Changes Of Heart and Soul

by Tohshi

Chapter 5

Author's Note:

Trigger warning: self harm and suicide attempt If you wish to avoid that stop reading after Celestia leaves.

The drone of a bustling city filled the air. I barely paid it any attention after all it was always there. Many people and ponies walked through the busy square, all almost just blurs of color in the summer heat. Idly sipping from my tea I turned back to my book.

There was something calming about all this that just seemed off. Like a memory of a far away land. One which never really existed. Still I read my gibberish book and sipped my tea enjoying this pleasant afternoon. I barely noticed as the sky grew gray and rain started its pitter patter all around me.

A great big thunder broke my concentration on my book. I set it down and it faded away forgotten. In the crowd I saw her. Oh how I loved her. I needed to grab her in a big hug as if felt like it had been ages since we had met last. I couldn’t recall when that had been though. I pushed through the bustling crowd of blurred colors as I tried to follow her. The rain was picking up and I was getting thoroughly damp. She was always just a bit a head of me. Always out of reach. There was another crack of thunder which I turned to look at. The rain was coming down in sheets as I looked back to where she had been. I couldn’t see her but the crowd had parted up ahead. It grew quiet as I pushed my way through the crowd to see what they all were staring at.

There in a growing pool of her own blood sat someone I had known in another world. I knew I loved her but I couldn’t remember who she was. Her face was a blur to me the details always just out of focus. I collapsed onto her and tears ran down my already soaked checks. The rain was washing away the blood and with it all of my hope. I would never see her again. Not her smile that had brightened so many of my gloomy days, I would never see it again.

A strange soft presence pressed down on my shoulder and soon engulfed me in a hug. A majestic indigo form filled the area to my right. I could tell that it wasn’t supposed to be there but that didn’t stop me from feeling better in the comfort of a wing over my back. We sat there for what seemed like an eternity. The horror before me had melted away into a sea of blurs again.

I woke feeling rested and whole. The numbness had long since faded and I was back to exploring my new body. All of it was strange and new even after a day of having it. I shifted up from my side that I had been sleeping on. Letting my body do what it knew to do seemed to work best so I didn’t try to over think it much even if that was fairly hard to do.

My hair was just long enough to be annoying but not long enough to really do anything with. It flopped uselessly into my face at almost every movement from me. Maybe one of the ponies from last night would have a solution. After all they all had powerful magic at least from what I had saw though maybe it was all in the rainbow of doom category.

The purple pony whose name I had not yet caught was no where to be seen. I was starting to feel a bit parched. I couldn’t remember when I had eaten last, if ever. No one had told me to stay put so a little wandering around looking for food would probably not be punished.
I slid off the bed and onto my four feet. I hadn’t tried walking yet and a bit of anxiety over that built in my stomach. Sitting there wasn’t going to get me anywhere and I was stable enough just standing. Tentatively I took my first step and then another. It was taxing on my mind trying to think out how to walk and I was very unstable. Almost falling I tried to relax and let my body do its thing. That worked relatively well though it didn’t put as much certainty into my step as I would have liked. I pulled open the door which was thankfully not locked and stepped out into the hallway.

Paintings covered almost every inch of the walls and where there were none there were decorative statues or suits of armor. There were no windows but the area was well lit from lamps hung from the ceiling. They seemed to be made of some sort of crystal and must have been magic. They gave off a nice bright light that wasn’t overpowering to my eyes.

A guard stood at attention part way down the hall from me. He didn’t react to my presence but I was under no delusion that he didn’t see me. With no one else nearby I figured I might as well ask him where I can find some water and food. He was a bit scary looking despite being a pony and it took me a bit of time to walk over to him. In part because I was still not used to walking like this and in part because I hesitated.

“Um, excuse me. I’m sorry to bug you but I am a bit new around here and I was wondering where I might be able to get some food and water?” I asked in a quiet voice. I pulled the cloak around me tighter and let my hair hide part of my face.

“If you go down this hall and take a left there should be a group of guards there who can lead you to the dining area,” said the guard. He pointed further down the hall to where I could see an intersection “I can not leave my post or I would show you myself.”

“Oh, okay,” I said.

I left the guard behind and slowly made my way down the hall. I did my best to take in as many of the paintings as possible. Many of them were in the same style and had the same signature to them. Who ever painted all of them was a prolific artist. They depicted all sorts of things but mostly were just scenes of life or the night. Had I ever done anything like this?

A thought occurred to me that was some what disturbing. Was I the same person as the one who had jumped? I definitely didn’t look like her. Something had changed when I had been blasted by the Rainbow of Doom and I wasn’t really certain if I was the same person anymore. I new that this feeling of rightness that was my body, even with the pony half was new to this life. I still carried a hole in my heart but it was different now. It was like I was carrying someone else’s pain for them.

I came upon the intersection in the hallway. I could see a great door to the right just a few yards down the hallway and to the left there was a pair of guards. They looked identical which was confusing to me. Were they twins? But the also looked eerily similar to the guard I had talked to. My anxiousness became more present as I approached the two guards. Alone they had been some what intimidating but now they were frightening.

