• Published 3rd Jul 2012
  • 5,846 Views, 81 Comments

Cusp of Dawn - OrphiusOlyandra



A magic surge from filly Twilight destroys a city block. 10 years on, she finally stops running

  • ...
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Chapter 1

Walking slowly through Whitetail Woods, I sent a silent prayer to the Mare in the Moon. All I needed was one more day, then this nightmare could be over. Off in the distance I could see a faint flicker of light, and when the wind breezed through my mane it brought the scent of fresh stew with it. My immediate reaction was to gag at the nauseating smell; she always did enjoy adding lots of herbs. Though I suspected I knew who was there, I didn’t take any chances. I couldn't afford to.

Every fiber of my being screamed at me to go the other direction and run away, but I shoved it into that deep, dark corner of my mind. With one last calming breath, I peered through the foliage and a sigh of relief escaped at the sight of the familiar caravan. Battered and worn, but ‘well-loved’, she'd say. A second later, the familiar blue unicorn with a pale blue mane stepped into view.

Come on Twilight, you can do this!

Nodding once to myself, I stepped into the firelight and trotted over with a smile on my face. "Trixie!"

"It's the Great and Powerful Trixie to you, cur," she snapped without even turning around. She did, however levitate a second bowl of warm soup over onto the log beside her.

"Pardon me then, Great and Powerful Trixie, but I seem to recall that those in Reinsville are still talking about a certain arrogant mare that they had to chase out of their village." Sitting down, I blew on the soup lightly to cool it down. "What is that? The fifth town this month? Keep this up and you'll have a new record."

"Those simple-minded peasants could not comprehend the greatness that is Trixie!" She threw back her forehooves while striking a dramatic pose on the log she sat on. "And don't think Trixie hasn't heard about your exploits, Twilight Sparkle."

"I don't know what you're talking about." Taking a sip, a shudder ran through my body at the overload of flavors, but it was food and free at that.

"You cannot fool Trixie so easily. She was at Hoofington when she heard a certain story about how a mysterious purple mare with a starburst cutie mark managed to singlehoofedly stopped a dam from bursting."

"Starburst cutie mark? Yep, that's me. The one whose special talent is blowing stuff up," I muttered under my breath.

"Twilight..."

"And let me guess, the guards arrived and started asking around and suddenly I became the villain of the story? I became the demon whose magic caused it to burst in the first place, but couldn't finish off the job because the Royal Guards were coming?"

"Yes. Trixie... regrets this."

I shook my head. "No it's fine. I understand and I accept it. I am a danger to society after all."

"Trixie fails to see why Twilight Sparkle would still bother to help those whelps at all. After all, what have they done for you? Nothing. They alienate you and chase you out of their disgusting towns."

"They're scared." I grasped the bowl in my mouth and held it out to Trixie and she dutifully filled it up for me. "I would be too, in their situation. After all, I did vaporize an entire Canterlot block and destroy a town or two before I found out how to kind of control my magic. Who wouldn't be terrified of that? Still gets away from me sometimes, truth be told."

We lapsed into silence. This was an old argument, one that was repeated almost every time we met up. Still, I'd like to think that we both took comfort in the stability of the fact that, no matter what, we would always argue over this one thing. She was a wandering magician and I was a fugitive on the run. As long as we had this one single constant in our lives, we could get through this. That, and the day she agreed with me is the day I know something's wrong.

"Well, if Twilight keeps slacking off, Trixie will win this month."

Laughing, I rolled my eyes. "I'm sorry, Miss Great and Powerful. I'll try harder to get thrown out of a town next time. Maybe I should blow up that horribly seedy bar in the lower parts of Manehatten?"

“Trixie would settle for the ‘mansion’ Blueblood is constructing on the outskirts of the forest. That moronic stallion is ruining perfectly fine land!”

"What about the one he constructed by that beach last year? Ghastly thing."

"Or that run-down library in Los Pegasus."

"Trixie! That's terrible! It's a library."

"But Trixie has heard it needs renovating."

"Oh... sorry then. I know! That hideous statue of Star Swirl the Bearded outside the Royal Canterlot Library. That thing seriously needs to go."

"What? That's not hideous."

"How can you say that? The statue doesn't even have bells! It's an insult to his legacy, and its mere existence is an abomination that needs to be rectified immediately."

"Twilight Sparkle, you are such an egghead."

"Better than being a braggart."

"The Great and Powerful Trixie does not brag. She merely tells the truth."

"Sure."

