• Member Since 8th Aug, 2016
  • offline last seen 4 hours ago

wiccanminnesota


E

A rat shows up in Rarity's home. Why is this little nine pound ball of brown fur there and will Rarity be able to get it out of her house? Well you'll have read to find out. Icecreammac coauthored this story.

http://www.fimfiction.net/user/icecreammac

Please give him a like and a view of his own work to help thank him.

Please leave constructive criticism down below in the comments of what you liked and didn't like about this one shot story. Thank you one and all for reading this.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 42 )

Not a bad story. I was actually thinking that Discord had disguised himself as a rat so that he could mess around with Rarity without being blamed. Only for Fluttershy to come in and recognize him and give him a talking to.

7845067 Thank You for the wonderful comment and for the inspiration for the next one shot that I will submit to my editor in a few days. I look forward to reading many more comments on this story. :twilightsmile:

:moustache: Wow Rarity nice tail style? Like how you redecorated the place!
:duck: Shut up Spike and grab a broom.
:facehoof:

:fluttercry: So.....

Taking a small chunk, she hesitantly dabbed it onto her cheek. Then, she lay down on the floor, closed her eyes, and waited.

I can just imagine someone walking into the room and seeing her like that and they're giving her a confused look thinking, 'What the hell did I just walk in on?'

This is like a Tom and Jerry episode. Aw man, they used to be the shit back then, that was my childhood. Excellent story and well paced. I like the end too and it really feels like a short episode of something. You placed the comedic parts just right and I like how she's trying to do all these things just to get rid of a rat that Discord and Rainbow put in there. What made it more exciting was that I was reading this while listening to Seven Nation Army 1 hour version on youtube. The beat dropped right when the anvil dropped and it just made that scene epic. I like this story, keep up the good work.

Rex Raptor approves:

i224.photobucket.com/albums/dd180/chibionerw/Anime/Rex%20Raptor/09RexRaptor.jpg

7845091 This was the best damn comment EVER! I liked it very much for this is what Icecreammac and I were going for trying to make this as funny as possible.

That was entertaining. Hardly funny in my opinion, but very entertaining.

7847150 What about it didn't you like. I mean you say it is entertaining yet you also so it was hardly funny so I would like to know what about this wasn't funny.

7848084 Dunno. My humor could just be weird. All the antics seemed like Tom and Jerry in a strange way but it just wasn't funny. I didn't laugh.

It was entertaining. Stories on fimfiction are read for entertainment in the long run. So while it wasn't funny, it was more like an entertaining weird little slice of life to me.

Good story. Folklore says rats & mice love cheese. Actually, you do better with peanut butter.

7851590 Thank you for the wonderful comment I am glad that you enjoyed the story. :twilightsmile:

Oh my gosh the lols! :D

7863135 Thank you for the comment I am happy to see that you liked it. I look forward to reading more comments from you. :twilightsmile:

7863384 You're welcome! :)

I see what you're going for here-- a slapsticky thing akin to old Tom & Jerry cartoons. And that's neat!

However, the story didn't quite 'click'-- it just feels a little stilted. A lot of this comes from the fact that cartoons are an inherently visual medium, and that's something hard to translate into text form. Still, I encourage you to keep practicing: write a bunch of stuff, and read a lot more, and you're bound to get better and better. Hope this helps!

7935326 Yes this does actually help me as a writer to have a wonderful comment like this helps me to become a better writer. I look forward to reading more comments from you in the future.

I finally got around to reading this story. I enjoyed it immensely. :twilightsmile:

7967994 Thank you I plan on writing other stories as time passes I hope to hear from you on those as well.

7968035

I've got a huge backlog on stories I want to read right now, and not a whole lot of time to read them unfortunately. I am glad, however, that I got around to reading this piece. It was definitely worth my time, and I'll consider reading your next works when it comes out. Thank you for the read. :twilightsmile:

7968045 It was my pleasure to both type it and submit it to Icecreammac please can you also thank him as well seeing as how he also gave a great deal of thought to the story as well.

A couple of unnecessary commas. There were a lot that could be revised but here's a couple examples.

As she thought, her eyes scanned the room for ideas, and they fell on some of Opal's toys. In particular, they fell on a fake mouse. Rarity raised an eyebrow in thought , and then she smirked deviously.

