a very light pink swirling around Fleur’s. The two auras mix as they extend towards my arm, resulting in a relatively light willow-brown hue as the aura connected with the gem on the back of my hand. The luminance of the gem increases in intensity, to the point where it becomes hard to look at directly. It’s obvious already that my arm is now at full charge.

“I am fully charged!” I exclaim in a German accent. face gleaming in the light. Sadly, neither pony gets my reference. Geez.... the hoops I gotta jump through to please these guys....

“Er... nevermind. Great job, you t-” I get cut short by something in the shadows of a hallway: a pair of neon blue eyes gleaming in the dark, a duo of sapphires glaring maliciously at Osiris and the others. The eyes, along with their seven-foot-tall green Diamond Dog owner, emerge from the veils of black, a massive knobbly club in his wide paws, high above his head.

Kaileena, being the only other one to notice due to her position across from the griffin, gasps. She quickly leaps over Osiris and draws her hooked sword, swinging it just in time to block the heavy club bearing down on her. Another swing is given by her, but the Dog jams the butt of his club down in defence, causing her to hit the club instead of him, the sword biting into the thick strong wood. She tries pulling it out, only for the blade to be stuck in the club. The Dog sends a well-aimed kick her way, causing her to crash painfully onto the ground. The others get up to fight, only for Kaileena to scream, “No! I can handle this!”

I sure hope she can: she'll need agility and speed in order to take this brute down. Unable to pull her sword out, she instead withdraws from inside the confines of her hip sash a pair of eight-inch-long obsidian daggers.

...Wait a bloody second, those daggers are mine! How did she get them from out of my pocket? And how did I not notice it?

...Oh yeah... she was next to me when we were scouting the volcano. She must’ve pickpocketed me... anyways, back to the much-needed action.

The tall dog laughs tauntingly at the small butter knifes the Bast had unsheathed. Tall Green an’ Ugly, however, doesn’t laugh anymore when Kaileena growls with the fierceness of a puma, jumps up high after getting a deep squat, and delivers a swift kick to his face, her claws on her feet leaving a trio of fresh deep cuts on his already-fugly complexion. To be frank, he... actually gets quite pissed. Atta girl, Kai.

He swings the club harder and harder, driven into killing her, with the Bast using all of her stamina to dodge each vicious attack. He slams down into the ground of the ship, burying it into the metal. He tries pulling it out, only to be met with failure. Kaileena runs up the club, jumps at his head, and jambs both daggers into his throat, blood pouring profusely from the wounds as she slices angrily at his jugular. The dog stumbles off of the ship, with Kaileena jumping off at the last second and landing back on. We watch as the deceased canine disappears through the dark clouds.

“Everyone, clean out the rest of the ship: there are probably more and more of the Dogs we forgot to clear out!” Osiris bellows as Fancypants and Fleur fix the hole in the floor.

Had it not been for an earsplitting roar behind us, we would have gotten started right away on it.

It goes off like a cannon blast, resounding throughout the sky, deadening my hearing. We look behind us and see the dragon from before. The black wyvern looks very angry that its lunch is getting away. “Foolish creatures! You will pay with your lives!”

...Ohshitwigger.jpg.

“Osiris! Yer with me!” I holler nervously over Fleur’s terrified, annoying screaming, the griffin nodding at my command. “Mat! Ya Think ya can climb on top o’ th’ ship an’ help us from up there?!”

“Sure!” roars back the Ent as he goes to the side farthest from the dragon and clambers on top of the balloon-like steel structure above our heads. The airship sinks some metres, but we still remain altitude. Osiris and I soar off the ship and face the dragon head on. Süt (calling him ‘dragon’ a lot is a bit obnoxious) inhales a massive wad of air before blowing, a big stream of fire flaring out from his lungs, almost striking us. It doesn’t hit us, however; it hits the ship.