Silence descended as we turned to our meals. By now, it was cool enough for us to eat without scalding our mouths. Sure, it wasn't the best meal in the world, but it was three times better than what I normally had, and it was fresh. That, and I couldn't cook at all. The first rule of living on the streets is to never turn down free food, as you never knew when the next meal would come along. Sometimes it was a matter of hours, but normally it came down to days.

Most ponies would have found the silence intolerable or perhaps even hostile, but to me it was a companionable one. Sure, we didn't see eye to eye often and our arguments could get heated, but we were both travelers on this empty road called life, and we were both dealt horrible hands by fate. Was she a friend? A companion? Or just some random pony I had a mutual agreement with? Truth be told, I had no clue and I was afraid of finding out. In my deepest dreams and darkest secrets, she was a friend to me. If I were to ask and she disagreed, well...

"Shining Armor and Princess Cadence were there," she whispered. "They talked to me, asked me some questions."

My heart froze. My BBBFF was there? Licking my dry lips, I took a sip of soup to hide the tears that pricked my eyes. And Cadence too. How had things gone so bad so fast? They hunted me with a relish and fervor that was reminiscent of a starving pony looking for food.

"Oh, really?" I replied nonchalantly.

Two pairs of violet eyes met over a bowl of steaming soup, and not for the first time I winced at my own stupidity. Sometimes I forgot that under that braggart façade was an intelligent pony who could read a crowd as easily as a book.

"Twi—"

"They hate me, Trixie. I killed Mom and Dad, as well as countless others." My voice was perfectly monotone even as tears leaked down my cheek. "And I don't blame them one bit. I deserve to be hunted down like an animal. It's better that they believe I'm dead."

A blue limb wrapped around my waist, pulling me close to her. Unconsciously I leaned in, snuggling into her side as I sobbed my eyes out, saturating her fur. Not once did she say anything or move away. Instead, she brushed my hair and whispered sweet nothings in my ear and for the first time in a long time I felt safe and at ease.

Eventually, though, I got my emotions back under control and pulled away with a smile. "Thank you, Trixie."

The showmare nodded in response, and we settled back into a comfortable silence.

"Oh!" Reaching behind me, I pulled out four books one after another. "Thank you for getting these books for me, and sorry for taking so long to finish them, but I'm done now so you should probably return them to the library."

"Trixie only issued two books for you." For the second time that night, I froze as she began examining the extra one. "This... this is your spell book and journal. What are you planning, Twilight Sparkle?"

Sighing, I lay down on the log, staring up at the night sky. "I'm tired, Trixie. Of running, of living on the streets, of being hunted and watching my every step. This is no way to live, at least not for me. All I wanted, all I ever wanted, was to own a library; to get a degree and study for the rest of my life. I'm tired, so very tired. Ten years... some would say that's ten too many. But I can't go on like this. I'm giving up."

"And so you decided to spend your final night with an arrogant mare?"

I burst out laughing at that. "Out of all the possible things you could have said, you ask that?" I choked out between chuckles.

"Did you expect anything else?" she asked with a wry smile.

"I suppose something profound or even… I don't know, touching? Would that be too much to ask for?"

"Trixie doesn't do profound or touching. She does have a reputation to retain after all."

"Yeah. One of being a braggart, arrogant and unlikable. You know, you could make a lot of friends if you bothered to just drop the act. Being chased out of towns, always being on the move... You don't have to live like that, you know?"

"But Trixie enjoys traveling." She lay down on the grass next to me as the flames flickered under the starry sky. "She gets to see ponies from every walk of life, learn skills that most would not even know existed, and meet creatures that probably aren't even in those books of yours. Trixie's talked with gryphons and changlings. She’s learned how to cook, and to carve wood and fix a broken wheel. She’s conversed with rock farmers and merchants. It is not a glamorous life, but there is no other life she could dream of living."

"And friends would get in the way of that?"

"You know it would. Trixie's travels have no rhyme or reason, no path she follows; she drifts where her heart carries her. Even now, she can hear the music calling her towards Ponyville. Friends would deny her that opportunity, they'd shackle her to a single location while she yearns for freedom. Plus, even this arrogant mare knows she'd miss her friends if she did travel, and it'd hurt her friends. Letters? An impossibility. How do you send a letter to somepony who could be anywhere in Equestria?"

"You've thought about this."

She nodded and rolled over so she could look me in the eyes. "You are not the only one who has dreamt of giving up. Trixie has... entertained the thought on numerous occasions, but in the end, she always decides to stay on her current course of action. Sometimes this life is hard, and sometimes giving up seems like the easy path. But then thoughts of all those ponies Trixie has met in the past float by, and she knows that there are so many others out there. Trixie cannot and will not give up on them."