“Can we help you, miss?” asked one of the guards. His voice was calm and kind and helped push away my stress.

“Um, I need to find some food and water,” I said. “The guard back that way said one of you might be able to help me find that. If it is no problem and you aren’t too busy. I don’t want to be a bother.”

“It is no problem,” said the same guard. “Corporal, would you please lead our guest to the private dining room and then see to it that she is properly fed. I am sorry miss but we have to keep you to the private areas of the castle which means the cafeteria is out of the question but we will make sure you are still satisfied.”
“Oh, okay,” I said.

“Right this way, miss,” said the second guard.

He lead me further down the hall to a new room which had a large table with plenty of seating. The room was sparsely decorated but had fancy wallpaper and the furniture matched the walls in its elegance. I did not belong in this room but the corporal seemed at ease with us being here. He pulled out a chair for me and then grabbed a pamphlet that he handed me.

“Just let me know what you want and I will have it delivered,” said the corporal. He stood at attention near the door waiting for me to place my order.

Opening the menu, I found an unfortunate reality before me. All of the words on the paper were completely undecipherable for me. There were no pictures of course. I spent some time vainly trying to squeeze some amount of understanding from the menu. It didn’t work.

“Um, I can’t read the menu,” I said quietly.

“I can read it for you if you would like, miss,” said the corporal.

“Please,” I said.

He started to list of the options which were not restricted to breakfast items. Some of them I had no idea what were even if I could understand the words spoken. I was pretty set on ordering pancakes as that seemed like something I could eat but I wasn’t certain what I could and couldn’t eat. Was I more human in diet or more pony? What did a pony need in their diet? I felt like fruit might be a safe bet as I felt like both ponies and humans could eat those. Still they had pancakes and those sounded familiar they were probably safe.

The door which the corporal had closed behind us swung open revealing the large white pony from the day earlier. She smiled at me and entered the room. I noticed her hair for the first time and marveled in the pastel colors of it. The way it waved with an intangible wind.

“Good morning, Zoe,” said the large white mare. “At ease Corporal Gilded Shield. Are you just now ordering your breakfast, Zoe?”

“Um yeah, if that is alright?” I said. “I don’t want to be a bother.”

“Everyone needs to eat. I would rather starve myself than deprive you of that,” the large white mare said. “All this means is I can save the corporal and the wait staff a trip. What were you thinking of ordering?”

“Um pancakes or fruit but I don’t know what I can eat. Some of this stuff I can recognize but I don’t know if it is edible for me,” I said.

“Well why don’t we order a sampler plater, a little bit of everything, and find out what soothes your palet,” said the large white mare. “Besides I always have a hard time just picking one thing to eat. I hope you don’t mind me joining you for breakfast.”

“Um no of course not. I should be the one asking you,” I said. “I don’t even know your name and yet I feel like this is probably your castle. Well that and Princess Luna’s.”

“Forgive me, I forgot that you wouldn’t know who I am. Normally my reputation precedes me long before anypony would be in my private area of the castle. I am Princess Celestia. Though there is no need for formalities here,” said the large white mare. “Corporal, will you go place an order for a sample platter?”

“Right away, your highness,” said Gilded Shield. He left the room quickly but politely.

“It shouldn’t be too long now for our food to arrive,” said Princess Celestia. “So how are you feeling this morning?”

“Uh, alright. I don’t have much to compare it to. I can’t remember before yesterday. It is weird knowing things but not remembering why or how you know them. Well and I am pretty hungry,” I said.

“We will help you fill in the gaps as best we can,” Princess Celestia said. “I know this all must be quite confusing for you. I want you to know that the crown will make sure you are well taken care of until such time as you can fend for yourself. Which need not be anytime soon. I know you are not a child but I would like to see you given the same amount of time as any other would to find themselves.”

“Um actually I think I am a child or at least adolescent. From what I can remember about humans my upper torso is still under developed and my pony half is smaller than anybody else around here,” I said. “But I don’t know that could just be because I am a hybrid.”

“Possibly. How much you will grow if at all is uncertain. As is how long you will live. Though to be fair estimates are all anyone has for that,” Princess Celestia said. “Hybrids are very rare in Equestria. The only species like you are from a nearby realm. The centaurs are similar in shape to you but you are very much different from them. And we can not rely on the information you may remember as your realm had no magic in it and magic has a tendency to change everything. Who knows how long a regular human would live in a world as saturated with magic as Equis is.”

“Equis is this world’s name?” I asked.

“Yes. It is good to see you willing to learn of your new home,” Princess Celestia said.

Our breakfast came and our conversation shifted towards tastes and favorites. There was such a variety of fruits available but it was nice to know that some of them seemed the same as those from my minuscule memory. It seemed that I could eat much of the food there though hay seemed beyond me. Apparently I was similar to a griffon in my tastes out side of an increased fondness for sweets.

A wave of sadness washed over me as I chewed the first bite of a waffle. There was something about the texture that sparked some sort of residual memory. Tears started welling up in my eyes and could barely swallow the bite as my throat seemed to clam up. Someone or something had hurt her and now I couldn’t shake the pain.

“What is wrong? Did you bite your tongue?” asked Princess Celestia.