I can only watch in horror as our newly-claimed vessel is surrounded in flames... with my friends and loved ones inside it. Something feels off though... in terms of area, the ship is smaller than the flames that are shrouding it...

The flames clear, and I see that the ship is still in tip-top shape. Even Mat appears unscathed. What the–?

“OOF!”

Because I wasn’t paying attention to my opponent, Süt hits me with his tail, his slugger of an appendage getting a home run on me as I smack into the ship. The same feeling of having to push through an impregnable wall of plastic wrap comes to me again, except due to my acceleration, I slip through it more easily and crash to the ground, stunned and disoriented.

So that’s what that feeling is... I’m passing through a barrier, a magic shield, so to speak.

More roaring from Süt draws my attention again, and I see a huge chunk of wood, modeled like a sword and connected to a thick root, hitting the dragon in the side. Good show, Mat, good show.

Medica!” The feeling of agony dissipates with the spell, the gem in my scythe dimming a bit. I rush towards Süt, Ellipsis clenched in my fist, and swing as hard as I can at him, the blade shaving off all but a scale or two. Süt only roars more, the spots where his scales attached to his flesh sporting fresh blood. Only a bald patch as big as an infant’s arm is visible.

That’s all I need right now.

“OSIRIS! HERE!” I yell, almost getting ignited by another blast of flame from Süt that I barely manage to dodge. I point at the bald spot I made on Süt, and Osiris draws another arrow of magic. The projectile sails from the string and bites greedily into Süt’s flesh, drawing more blood. Süt lets out a scream/roar, infuriated that a chink in his almighty armour had been made. He swats at Osiris, knocking him straight into me. The two of us descend to the ground like stones in water. Only me flaring my wings out at the last second helps break our fall and saves us from kicking the bucket... but it still didn’t feel nice to have a seven-hundred pound griffin land on top of me.

“You alright?” The griffin, voice hoarse and—judging by his position of pain—a few bones broken. I nod weakly, but he doesn’t reciprocate my response for himself. “Ach! My wings!” Sure enough, his appendages of flight look bad. Very bad: the wings were bent at a grotesque, wrong angle. A lot of his feathers are contorted in weird directions. “Rrrr.... I’m... I’m gonna need to sit out on this one, Damien.”

“That’s fine, lad: ya did good.” I push him off with his help and take soar back into the air. “Here: medica maxima!” Osiris’s wings snap into place, earning shouts of agony from him. The screams only subside when he can move his wings and body altogether. More of my scythe’s gem’s light dims, only more significantly, to the point where the actual gemstone itself is almost all but a dull, unilluminated rock.

“Think ya can take a break now?” Osiris shakes his head; if only I could reciprocate his response, since healing him drained me of quite a bit of my energy. I slap myself awake, however, hoping that would help me cooperate long enough to stay alive. “Let’s go, then.” I race off to fight Süt with Osiris hot on my tail, as I fiddle with the dial on my fully-charged arm, looking for something, anything, that could help us. There’s gotta be something here I can use other than that taser fist! C’mon, c’mon, c’moooon....

Hmm...

Another image appears in the light of my gemstone, one that’s entirely different from my last one. It has a large, thin lightning bolt coming out of the end of a barrel-like something... a cannon, or a gun barrel, perhaps. Okay, so judging by my last special technique my arm has to offer, along with this one right now, it seems I can do electric attacks with this thing. Not really what I have in mind for what I need; but right now, I don’t care as long as it gets the job done.

I press the gem, right before I reach Süt’s altitude. The metal in my arm starts to shift, turn, whir; almost like a machine come to life. It’s discomforting to watch a piece of you metamorph before your eyes. It’s even more discomforting to feel it all happen. It’s not something anyone can describe without sounding like a tard, but it feels so unnatural. Think of it like, pieces of flesh breaking away in certain spots, and moving and shifting all on their own.