"Despite being chased out of every single town?"

"That is an exaggeration and you know it." A sigh escaped as she stared into the campfire. "You wouldn't understand, for you've never performed in front of a crowd. But seeing their eyes light up and the way they look up... Trixie inspires some of them. That is why I travel, Twilight Sparkle."

"And here I always thought it was to show off and inflate your own ego," I chuckled.

"That too."

Laughter burst forth, filling the forest with peals and peals of sound.

"Will you tell Trixie why, at least?"

"I already did, didn't I?"

"No, I meant the spell book and journal."

"Oh." Shrugging, I looked off into the dancing flames. "There are spells in there, modified ones and some of my own creation. I suppose being on the run did some good; after all, if I hadn't then there wouldn't have been the drive to stay alive, and those spells would never have been created. You are a good mare, Trixie, despite what every other pony may say and... well... I'm evil. If I came out with a book of spells, they'd rip it to shreds, burn it, then toss it into the sun or something. But if it were you t—"

"No. This is your life's work. Your dream. Trixie cannot accept this."

"You can and you will because I want you to. It's the only way for it to be integrated into the greater knowledge base. Plus there's nopony I trust more than you."

"Twilight..."

"Please, Trixie. One last thing for me."

"Of course."

I'm not sure how long I stayed there, unmoving. Together we watched the stars twinkle and the moon move across the night sky. Then, as the first kiss of dawn graced the heavens , I stood up.

"So this is it then," whispered Trixie.

"Afraid so. It's been a pleasure knowing you, Trixie, even if you do drive me up the wall every so often."

"No, the pleasure is all mine." Shock coursed through my system as I noticed the slight shimmering of her eyes under the twilight sky. "You have been a great friend and I will never forget the time we've spent together. I shall keep your memory alive and one day I shall clear it."

"Trixie, your —"

Her sad chuckle cut me off. "Like I said, I've got a reputation to maintain. Now go, Twilight Sparkle, and show them a proud mare who's not afraid."

I nodded and, with a parting hug, stepped back. While tears leaked freely down my cheeks, Trixie's eyes stayed dry, though they did seem a bit wet at the edges. Closing my eyes, I touched the well of magic within me, and it leapt at my call. It immediately flooded my body, setting my veins alight. I could taste the electric crackle on my tongue. Slowly rising off the ground, I could feel it slamming against my control again and again like a stormy sea. In my mind's eye I could see the majestic marble statue Princess Celestia had erected to honor the dead. I could see every last detail: the names, the perfect finish, and the slight crack I left on the base in my haste to flee the scene when I visited last year. Four hundred and sixty-seven names were on there, and I knew each one by heart.

"Goodbye, Twilight Sparkle. Go give them a show they'll never forget," whispered Trixie.

With one final smile to my dear friend, I vanished in an explosion of light. The shock of re-entrance threw me onto the cold hard ground. Groaning, I got shakily onto my hooves, but the way the world spun around me forced me back onto my rump.

"Oh dear Celestia." I squeezed my eyes shut. "I really need to work on that spell some more; I feel like I've been trampled by a stampeding herd of buffalo."

"That sounds terrible indeed," said a melodious voice.

Despite the dangerous swaying of the world beneath my hooves, I spun around and executed what I hoped was an adequate bow. "P-Princess Celestia!"

When she didn't reply, I looked up hesitantly and realized that she wasn't even looking at me. Instead, she was still gazing at the stone monolith before us even as the sun continued its slow ascent through the sky. It was exactly as I remembered it. The crack at the base had even been repaired to the point where I was beginning to doubt if I had cracked it at all.

"I come here every morning you know," said Princess Celestia. "None of these ponies should have died that day, and perhaps if I had been more vigilant they wouldn't have."

"Princess..." I licked my dry lips. "It wasn't your fault you know."

"I know, but it's my duty to look out for my little ponies. And in that regard I failed miserably, I'm afraid."

"Actually you could say that I'm... that is..." Gazing up at the goddess before me, I gulped at the implications of what I was about to do. Sure, I had told myself that this was the right thing. All the books I had read on the subject said the exact same thing, but now that it came down to actually doing it, I was frozen in place.

No. I would not run any more. This would be my redemption.

Clearing my throat, I spoke in the clearest voice I could manage. "The pony who killed all those ponies was m—"

"Princess!"

I was violently tackled to the ground, and the wind was knocked out of me. All-too-familiar magic shackles found their way around my hooves, and I could feel the horn digging into my throat just in case I did anything dangerous.