Heading back into the destroyed kitchen , she took out a block of cheese from her refrigerator, cut it up into several pieces , then made a trail back into the living room, placing the rest of the block in the center of the X.

My main pet-peeve about this is the overuse of commas.

Professionalism aside, this was good. You captured rarity well, aside from her making traps but I understand it's just for slapstick. I also don't know about RD being very sappy in front of Discord. Otherwise I liked it! Good job and keep it up (Summary: cut down on the commas) ~:derpyderp2:

7985483 I am not the one that edited this during the process of writing this I wound up not being able to think of anything that sounded funny seeing as I am more use to writing gore and less about funny stuff. So I thus turned the whole thing over to Icecreammac who not only edited it but also wrote most of it as I was only able to get through about two pages worth. I really like how you where able to help with this I will see if I can some how fix this and hope to make it better. I love it when people are willing to share their thoughts on my stories for it helps me to become a better writer.

7985538
No problem. Love to help out a fellow writer even though they weren't all your mistakes.

7985542 Cool. I can't wait to see what you think of my Anon-a-Miss story I know it can be a bit dark in places but that is more of what i am used to writing about. I look forward to reading your comments on that story as well.

7985547
It might take me a bit to get to reading it, as I'm busy on weekdays writing my story revising another persons, and school work. I should be able to get some reading on weekends but that's about it ~:derpyderp2:

7985721 Take as much time as you need I always love hearing from those that read my stories even if it does take them time to get to the comments. I look forward to reading what you have to say about the story.

8009716 Thank you so much for such a wonderful comment that really helped to brighten up my day. I look forward to reading your thoughts about my other story that is if your willing to read it as well. I hope you have a wonderful day now filled with much laughter and big happy smiles.

Gee, I'd think Rarity of all ponies would call a professional rather than chase the rat herself.

8092670 Yeah I know but I thought it would have been kinda funny to see her do this.

8092673 Oh it is, I'm just saying.

8092712 Cool I hope you have fully enjoyed the stories so far I look so much forward to reading more of your delightful comments when I get more chapters up of Anon-a-Miss.

This was a fun story. The beginning was a little awkward to read ( she did this and she did that kind of thing. It felt a bit wooden) but as things went on, it smoothed out and became another episode of Tom and Jerry. It was rather hilarious and you had Rarity in good character. I love the bit where she starts going on how terrible it was, but then stopped to tell the rat that he was being rude so she could continue on. That was so Rarity.

If I don't review this one this round, It may be the one for the next round. We'll see, but this is a strong candidate.

8115804 Thank you I really am looking forward to it and thank you for the very kind words I know it was a bit confusing at the beginning of the chapter that is largely due to this being my first time with a comedy. I felt I needed to start off slow then work my way into it I really don't like stories that just jump right into the funny stuff when you have no idea why it is supposed to be funny. Thus I wanted to start slow. I hope you have a wonderful night or day filled with much laughter and happy smiles.

8115983 What I mean is that the wording of the first part. There was a lot of "She looked up. She sat down. She thought about what she just said." kind of thing. If you PM me, I can say more. I don't want to clog your story comments.

8116007 I don't mind the story being clogged with comments. I actually look forward to it.

8116011 unfortunately, right now I'm not able to get to a computer as I am with family. But later tonight I'll give you a rundown of how you could improve, and some tips in writing in the future.

8116085 Cool I look forward to it I hope you have a wonderful night filled with much laughter and happy smiles.

Fairly short, simple, but pretty good. I feel Rarity's pain. Rats are just too dang smart sometimes.

I still remember the day I went into my room to eat some Mongolian Beef I had set in a place I though the rats couldn't reach, but when I pulled it out of its bag, it was empty, and two large holes had been gnawed into the bottom.

RIP Mongolian Beef
chowdivine.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/Mongolian-Beef.jpg

This is a fine, funny story. Really enjoyable. :twilightsmile:

There are times where some words don't belong and there are also a few word errors, but other than that, this has been very well paced and well done. The beginning seemed a bit out of place but good job. :heart:

I have reviewed this here.

Funny story, I liked it, and if you can, I'd like a story where Rarity has to deal with a cockroach.

8993466
I think that might have already been done by someone else. However, if it has not already been done by another author I will look into doing that as soon as I get my other story done. Thank you for liking the story I hope you will enjoy my other story as well.

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