The eight-second-long transformation subsides, leaving my left hand to resemble something like a mix between Samus Aran’s Arm Cannon and one of those prize-grabbing claw machines, with three thick, bent metal prongs that spun slowly. There’s a gauge on my forearm, something along the lines of an overheat metre, I think. A sliding handle to pull back sticks out of the right must be how I reload, or fire, or something along the lines of dispensing ammunition.

I point my new cannon of an arm at Süt, the black dragon gritting his teeth as he breaths in heavily again, prepping another blast of fire. With as much energy as I can muster, I use all the magic in my arm to create some form of an attack.

The barrel of the cannon begins to charge up a small sphere of white-blue energy, frizzing with electricity as the prongs spin faster and faster, possibly to harness more electricity. The sphere, crackling with energy, grows in intensity and size, the metre on my arm filling up gradually with a green bar that becomes yellow, then red, until it became full in seconds. Okay, so... a charge metre, not an overheat metre. I see....

I direct the cannon right at the mouth of Süt, just as the aforementioned dragon blasts his torrent of fiery evil towards yours truly. Banishing Ellipsis into the Abyss to give myself a free hand, I pull back the handle as hard as I can.

Honestly... I don’t know what I expected.

The second the handle reaches the end of its slot, the most intense bolt of compressed energy explodes from the cannon. The tsunami of white-blue lightning is, to say the least, absolutely deafening, and looks so much like Inuyasha’s Wind Scar. The energy crashes and wrestles with the fire, a rendition of Voldemort’s & Harry Potter’s Avada Kedavra/Expelliarmus clash. Süt’s flames and my lightning butt heads with one another.

I can’t hold it for long, though. The metre on my arm is decreasing as gradually as it had filled. I have to end this... in the most batshit crazy way I can think of.

I get closer to Süt, using quick short wing bursts to inch nearer and nearer. It’s agony, the sparks flying everywhere, using every single iota of strength to push forward. My efforts aren’t in vain, however: my advancing towards Süt causes the lightning to push back the flames more and more. The charge metre is about two-thirds emptied, but I still keep pushing. Süt looks taken by surprise, and pushes harder; but, like me, he’s also tired of keeping this up.

Thank heavens for the relatively large rock that smacks Süt square in his bulbous yellow eye at Mach three speed levels.

The dragon’s pain from having his orbital socket smashed is what does him in. Süt’s flames diminish as he roars in anguish, a bit of blood leaking from where the rock struck him. The lightning blast from my arm cannon enters Süt’s mouth and floods his whole body, ripping at him from the inside out. I observe through tired eyes as bits and pieces of Süt are torn off by the current of electricity. Red blood turns black as it sprinkles the dirt of the volcanic badlands, a gorey obsidian rainfall that chills magma, moistens soil, and turns clear springs into inky pools of blood water.

Süt, upper body void of all but his charred bones, slams into the ground, said bones cracking and breaking upon the shards of his scales. A monstrous thud booms dramatically throughout the land, leaving. But it’s not like I can really hear it: my attack had practically destroyed my eardrums.

Metre empty of any charge, the metal of the cannon shift and turn until they revert back to my arm again. The gem, once filled with light and brimming with energy, is now lacklustre and unshining. I had used the last of my charge in just one swift action.

It was worth it... I’ll say that much.

Weak and lethargic as I am, I still make my way to the ship, the deck vacant of my friends sans Mat, who cheers and whistles as I fly to the airship at a snail’s pace.

What an idiot I am, forgetting that our ship has a barrier.

I bump into aforementioned impediment, the field nudging me back. I still keep trying to enter, but with each attempt, my vision grows darker and blurrier, and my movements become more sluggish and clumsy. Four tries seem to do me in, because I suddenly just lose function over my wings, numb and desensitised from how both magically and physically exhausted I am.

My vision blacks out, and I plummet, prepared to join Süt on the earth in what would be my grave.

The last things I can feel are the wind and a pair of claws grabbing me.