"Stand down, Shining Armor. I merely wish to talk to the mare."

My throat constricted and all breathing stopped.

"But Princess! This is the mare we've been hunting all along."

"Do you not recognize your own sister?"

"My own —?"

I immediately looked away. This wasn't meant to happen; this wasn't part of the plan. He was never meant to find out! Panic gripped my heart and with it, the familiar flood of magic. Taking a deep breath, I tried to force it back down and away, but no matter how hard I tried, all I could do was keep a lid on it. One more push, and I was afraid it'd spill over.

Magic coalesced around my head and forcibly turned me to face my brother. Light blue eyes scraped over every last inch of my face, scrutinizing me as though I was some sort of science experiment.

Truth be told, I was probably doing the exact same thing to him. Every time we had met in the past, I was too busy running for my life to take in any details. Now we were mere inches apart and it was impossible to ignore how much he had changed. His face had become sharper and his eyes had a predatory glint to them that sent chills through my body. Gone was his perfectly groomed coat and mane. Instead, it had been replaced by one damp with sweat and muck. Add on the dark circles under his eyes and I just knew he hadn't slept these past couple of days. He looked older than Dad.

Had I done this to him? Had he spent late night after late night shuffling through eyewitness accounts and traversing the countryside chasing after rumors? Part of me wanted to say no, to deny it with all my might, but I was done with running. Looking at that familiar face, the answer had been etched into its surface. It was just another sin to add to my pile.

"Twilie?"

It was like a lance to my heart. "Hey BBBFF ," I said with a weak smile.

"No-I-this—! Why didn't you ever tell me!"

"And risk your position as Captain of the Royal Guard?" Princess Celestia cocked an eyebrow as though he was an idiot. "Plus, I was never certain until she arrived just now. Unlike you, I've never had the pleasure of meeting her in person."

"She's my sister, damn it!" he roared. "We thought she was dead!"

"So I was meant to give you false reassurances instead?" Not once did Princess Celestia's expression or voice change. "I was meant to tell you that your baby sister killed hundreds of ponies, destroyed several towns, and was now running from the law? And might I remind you, you took an oath to uphold the law no matter what."

Mouth half open in a reply, Shining was cut off by an explosion of blue light.

"Celestia, wait!"

My eyes widened at the familiar voice. No. Bucking. Way.

Trixie half stumbled into my field of view. "Don't kill her, she's... she's a brilliant mare and could redefine magic in Equestria as we know it. Just read this!"

My spell book floated over to the Princess and together she and Shining Armor immediately began reading as we waited in a tense silence. If I wasn't currently bound in magic, and if I wasn't afraid of the mere thought of distracting Princess Celestia with talking, I would have yelled at Trixie for a couple of hours.

"Well now, some of these spells are flawed and downright dangerous, but a couple minor tweaks should fix them up without any problems. Wouldn't you agree, Captain?"

"Huh?" Shining Armor looked up from my spell book. "I mean, yes. Of course, some of them are completely brilliant, like that long-range teleportation spell."

"Please inform everypony that the Sun Court is canceled for today."

"But..." He shot a pointed look down at me.

"She's perfectly capable of handling herself," snapped Trixie.

To my surprise, he bit back a scathing reply and merely gave a royal bow to Princess Celestia before giving a second to Trixie. With as much dignity as he could muster, Shining Armor trotted towards the looming castle before us. From the various looks I was getting from the guards and nobles who had managed to overhear the conversation, I really, really, really hoped I didn't have to go in there. Jumping into a lake full of piranhas would be more fun. And I'd have a higher chance of surviving.

"Now, let us take this talk somewhere private." Princess Celestia's horn glowed and my shackles melted off. A second later, I suddenly found myself in the middle of a maze with hedges towering above me on all sides and beside me stood Trixie. "Much better. Now, there is the matter of your punishment. Both of your punishments."

"But Princess, Trixie didn't do anything wrong!"

"She helped you and that is a crime in and of itself," stated the alicorn.

"But —"

"Shut up, Twilight," interrupted Trixie. "I knew what I was getting into when I came here. Lay it on me, Celestia."

I stared at my friend. This wasn't supposed to happen. None of this was supposed to happen. I was the one who had committed the crime, I was the one who was supposed to be punished, I was the guilty one. Not her. Please, not my only friend. While I felt tears threaten to spill over the edges of my eyes, I also felt a sense of anger. Anger at myself and anger at her.