“No. I don’t know what is wrong. Just something about the waffles…”I said quietly fading out.

Princess Celestia pulled my bench closer to hers and wrapped a wing around me. Her warmth was welcomed but it didn’t chase away the hole in my chest that had been opened up. The floodgates of my tears had been opened and there was no damming them. Celestia started to hum what sounded like a lullaby. It was soothing to listen to and while my heart warmed just a bit it only took the edge off the sorrow.

The door opened again and a mare with brown mane and a light tan coat came walking in. Her mane was done up in a bun that looked like it was going to fall apart at any moment. Her emblem was that of a scroll and quill. I hadn’t figured out what they were for yet but it seemed like every one had them. The mare was carrying a large roll of parchment.

“My pardons, your highness,” said the mare. “I didn’t know you had a guest this morning.”

“It is not a problem,” said Princess Celestia. “What is on my schedule for today, Ensorcelled Quill?”

Ensorcelled Quill listed off a long and packed day. I got lost after the first few items on the list and mostly just tried to figure out what sort of job Princess Celestia did in her kingdom. Her daily schedule strangely enough didn’t really shed much light on that though. After a few more moments of letting the schedule become a blur Ensorcelled Quill stop talking.

“Thank you, Ensorcelled,” Princess Celestia said. “I am sorry to leave you alone but I must attend to my duties. I am sure that Twilight and her friends would love to spend time with you when they wake up. In fact I would bet some of the are already awake. I shall see you later, Zoe.”

I nodded and turned back to the food. Princess Celestia had just left it here and I was in no condition to take care of this. It must be a wait staff that did this and as I sat pondering this another mare this one with a pair of bags strapped to her back walked into the room.

“Oh I’m sorry. I didn’t realize anyone else was left in here. It is usual safe to enter after the Princess leaves,” said the mare. She was small but still a bit bigger than me and had brilliant orange hair with a dark brown fur. Here eyes stood out from her face all the more because of her dark fur. She had a heart with a sparkle on it for an emblem. “I can come back later if you are still using the room.”

“No,” I said. “I am done. Let me get out of your way. At least you are being useful.”

“Oh thank you,” said the mare. “My boss would get mad at me if I didn’t have this done in a timely manner.”

I nodded to her and left the room behind. Despite having just woke up a no more than an hour or two ago I found myself drained and listless. I wasn’t so much feeling sad as feeling numb. My thoughts dwelt on my memories and the foggy void that was most of them. I couldn’t help but keep replaying the one memory I did have. I wasn’t supposed to be alive anymore. A dark thought occurred to me.

I turned back into the dinning room. I waited till the cleaning mare had her back turned and then grabbed the knife that had been used to cut the bread. I would fix fates mistake. Hiding my stolen prize under my cloak I backed out of the room.

There had to be somewhere quiet nearby that I could end this in. I didn’t want to mess up any part of the castle which meant finding a place without carpet or a bathroom preferably. I wandered back to where the corporal had been standing. Surely the guards would know where a bathroom would be. They did and pointed me in the right direction when I refused an escort. I didn’t want to be watched.

The bathroom was empty thankfully. It was a single occupancy bathroom that was quite spacious. I hung my cloak up on the rack that was near the door. It was for towels but it worked none the less. The cloak was very pretty and I wouldn’t want it ruined even if that meant they found me naked.

I started to cut but it wasn’t enough. I had to try over and over again to get it to work right. By the time that I had a good flow my wrist was a mess. It hurt but that didn’t drive away the numbness that filled me. I wouldn’t be broken anymore.

The door swung open as I had forgotten to lock it. A familiar orange pony walked in. She said, “Pardon me. I didn’t know this was in use. Wait what happened to your wrist. Oh Celestia. Rarity!”

The orange mare momentarily backed out of the room only to return with the white and purple mare whose name I assumed was Rarity. She immediately jumped into action with her horn lighting up. A towel was pressed against my wrist as she yelled at the other pony to go get help. My head was getting foggy at this point.

“Come on darling stay with me. Stay awake,” said Rarity. She held my arm up above my head with her magic. “Why would you do this to yourself?”

Comments

[Texus]

If I understood it right and it happened to you to like you said in you last comment, then I'm storry and I mean it.
However I have to admit that I always loved to read about pyschological stuff and something like this, I like to see how she is slowly getting better and hopefully not to fast. However I don't know how big you would want to make your story, I would read a lot at least.

Well you get my upvote now.

I liked what you told me in your last comment, at least I don't remember anything bad right now.
I kind of image herself not exactly knowing why she did that, but only having the nearly innocent thought that she isn't supposed to live. You now like someone who maybe wouldn'T see the problm with it, but that is mostly because I'm still not sure if she is getting back her memories or not. You probably told me already, but I think she only has a few memories and feelings her old body had.

[ponylover2]

great and kinda scary end of the chapter my friend. but I can't wait for the next upload for this story keep me posted

[Tohshi]

7859606 yeah I was pretty nervous about this chapter. I want to try to be realistic with my portrayal of depression but sometimes that is scary

[ponylover2]

7859635 that's ok my friend u don't have to be nervous just keep doing what ur doing and send an update for this story