"All in due time, Great and Powerful Trixie." At my look of shock, she gave an amused snort. "As for you, Twilight Sparkle —"

"She's innocent," said Trixie. "She was a foal when the accident happened and it was the result of a magical surge. Such actions are beyond her control and therefore she shouldn't be punished."

"True enough... and while I agree with you, I am afraid the public does not."

"A scapegoat," growled Trixie.

"Call it what you wish, but it does not change the past." Taking a deep breath, Princess Celestia looked down at us. "Trixie, I believe community service would work nicely for you. I shall station you in Ponyville to look after the library there, and who knows? Maybe you'll actually make some friends. As for you, Twilight Sparkle, you are hereby exiled to the ruins in the Everfree Forest until such time your true punishment can be determined. Kno—"

"That's a death sentence!" yelled Trixie. "No pony can survive in the Everfree!"

"—wing those nobles, they'll want me to execute you at the Summer Sun Celebration that is being held at Ponyville this year," she finished with a glare at Trixie.

"Executions are illegal," commented the show mare. "A law you passed yourself."

"I'm sure my little ponies are willing to overlook it this one time," replied the Princess with a dismissive flick of her hoof, though she made sure to not look either of us in the eye.

Execution? It was definitely something I knew was a possibility and one I wholly came to expect, but actually hearing it being said was an entirely different matter. The entire concept filled me with fear, but at the same time, it also meant a definitive end to this nightmare. No more starving, no more cold nights sleeping on streets, no more constant fear. It was an end.

As Trixie opened her mouth to argue further, I placed a hoof on Trixie's shoulder. "No. I deserve to be punished and this... this is far more merciful than I expected. Thank you, Princess."

"Yes, thank you so very much , Princess," snarked Trixie.

The resulting glare should have incinerated Trixie on the spot, but she merely smirked back as though it was all a joke to her. I suppose the only reason she survived is because Princess Celestia is nice; something Trixie obviously had no comprehension of. Maybe I should have gotten her that guide on being nice after all? One of these days that loud mouth of hers will get her in trouble, I just know it.

"Twilight Sparkle?" Though the Princess spoke normally, it felt like the weight of the entire galaxy had descended upon me. "Leave us. I have private matters I wish to discuss with The Great and Powerful Trixie."

"Yes! Of course! Right away, your Majesty. Er... that is... um... if you would be kind enough to direct me out?"

The alicorn's horn glowed yellow and I felt her magic wrap itself around me. It was calming, soothing, like the midsummer sun on some lazy afternoon. Then with a soft pop, the meadow vanished and I reappeared in a room. There was a bed, a bathroom and even a book on the nightstand titled, "The Elements of Harmony: A Reference Guide." Despite the fanciness of the room, I had no doubts that this was a cell. There was a single small window with bars to prevent escape and a door did not exist. More than that though, the walls shimmered with magic – no doubt shielding spells to prevent unicorns from teleporting out.

Well, it was better than sleeping out in the cold.

Comments ( 81 )

Okay, here's a oneshot I've been working on that also been slightly editted by the wonderful y1sfellas and the superb Sabre. To understand exactly what Celestia has done it may be necessary to read between the lines to figure it out. As per usual, critique it as much as you want and for those who are wondering, no it will not impact on the update schedule of my other fic.

And does the sad tag even really count?

Edit: Minor corrections made

I shall read it later!

849306
Dood, I was just about to comment on your reading speed.

I actually read this over on fanfiction.net and found it interesting. The dynamic between Twilight and Trixie is fairly new and I like the idea of redemption that this story puts out there. For both characters.

Lovely little fic! There are a few spots where a space is needed between words and a few capitalization issues but that's about it. If there's a sequel, I'd read it!

849341
I'm glad you enjoyed it so much, I'm still waiting for one of my edittors to get back to me so I can update it, but I felt posting it here in the mean time would be a good idea. And seriously? More mistakes? I'll fix those up in the morning when I can see straight.

849315
Yeah, I just woke up so... yeah.

EDIT: Just finished reading and I LOVE it!

Read later! I'll be back after breakfast and lifting, but I can't wait to see how this goes.

Soo...Celestia placed Trixie in Ponyville and Twilight in the Everfree to wait until her execution, which will not happen because the next Summer Sun Celebration will probably be the 1000th one and, as such, the return of Nightmare Moon. However, what would that accomplish? Trixie as the new Element of Magic? I don't know if she could befriend the rest of the mane 6, and Twilight is probably out of it, too, since she'll be sitting in the ruins, unable to make any friends.:twilightoops: Or did I miss something?
Anyway, it is an interesting AU. It's actually a bit sad that it's only a oneshot.

It does definitely take 2 reads to figure out just what Celestia's doing, she really fits in both with her canon and fanon personalities. :trollestia:
Aside from that, I really liked your characterisation and justification of Trixie, a character I typically dislike.

okay, i'll start this of with, I liked it! a nice twist on Twixie, they don't hate each other nor are they a couple, just friends, i liked that.
And i couldn't spot too many errors but this needs to be "cleaned up".

also, it says "complete" but i take it you're releasing more chapters, since i read that a few comments up and that ending was way too "open".

great concept, good writing, needs a little fixing though, all in all, a solid story.

Faved, tracked, and all that good stuff.

I agree, it needs to be expanded somewhat.

Maybe it's in prep for some sort of lesson about forgiveness? If they are willing to accept a redeemed Princess Luna who may have actually chose her darker path, then they should forgive a young mare who didn't.

Well Twilight is still the element of magic and Celestia set her up for doing her work, maybe redeem herself by saving the oh so popular princess of the sun, and getting the 2nd one back.

Its all about the public opinion, they want to blame someone for the deaths and they dont give a buck its a kid, so the princess sets it up that Twilight gets to save the day properly.

But how could the person chasing Twilight not know its his sister, he would at least suspect her being oh so similar to her and check out and maybe notice that she is not on the list of killed? Hes a captain not some soldier not told anything.

Basicly a different start to the normal story?

Very nice btw :twilightsmile:

I liked this story. And as everyone else has said I would love an expansion of the story. It was great but the only thing I didn't like was the fact that the story seemed cut off at the end like it should be continued.

Well that was a lovely little read:pinkiesmile:

Wait a second, it's over? No. Wrong. Just no. MOAR. For the love of the sun, MOAR. You can't leave me hanging like that!

Actually, you can, and I commend you for being able to get that reaction from me. In all seriousness, I think you could have expanded on this idea more, because it was a bit short for my liking. Now, that being said, I have a few things to point out:

1. Grammar. In multiple places you forgot to put spaces in between words and after punctuation, and there were a couple of mistakes with your compound words. Also, there were places where you should have put a comma but didn't. One last thing: at times you used the wrong verb tense (just PM me if you have questions about that). There were other minor issues, but nothing else too distracting.
2. Too much dialogue. Twilight's mind has got to be racing almost the whole time, and I didn't get that feeling at all. At times I even forgot this was from Twilight's point of view. Give us more of Twilight's thoughts as she goes through this journey, not just her listening to other ponies talk without comment.
3. I doubt Celestia would actually talk and act the way she did in this, even considering Twilight's and Trixie's actions. You got Shining Armor just right though, so good job on that.

Other than that, I say job well done! You held my attention all the way to the end and managed to leave me hanging on the edge of my seat, which is a rare occurrence. I'll be waiting for more from you. :twilightsmile:

This feels like I'm reading Breaking Twilight; I want to give it a thumb up, but there are just so many errors. I love the world you crafted and the story you wrote, but the mistakes detract a lot. With some cleaning up, this could easily go from okay to great.

849415
In terms of Trixie befriending the rest of the Mane 6, I really wanted to show what she could be like as a friend in order to make that more plausible. I also gave it a longer time frame between them arriving and the subsequent NNM arrival to add that extra depth of realism. When it comes to how plausible it is, it'd probably take a bit of manipulation, but I don't think it's that implausible as in canon, Twilight only met them for a day. It is a valid concern though and it's part of the reason why I kept it as a oneshot to prevent myself from having to tangle with these things.

849423
Glad you enjoyed Celestia so much because she was a hassle to write. In the first draft, she came across too much as a tyrant so I had to tone that back. I'm glad I got the balance right in the end though.

849427
Sorry to disappoint, but there isn't a sequel or next chapter planned at all and this was meant to be a oneshot in its entirity. It is open ended and I sort of want it to be open ended truth be told. Plus, a lot of what happens in the future is implied in the story and I basically want people to assume that, that is the 'ending' so to speak. And everyone's mentioning it needs to be cleaned up so I shall clean it up!

849483
Originally I was going the fic was actually going to be a lot longer with one specific scene from each year of her ten years on the run which would eventually culminate in the scene written above. The issue with that though is that I felt it detracted from the above too much and it would drag out the fic too much. I very much wanted this to be about Twilight and Trixie's friendship as well as Celestia in the background. Could I write it in the future? Maybe, but I don't feel it'd make an interesting enough story and I've got a lot of other stories ideas which I feel would be far more interesting.

849515
Yep! Perfect summary of how Celestia planned things. In terms of Shining Armor, I'm fairly certain I said he thought Twilight was dead. If not, I'll just have to editt it in. Thanks for bringing it to my attention though.

850490
Yes! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! Finally, a critique, oh dear Celestia you're the best. Ahem. Sorry about that.
Someone else pointed out the lack of spacing and I'll be fixing that up now. I thought I had caught all of them already, but apparently not. And tenses, the bane of my writing. The prereaders at EQD pointed that out to me as well and my abuse of commas (so I editted some out, but apparently took out some wrong ones out) so yay me.
Could you expand on what you mean by your second point? I get what you're saying, but I felt as though I had enough thoughts already in there. Was there a specific place you felt it was missing or something?
What specifically about Celestia was off? She was the hardest character for me to write and I'd really love specifics if you could give them. Even something as simple as "She was too informal" would help a lot.

850894
Heh, grammar is my weakest point when it comes to writing. Everyone and I do mean everyone hassles me about it. I've actually got a friend editting this for me since I want to get it onto EQD and they said that the grammar was basically dragging it down. I am currently cleaning it up as we speak, but my grammar fails. Is there any area you'd particularly recomment me looking at? Other than tenses and comma useage because I know I'm crap at those two.

852016
that's a shame.. because it would make for some good reading..
ooh well..
good luck with what you decide to do next i guess

852016 The biggest problems are word tenses (present instead of past) and usages (things like me instead of my), that and typos, especially spaces that are either missing, or are offset. Basically, problems that could be fixed by just finding a good proofreader. You can probably find one here.

852043
Thanks. I may write something in between fics or when I have spare time, but currently I have other things I want to write. I'll definitely keep it in mind though for the future.

852071
Yeah, tenses are my weakest point right now and something I'm hoping to have fixed by the end of Breaking Twilight though usages is a new one so I'll definitely keep my eye out on that. Thanks for the link I'll definitely check it out and thanks for all the advice and critiques, I really appreciate it.

852016
Glad to see someone likes my critiques. I always like to tell writers how they can improve; seeing authors do their best is what I really love. So, on to details:

Too much dialogue, not enough Twilight. Where this stood out to me most was when Celestia, Trixie, and Twilight are in the hedge maze. It's line after line of dialogue, and Twilight has little to no mention. After a second glance-through, everywhere else looks fine.

Celestia is OOC. While informal speech isn't such a big deal, what she says and how she says it feels profoundly wrong in some spots. I'll quote the ones that I think are OOC. Immediately following the quotes are my initial reactions. After that, I'll explain why I reacted that way.

"Please be a dear and inform everypony that the Sun Court is cancelled for today."

"Please be a dear". Oh, Lawdy, no, no, no. I cannot, through any stretch of my imagination, imagine Celestia saying that, ever.

"True enough and while I agree with you, I am afraid the public does not."

Is Celestia really that weak? I know a ruler is bound by their subjects, but I find it hard to believe Celestia would give in to the public that easily.

"I'm sure my little ponies are willing to overlook it this one time," replied the Princess with a dismissive flick of her hoof.

Oh, dear God, no. The way I see Celestia, she would only resort to execution if she was going to be deposed otherwise, and even then sadly and regretfully. But without a care, as though a pony's life is insignificant? Never.

The resulting glare should have incinerated Trixie on the spot.

While this isn't dialogue, I find it hard to believe Celestia would ever glare at anyone. This isn't the only place, but this is where I think it was worst. I have a similar opinion regarding the quote below.



That's all I got. You asked for details, there they are. Sorry for the big wall of text, but I go all or nothing. On a final note, watch your spacing with quotation marks, specifically in places like this:

Celestia cocked an eyebrow as though he was an idiot." Plus, I was never certain

And so on.

Again, I enjoyed this story a lot, I'll be waiting for more from you! After consideration, I've decided to give you a watch. Keep up the good work!

852841
Alright, I'll definitely give the hedge maze section a second look over and add in some more thoughts into the entire thing. The ending was picked up as being too rushed in the original version so I added some more stuff in, but it seems like it wasn't enough so I'll try to slow it down a bit more with thoughts.

I can definitely see what you mean by the first quote and I will definitely change that. The second and third quotes was me trying to show Celestia resorting to lies and so forth in order to argue against Trixie. I will admit that those two lines were part of the original draft where Celestia was meant to come across as more of a tyrant than what is portrayed in the show. I do agree with what you say though and some adjustments will have to be made or at least, I have to clarify my intentions more. As for the glare, that's definitely my fault entirely. I was trying to imply that Trixie is Celestia's student in this AU and that Celestia feels comfortable enough to show emotions like glaring around Trixie and that while it is a glare, it's a common occurance between them and Trixie knows to brush it off. I'll definitely have to make it clearer and fiddle around with it some more to get that across as no one has really picked up on that detail until the rest.

Mwhahahaha, already fixed up all those little missed spaces and stuff. Still have to do the major edits involving tenses and the above, but the small minor stuff should be mostly fixed (I hope).

852889
Ah, I see. I think if you make those intentions more clear then the OOC-ness ceases to be a problem. Let me know when you finish looking it over, I want to read this at its top form. :twilightsmile:

852897
My friend recommended I state Trixie talked to Shining Armor and Cadence to make the relationship more obvious, but I never put it in. Now though, I think I definitely will and add a bit more hints here and there, especially when Shining is present. As for Celestia outright lying, that'll be a tad more difficult, but I'll see what I can come up with. I'm currently adding a bit more thought from Twilight as you suggested and I've got another friend editting it as well (and she's a grammar guru) so hopefully that'll remove most of the mistakes. I'll definitely drop you a comment or note once it's completely and utterly done though and thanks again for all the comments and help, I really appreciate it.

852897
Okay, made some edits. All of them apart from one took place after Trixie followed Twilight. Like I said before though, my friend is still editting it so it'll probably take three days or so before that's done and it's in its top form. Just letting you know now in case you were interested.

I REALLY like it, but I just can't quite get a round of applause out. As others have said, the ending is missing as far as Twilight is concerned.

Great story, but missing something.

854891
I'm glad you enjoyed it and truth be told, I expected this reaction from people. I personally enjoy more open ended stories that have clues as to what happens in the future and this is my attempt at writing one of those fics.

852016

Twilight visited and remembered the number of people who died and were all engraved in the statues base, no hint of Twilights being among them. (some line like her finding it ironic how shes officially dead since the incident would be able to hint it :rainbowwild: )


That and the suspect looking like Twilight should be enough to make Shining suspect something,since he was still her BBFFF in this universe he would find it suspicious.

854933
I just did a quick double check and the line I was thinking of was "And I don't blame them one bit. I deserve to be hunted down like an animal. It's better they believe I'm dead" in reference to Shining Armor and Cadence. When I'm more awake I'll see if I can make it more obvious by commenting on her name on the memorial or something as it isn't very obvious right now. Thanks for bringing that to me attention though and I'll definitely look into clearing that up.

OH COME ON! I hate cliff hangers...... :applecry: I know you'll never make more and even if you did it would be in the distant future but I want it NOW!:applecry:

852897
Okay, finally finished looking over it, that should be the final version (hopefully).

852897
Okay, finally finished looking over it, that should be the final version (hopefully).

874113
Ah, much better that time around. I still think you could have made your intentions more clear, but you gave much better hints this time, and maybe that's enough. Once again, brilliant job.

876291
Thanks! I didn't want it to be too blatant, but if not enough people get that link still, I'll add something in

I think I saw what you did between the lines, very sneaky and it took me a few comments (and seconds) to see what was in your mind.
Liked the concept of twilight and trixie, not often seen like that so congrats on that part. For grammar I have the same problem for my essays so i can't remark on anything.:twilightblush:

923874
Thanks! I hope it wasn't too frustrating to get what was going on though, I was trying to be subtle, but not overly so.

846415 soo, is it going to stay a oneshot?

972193
Pretty much. I've got other, more interesting multichapter fics planned that I want to write and I had always planned this to be a oneshot

okay, guess that leaves it to my maginatio

okay, guess that leaves it to my imagination

Why didn't they just blame it on a changeling?

1006056
I doubt a changling has enough power to destroy a Canterlot block...

1009005 the queen defeated Celestia

1011123
With the power of LOVE! =coughs= Okay, I'll be honest, I didn't think of the Changling angle and when I first conceived of the idea, Changling's hadn't been around yet.

1015609

Um...small question.

Since there wont be another chapter, I cant help but wonder, since celestia hasnt determined a punishment.

...does that mean twilight stays in the everfree forever? :twilightoops:
cur.glitter-graphics.net/pub/3144/3144014yei5mj8ukt.gif

1225452
Not really. I've made all sorts of subtle hints at what the future holds, but the main hint is this: Nightmare Moon's (eventual) return that year. So... yeah... definitely not forever

AW SHIT.



I only wish there was more.

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